In this video, we're going to talk about why your ex won't come back to you as long as
you're just waiting and hoping. Or I'm sorry, I mean, using the no contact rule. That's
what we're calling it now, right? Waiting and hoping is now the no contact rule, right?
Okay, cool. Yeah. Brilliant. Okay. But first my name is Clay with modernlove.life,
where we help you get the great loving relationship that you want without having to play mind
games, without having to play hard to get, and without having to pretend to be someone
or something that you are not. Because you of course deserve to be loved for the unique,
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Okay. So what we're talking about here is the no contact rule, obviously. However, the
way that I've seen it described to many people, and in fact, the way that it was explained
to me when I was going through my own breakups many years ago, is basically just waiting
and hoping. Things aren't going the way that you want them to, so you just got to stop
contacting your ex and wait and hope that they're going to miss you so much they crawl
back over broken shards of glass, which you have conveniently left strewn across your
doorstep, to come back to you and to admit that they miss you and that they want to get
back together with you and get married immediately or something like that.
It shouldn't take you too long to figure out that this isn't going to work. Yes, some people
have had success with it, but the way that a lot of people on other channels are talking
about this, they make it seem like it's this sort of miracle cure, that it works a hundred
percent of the time, and that even if your ex hates your guts and you stop talking to
them for a month, they're going to crack under the pressure and admit that they miss the
good old days or something like that. But it's not true. It doesn't work that way.
I've talked to, I mean, Lord knows how many people I've spoken to since 2009 when I started
doing all this stuff. It doesn't work that way. We're going to talk about why no contact,
I mean, the wait and hope strategy, also known as no contact, is not the most effective strategy
through all of this. And we're going to talk about what you can actually do moving forward.
So first full disclosure, there is a time and place for no contact. It's not something
that I think everyone needs to do. In fact, most people that I talk to don't need no contact.
But if you are in a situation that does require no contact, yes, I would recommend that you
do it. Like, for example, if you and your ex being in contact with one another is just
resulting in fights and arguments and misunderstandings and hurt feelings, and it's just driving the
two of you further apart, emotionally, yeah, obviously something isn't working, and getting
out of contact and reassessing what you're doing and fixing up whatever needs to be fixed
up is probably a good idea. But if you're in contact with one another and you're getting
closer to one another, and you've got your emotions under control and all that stuff,
hey, being in contact is probably not an issue. So let's go ahead and get into this. So the
first reason that waiting and hoping, no contact, is not going to be a very effective strategy
is because you're not demonstrating that your ex is coming back into a different sort of
relationship or a different sort of dynamic. When you are just waiting and hoping, chances
are, you're probably not doing a whole lot to better yourself or improve yourself or
shift something. Now, I get it. I've been through breakups.
I know that kind of place that you're in, where you're like, "Yeah. I dropped the ball.
I didn't put enough importance on her emotions." Or whatever it is. "I promise if we get back
together, it'll be totally different." Right? I've been there. I know that sort of mentality.
I've had it before, but you got to demonstrate it to her now. You got to demonstrate to him
or her right now, whatever it is ever. Why ever the two of you broke up, you got to demonstrate
now that they're not walking back into the same broken dynamic that caused them to leave
in the first place. So whatever that was, whatever it was that caused the two of you
to break up, you got to take an honest look at it and you got to somehow turn things around,
and to demonstrate it to them, not just talk them through it and say, "Hey, I promise things
are going to be different this time, baby." No, you've got to actually show them through
your actions. You've got to demonstrate this to them so that they can actually experience
it and see it. Yeah, they're probably going to be a little
bit skeptical about this at first, especially if this is a very sudden shift, but that's
just because they don't trust it yet. They're going to need to be exposed to this new way
of being, this new dynamic probably many times before they actually get that trust to kick
in and say, "Okay, yeah, this is just how it's going to be moving forward."
So yeah, you want to demonstrate that things are going to be different moving forward and
the passive, no contact, wait and hope kind of approach, mind games, all that that you
might've heard about elsewhere is not demonstrating this. It's just saying, "Hey, I'm not talking
to you for a month." Maybe that's going to have some sort of effect. Let's see what happens.
I think you know this. I think in some deep down place, you know this. But you're just
so lost and looking for something to help you out, and you hear someone who says it
with such conviction that no contact is going to be the one thing, trust the plan, it works
a hundred percent of the time, all that stuff. You're like, "Wow, they sound so confident.
I got to believe it, even though it doesn't make any sense to me, even though it feels
like the exact polar opposite of what I should be doing."
Again, there is a time and place, but you got to trust your instinct. And if it doesn't
make sense, what they're saying, and they can't walk you through it without making you
think you're playing some sort of mind game or seem like it's some sort of power struggle
or something, then it's probably not the right thing to do.
Okay, the next thing is that when you do this, you're not really erasing or doing anything
to soothe any of their apprehensions that they might have about being in contact with
you or about getting together with you. Now, follow me with this.
You and your ex broke up for some reason. And your ex had to create some sort of image
of you in their mind that was worthy of breaking up with them. Maybe they didn't have to work
that hard. Maybe you did something that you regret or whatever. Or maybe they did have
to work hard, and they had to kind of like twist the facts, distort the truth in order
to create some sort of version of you that they could look at themselves and say, "Okay,
yeah, I should break up with them. This is the best thing for me. It's the best thing
for them. This relationship isn't working. We got to end this."
And so they're holding onto this image that you're someone worth breaking up with because
nobody wants to sit around and be like, "Yeah, I'm going to break up with you. I'm going
to break up with you. I'm going to make you cry. I'm going to do..." People don't like
doing that unless they're terrible people. Most people actually feel bad when they actually
break up with you, when they have to sit someone down and say, "Hey, this isn't working." And
they break your heart and they see you crying and all that. That makes them feel guilty.
And so in order to live with themselves, they have to create some sort of version of you
that's worth breaking up with. And the wait and hope strategy... Sorry, no
contact strategy is to just wait and hope, that's why we're calling it that, that they
are going to somehow miss you, and it's going to somehow overcome all of these reasons that
they had for breaking up with you, overcome this image of you as this lousy jerk, cheater,
distrustful person, or whatever. And that they're going to, again, crawl over the broken
shards of glass to be with you. Can this happen? Yes, it can happen. But I'd
say it's a very slim minority. What they're going to need to do is actually see that that
impression of you that they had, that negative version of you that they're holding in their
head is actually inaccurate. And the only way to do that is to be exposed to you, again,
demonstrating the change that you would need to make in order to have a great dynamic between
the two of you. So, show up, be the person that you need to
be; considerate, compassionate, empathetic, forgiving, flexible, whatever it is, whatever
it is. You know why the two of you broke up. And just show up as that person and demonstrate
to them. And through repeated exposure, it's going to start to erase that version of you
that they had that was worth breaking up with. And they're going to start to pull back and
say, "Hey, was I making the wrong assessment? Am I just totally wrong? Did I think that
you were this way, but really you're that way?" And they're going to have this period
of disbelief. And by the way, this is where all of those
stages of getting back together start to really make sense. If you don't know what I'm talking
about, please feel free to check out this video series up here on your ex's five emotional
stages that they go through in the process of getting back together with you. This would
probably be like the writing the dragon or the crisis point stage. But go ahead and check
that out if you're new here. A lot of people have said it's a really helpful playlist to
go through. It's very insightful for them. And it might help you out as well too.
But yeah, they're going to need to see and experience that you're not that person that
they thought that they were breaking up with. The next reason why hoping and just kind of
praying and waiting, it doesn't work, is that it relies on this, what I would call fortune
cookie advice, strategy. It's just like yeah, absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you're
not available, then you're the prize. And they're going to say like, "Why did you stop
calling me? Are you dating someone else? Maybe, I'm totally missing out on this extremely
desirable person over here. Maybe I should get down on my hands and knees and crawl over
the broken shards of glass." And yada, yada, yada.
But the thing with fortune cookie advice is that a lot of people follow it for some reason.
I mean, I get it. It's kind of catchy. You've heard people say it a million times. Time
heals all wounds, all that sort of stuff. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be, all
that. But the thing is with fortune cookie advice
is it often conflicts with one another. So you have time heals all wounds, but you also
have absence makes the heart grow fonder. Which is it? We have like attracts like. We
also have opposites attract. Which is it? Right? It's incompatible. And so I don't want
you to be making major life decisions based off of fortune cookie advice.
People ask me this from time to time. They say, "What do you think about this quote?
What do you think about this poem?" Or, "What do you think about the lyrics of this song?"
And it's like, okay, I wouldn't be living my life based off of the lyrics of a song,
most likely. It depends on the song, I guess. But most likely I wouldn't be living my life
off of the lyrics of a song. And I don't think that you should be doing
that either. Whether it's some piece of commonly held wisdom, a song, a poem, or anything like
that, actually stop and think about this. Yeah, maybe those things resonate with your
heart and where you're at right now, and that's great. But think it through. What actually
makes sense? Where are you instinctively feeling all of this? Is this something that's like,
"Yeah. I don't know what else to do. So I'm just going to follow this thing that I've
heard people say forever. You know, time heals all wounds. If it's meant to be, it's meant
to be. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you love someone, let them go. If they
come back to you, they loved you all along. If they don't, then they never did." All these
sorts of things. You don't want to live your life based off
of that. You want to live your life based off of what is going to bring you into alignment
with what you want. Start thinking about what is it you want. If you want to have a relationship
with your ex, then you need to say like, "Okay, well, where are they at? Where am I at? Is
there some sort of in compatibility here? And if so, is it something that can be overcome?
Like, for example, if you are too focused on your career and you ended up losing that
relationship, can you say, "Okay, my priorities were out of whack. I thought my career was
most important to me, but it turns out actually my relationships are most important to me."
That's a wake-up call. And then I can move forward from there. And then I can demonstrate
to my ex that I actually do care about them, that I actually do care about their emotional
wellbeing and that I am actually willing to take some time off from work and focus on
enjoying myself and building those connections and building those memories and all of that
stuff. So this is obviously some stuff that we can
go in a lot of different directions and a lot of deep ways beyond the scope of this
video here. But if you did like this video, please help me out by the way, by hitting
that thumbs up button. Sends a message to the YouTube algorithm to help give us a little
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And also please feel free to subscribe to the channel as well, too.
And if you do want to learn a little bit more about how to actually connect with your ex
beyond just waiting and hoping, beyond just the no contact rule, then you might want to
check out our course called The Ex Solution Program. You can find information on that
down in the description box below. If it seems like it's a good fit for you, please feel
free to sign up. But if it's not right for you, that's totally okay. I'm not going to
twist your arm. But it's right down there below. Check it out if you want to.
But you also might want to check out this video series over here on the five stages
your ex goes through after a breakup. Or you might want to check out this video right here.
But once again, my name is Clay. Thank you so much for watching this video. Please take
care and I'll talk to you next time.