- Hey everybody, today we're gonna talk about
building our self-confidence
but not in the way we maybe have done in the past.
This isn't just about feeling strong enough
to stand up for ourselves,
this is about feeling comfortable being who we are
so that we can build honest and meaningful connections.
And today's video is created in partnership with Tinder
as part of their Put Yourself Out There challenge.
Meeting people online can be difficult
and if we aren't putting our authentic selves out there
the chances of making a real connection are pretty low.
And that's why Tinder wants to encourage people
to be real about who they are and what they love
when creating their profiles and chatting,
because this will create real connections.
But I know doing that can be scary and hard
not to mention that now more than ever
we are needing those true connections.
So let's get to work on building that self-confidence.
And my first tip is to find or focus on our strengths.
In DBT or dialectical behavior therapy
we call this building mastery
and we do this by figuring out
what it is that we're good at?
Are we good listeners?
Maybe we make great playlists
or maybe we aren't sure what we do well.
Perhaps we haven't taken much time to try out new things
or to notice the things that we love doing
that others in our life appreciate.
Has someone told you that they love the music you create
or maybe the way you handle difficult people at work.
Maybe you make the best mac and cheese.
If that's the case hit me up, but whatever it is
it's important that we take note
and cultivate that strength.
Putting more focus and effort into the things we are good at
will help us feel, you guessed it, more confident.
And I would encourage you to put some of these strengths
into your Tinder profile.
And I know some of you may have thought immediately
that you aren't good at anything
so this is just not gonna work
and I want you to stop that thought.
We are all good at things.
We just have to find out what.
So stick with it and keep trying.
We could be good at things like cleaning up,
I'm pretty good at that, organizing
or reading books out loud.
There are things we do each day that we are good at.
It's just that we overlook them
or assume that everyone is good at those things,
but they aren't, you are.
And once you've come up with a few things
that you're good at,
or maybe even things that you just enjoy doing
that you want to master.
We have to practice doing them.
Maybe set aside time each week
to work on that favorite recipe or practice that new skill.
And then in the most important part of this
is to give yourself credit for how well you did it.
Journal about it or share with someone
just how much you enjoy it
and how you've been improving.
Were there parts that were more difficult?
And how did you push through and continue anyways?
Building on our strengths and celebrating them
can help us feel accomplished and competent,
which only leads to more healthy confidence.
Next up, and if you've been watching me for a long time
you knew this one was coming is
to recognize and stop that negative self-talk.
Whether we realize it or not
we are having a constant conversation with ourselves
about our world and how we're doing in it.
We can get out of bed and immediately judge how tired we are
or how our body feels, or the fact that we slept in.
We can brush our teeth
and without muttering a word out loud,
shit talk our appearance and the state of our home.
We can say hundreds of nasty things to ourselves
before we've even had our first cup of coffee.
So try to slow down,
notice what you're telling yourself
and don't accept those thoughts as facts
because thoughts are just thoughts, nothing more.
And most of the time,
they don't even have any evidence to support them
yet we accept them as if they did.
In order to get us out of this negative thought cycle
we have to challenge them.
Check our facts and if there aren't any to support them
and no, other similar thoughts
about the same issue are not facts either.
But if there is anything to support them
we have to use bridge statements to move them in
to a more balanced place.
Too often people just tell us think positive
but that doesn't always work.
Sometimes the negative thoughts that we're having
we've been having for years.
So trying to just switch it over into a positive one
isn't gonna be believable right away.
We're gonna have to move slowly in that direction
building a bridge toward a more positive outlook.
So when we find ourselves thinking,
God, I'm just so ugly and stupid,
we need to realize that we are saying that.
So identifying it first
and then change it into something more balanced.
Like it's possible that I'm not as ugly or stupid as I think
I don't really have any recent facts
to support these thoughts.
We don't have to be sure of a more positive perception,
we just have to be open
to the possibility of a different one.
And doing this can help you feel more comfortable
putting yourself out there on your Tinder profile.
So try and pick your three to five
most common negative thoughts, check your facts about them
and then work on some bridge statements
to move into a more balanced place.
I know, I know I harp on this all the time
but our thoughts pretty much run our entire life.
They affect our mood, relationships,
ability to do things, you name it.
So making them more balanced and positive
can literally change our life.
My third tip is to put positive out into the world.
I know we're talking about ourselves
and you're probably thinking,
Katie why would me being kind or positive toward others
change how I feel about myself?
Well, the truth is that negativity spreads like a virus
and even letting it into our mind
when thinking about someone or something else
can affect how we feel about ourselves and our environment.
I know I've shared this before, but many years ago
I was just sick of feeling bad and negative all the time.
So I challenged myself to in my mind
compliment everyone I saw in a day.
And if I found myself automatically thinking something mean
or negative about them
I then had to come up with two compliments.
And while this was really difficult at first
and it felt like a terrible chore, it did get easier.
And after just a week of doing this I can honestly tell you
that my mood had noticeably improved.
Since the pandemic has shifted things quite a bit
and many of you may be at home all day like me,
we can even do this online.
If we see a photo or video of someone
think and consider commenting
something positive or supportive about it.
Pulling our mind from our automatic response of judgment
into a more loving place will be difficult at first.
It's a new muscle.
But it's really, life-changing not to mention
that by putting good thoughts and energy out into the world
we are more likely to attract other positive people.
It just goes back to the law of attraction,
but it's true that what we put out into the world
we get back.
And I think we would all agree that we want positive, loving
and meaningful things in our life,
so let's put that out there.
And finally, my fourth tip is to accept our limitations
and be courageous about it.
And what I mean by that is
working on being okay with saying, I don't know,
or wow I had no idea, why don't you tell me more about that?
Now I know this sounds silly
when it comes to building confidence,
but I've heard from many of you over the years
how you aren't sure how to engage in conversations
or that you maybe led someone to believe you love something
that you actually don't know anything about.
Being okay with not knowing
and allowing someone to teach us something they love
can not only ensure
that our relationships are built on honesty
but it can also deepen the connections that we make.
When we pretend to love doing an activity
or act like we know a lot about something
when we really don't,
it doesn't allow for them to get to know the real us.
Instead, they're getting to know this like pretend us
with fake interests that we think will make us look
more attractive to them.
In a way we're trained to read their minds
by assuming that they will like us better another way
when we really don't know that.
And what we really need is to find someone
who loves us for us.
Now, this just sparked an old memory, like really old
from a TV show I used to watch as a kid
called 'Hanging with Mr. Cooper.'
Where the main character's sister
really wanted to date one of her brother's friends.
And so she asked her brother all about him,
what he liked, what he didn't like so that she could pretend
to like all the same things as he did.
Well, long story short, it was a whole episode.
After an entire evening of her pretending
to be someone she wasn't, his new girlfriend showed up
and she was into all the same things
that Mr. Cooper's sister was originally into
like her true self
and he really liked that about this other girl.
And needless to say,
Mr Cooper's sister was extremely frustrated with this
but it's just another example of how
we need to be our true selves
and know that that will be enough
and that others will like us then for who we really are
not what we think they're gonna like.
You know what I mean?
And of course, it's okay to enjoy doing some things
with people we love just because we know that they love it.
That's called giving with joy and something we do
because we like making others in our life happy.
But this shouldn't be something that we do all the time
in all of our relationships, because by doing that
it can limit the space for us and the things that we love
and not allow people to get to know the real us.
And we wanna feel good in our relationships
and know that they are interested
and love us for just being ourselves.
Hopefully, those tips help you feel more confident
and be better able to put yourself out there.
Being our authentic selves especially when trying
to meet people on Tinder is important.
So have a seat, write out an authentic profile
that includes those strengths that we talked about
and the things that you truly love.
And know that by doing so you're opening yourself up
to more real and meaningful connections.
And you can even follow the #PYOTCHALLENGE
and check out Tinder on Instagram to learn more.
Have a wonderful week and I will see you next time.
Bye.
(upbeat music)