In this video, we're going to be talking about what to do When No Contact Doesn't Work, because
a lot of people were actually doing this whole no contact thing in, what I would say, is
the wrong way. Or let's just say, not the most effective way. And by the time you're
done watching this video, you're going to know a better way to do no contact than probably
what other people are advising you to do. But first, my name is Clay with ModernLove.Life,
where we help you get the great loving relationship that you're looking for without having to
play mind games, without having to play hard to get, without having to use do nothing strategies
like no contact, and wait and see what happens, and allowing you to be loved for the unique,
amazing and wonderful person that you are.
Now, I would like you to also help me out. If during this video you like what we're talking
about, at any point in time hit that thumbs up button. It sends a message to the YouTube
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people who might benefit from it. So, pay it forward a little bit. If you like these
videos, give me a thumbs up. Also subscribe to the channel while you're down there as
well too, so that you can get notifications when we post new videos. And as well, we are
going to be talking about the no contact rule and undoing a myth regarding the no contact
rule. If you'd like to get more advice and strategies, as well as see me go through a
couple of other myths that people get stuck on, that keep them from getting back together
with their ex, you might want to sign up for our free email newsletter.
There's a link to it down in the description box below this video. It's totally free to
sign up and you do get the myths pulled apart. A little report that I made there. And also
tips, advice and strategies to your inbox. Okay. So, I got a message from someone not
too long ago, who said, "Hey, I've been doing no contact. It doesn't work. I've been waiting
for 10 months for my ex to contact me. What do I do?" And this brings us to the whole
misconception that a lot of people have about no contact. Now, I know that there's other
channels out there that you're probably watching, other relationship video stuff that you're
watching out there, and they're telling you, hey. You've got to do no contact. You've got
to just wait for your ex to contact you. You've got to wait for them to miss you, and eventually
they're going to come crawling back over broken shards of glass to confess their undying love
for you, and how they were wrong this whole time.
But that doesn't always, or even usually, work out that way. And there's this big misconception
about the no contact rule. Okay. I know a lot of people think that there's just this
one no contact rule that everyone is in agreement about, and it's just not that way. There are
actually many different no contact rules. It's like as if you were to say, "Hey, I need
to lose some weight. I'm going to go on to the diet." There's no the diet, there's Keto,
there's Paleo, there's the cabbage soup diet, I guess that's a thing, it sounds awful to
me, but someone thinks it's a good idea apparently. And there's all kinds of other diets out there.
And the same is true when it comes to no contact. Now, if you ask me what probably a lot of
these other people are talking about when they talk about doing no contact, is what
I would call passive no contact.
It's cutting contact with your ex and being passive until something happens. Now, I can
understand why some people might advise you to do that. They don't want you to do further
damage to the connection and further damage to whatever emotional bond you do have with
your ex, by potentially being in damage control mode, by over contacting them, by reaching
out too much. Or they think that, okay, let's play some sort of mind game. Let's make them
wonder why we just disappeared. And so they're going to crawl over these broken shards of
glass to get back in contact with us because they miss us or something like that. I don't
know. But the advice on this channel is for adults, not middle school people who want
to play mind games.
So, if you want to play mind games, this is not the channel for you. If you are an adult
or an old soul, as people used to call me when I was a teenager, then this is what we're
going to do. We're going to give you mature advice for actually having a successful relationship
here. Okay. I can't believe I actually have to say that, but that is the state of the
YouTube world. Anyway. Okay. So, we're not doing passive no contact, we're not just waiting
indefinitely for an ex to crawl over broken shards of glass. No contact can be fundamentally
disempowering for a lot of people. Passive no contact can be fundamentally disempowering
for a lot of people because they are just waiting and waiting and waiting. And if you're
like the person who sent in this question, you're waiting for 10 months. Now, obviously
that's not what I want you to do.
I don't want you to put your life on pause and wait for 10 months for your ex to get
back in contact with you. That's got to be grueling. Even if they do get back in contact
with you in nine months and 29 days, that's like, wow. You're probably feeling really
lousy about yourself on that day. But anyway, what we want to do is we want to do active
no contact. Not passive, but active no contact. That's really what I talk about on this channel.
That's what's worked great for me and my clients, the clients that needed to do no contact,
not everyone needs to do no contact. That's another myth that we tear apart in our free
report. Again, that's down below. By the way, we're just scratching the surface on this
whole no contact thing. If you want to learn about my take on no contact, feel free to
check out this video series up in the video card up there.
That's going to go over my take on no contact in a little bit more detail. But anyway, what
we advise people to do, if they do need to do no contact, we advise them to do active
no contact. So, okay. You're doing no contact because you being in contact with your ex
is doing more harm than good. It makes sense to actually stop being in contact, right?
If you being in contact with your ex is actually bringing the two of you closer together, great.
Keep it up. Don't mess with what is working. Don't fix what ain't broken, as they say.
So, if the two of you are in contact and it's doing more harm than good, do no contact.
Do active no-contact. Take a pause, look at what was actually going on in the dynamic.
Were you in damage control mode, were you not able to connect with them in the right
way, were they just stuck on their own stuff? Or whatever.
And you learn how to connect with them in a better way. That's what our videos and our
trainings and all that stuff, our courses and all that. When I work with people in a
coaching capacity, that's typically what I will work with them on, is how to actually
interact with their ex in a better way so they can connect better. And go ahead and
do all of that stuff through the process of no contact, but your no contact should not
go on just indefinitely. Definitely not for 10 months. What you want is for no contact
to come to an end at some point. Now, I'm not going to say it has to be 30 days or some
specific amount of time. It should be when you are emotionally ready. That might be 30
days. It might be less, it might be more.
But when you're emotionally ready and you feel like you actually can have a good interaction
with your ex, you've gone through some stuff that has allowed you to set yourself up to
have a better connection with them. You got out of damage control mode, you learned some
advanced relational skills, you're able to connect with them on a better level, all of
that stuff. That's when it makes sense for you to actually get out of no contact. And
what you can do is you can obviously contact them, right? I'm not telling you to just wait
around indefinitely for 10 months, that is not good advice. That is terrible advice.
I do not want you to wait around for 10 months. I do not want you to put your life on pause
for 10 months, where you just wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait,
and nothing is happening.
If that is happening, you need to pick up the phone and contact your ex and see what
happens. Now, generally speaking, I would recommend you contact your ex initially after
a period of not talking to them for a good stretch of time, by asking basically a calibrated
question or a calibrated message, where basically you're just trying to get a sense about where
they are emotionally. Just get a sense, like, okay. Are they open to talking to me? Are
they on the fence? Maybe they're just giving little one word, short, snippy little replies,
or are they totally shut down? Or is it somewhere in between? Is there some other thing that's
going on? We want to just test the waters to see what's going on with them, and then
based off of how they respond, we can respond in an appropriate way. We're calibrating to
where they're at emotionally.
And then we're going to guide them from where they're at emotionally into a deeper emotional
connection. If there's resistance along the way we can handle that. We can deal with that.
But at least we know where they're at emotionally and we can start to unravel that ball. I don't
want you to just do this ultra super conservative thing where you just don't contact them indefinitely,
and wait for them to contact you. Yeah, they might do it, but they might not. 10 months
can become 11 months or 12 months, or that can become a year or two years, three years.
I don't want you to do this. I don't know why people are telling you to do that. It's
not good advice. I think that if you want to have a great relationship, you need to,
at a certain point, take control of the situation and move yourself towards actually being able
to have that relationship.
And that's probably going to involve you contacting your ex at some point. Would it be great and
wonderful if they contacted you? Yeah, it would be. But are they going to do it? Not
necessarily. Would it be great and wonderful if they wanted to give you a back massage
and seduce you, and agree to marry you right then and there on the spot. Yeah, that would
be great, but it's probably not going to happen either. So, be willing to take control of
your situation, and do what you need to do to bring yourself into alignment with what
you need to do to get the outcome that you want. And if you want to get back together
with your ex, you're probably going to have to pick up the phone and contact them, if
they are not contacting you. There's no reason why you should be waiting 10 months. There's
absolutely no reason.
You should either be contacting them, getting calibrated to where they're at, or you should
be saying, okay. This isn't for me anymore for whatever reason, and choose to take your
life in another direction. But you should not be waiting 10 months. So, I hope that
helps you out. I hope that makes it clear, the difference between passive no contact
and active no contact. And, yeah. If you like what we're doing, please give this video a
thumbs up. It helps to pay it forward so that someone else can find this video on YouTube
and hopefully improve their relationship. But, yeah. Thank you so much. Once again,
my name is Clay. If you like what we're doing, hit that thumbs up button. And if you want
to learn more about our take on the no contact rule, be sure to check out this video playlist
over here, or check out this video right here. And that newsletter? Right down below in the
description box. Anyway, take care, and I'll talk to you next time.