When your husband wants to leave you,
it's extremely painful because you still love him.
You were thinking you'd be together for a lifetime. You've been counting on it.
You've shared your life up to this point.
Maybe you have children together and you can't imagine why in the world doesn't
he want to be with me anymore. Have I done something wrong? Can I not compete?
Compare? I mean, what's going on here? In this short video,
I certainly can't tell you all the things that your husband may be thinking,
but I can tell you that there's hope even if he's adamant that he wants to leave
you. Hi, I'm Dr. Joe beam with MH international.
I've been working with marriages for more than a quarter of a century and the
vast majority of those marriages have been marriages in crisis
and major trouble.
We've had a pretty good success rate, but it's not 100%.
I can't tell you I'll give you the magic words or the magic formula and if you
just do what I say, everything's going to be hunky-dory from now on,
because I won't lie to you.
I can give you some suggestions that if you do these things,
you dramatically increase the likelihood of saving a marriage,
putting it back together, making it good again,
as we've been able to help thousands to do. Again,
I can't explain it all in very few minutes right here,
but let me give you three very important things to not do.
Three very important things that you should do if indeed,
you still love your husband and you want to try to put this marriage back
together. Here's the first thing not to do,
don't panic. Even if he looks at you and says,
"I don't want to be with you anymore. I'm not in love with you anymore.
I want to be with somebody else.
I want to be someplace else." I know they hurt tremendously to hear.
Try to think of it this way. "Well, that's the way he feels today,
not necessarily the way he's going to feel next month,
next quarter, next year." In other words,
the fact that he feels that now and is saying that to you now is what he
believes to be his reality, but he's not thinking beyond right now.
Now he may think he is. He may be thinking he's planning his whole future ahead,
and it's not going to involve you. But trust me if he's telling you this,
it's in all likelihood because of what he feels at the moment.
One thing about life is always true and that's this emotions
change.
So, please don't panic. He fell into love with you once.
He can fall in love with you again,
even if he thinks that's impossible and if you think that's impossible. Don't
panic, calm down. There's a way out of this,
not a guaranteed way, but a pretty sure way and we'll help you follow that path.
We call it the "love-path" and we'll show you how to help him develop a love for
you again, as you strengthen your love for him. Again,
I'm not guaranteeing 100% because people make their own decisions.
You do as does your husband. I'm telling you,
this system has been very powerful and work for so many thousands over the
years. Here's the second thing not to do.
Don't focus on saving the relationship.
I know that sounds contradictory, doesn't it? "What?
Don't focus on saving the relationship?
That's why I actually turned this video on.
I want to know how to do that." But you see desperate thoughts
often lead to desperate actions.
When you're focused on trying to save the marriage you'll wind up making some
unwise decisions.
You're going to do some things because the emotions are pushing you that are not
smart things to do.
You're going to leave off doing some things you should do because your emotions
are going in the other direction.
In other words if you focus on saving the marriage,
you're going to be on a tight rope that you can't walk.
I'll be extremely frustrating, if you try.
You'll be constantly falling off one side or the other and getting angry with
yourself thinking, "I can't do this." So,
please stop focusing on saving the marriage.
While you're focusing on saving the marriage if you do that,
which I'm telling you, you really shouldn't.
That's when you're more likely to hear and heed advice from people
who will give you very, very bad advice.
Be wary of people telling you what to do and how to do it,
and those kinds of things. If you're so focused on saving the marriage,
you'll tend to strike it every lure.
You'll tend to buy everything that you hear,
and this person will be telling you this,
and somebody will be trying to sell you that.
Then your family member will tell you this and
talk about a tight rope you can't walk. At the same time,
quite a bit of that council will be very, very bad.
Not because they're necessarily bad people,
but there are some bad people and they will give you bad advice but the rest of
them are not bad people.
It's just that they love you so much that they're hurt of this person who's hurt
you and their advice tends not to work very well.
They either base it on their own experiences or the experiences other people
have told them about and that's not broad enough.
You need advice that's much broader and wider than the experience of a person or
a person's friend.
The third thing is this don't focus on whatever's pulling your spouse away from
you.
One thing we are well-known for at MH International is we talk about a thing
called pushes and a thing called pulls.
We talk about the fact that if you're going to put a relationship back together,
you need to evaluate anything that you do,
or even things that you have done that you've stopped doing.
Evaluate these things that have pushed your spouse away from you.
We talk about pushes that you actually should do.
There are some pushes you must not stop.
There are other pushes that you need to stop as quick and as best you can.
We talk about the fact that we don't want you pushing your spouse away,
which is more likely if you panic,
more likely if you're listening to other people who don't really understand what
they're talking about and so reduce your pushes.
If there is some pull out there already pulling your spouse away,
it could be another person, a fantasy, a dream,
some goal that they're trying to reach,
and there could be any number of things pulling them away from you.
If you start thinking, "I've got to fight that my husband for example,
is in love with that other woman so she's the problem. If she just went away,
everything would be okay." Wrong. That is not the right answer.
Trust me.
I've been doing this for more than a quarter of a century.
That's not the right answer. You should not be trying to think about her,
if there's a her or whatever it might be that's pulling him away from
you. Whatever that might be. Is it an addiction? Is it like I said earlier,
some fantasy that he's chasing? Whatever it might be,
don't think about that because you don't
compete with that. You don't have to compete with that.
You can't even compete with that.
If you're going to think of a competition at all,
you're in competition with yourself to become the best you that you can possibly
be. So, did you hear those three don'ts?
Don't panic.
Don't focus on saving the relationship and don't
focus on the pull hat's leading your spouse away from you.
What should you be doing? Focus on your pulls.
If you're thinking, "what do you mean? ".
It's not enough just to reduce your pushes. By the way,
I want you to hear very clearly there are some pushes you should not stop.
They're actually essential pushes to do.
I just don't have time to explain that in this short video,
but as you decrease your pushes, you're going to be increasing your pulls.
Not trying to compete with this over here. Forget him, her, it,
whatever it might be.
You just focus on your own pulls because every pull also has pushes
involved in it. So,
whatever this thing is over here that might look so wonderful to your husband
right now won't always. It's going to have pushes.
She's going to have pushes. Whatever is going to have pushes down the line.
As you start increasing your pulls,
decreasing your pushes and increasing your pulls,
you make it much more likely that your spouse can come back to you.
I realize I'm just touching the hem with a garment on this,
but you understand this is a short video.
We actually have a course out there where I explain all this in great detail.
I'll tell you about it in a couple of minutes, if you're interested in it.
But as you increase your pulls, what you're going to be doing is this.
You're going to increase the thing we call PIES. Physical,
intellectual, emotional, spiritual. By becoming the
best you can be physically at your age and situation in life,
you don't need plastic surgery.
Intellectually learning about things that are of interest to your husband,
so that you can have conversations with him where you're going to actually enjoy
and communicate with each other, and not fighting about what's going on here,
but have something that's of interest to him. Emotional,
where you learn not only how to reduce the pushes of doing those things that
evoke emotions within him that he does not enjoy feeling.
Learning how to do things that evoke emotions within him that he enjoys feeling,
which becomes a great big strong pull back toward you. Even spiritual,
which has to do with your beliefs and values.
You can actually go to PIESUniversity.com. I believe I said that right. If not,
it'll be correct on your screen here. PIESUniversity.com.
You can find all kinds of information there about this if you wish to help you
with your PIES, because those become the pulls. So, you focus on your pulls,
not that pull but your pull and you try to be as understanding and
accepting as you can possibly be.
You might be saying,
"What do you mean?" Try to understand what your husband's feeling.
Try to understand what he thinks it is that he's going after then accept
what he feels even if you don't like it.
You don't have to accept this behavior, but if you can accept him.
Which means who he is, what he thinks, what he feels, that's a very,
very powerful pull. It's part of what we call the love-path. No,
I can't explain that in great detail to you here. I just don't have time,
but hopefully you're getting the point that you can do this.
You understand the PIES and try to be as understanding,
accepting as possible, because those are things that pull him back towards you.
The second thing is be patient. That's
really important. You say, "Why?"
It's unlikely to what's occurring happened overnight.
You didn't get into this situation overnight. Even if you think you did,
because you just found out about it.
Whatever it is in all likelihood it's been going on for awhile.
Therefore, don't try to fix it overnight.
Remember we said earlier, don't focus on trying to fix the problem.
That's not going to be a good thing. You focus on doing what you need to do,
but you've got to be patient because it takes awhile to do this.
Three of the main ingredients of love between a husband and wife have to do with
intimacy, passion, and commitment.
Passion can ebb and flow pretty rapidly.
It can come rapidly and it can go away rapidly. Intimacy develops slowly.
Intimacy having to do with openness, transparency, and vulnerability.
Being understood as you are. Understanding the person is he or she is.
That develops slowly. It ends slowly. If it redevelops,
it has to redevelop slowly.
Commitment builds up slowly and if you redevelop it,
you have to develop it slowly. As I said earlier,
there's no magic bullet. So,
be patient understanding it can be done. Finally,
educate yourself. You say,
"What do you mean?" There are all kinds of things about relationships that you
think you know. Some of which might be correct.
Some of which may be incorrect and a lot of what you haven't actually heard
before. It's not like rocket science.
It's the kind of thing that when we teach people about it,
as soon as they hear it they go, "That makes sense.
I guess a part of me kind of already knew that, but now I get it.
I have a vocabulary for it. I can comprehend it.
I can see how to use it in relationships." If you're going to be
educated,
don't try to be educated by everybody because there are so many contradictory
ideas, thoughts,
and principles out there that you'll drive yourself crazy if you try to check
all the different resources. Sometimes people for example,
will come to us and want to work with one of our coaches,
but also at the same time work with somebody else. We say, "Actually,
you should pick one or the other.
Either our coach or the other person." Don't be pulled apart.
If you go to educate yourself,
choose one resource at a time and work with that resource.
We would love to help educate you.
You can find a lot of videos on YouTube.
If you go to YouTube.com/MarriageHelper.
There are hundreds of videos there that are free.
When you're there and you may be there right now watching this,
be sure you subscribe because that helps us help other people.
Please help us that way,
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The more visibility we have, the more people we can help. So,
you can help us if you subscribe right now and we'd appreciate you doing that
very much. We have free things here on our website MarriageHelper.com.
We have a ton of free stuff there. We have an online group,
if you can get into it. It stays pretty full.
It's limited to 5,500 people and it stays pretty full,
but you can find our Marriage Helper.
It's actually a group called Save My Marriage and it's sponsored by
Marriage Helper.
You can find that and that's free help there as well.
We want to do all those things for you, but if you need more than that,
we want to help you with that. If you call the number on the screen right now,
you can talk to one of our client representatives. They're not counselors.
They're not therapists.
They're not going to take a half hour or hour to try to help you through your
problem, but they'll take 10 or 15 minutes and they'll listen and understand.
Then they'll direct you to the best resource we have for you. So,
give them a call. They don't pressure anybody.
You give them a call and they'll help you find the best resource that we have.
If we don't have a resource for you, they'll tell you that.
You can get that by calling here. You can also find our online course,
Save My Marriage.
It also has a special group in Facebook that you'd be invited to,
if you get into that course. It has 12 different videos, about a half hour each.
About six hours worth of information there, and a workbook to work through,
transcripts, and all kinds of things in that Save My Marriage course,
that you can ask your client representative about when you call.
Then we have another thing,
it's a workshop if you're ready and you willing to make this kind of commitment.
We have what we call a "solo spouse" workshop. In other words,
"my spouse won't come right now, but I want the advantage of your workshop,
which as I understand is the "creme de la creme" of all the things you do.
It is. We have a version of that for you as a solo spouse,
where you can learn amazing things,
which will equip you in much better ways to help your spouse come
back and put this marriage back together. That is three full days,
okay?
The online course Saved My Marriage is over six hours so understand
there's a lot more in that course than we can do there. Whatever the case is,
did you get those three don'ts and three do's? Don't panic.
Don't focus on saving the relationship.
Don't focus on the pull that's pulling your spouse away from you.
Do focus on your pulls, do focus on being patient,
do focus on educating yourself. There's hope.
We've seen it happen so many times. We'd love to help you.
[Inaudible].