hey there aj mahari here do people with borderline personality do they gaslight just the same as a
narcissist i don't think so why do i think and know from years of working with clients 31 years
that gaslighting isn't really what borderlines are doing well to gaslight it's a verb
right to attempt to make a person believe that they are going insane this is what we see more
with the obert grandiose narcissist with the malignant narcissist and beyond sometimes maybe
with a covert narcissist depending but not all narcissistic personally disordered people are
have the same severity of narcissistic personality disorder so their gaslighting is entirely
differently motivated and it is more targeted and they have more of a sense of what they're doing
maybe not exactly but many know that just like in the movie gaslight where gaslighting the term
and the understanding of comes from the husband in the movie was plotting to actually make his
wife believe she was losing her mind so gaslight the verb to attempt to make a person believe that
they are going insane this is not what people with bp are doing at all they have no interest
in you going insane they're just trying to find themselves and it doesn't excuse poor behavior but
people with borderline personality disorder are not gaslighting the way narcissists do so what are
they doing then so this is tricky though because you could get hoovered right so not just any case
of hoovering but the relationship itself and the on or off again or the recycling relationship but
do people bp really gaslight just like narcissists do it's the same thing and well the answer really
clinically and when you look at the motivation behind the behavior and what's really happening in
all the chaos and drama and everything how you're getting hurt the answer is no they really don't
gaslight the way that narcissists do but what does that really mean because well it
has a lot to do with borderline projection and borderline projective identification
one thing i will definitely grant like definitely i hear clients on this too is that it feels
like it's gaslighting because when a person with bpd especially if it's your bpdx
hoovering you but in the relationship or in any context a person with bpd
is trying to quote communicate unquote to you it's going to largely evolve projection and blaming you
and everything's your fault and they're externalizing out what's really happening with
them because they're really largely unaware but it doesn't make poor behavior okay or anything it's
not really accurate to say that the borderline gaslights like the narcissist or even with the
same motivation or for the same reason but you feel like you're being gaslit by a borderline
do you feel that way by the way because maybe share a thought a comment on this podcast video
what do you think could you acknowledge maybe that people with bpd are projecting a lot projective
identification you're getting really hurt they are changing the narrative with the projection
when they change the narrative it's in a hoover or in the relationship or here there and who knows
where in the chaos and drama roller coaster ride of what's really happening in any given moment
for many people out there different iterations of wherever you're at when they change the narrative
people think that's gaslighting people think that's the borderline gaslighting like the
narcissus gas lights but it isn't with the projection and the protective identification
involved in why and how the borderline changes the narrative externalizes everything out on you can't
take any personal responsibility due to loss of self etc if untreated and not really significantly
treated what that really does to people with codependency really triggers you really triggers
more to the point and maybe not in your conscious awareness triggers inside of you
left over unaddressed childhood core woundedness and then people codependency
have their own yes you have your own feelings yes you're getting really hurt you're losing yourself
in the relationship maybe you're getting hoovered by somebody vp but the bottom line is you're
feeling like you're not hurt and you're not seen those are accurate feelings it's really painful
so you might feel gaslit because you're like well you've been reading about it and people
don't delineate this carefully enough often enough bpd is not a form of npd bpd is not
exactly the same as npd everything the borderline does is not like everything that the person with
narcissistic personality disorder does so you're getting triggered because codependents have a fear
of being blamed of being you know thought poorly up of not being in that sort of pleasing
role that gives you validation and and it helps you out with some feelings as you externalize out
from your codependency it's a lot of things on to the president bpd externalize out in in hoping to
help and rescue and fix them to to get your needs met not in any conscious way more often than not
so when they change the narrative largely through projection and the internal emotional
dysregulation that they have been triggered to feel not by you but inside of themselves and then
the way that from an unconscious place splitting for the person with bpd happens because splitting
is a major defense mechanism in bpd so it's not happening because they almost felt your love
or you attained emotional intimacy are really connected with them no that's not why but when
they do get into this place of needing to defend and project and change the narrative and for
those reasons and what's really happening for them internally they are not gaslighting you but it's
triggering you because people with codependency with that inherent childhood core woundedness
still at play you're getting really hurt and you're not being seen and heard and
you're not being validated and you're not being understood and you might be fearing abandonment in
a different way than people with bpd do and none of this do i say to take away the responsibility
for what the borderline is actually doing and why because they're not taking personal responsibility
then i would also say to you as a co-dependent if you're not in therapy yet i'm working this through
then you're not taking personal responsibility for your own feelings for what's happening for you so
if you're going to just blame the borderline for that entirely you see where the overlap is between
codependency and bpd what's the difference there might be really uncomfortable to hear but i think
it's something a lot of people really do need to become more aware of so that you can make
healthier decisions like the number one action choice first decision you need to make is getting
into therapy and really starting to emotionally appreciate understand and be aware consciously of
that everything in your experience isn't the borderline's fault that you also in your own
way as a codependent are experiencing what you're experiencing due to being triggered back to your
childhood core woundedness which might not be in your conscious awareness but the key thing here is
you want to know more about this i'm out here to work with you by resonate with you
so that you can learn how to focus on yourself to break these patterns right so that you can feel
better because blaming the borderline a lot of people gonna do it you might be doing it might
might be it's part of people's processes and that's fine but if you're doing that without
getting into therapy if you're doing that without increasing your conscious awareness
then you're losing out on what you need the most which is to learn how to focus on you
get to that bull no contact place and stop worrying about what they're doing
and it feels like gaslighting but it doesn't mean that the borderline is actually gaslighting you
does that feel like gasoline to you can you see why it might not be but it but it feels like it
the bpdx hoovers you wow so much can happen there and it can often feel very gaslighting
when it's their projection of protective identification again so how you feel versus what
they're actually doing and again the motivation which you might not be that worried about you
might not care about that let me know in the comments below what do you think so it's not
it's not really true that they do gaslight like people bp gaslight like people with npd
but i think what is true to say about the way people feel and experience that is that whether
you're with somebody with bpd or a narcissist if you're not aware because bpd isn't a form of npd
by the way if you're not aware of the motivation and why should you be or why do you need to be
you don't and and you don't really see the other side of like what's going on with them and that's
confusing and painful for you then you can feel like you've been gaslight because they do change
narratives but they don't do the exact same thing as people narcissistic personality disorder do
in the way they gaslight and the motivation behind that with intentionality to absolutely
try to take your reality away from you people with bp are not that organized they can be very
condescending they can be hovering you or opening communication again because you've left it open to
just tell you again how awful you were to project all over you and then the other interesting facet
of this is this borderline gas lighting because people bp don't gaslight like narcissists
but people feel like they've been gaslit a lot so i think whatever you feel is real and true
and important and but so much of these in the relationships or in when they hover when you don't
go for no contact then they're going to be projecting a lot no matter what the reasons are
for their hoover which is going to be something about all about them and often they're telling
people in hoover's how you were the bad guy they've just discovered the greatest things
in sliced bread that's going to change their entire life so they think so they're sort of
a little bit like not being very realistic about and they're in extreme denial about
and they might share that with you and then they might tell you but like you know i know you have
this problem that part whatever you shared with them in the relationship right because people
with codependency no disrespect intended have their own issues and challenges from childhood
and that doesn't mean you deserve anybody else's poor treatment absolutely not but if you don't go
full no contact and if you feel like you can't and it's very confusing and you're just like
feeling like you're losing your mind and yourself or you've lost yourself then that's when you need
to get in therapy and if i resonate with you i'm out here to work with you and to help you through
that process to be able to make sense out of the senseless to get a little more clarity a lot more
clarity and to be able to make these choices for yourself that you really need for your own
well-being mental health and your healing recovery journey one of the reasons and motivations is
because they think now they might have solved all their problems which is ridiculous like if it's
two months three months nine months eleven months a year later no but they might say it like that
and then it feels like gaslighting because what's happening is they twist the whole narrative
right and they'll be so but but it's them being so projective
but at the same time as i'm talking about their projection understand i i i hear people clients
and people leave comments on the channel that say they feel gaslit because there's nothing there for
you and when they're telling you whatever they're telling you it's all for them not in some selfish
way but like they just seriously don't have any other emotional skills which doesn't make it okay
so you can get hoovered or texts or emails that are going to say well i figured something out now
which is often really not the case and then the project like they did when they blamed you with
the first split evaluation when they blame you when they ghosted you or like you broke up with
them and how much chaos did that involve of all the things they threatened they might do
or you know to keep you from leaving or because that happens to people as well as people at
pp that just cheat monkey branch ghosts maybe discard maybe ghosts no explanation people left
just wondering what happened here so when all this fusing together that happens out there with a lot
of poor information sources and really inaccurate information sources they try to tell you bpd is
a form of npd they try to shove everything that a person with bpd does into what a narcissist does
it's just not correct and so i hope that you could hear this and that it was helpful because you may
well feel gasoline by a borderline they're not all the same some are much more severely impacted
and maybe then they're getting closer to bpdnp eco morbid it's hard to say right but it's
possible but people with bpd do not gaslight really they just don't and they don't gaslight
even if they did a bit but they really don't like people with narcissistic personality disorder do
so if this is the information that you've been hearing elsewhere that oh borderlines
gaslight like narcissists do and you feel gaslit i hope that what i've said
in this podcast video might give you pause to kind of rethink that and to also realize that you need
now to take responsibility for your codependency and what you need to learn more about you by
taking that one action step which is get into therapy it's not gonna help you to keep focusing
on the borderline blaming the borderline or enjoying watching or listening to videos or
whatever that just keep on conflating everything all together it's not going to give you clarity
it's going to keep you focused outside of yourself and to change these patterns of codependent
relating and break the unhealthy bond and really be able to do some positive deep healing work in
therapy you need to learn how to focus on you and stop giving so much power to the borderline you