Donald Trump.
President of the United States and Joker understudy.
(laughter)
It feels like we say this a lot,
but the president is not having a good time.
A new poll is out showing
51% of Americans now support impeaching
and removing him from office.
And by the way, by the way, this was...
-(cheers and applause) -By the way...
this was a Fox News poll.
-Yeah. Which must have hurt. -(cheering, groaning)
It must have hurt Trump.
That's like if Gayle said she was 51% against Oprah.
(laughter)
But while the Ukraine scandal continues
to engulf President Trump,
Vice President Mike Pence is doing everything he can
to stay clean.
I... What...
I never discussed, uh, the issue of... of, uh...
the issue of the Bidens with President Zelensky, and, uh...
I... What I can tell you is
that all of our discussions internally,
between the president and our team
in our context in my office with Ukraine,
were entirely focused on the broader issues
of the lack of European support and corruption.
I was...
Well...
Well, that's your question. Let me be very clear.
Goddamn!
(laughter)
Oh, Mike Pence avoided that question
like it was a woman with her ankles showing.
That was extreme.
(laughter)
And I like how he says, "Well, that's-that's your question."
Yeah. And now you answer.
That's how questions work.
Mike Pence is out here
trying to pull conversion therapy on a question.
He's like, "With the power of Jesus,
we will cast out the demon in that question."
Now, while the impeachment train is picking up steam,
that's really not the big news today.
The big news is Turkey, because earlier this week,
President Trump ordered American troops
to step aside in Syria, allowing Turkey
to attack America's Kurdish allies in the region.
And guess what? That's exactly what happened.
Turkey tonight wasting no time launching a military attack
on U.S. Kurdish allies inside Syria
just two days after receiving a virtual green light
from President Trump.
MAN: Dubbed "Operation Peace Spring"
by the Turkish government.
Turkish forces driving deeper into Northern Syria,
attacking U.S. allies, the Kurds,
with advancing troops on the ground,
while pounding Kurdish positions from the air.
Another danger-- as Kurdish fighters now rush
to the front lines to defend themselves against Turkey,
they can no longer properly guard detention camps,
packed with tens of thousands of ISIS members.
-What a shit show. -(audience murmuring)
Thanks to Trump's impulsive decision,
people are now fleeing Syria.
The Turkish are now bombing the Kurds.
And over 10,000 ISIS fighters could be back on the loose.
-WOMAN: Damn. -Yeah.
Which is bad news for everyone.
I mean, great news for truck dealers,
because ISIS guys love trucks, you know.
And that's the only people who's winning.
Yeah. As soon as they escape, they'll be like,
"We're free just in time for Toyotathon. Yeah!"
So in the midst of this unfolding disaster,
Donald Trump is responding the only way he knows how:
by being petty as hell.
Here is how President Trump defended his decision
to abandon the Kurds.
The Kurds are fighting for their land,
just so you understand.
They're fighting for their land.
And as somebody wrote in a very, very powerful article today,
they didn't help us in the Second World War,
they didn't help us with Normandy, as an example.
-(jeering, groaning) -Wait, what?
Trump's saying America shouldn't help its Kurdish allies
because they didn't help America in World War II?
I mean, to be fair, not helping in a war
is one area President Bone Spurs has experience with,
-but still... -(laughter, shouting)
this logic doesn't hold up.
(applause, whooping)
Right? Because...
the Kurds are helping America fight ISIS right now.
Imagine if your boss used that logic.
Just walked in like, "Bill, uh, you've been a great employee
"for the last five years, but, uh,
you shit your pants 30 years ago-- we got to let you go."
That's like, "But I was... I was a baby back then."
"HR still thinks it's gross. I'm sorry, man."
Oh, and just-just by the way, just by the way,
the Kurds actually did fight with the Allies in World War II.
Yeah. So next time Trump wants to bring up history,
he should first check with his friend Frederick Douglass.
-(laughter) -It's not a real thing.
So Trump clearly has no regrets
about America abandoning an ally
that has lost 11,000 of their troops helping fight this war.
He also doesn't give a damn about what could happen
if those ISIS fighters escape.
NEWSMAN: The president pressed, too, on those ISIS prisoners.
Well, they're gonna be escaping to Europe.
That's where they want to go.
(jeering, gasping)
-Wow. -WOMAN: Wow.
So what, Trump doesn't care about ISIS fighters,
because he thinks they're only gonna go to Europe?
That's... really heartless.
And also, Trump, you realize you need Europe.
Right? Because without Europe, there's no Romania.
Without Romania, there's no vampires.
Without vampires, you... you don't have a lawyer.
(laughter)
-(applause, whooping) -And then...
who would the FBI indict? I mean...
Secondly, it's really shortsighted,
because if you let thousands of ISIS fighters regroup,
they could come back bigger than ever.
I mean, it's exactly what happened
with the Backstreet Boys-- we took our eyes off them,
they regrouped, and now they're touring all over the world.
I'm just saying, it might seem, right now,
like a few ISIS prisoners, but in a few years, we'll be like,
♪ Oh, my God, they're back again. ♪
(laughter)
So, look, Trump's decision to move American troops
and allow this Turkish invasion
could have truly disastrous consequences.
And many people have been racking their brains,
trying to figure out why Trump did this out of nowhere.
But instead of guessing, maybe we should just be listening
to Trump himself.
President Trump's decision to pull troops from Northern Syria
is once again raising questions about his business dealings.
As The Washington Post points out:
Here he is back in 2015.
(like Trump): Two towers, not one.
It's one and another one.
I call it "two."
In Istan-bul.
(laughter)
Yeah. I mean, this whole thing would make sense,
because, for Trump, it's always about real estate.
People think he's playing three-dimensional chess.
Maybe he's just playing Monopoly, you know?
But whatever the reason is,
Trump is now dealing with a major world crisis
in addition to his impeachment inquiry.
So that's two scandals.
Not one but two.