Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘It’s kind of a mess man’
Night of the Kickfighters is pure 80s action. In the worst ways.
Not even Cher is having a good time.
‘These parties bore me’
This is Kadesha who seems friendly to CIA agent Brett Cady.
‘Delicious Americans, your kisses tell how well you will make love’
but then…
and she’s got back up.
'Any more toys for me to play with.'
'You rang?'
Remember, in the 80s tall men were impossibly strong
'Kill him.'
and had no genitals.
Well those shots synched up perfectly.
'Goodbye Mr Graddy.'
Meanwhile, science is being done.
‘Gentlemen this is the laser HL2000’
Developed here at Wayne Enterprises.
What does it do?
But that’s not all.
‘The world’s first intelligent holographic laser weapon’
Intelligent how?
‘Pull the trigger Mariko’
Fortunately I had applied my bat laser repellent.
How does it work?
‘We’re able to store the eye-print of every soldier we send into battle’
So it’ll only shoot those with their back to it.
‘And it’s able to identify its target – whether it’s friend or foe. In whatever direction the body is facing’
How?
‘It’s God Damn Star Wars time.’
'Welcome to the future son.'
Having established the extraordinary capabilities of this laser, it never appears again,
I think they hired it for the day.
But now, as Adam West’s wife and kids are driven home.
‘James, there’s no need to drive like a mad man’
And it’s time for a classic Dark Corners break-out character, James the chauffeur.
‘Mrs McMann, we’re being followed, I think you ladies had better hold on. This may be trouble’
This is my moment.
‘Hold on ladies while I get rid of these guys’
#tire screech#
There, that oughta shake ‘em
'look, look, he's out of control!'
I think I’ll stop, get out, and tackle the rest face to face.
So perishes James, but we will remember him.
No prizes for guessing who has kidnapped eldest daughter, Kathy.
‘The American’s are such pushovers, at least the Israelis fight back and make it exciting’
I maybe a bad guy but at least I’m an American.
Only Brett Cady can handle this,
you’re watching an 80s action movie.
Star Andy Baumann, in his only acting role, clearly has some martial arts chops,
what he lacks is the ability to express any form of emotion.
‘ Listen Brandon, I use my own crew or you get someone else for this job, understood?’
Sorry I flew off the handle like that.
Cady puts together his crew; computer programmer love interest, Clea.
‘I was just checking out a client’s hardware’
Now it’s just a floppy,
Token black guy who, because this is an 80s movie, hangs out in the most pathetic strip club in the world.
'And wind the Raiders of the Lost Ark award for regretful hubris.'
'I can handle this, I got it under control.'
The gadgets expert with his heat-seeking crossbow bolts.
‘I programmed these babies for 98.6 and they got a range of a fucking quarter of a mile’
just hope it doesn’t pass another warm body over that distance.
and the shuriken shoe.
'Noe this guy is for you.'
'Deadly.'
Finally, someone to balance out the hero’s under acting.
‘This is a closed rehearsal’
that would explain so much about this movie.
This is Aldo the magician.
‘Got to make them think we’re in once place when we’re really someplace else’
Why I haven’t seen magic like this since The Prestige.
And he’s not done yet.
‘A self-inflating decoy’
my portable gimp.
'This shoudl do it.'
They make a plan.
‘A, B, C and D’
I’m lost.
Then limber up,
aren’t there meant to be more stars?
What union does this hastily converted squash court belong to?
'You ready?'
'I'm always ready.'
'Fuckin A.'
Anyway they parachute in and prepare for their assault.
I just need to vape before we deal with the guards.
'Lets go, anti up.'
Weird, well I guess we’ll just keep drinking.
And there’s a chance for Aldo to use his decoy,
okay we burst the humanoid one and there wasn’t budget to replace it but this works just as well.
'Found 2 more of the gizmos in sector D.'
While the guards all forget what their guns are for...
and Kadesha acts exactly as you’d expect a female bad guy from the middle east to act.
To this point, I was quite amused by this film
but when the dullard, the magician and the various token good guys began winning it started to irritate me.
Cady faces off with Kadesha,
Who is no match for his martial arts hair pulling
and Lurch goes down to a shuriken shoe.
Kathy is rescued by Cady who comforts the traumatised girl.
‘You alright’
Nobody’s stealing these empty pallets while I’m around.
but of course they are recaptured.
And Lurch has bounced back from his gabing stomach wound.
‘Oh, is this emotion I see?’
I really doubt it. And of course.
‘I should kill you right now’
Yes you damn well should.
‘But you deserve so much more. So I’ve decided to kill you all slowly'
Shocking.
'We call the microwave oven.'
Although Clea dying was a surprise.
‘She’s dead’
Oh, is this emotion I see?
No, just trapped wind.
And while that’s not the biggest problem with a movie that redefines ridiculous.
It’s a problem when the hero is even less invested in events than I was.
They win.
As for Cady...
when you can’t trust your lead to land the emotional ending.
'Honey they were just bowled over, they were like kids at a magic show.'
Thanks for watching. For more 80s action reviews click here.
Aldo the magician is pulling off some impressive stuff, who are your favourite screen magicians and why?
Let us know in the comments below.
'Comeon lets get out of here.'