The Democratic primary race,
or as I like to call it-- "Too Old, Too Furious."
(laughter)
It's down to Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden,
and tomorrow could be the day
we find out who's going all the way.
Former Vice President Joe Biden and Senator Bernie Sanders
are both in Michigan today
ahead of tomorrow's Democratic presidential contest.
Six states will hold votes for 352 delegates.
Of those, Michigan is the big prize.
It has the most delegates-- 125 of them.
MAN 2: Sanders has held half a dozen events
in Michigan since Friday.
He's hoping this is where he can block Biden's momentum.
On Sunday, Biden would get another endorsement
from a former opponent.
This time, Senator Kamala Harris.
I have decided that I am, with great enthusiasm,
going to endorse Joe Biden for president of the United States.
I believe in Joe.
I really believe in him, and I have known him for a long time.
"Now, please send $10,000 in unmarked bills
so that my family can see me again."
(laughter)
"I'm very happy to be here."
(laughter)
I don't understand
why Kamala Harris shot this hostage-style video
to show her support for Joe Biden.
It looks weird. It really does.
I bet even the Taliban is looking at this video like,
"We had better lighting, and we were in a cave.
Much better, much better!"
Also, it's a little strange for me. I'm not gonna lie.
American politics is a little strange.
Like, how is Kamala going to endorse Joe Biden
and not acknowledge that she once called him
a friend of racists who opposed integrated public schools?
Like, for me, you have to at least say,
"Look, I know we've had our differences, but..."
Or something like that.
Otherwise, you make it seem like we're crazy.
It's like you're gaslighting us.
She's like, "I've known him for a long time, and he's great."
"And during the debates?" "Oh, that was different."
This is like, when you were a kid.
Do you ever sleep over at a friend's house,
and then you could hear their parents
screaming at each other in the next room,
and then, they'd come out like,
-"Hey, you guys want pizza for dinner"? -(laughter)
And you're like, "Ah, are we not gonna acknowledge
-that Dateline NBC shit that just went down?" -(laughter)
-"All right, 'cause I'll have pepperoni." -(laughter)
All right, but let's move on to some international news,
because while America only has to worry
about one presidential inauguration next year,
over in Afghanistan, they're dealing with two.
In Afghanistan, two different politicians
who both claimed to have won the presidential election
are staging their inauguration ceremonies.
Ashraf Ghani, the first to be sworn in as president,
has been Afghan president since 2014,
and the country's election commission say
he won a second term in September last year.
We are hearing Mr. Ghani has made his inaugural speech.
When that happened, several explosions happened nearby.
And we've just had the footage through. Have a listen.
(speaking native language)
(explosions)
(continues speaking)
(explosions, people shouting)
(laughter)
Okay, I-I don't know what's crazier--
that two people say they're the president,
or that, while this guy is giving his speech,
explosions are shaking the building,
-and he just keeps on going? -(laughter)
It's like, "As I was saying...
I'm very happy to be your president."
(laughter)
So, now, Afghanistan is in a sticky situation,
because two people are claiming to be the president.
Yeah, no one knows what to do. If you ask me,
we should just get Maury over there to solve this whole thing.
Yeah, just be, like, "You are... not the leader!"
"Oh!"
Although, at the same time,
why-why do... why do we fix this?
It's not the worst idea to have two presidents.
We've never thought of it. Maybe we should just...
You know, we should have... Like, presidents should have
day and night shift. Maybe that could be a new thing. Yeah.
It could be easier for the presidents
because then they could avoid the blame for bad news.
People would be like, "Mr. President,
the people are starving!" It's just like,
"Oh, look, I just clocked in. I, uh...
Yeah, that sounds like a night-shift problem. Sorry."
All right, and finally, as you know,
yesterday was the beginning of daylight savings time.
It's the day when all the clocks
-leave the microwave clock behind. -(laughter)
And daylight savings has already had its critics,
but now, it looks like people in power have also had enough.
Florida Senator Marco Rubio is calling for people
to reach out to their representatives and senators
and ask them to lock the clock and support his bill
to make daylight saving time permanent.
It's time to go permanent daylight savings
and end this once and for all.
We have a bill to do that.
Let's see if we can get it done this year. This is stupid.
Remember, call your member of Congress, uh, your senator
and tell him to stop this changing of the time
and lock the clock.
Okay. Why do all American senators shoot selfies
-like hostage videos? -(laughter)
What is is this? What's going on?
Dark halls, bare walls, weird lighting.
I'm starting to think the coronavirus might be worse
than they're telling us,
and every senator is already in a fallout shelter.
You know, like, Rubio is just faking us out with this video.
"Yeah, daylight savings, am I right, guys?
"Let my family in, then seal the doors!
"I mean, are we really gonna turn back the clocks?
"Just shoot them! Shoot them!
"We don't have enough grain!
Anyway, guys..."
And another thing.
Why is Senator Marco Rubio telling us to call senators?
Like, bitch, you work there. Tell them yourself!
(laughter, applause and cheering)
We got corona out in the street, we got shit to deal with!
"Can you call my job?" No!
That's actually crazy that senators even have the power
to change what time it is.
'Cause they can just vote and then time goes back an hour?
It's a good thing I'm not a senator,
'cause I would be proposing these bills every day.
I always want to change time.
Five times a day, I'd be on Instagram like,
"Hey, guys, uh, the Apple genius boss says
"they can't see me until 3:00 p.m.
"Please call your senators.
I need to get my phone fixed."
They'll be like, "Trevor, you're up next!"
"Thanks, guys. You guys are great."