Separation does not have to be
the end of your marriage. Now,
separation is definitely an
obstacle to overcome. And one of
the principles that we teach at
marriage helper is that you
should not separate if you don't
absolutely have to. And really
what we talk about when we talk
about having to separate is, if
someone is in physical or
emotional danger, then of
course, we recommend getting to
safety. Other than that, here's
what we know. Once a couple
separates, it can make it very
hard to come back together, but
not impossible. But the reason
that it makes it hard to come
back together is because you
found peace, one or both of you
has finally gotten a sense of
peace, whether it's real or not,
most of the time, it's not true
peace. It's just a break from
the current situation. But the
truth of the matter is, peace is
when the conflict has been
handled, when things have been
solved. When nations are at war,
they don't go into peace until
there's been a treaty until
there's been a ceasefire. That's
when true peace happens in our
marriage, just getting away from
the other person isn't true
peace, it's just a false sense
of peace, because things are
quiet for a period of time, all
of that to say, it can then make
it harder to come back together,
because you feel this false
sense of peace. Now, if you're
watching this video, then you're
likely separated because the
title of it is separation
doesn't have to be the end of
your marriage, we recommend not
separating, but if you have, we
believe that there is still
hope. But here's what you need
to know. For this video,
specifically, I realize that
especially in our marriage
helper audience, our audience
can tend to view separation a
couple of different ways, two
main ways. One is physical
separation. So we are separated
by house, we're, you know, we're
in two separate houses two
separate cities to separate
states, sometimes even to
separate countries, but we are
physically separated. And then
for other people watching a
smaller subset of people, it's
they're going to be saying,
well, we're separated
emotionally, maybe we're
sleeping in the same bed, but
we're separated or we're
sleeping in separate bedrooms,
but we're under the same roof.
For the purposes of this video,
that type of separation is going
to be much easier to handle
because again, you're under the
same roof, you have a lot more
opportunities to interact and
connect throughout the day
together. So all the topics that
I talk about throughout this
podcast or video, however you're
listening to this, this
conversation will still apply.
I'm going to really mostly be
talking about if you are
physically separated from each
other, because that's the more
common of the situations that we
see. So when you're separated,
the big question is, what do you
do next? Typically, separation
happens, as I said before,
because one or both people
decide that they want some kind
of break, or because a third
party has made a decision that
the two of you should trial, a
separation or some kind of
break. Now, here's what I want
to say about trial separation
before we move on. If someone
else if a third party has
recommended this, but you don't
have peace about it, I'm going
to give you a pro tip. You don't
have to do it. You don't have to
do a trial separation just
because the counselor
recommended it. You don't have
to do a separation just because
the pastor said you should. You
don't have to do it if you don't
feel peace with it. So we'll
just set that aside. But if you
haven't been separated, or are
currently separated, how do you
get back together? What are the
next steps? Well, the first
thing that needs to happen is
you need to make sure that
you've calmed down, you need to
make sure that you are in a
space personally because you
can't control what your spouse
is doing or what your spouse is
thinking. And that's likely the
only thing that you're thinking
about right now. What are they
doing? Do they want to come back
together? What are who are they
with? What are they spending
money on? What are they doing
with all their free time, you
can't control them. You can only
control you. And so you need to
calm down and begin to focus on
you during this time that you're
separated. If your goal is to
save the marriage, then
hopefully your goal long term is
to somehow come back together.
So from this point forward, we
just need to look at how to get
you towards your goal. And at
marriage helper we have a seven
step process for how to save and
rescue your marriage. And the
first step starts with calming
down, stop thinking and worrying
and obsessing about everything
that your spouse is doing or not
doing. And start focusing on
calming down, taking some deep
breaths going deeper. The second
step you need to do even while
separated is get clarity. And
this is key. Because again, like
we said before, you're likely
ruminating on the things you've
done the things you didn't do
all the things your spouse has
done all the things your spouse
didn't do. And these ruminations
are keeping you stuck on really
getting clear on And what the
true core issue is, my husband
and I, several years ago,
probably about nine or 10 years
ago, now we're separated for a
short period of time, we've
actually been separated twice in
our marriage. One of them, we
were separated for a year. And
that was a geographical
separation. We chose to be
separated. But it wasn't because
our marriage was in crisis. At
least, that's not what we told
each other. When we made the
decision to separate, we
separated under the guise I say
in quotations of me coming back
to school, and him staying in
Korea, which is where we had
been stationed to finish out his
time, his time in Korea, he was
in the military there at the
time. But later, many years
later, as we reflected back on
it, both of us said, Really, we
just wanted a break from each
other, which was not smart, and
not the ideal thing to do. We
then ended up separating for a
much shorter period of time, a
couple of years later in our
marriage due to marriage
problems. And don't recommend
it, definitely not. But for us,
for me, when I was in that
space, of just thinking of all
of the things that my husband
needed to change, worried I was
gonna lose my marriage,
embarrassed, ashamed, like, This
cannot be happening to me,
didn't want anyone to know, only
my mom and dad knew I was trying
to keep everything away from
everyone else. I just felt like
I had this image, I had to
uphold all of these things. And
it was a dreadful place to be.
And with all of that added
stress on my life, I didn't have
any clarity at what the true
situation was. All I knew was,
my husband and I were fighting
all of the time, it was a very
toxic situation in our home
life. We couldn't communicate it
just constantly talking about
divorce and, and all of these
things until it kind of finally
all blew up in a huge argument
that we had one weekend, which
is what led me to leave all of
this to say, I did not have
clarity, because all I could see
was what my husband needed to
change. And in fact, I just
couldn't understand why any of
it was happening. It wasn't
until I calmed down, that I was
able to truly look at the
situation, actually not even
just look at it. It wasn't until
I calmed down, that it also
calmed my marriage down. Because
I wasn't anxious towards my
husband every single night, you
know, back before, before I
left, he would come home and I
would just plead whine cry, like
why won't you spend time with
me? Why won't you open up with
me. And it just pushed him
further away it it got him kind
of more into his box that he
just sealed himself up into, and
just continued to create this
chasm between us, which was so
frustrating to have to
experience. And so when I calmed
down, and therefore it allowed
that, that break between us to
calm down that chasm between us
to calm down. Like, I just kind
of picture in my mind as I'm
talking about this, like
electric wires between between
he and I, if I'm all frazzled,
it's just going straight to him
and he's getting frazzled, too.
When I calm down, he was then
able to receive a break as well.
And that's what actually ended
up leading him to open up to me
on unprompted. I mean, he
started calling me, sent me a
couple of oil, he's first sent
me a couple of text messages,
then he called me and in that
call, he actually ended up
opening up his heart to me, and
he gave me the insight into what
the true issue was, which
actually didn't have as much to
do with me, not that I was
perfect. I definitely had lots
of things I needed to work on.
But there was a lot of
unprocessed trauma in my
husband's life that he hadn't
shared with me, especially from
that year that we had been
separated. And it was taking a
hit on him personally. really
affecting his his, his self
esteem, his pride, his ego, a
lot of things had happened. And
I didn't know. And I was able to
get clarity, which then allowed
me to see how effectively I
could stop doing the things that
were pushing my husband away,
and actually start doing the
things to pull him closer. And
so in that I was able to realize
like he needs my support, he
actually needs me to, to not
harass him about how his day
was, and just just in an effort
to try and get him to talk to
me, because that's not the safe
thing for him to talk about
right now. That's not where he
wants to open up about. So what
are some other ways that I can
be there for him and support him
during this difficult time he
was having. And it brought a
huge amount of empathy into the
situation and allowed us of
course, to have to come back
together. My husband actually
ended up coming up to where i
was i and this is over the
holidays and I ended up going
back home with him. And of
course we were able to come back
together and work over the next
couple of years to put things
back together and make our
marriage better than it ever was
before. But I was able to do
this because I followed These
steps, I calmed down, I got
clarity, I stopped my pushes, I
started my polls. And one of the
biggest polls that I did during
this time was working on myself,
I began to really realize that I
have value, apart from my
husband. And for so much of the
first four to five years of my
marriage, I looked to him to
give me a sense of self worth.
And if he was happy with me,
then I felt good about myself, I
looked to him to fill that hole
in me, which no one can do. And
it was absolute unrealistic
expectation on my end. But how
many times do we do that in our
marriage. And it wasn't until I
began to really work on myself,
because I'm worth it. Because I
logically mentally, like,
mindset wise, believed that I
was worth it physically,
intellectually, emotionally, and
spiritually to become the best I
could be, regardless, not as a
way to try and get him to come
back or to get him to see me or
to get him to love me. But just
as a way of celebrating the fact
that I am loved, and I am
worthy, regardless of my
marriage status, regardless of
anything I achieve, regardless
of anything I do, I am loved,
and was loved before I ever did
anything. And that's where my
sense of self worth ultimately
began to take a huge shift in
the right direction. So I worked
on my pies, as we say, here at
marriage Helper, that physical,
intellectual, emotional, and
spiritual aspect of ourselves.
And that's when I began to see a
huge change in me, the things
that I was doing, the way that I
was changing my behaviors led to
a huge change in my marriage.
But the focus that I had in how
I was going to pour into myself,
had the biggest change on me.
And it just led to a continual
snowball effect of a positive
change in my marriage, positive
change on me positive change on
my marriage, positive change on
me, positive change on my
husband, which is not the goal.
I mean, that was the goal. But
that wasn't, I wasn't doing it
just for that. I was doing it
because I deserved it. And you
do, too. Whether you're
separated or not, whether you're
physically separated, or just
under the same roof, but in
different beds, emotionally
separated,
these are the steps that can
work for you as well. And I know
that because they have worked
for 1000s of people in
situations very similar to
yours. And you can get started
in that by going and joining our
membership. In fact, the content
in our membership has been
created, because it was the
content that I wanted to have
when I was going through my
marriage crisis 10 years ago.
And this is what we have now
something that has helped 1000s
upon 1000s of people over the
past several years. And we can
help you in there as well. I go
into marriage helper.com/podcast
There's a special offer for you
to join in your first month of
the save my marriage program by
joining there. Overall, here's
what I hope you remember. There
is always hope. I'll see you in
the next episode.