WELL, FOLKS, I HOPE YOU'RE EXCITED BECAUSE YOU ARE HERE ON
A NIGHT OF HUGE FIRSTS. FOR INSTANCE, THIS IS THE VERY
FIRST TIME I AM SITTING BEHIND MY NEW DESK.
ISN'T THIS BEAUTIFUL? JIMMY, CAN WE GET A SHOT OF
THIS? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS THING-- THIS WAS CARVED-- INCREDIBLE.
THIS WAS CARVED OUT OF A SINGLE PIECE OF DESK.
AND TONIGHT IS THE FIRST TIME ANYONE IS SEEING THE RENOVATED
ED SULLIVAN THEATER. LOOK AT THAT INCREDIBLE DOME UP
THERE. LOOK AT THAT.
THAT-- THAT IS ALL DIGITAL PROJECTION.
I WANTED TO HAVE MICHAEL ANK LOW PAINTED BUT IT TURNS OUT NINJA
TURTLES AREN'T REAL. AND I'M ALSO VERY EXCITED, VERY
EXCITED ABOUT MY GIANT NEW VIDEO WALL.
SEE THIS BEHIND ME, THE GIANT NEW VIDEO WALL, LIKE THIS.
I EVEN-- I CAN BE ANYWHERE. I CAN BE ANYWHERE.
THIS IS CENTRAL PARK NOW, BUT WE CAN MAKE ME ANYWHERE IN THE
WORLD, AND I EVEN HAVE ONE OVER HERE BEHIND THE GUEST, IN CASE
THE GUEST GETS BORING I CAN WATCH TV OVER THEIR SHOULDER.
AND THIS THING IS GREAT. I CAN-- I GOT SPORTS.
I GOT NEWS. AND I CAN WATCH-- OH, FALLON'S
ON. LOOK AT THAT.
I HAVE TO REMEMBER TO TIVO THIS FOR LATER.
PUT THAT UP THERE, AND THEN GET THAT GOING RIGHT THERE.
>> HEY, STEPHEN. I'M TRYING TO DO MY SHOW HERE.
WHAT'S UP. >> Stephen: SORRY, JIMMY.
WHO YOU GOT TONIGHT? >> WE HAVE RICHARD GERE, JESSICA
SIMPSON, AND KEITH URBAN. WHO DO YOU HAVE?
>> Stephen: IT'S A NEW SHOW, WE GOT GEORGE CLEANY AND JEB
BUSH. >> NICE, HAVE A GREAT SHOW,
BUDDY. >> Stephen: YOU, TOO, MAN.
>> SEE YOU IN THE LOCKER ROOM. >> Stephen: SEE THRU.
YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE SMELL.
IT'S PRETTY RIPE IN THERE. ALSO, I HAVE A LOT OF GREAT
MEMORABILIA ALL AROUND THE SET. FOR INSTANCE, UP THERE, JIMMY,
WE'VE GOT THE CAPTAIN AMERICA SHIELD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GIVEN TO ME-- GIVEN TO ME BY CAP
HIMSELF, MAD OF INDESTRUCTIBLE VIBRANIUM, BUT TURNS IT OUT, NOT
MICROWAVE SAFE. THERE IS ALSO THE PENNANT MY
MOTHER GOT WHEN SHE ATTENDED MARTIN LUTHER KING'S "I HAVE A
DREAM' QTS SPEECH IN 1963. SADLY, CIVIL RIGHTS ONLY WON THE
PENNANT THAT YEAR. RACISM WON THE WORLD SERIES.
THEN THERE'S MY ANCIENT AMULET. PRETTY SWEET.
I ALSO HAVE ALL THIS BEAUTIFUL STAINED GLASS BEHIND ME.
I CAN MAKE-- I'M SORRY, EVERYBODY.
SOMETIMES THE AMULET DRONES LIKE IT'S NOT BREEZ PLEASED WITH ME.
HERE'S THE THING, AND IT'S KIND OF A BORING STORY, BUT IN
EXCHANGE FOR GETTING THIS SHOW, I SWORE A BLOOD OATH ON THE
AMULET OF THE SNAKE-HEADED ASSYRIAN FIRE GOD WHO YOU'RE
PROBABLY FAMILIAR WITH AS HIS NEO-HATTITE NAF TAR, I CAN'T SAY
HIS FULL NAME OR HE WOULD MANIFEST OF THE HERLALDS OF THE
NTIMES, AND I'M SAVING THAT FOR SWEEPS.
TURNS OUT THERE WAS A CATCH. I MUST, FOREVER ENSLAVED TO ITS
HIDEOUS DRONE, AND MAKE CERTAIN REGRETTABLE COMPROMISES.
BUT NOT TONIGHT. TONIGHT'S HAPPY!
ANYWAY, MY FIRST GUEST BEGAN HIS CAREER-- (
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, HOW CAN I BE OF SERVICE, O INFERNAL
MASTER? NO!
NOT THE FIRST NIGHT! IT'S TOO SOON!
NO! WHAT!
HOW DID THIS GET HERE? LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE AMULET
COMMANDS ME TO INFORM YOU OF THE DELICIOUS TASTE OF TONIGHT'S
SPONSOR, SABRA ROASTED RED PEPPER HUMMUS.
(
MADE FROM SIMPLE, FRESH INGREDIENTS THAT BRING PEOPLE
TOGETHER ONE BITE AT A TIME. THERE, I'VE DONE YOUR BIDDING!
NOW LEAVE ME BE OR I WILL CAST YOU BACK INTO THE DESERT SANDS
WHERE I FOUND YOU! I SHALL NOT!
AAAGH! IT BURNS!
FINE. OR TRY SABRA GRAB N' GO SNACK
PACKS OF CLASSIC HUMMUS WITH ROLD GOLD PRETZELS.
SCOOP UP THE FUN. (
IT SLUMBERS. IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD.
I CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS. LUCKILY, I HAVE A WAY OUT.
I'M GOING TO WISH ON THIS CURSED MONKEY'S PAW.
THAT ONE-EYED HUNCHED CRONE DOWN IN CHINATOWN PROMISED ME, RIGHT
BEFORE SHE DISAPPEARED, THAT ALL I HAVE TO DO IS STROKE IT THREE
TIMES AND ALL MY PROBLEMS WILL BE CHANGED.
ONE. TWO.
HEY, IT LIKES ME! I'M GOING TO INTRODUCE THE PAW
TO JEB BUSH. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, EVERYBODY.