(upbeat music)
- Small talk, it's a great way
to make polite conversation with a neighbor or a coworker
or barista at a coffee shop where you take dumps.
But due to the pandemic
you may be a little rusty
when it comes to filling awkward silences
with meaningless blather.
That's why I'm here to help remind you
how to make small talk.
One of the trickiest parts of small talk
is letting your acquaintance know
you're paying attention to them without saying out loud
I'm paying attention to your dumb story.
That's why you need to use body language
which brings me to tip number one.
Do, look your acquaintance in the eye.
Do not poke your acquaintance in the eye.
Now if eye contact isn't your thing,
try tip number two,
do occasionally nod your head.
Do not occasionally spin your head backwards.
Does that make sense?
Great, now that you understand body language
let's move on to tip number three.
What should you chat about?
I recommend centering your small talk
on one of three topics,
the weather, the weekend and your sleep disorder.
Let's begin with the weather.
The key thing to remember here is
have a strong opinion.
The weather has either been really nice or really terrible.
Let's take a look at what not to do.
- The weather has not been a factor in my life.
Precipitation levels have neither affected me
positively or negatively.
- Okay.
- You see how Roy
didn't take a strong stance about the weather,
without having an opinion
well, Desi has nothing to respond to.
So let's see how the small talk improves
when Roy has a strong opinion.
- The weather murdered my parents when I was a child
but tonight I get my revenge.
- I know you should totally do that.
- You see, it's much better Roy.
By having a strong opinion
Desi has something to respond to
and now their conversation
about stabbing a cloud is off and running.
Now let's move on
to our next smalltalk subject, the weekend.
And no, I'm not talking about the guy
who sings about cocaine.
The key to making small talk about the weekend
is asking the right question on the right day.
Monday, ask about the previous weekend.
Tuesday, Wednesday, don't talk about the weekend,
then Thursday and Friday
ask about the upcoming weekend.
It seems easy, but let's see what happens
if you don't follow the schedule.
- How was your weekend?
- Last weekend?
I don't know it's Wednesday.
What do you want me to check my calendar
you perverted piece of shit (beep) you.
- See, Roy asked Desi about her previous weekend
too far into the week.
And Desi got confused
and rightfully called Roy perverted piece of shit.
Let's see what happens when Roy asked
that same question on a Monday.
- How was your weekend?
- It was nice.
Saturday I went to the park with some friends
and Sunday I took my revenge out on a cloud.
- That sounds relaxing.
- And there you go,
by asking the right question on the right day,
Desi can respond
and now their conversation about stabbing a cloud
is off and running.
That's great work.
And finally, our last small talk subject,
your sleep disorder.
Unlike our first two subjects
this is a great topic
for when you want to politely end a small talk,
simply mention your sleep disorder
and then fall asleep.
The person you're talking with will leave
and you'll be free to carry on with the rest of your day.
The only thing to remember here is that
both people shouldn't use this same strategy
at the same time.
Otherwise, trouble results.
- And those are all of the differences
between quinoa and cauliflower rice.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I just got diagnosed with narcolepsy, excuse me.
- So weird so was I (yawning).
- See, we got a stalemate
and now these two have to pretend to be asleep,
standing up for the next few hours.
And let me tell you
as someone who actually has a sleep disorder,
that is (yawning).
(upbeat music)