Today, we're going to talk about when to stop trying to get your ex back. But first my name
is Clay with Modernlove.life, where we help you get the great loving relationship that
you're looking for without having to play mind games without having to play hard to
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But I did want to talk about today when is it time to give up trying to get your ex back?
And this is something that often a lot of people think about. They look for signs. Is
my situation hopeless? Is it getting better? Is it getting worse? What does it mean if
he's following these people on Instagram? What does it mean if she takes four hours
to text me back when usually it would only take her 30 minutes or something? And there's
a lot of looking at signs, looking at little microindicators. Okay. And this is kind of
on my mind a lot lately these days, because obviously we did have our presidential election
on Tuesday and the final results of that at least right now on Friday morning are undetermined.
And it's easy to get caught up in watching every little microanalysis of what's happening
in the news. Oh, they found some more votes in this particular
state. And that changes it so that Biden has this lead and Trump has that lead and whatever.
And it's easy to get caught up in all the drama of, oh, was there some sort of election
fraud or was it a clean election? And he said this and the other guy said that and all this
stuff. But ultimately it's kind of outside of at least my sphere of influence. I don't
know if you work in politics or in the election process or anything. But if you do, it might
be within your sphere of influence, but it's not within mine and probably not within most
people's sphere of influence who watch my videos.
And so it's not really something that I necessarily need to get caught up in too much. Yeah, at
some point in the next however long, we will know who's going to be the president next
year, but it's really not going to help me to get too caught up in the day-to-day, hour
by hour, minute by minute, second by second drama of what's happening, what state has
what lead, which battleground swing state is going to go to Trump or Biden or whatever.
And so it's just sort of worth letting go of.
And I think in a lot of senses, this is a lesson that we can apply to breakups and getting
back together with your ex. We don't necessarily need to get caught up in all of the minute
details of what does it mean if he's following attractive women on Instagram or what does
it mean if she said this? Or what does it mean when they made this sort of obscure statement?
Or what does it mean when they talked about being in a hypothetical relationship instead
of in a specific relationship with me or any of these other things? Because what we want
to do is we want to look at the big picture. What is it that we can control?
Ultimately, we can't control if someone's going to take a long time to text us back.
We can't control if someone's going to do something online, if they're going to follow
someone online or like a post online or not. Yeah, we can influence that to a certain degree
with how we're interacting with someone. And obviously if we're interacting with someone
and causing them to pull away emotionally, then yeah, that is going to have an effect
on their behavior. And likewise, if we can interact with someone in a way that's going
to warm them up and make them feel good interacting with us, that is going to affect their behavior.
And so that's really what we should be focusing on is what is the effect that we're having
on someone? What is the quality of the emotional connection?
And if you're focusing on that, then you know that you're focusing on the right things and
you can kind of let go of trying to anticipate, trying to microanalyze, trying to read too
much into whatever's happening or not happening into the little minutia of what they're saying
and doing and not saying and not doing and all of that. And that I think is the most
valuable thing that you can take from all of this. So this, going full circle here,
how does this relate to the whole idea of when to give up trying to get your ex back?
Now, I don't want you to be caught up in the microanalysis of all these little things.
I mean, that's one very common thing that I've noticed when I have coaching calls with
people is that people want to talk about these little micro things. Well, is my situation
hopeless because they made this cryptic comment? Is my situation hopeless because of this other
thing that happened? Is my situation hopeless because of that? And the truth is if you're
connecting well, you're doing everything that you can. And then it's time to just release
it, just let the connection do what it's going to do. Let whatever's going to unfold between
the two of you lead to whatever it's going to lead to, and then just release what you
have done. Be okay with it, knowing that you've done what you can do, knowing that you've
done everything that you can do within your sphere influence and let whatever happened,
whatever you did, whatever you didn't do, all of that stuff, let it sink in. And to
let your ex decide what they're going to do moving forward.
Are they going to get closer to you? Are they going to connect with you more? Are they going
to start a relationship with you? Are the two of you going to get back together? Or
are they going to choose something else, like not getting back together, being in a rebound
relationship or whatever the case may be. At the end of the day, you have to focus on
your sphere of influence, which is how you're bringing yourself to the interactions so that
you can maximize any sort of connection that might be possible between the two of you.
But then after that, you have to let it go. You have to release it so that you can live
a reasonable sane life, just like how I'm trying to live a reasonable sane life. And
I think a lot of you guys are probably also trying to lead a reasonable sane life, at
least if you're in the United States, without getting too caught up in this whole drama
of voting and counting and all this stuff that's happening right now. Oh my goodness.
As if 2020 couldn't have been more crazy, right?
But yeah. So just focus on what you can do, focus on what you have control over, let it
go. And if you're at a point where you're letting it go and you know you've done everything
that you can do and things just aren't lining up, then that's when it's time to release
this idea of getting back together with your ex. Does that mean it's not going to happen?
Not necessarily. It just might not happen on your timeframe. It might not happen in
the window of time that you want it to happen in, like this week or this month or something.
It might take a little bit longer. Maybe some of the actions that you made, some of the
connections that you made need some time to sink in and your ex needs some time to process
their emotions or they need some time to really think about what it is that they want, or
they need some time to feel the consequences of their choices, or to feel your loss or
whatever the case may be. But you have to give it time to work. And
just because they don't want to get back together with you right now, doesn't mean that it's
never going to happen. It just means that it's not going to happen right now. It doesn't
mean it's not going to happen next year or in a couple of weeks or a couple of months
or whatever. I've told this story before many times, but it bears repeating. And that's
that, yeah, when my big ex and I broke up for the final time, there was a good stretch
of time when we didn't talk to each other. And after that, I was going through this period
of time when I was trying to get right with people that I wasn't totally 100% right with.
So I sent her a message and we started talking again and we were able to have a much more
civil discussion than we were able to a year or two beforehand.
And so things definitely can change with time. Another example of this I think it's also
worth telling is that I used to live in Portland, Oregon. And there's a neighborhood in Portland,
Oregon called St. Johns. And there's a really famous iconic bridge, it's this sort of teal
bridge called the St Johns bridge creatively enough. But there's this cool park underneath
it called Cathedral Park. And one day I was walking through Cathedral Park and it seemed
as if earlier that day, some couple had been there for wedding photos or something like
that, because there were two supports for the bridge, one on each side. And underneath
one of the supports, there was a little sort of chalk thing that sort of summarized part
of the couple's love story and it kind of continued to the second support. But it was
kind of this big, messy, sloppy story. It was like, 2008, we met each other. 2009,
we broke up. 2010, we got back together again. 2011, we took our first trip here. 2012, we
broke up again. 2013, we got back together again. 2014, we got engaged and now we're
married today. And it just shows you that, yeah, we can look at an individual moment
in a relationship and try to say, "This is it. This is all or nothing," but it's not
necessarily that way. Most of the success stories that I've worked
with, they've had this really up and down dramatic roller coaster of emotions the entire
time. And probably your situation is going to be a little bit similar to that. So if
you can be okay with that, if you can be okay with focusing on what you can control within
your sphere of influence, releasing it and letting it sink in, and then just, if you
need to, let go, focus on yourself, focus on what you need to. And if something comes
back to you, whether that's your ex reaching out to you, whether that's fate somehow putting
you in each other's lives again, whether that's some chance encounter or something like that,
let that come to you. And then that potentially could become a new beginning for you.
So, anyway, I hope this helps you out. Once again, we do have our email newsletter down
there in the description box. It's totally free to sign up for it. And we send you tips,
advice, strategies, all that stuff. And we're going to be making some cool announcements
next week regarding a new course that we're going to be releasing. So I'll keep you up
to date on that here on the YouTube channel. But if you want to get first crack at that,
be on the email newsletter. But anyway, thank you so much. Once again, please hit that thumbs
up button for the YouTube algorithm. And if you want to learn more about getting back
together with your ex and your ex's emotional journey, please check out this video series
over here on your ex's five stages of getting back together. Or feel free to check out this
video series over here. Please take care. I'll talk to you next week.