- Hello, this week's episode of "Doing It"
is with the wonderful Ev'Yan Whitney,
who is a sex educator and sexuality doula.
And in this episode,
we talk all about sensuality and sexuality.
Ev'Yan has a new book that is coming out later this year
called "Sensual Self",
and that podcast is also called "Sensual Self".
So we really get into all of the sensuality stuff.
And this video is just a few clips from the podcast episode.
And if you listen to the full thing
or wherever you get your podcasts,
there's also a whole bunch of conversations
about Ev'Yan coming out as non-binary during lockdown.
And also living apart together with their partner,
and what it means to intentionally create space,
and allow space for individuality in a relationship.
This is a wonderful conversation.
I absolutely loved talking to Ev'Yan.
Like I said,
you can listen to the full episode
wherever you get your podcasts.
And also the full video episode is available
for my patrons to watch.
And I hope that you enjoy.
(electricity buzzing)
- I don't think that we know what sensuality is.
I've actually heard in my career as a sex educator,
sensuality and sexuality being used interchangeably
like they're the same thing,
which- - It's sometimes how I hear
intimacy and sexuality being used in the same-
- Yeah. - But like uh, oh.
It's when people are too scared to say the word sex I think.
- Exactly.
I mean, actually when I first started doing my work,
there wasn't a lot of sex educators around in 2011.
There just,
there was so little conversation happening on the internet.
And if it was,
you had to be in this particular time,
in this particular event,
it wasn't as widespread as it is now.
And I remember a lot of people were still really shy
about saying the word sex or sexuality.
And so they would call themselves sensuality experts,
or I'm gonna help you with your sensuality.
So I think that there is a disconnect with sensuality,
and really taking it on as a practise,
and as like an embodiment because of that disconnect,
and because of that confusion of what exactly is sensuality.
Is it sexuality light?
Is it something else?
(laughing)
And so, for me,
the trajectory of my work has always included sensuality
because I've always been really fascinated by the body,
pleasure.
And not just within a sexual context,
but within a context of self-care,
and having a relationship
and close intimacy with yourself
outside of a sexual nature.
(electricity buzzing)
I don't think it's possible.
I mean, I would love for someone to prove me wrong,
but I don't think it's possible to have sex
without sensuality being involved in it.
To have really, really good sex,
and not have your senses, your whole body,
the full participation of your senses involved in that.
- And tuning in to those things as well
because it's all well and good,
you're feeling a sensation in certain parts of your body,
but are you really paying attention to it.
- Right.
Yeah, are you present to it?
I think, one thing that I have experienced on my own
is sex tends to happen so fast.
There's all sorts of chemicals going on, hormones.
I mean, there's lots of exchanges happening,
bodies colliding together.
And this process of sensuality is, for me,
a practise of slowing down,
and really taking time to nourish
and savour every aspect of a moment.
And that can happen in sex,
but I'm also practising that within my daily life as well.
(electricity buzzing)
The whole point of this book
is to have you create a practise
and a ritual of sensuality.
And it starts not just with the five senses,
it starts with the relationship you have with your body.
I mean, it would be really easy to be like,
okay, go out and smell something today.
(laughing)
But there are so many other parts of your body
that you have access to,
and I think a lot of us
are really disconnected from our bodies
because of the world that we live in.
We don't live in a world that really encourages us
to be in our bodies.
A lot of us are walking around
with a lot of trauma in our bodies,
and that creates even more disconnect
and more dissociation.
And so, with "Sensual Self",
one of the things that I'm really trying
to invite people to think about is
the relationship that they have with their bodies,
starting from what you just mentioned a moment ago,
your breath.
Like how do you breathe?
So many of us are holding our breath
without us even knowing it.
I know that I'm a chronic breath holder.
And how does holding your breath
keep you from being fully in your body,
keep you from being fully present?
- This is why yoga instructors tell you to breathe.
- That's right.
- Not because they think you're an idiot,
but because you have been literally holding your breath,
and you need to be reminded to breathe.
- And there's so much juicy medicine within breathing.
There's, I mean, I just got certified as a breath worker.
And so I was like really-
- Oh my god, that's a thing.
- Yeah.
And I was really taken aback by just how powerful
and important breath is,
and how it can move emotion.
How it can bring us back into our bodies
in ways that may be really uncomfortable for us,
which is why we're holding our breath all the time.
(laughing)
So these are all these little pieces,
it's not just about the senses,
it's about the whole body.
And so I think that that's where it starts.
I mean, people are always talking to me
about wanting to have the best sex of their lives.
And the first question I have is like,
what relationship do you have with your body?
Because if you're disconnected from your body,
there's no way that you're going to be present enough
in your body to have the best sex of your life
that you want to have.
So I think that relationship is so foundational,
and sensuality is like the method,
the modality that can help get us there.
(electricity buzzing)
I think that there are a lot of preconceived notions
and shoulds that we place upon ourselves
in regards to our gender,
in regards to our sexuality,
in regards to the way that we look
and people perceive us.
And so coming out as non-binary alongside doing this work
around connecting to my body in a really real
and consistent way has let me see the ways
that those stories have been impressed upon me.
And how I don't have to subscribe to them.
I get to reject these stories that
if my body looks like this,
that means that I'm that.
If I have boobs, that means that I am a woman.
And how much more possibility
and nuance has been created for me
because of just this change of language,
and this change of perspective of how I've seen my body.
And I mean, these are things
that I've been thinking about for a long time,
but never found the courage to really be in them,
and allow myself to just like feel into them.
So it's been really nice to experience
what a non-binary body is,
and truly, nothing's changed about my body.
It's just my perspective,
and the way that I see my body has changed.
(electricity buzzing)
(upbeat music)