I don't want to brag,
but I make a lot of money
doing comedy.
So much that I had to move in with
my mom.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
One of those full-circle moments,
people.
Yeah, I thought it was going to be
cool hanging out with my mom
at this age, but it's not.
It's very uncomfortable.
I'm a 40-year-old man, people.
Do you know how hard it is to look
your mom in the face
as you hand over
her unmentionables?
Laundry day is just horrible for me.
(audience laughing)
I hate it.
Her underwear
was not on my vision board, people.
(audience laughing)
Ahh, it's just so awkward
all the time.
But I figured out a way around it.
Now I just hang them on the bedroom
door knob.
(audience laughing)
I'll take a picture, and I text it
to her like an Amazon driver.
That sort of thing.
(audience laughing)
Because I'm a professional.
And don't worry.
I'll make sure they're all stapled
together just like DoorDash--
so she knows nobody else touched
them.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, I live with three women, man.
My mom and my two daughters,
yeah, and a cat.
So there's hair everywhere.
(audience laughing)
You ever showered
after three women?
You ever showered
after three women?
It's disgusting.
You get in the shower.
Seven different kinds of body wash,
right?
There's hair on the walls.
There's hair on the shower curtain.
There's hair on the ceiling.
Just hair floating past you.
You're just like, "What is this?"
(audience laughing)
And never shower after a woman
who deep-conditioned her hair.
That stuff is like black ice
on the bottom of the tub, people.
I had three concussions
this past year alone.
(audience laughing)
I have to shower with a bicycle helmet
on now.
(audience laughing)
It's horrible.
(audience laughing)
But I'll be 42 this year, people.
42.
Yeah.
(audience cheering)
Yeah.
Where are my people at that's
40 and over?
Where we at?
(audience cheering)
We're in here.
And we're sleepy, aren't we?
(audience laughing)
Just a little bit.
We don't want to be--
I don't want to be here.
Because when you're in your 20s
and early 30s, everything
is like whoooo.
(cheering)
When you're over 40, this is it
right here.
This is all we're doing mostly.
I don't know about you,
but I'm trying to get home, get out
of these jeans,
and sit on the edge of the bed,
and scratch a little bit.
(audience laughing)
Just really concentrate and
get in there.
And turn on some Hulu
and just really just get in there.
Aah.
That inner thigh gets dry when you
get 40 for some reason, I guess.
(audience laughing)
My body is changing.
That's all.
My hairline's starting to have
to track me to the back of my neck.
Just-- You know what I'm talking
about, sir.
(audience laughing)
He understands my plight.
But he has a nice, round head.
You look good, bald man.
You look wonderful bald.
I don't-- I got it shaved down very
lightly, but I'm scared to just cut
it all the way off, man, because I
don't have a nice round head
like yours.
Look at this.
Check this out.
Bam.
You see that?
Look, look.
You can see it, right?
You can see the peak.
You see it?
(audience laughing)
You see it over there?
You see that?
(audience laughing)
If I cut it all the way off,
I'm going to look like that one
brown crayon
sticking out of the box.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
My point is, I like your head, sir.
(audience laughing)
Body is just changing, man.
Just got my first hemorrhoid
a few months ago.
(audience laughing)
I only thought that happened
to old people.
No.
I found it when I was washing up.
I didn't even know what it was.
I thought I'd just sat
on a gummy bear.
I was like--
(audience laughing)
How did candy get down my pants?
(audience laughing)
Is that a Jolly Rancher?
Where did that come from?
(audience laughing)
Some of you guys are laughing
kind of hard.
You still got something back there,
don't you?
(audience laughing)
Like, I've even tried to get rid
of this for the past two weeks.
(audience laughing)
I get it.
Trying to date at 42 is not fun.
I'm trying to date.
That's not fun at all.
I'm just not even
excited about going on dates.
I can tell I'm not
excited about going on dates
because I start preparing
for my return
before I even leave the house.
You all do that?
I got Hulu on pause.
I got my pajamas laid out.
Food in the microwave.
I'm excited to spend time with me.
You know what I mean?
And I don't care how I dress.
It's just indifference now.
20s and 30s, I would be
in the mirror all day.
"I look good."
Going on a date over 40, you just
walk past the mirror.
I'm like, "Huh, whatever."
(audience laughing)
You don't care.
Whatever I order,
like food and stuff,
I used to be conscious of that
because I'm like,
I may get a kiss later.
So I don't want to order anything
that's going to make my breath
stink.
Now I'm like, I don't care.
Extra garlic, extra onions.
And I'm not rolling down the window
when we get in the car either.
(audience laughing)
I don't care how cold it is.
We're just going to sit in here
and hotbox these pierogies I just
opened up.
Well, that's what's going to happen.
(audience laughing)
Now you're going to sit there
and take it like a woman.
(audience laughing)
But dudes my age want to date young.
They do.
They try.
Mid 20s, late 20s.
I can't do it.
The interest level is just too
different.
I tried it.
I'm not going to lie.
She was like 26 or 27.
Invited her over to watch some TV,
some Netflix.
I'm like, "Hey, let's check out
"this documentary."
I heard it was real cool.
She didn't want to do that.
She went in the corner started
making TikTok videos.
(audience laughing)
I'm like,
"My mom says you got to go."
(audience cheering)
Yeah, man.
That's why I need a woman that
understands my needs,
understands my body.
40 is not old.
It's not.
But it's that age where you might
get out of a chair
and start limping for no reason.
Like, "Oh, that's my bad knee."
A young woman, she's like, "You OK?
"You gone to the doctor?"
I'm like,
Yeah, I went to the doctor.
"What did he say?"
He said it was bad.
That's all he said.
He said I had BAD.
That's all he said.
It's clicking
when I do this.
(audience laughing)
I'm just not built the same.
I'm not.
I found that out when I went
to the gym.
It was leg day, people.
I was doing some squats,
and guess what happened.
I farted.
(audience laughing)
Yep, surprised everybody in the gym
(audience laughing)
including me.
I didn't know what to do.
That happened on my first rep,
people.
I didn't do a second rep.
I was like, Ah, let me just
go home.
I don't trust myself.
You know what I mean.
(audience laughing)
These are my good shorts.
I don't want to mess them up.
You know what I mean.
I still had the tag on them.
I was thinking about taking them
back to the store.
I don't want to do it.
I can't do it.
That's why I can't date nobody
young, man.
I can't because they don't
understand what we go through when
we go to sleep.
Because a 20-year-old, 25 years,
she's just going to go straight
to bed.
When you're 40 and over,
you got to get ready for bed.
It's a process.
When I get in the bed at night,
guess what I have to do?
I have to put a pillow
in between my knees
so my hip and my back
don't hurt in the morning.
I got a pillow underneath this arm
right here so I don't roll over
on my bad rotator cuff.
I got a nasal strip on so I don't
suffocate in my sleep.
(audience laughing)
I got a mouthpiece in so I don't
grind my teeth down to nothing
because I can't sleep.
I'm stressed out thinking
my daughter is going to kill me
in my sleep.
(audience laughing)
And I got a CPAP mask on.
(breathing)
Are you ready for round two, girl?
(audience laughing)
(breathing)
(audience laughing)
Hold on, I got to pee.
I'll be right back.
(audience laughing)
So I need a woman
that understands me.
I need a mature woman.
Yes, 45 to 60 years old.
That's my age range.
(audience laughing)
That's what I like.
And I see you out there.
I see you.
Yes, I love it.
Hot flashes and mustaches.
That's what I'm into.
(audience laughing)
I don't mind
a little extra testosterone
in the system.
It doesn't matter.
We can stay at home and arm wrestle
if you want to.
You know what I mean?
(audience laughing)
It's that type of woman when she
laugh or sneeze,
she'd pee on herself just
a little bit.
(audience laughing)
Not a lot.
Just enough to say, "Hey, we had
"a good time."
You what I mean?
(audience laughing)
At this stage of my life,
I just want somebody to take a nap
with.
That's all I want.
We going to wake up,
go to the Cracker Barrel,
eat, come back home and take
another nap.