>> Stephen: HEY, MAN!
WHERE YOU BEEN?
I HAVE BEEN HERE ALL DAY WAITING FOR YOU TO SHOW UP!
I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE!
I THOUGHT MAYBE I HAD THE WRONG PLACE!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
TONIGHT, A VERY SPECIAL LATE-STARTING EPISODE,
COMING RIGHT OFF THE HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE INCREDIBLE
BALL-SMACKIN' ACTION TODAY AT AUGUSTA NATIONAL.
ALL THE STARS OF GOLF WERE THERE: THE CLUB, THE HOLE, THE
TINY FLAG.
EVERYTHING YOU LOVE.
BUT SINCE WE'RE EXTRA LATE, WE GET TO BE EXTRA SPICY.
AND SEX SELLS, SO LET'S START WITH THE TOO-HOT-FOR-TV STORY
THAT'S MAKING EVERYONE'S TEMPERATURE RISE:
FORMER TEXAS CONGRESSMAN AND COMPANY FOUNDER ON THE BAG OF
GOURMET PANCAKE MIX, RON PAUL.
PAUL IS A HARDCORE LIBERTARIAN WHO HAS BEEN CALLED THE FATHER
OF THE TEA PARTY.
WHICH IS MUCH KINDER THAN POINTIG OUT THAT HE'S THE
FATHER OF RAND PAUL.
YESTERDAY, CONGRESSMAN PAUL APPEARED ON A ZOOM PODCAST TO
DISCUSS THE FUTURE OF PERSONAL LIBERTY.
AND AT THE END, HE REVEALED THAT HE HAD TAKEN SOME LIBERTIES OF
HIS OWN.
>> THANKS, RON, IT WAS A REAL HONOR TO HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW.
VERY-- >> NICE BEING WITH BOTH OF YOU.
TRULY.
>> ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.
>> THANK YOU.
>> THANKS, RON.
>> STEPHEN: WOO!
YEAH!
HE'S NOT JUST SMALL-GOVERNMENT, HE IS TINY TROUSERS!
AND DEFINITELY LEANS TO THE RIGHT.
I'M NOT SURPRISED A LIBERTARIAN LIKE RON PAUL FLAUNTS THE DAISY
DUKES.
IT ALL GOES BACK TO AYN RAND'S CLASSIC WORK OF RATIONAL
SELF-INTEREST, "ATLAS TWERKED."
CONGRESSMAN PAUL, THANK YOU FOR SHOWING US THE FUTURE OF THE
LIBERTARIAN MOVEMENT-- FREE-THINKING, UNREGULATED,
BALL-HUGGING HOT PANTS.
LET THE MARKET DECIDE HOW MUCH SIDE-BUTT AN 85-YEAR-OLD MAN
SHOULD SHOW!
WHY DO YOU THINK FORMER FED CHAIR ALAN GREENSPAN WAS BETTER
KNOWN AS ALAN G-STRING?
ANDREA MITCHELL IS A LOVELY, LUCKY LADY.
SPEAKING OF OLD MEN WHO ARE LETTING IT ALL HANG OUT
JOE BIDEN.
TODAY IS HIS 79TH DAY IN OFFICE, AND HE'S ALREADY DONE A BUNCH OF
POPULAR THINGS.
ONE QUARTER OF THE U.S.
POPULATION IS FULLY VACCINATED, HE'S SENT EVERYBODY A $1,400
CHECK, AND SOON, HE'S GOING TO ANNOUNCE "ONLY STUFF" OREOS.
TODAY, JOJO KEPT HIS MOJO WORKIN' AND ANNOUNCED SEVERAL
EXECUTIVE ACTIONS TO TACKLE GUN VIOLENCE, STARTING WITH CRACKING
DOWN ON SO-CALLED GHOST GUNS, WHICH ARE UNTRACEABLE KITS
CONTAINING ALL OF THE COMPONENTS AND DIRECTIONS TO BUILD A GUN.
THEY'RE REALLY CHEAP, BUT IN THE END, YOU ALWAYS HAVE A FEW EXTRA
TRIGGERS, AND IT WINDS UP LOOKING LIKE THIS.
BIDEN ALSO INTRODUCED A NEW RULE THAT WOULD MAKE CLEAR THAT WHEN
A DEVICE TRANSFORMS A PISTOL INTO A SHORT-BARREL RIFLE, THAT
WEAPON IS SUBJECT TO THE REQUIREMENTS OF THE NATIONAL
FIREARMS ACT.
YEAH.
YOU CAN'T ATTACH SOMETHING BIGGER TO SOMETHING SMALLER AND
STILL SAY IT'S THE SMALL THING.
SAME WAY YOU CAN'T STRAP A PELOTON TO THE TOP OF YOUR
S.U.V. AND ENTER THE TOUR DE FRANCE.
RATS.
BIDEN ALSO HAD A SUGGESTION FOR THE STATES:
>> I WANTED TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR STATES TO ADOPT EXTREME RISK
PROTECTION ORDER LAWS.
THEY'RE ALSO CALLED RED FLAG LAWS.
THESE LAWS ALLOW POLICE OR A FAMILY MEMBER TO PETITION A
COURT IN THEIR JURISDICTION AND SAY, "I WANT YOU TO TEMPORARILY
REMOVE FROM THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE ANY FIREARM THEY MAY POSSESS,
BECAUSE THEY ARE A DANGER IN A CRISIS.
THEY ARE PRESENTING A DANGER TO THEMSELVES AND TO OTHERS."
>> STEPHEN: HEAR, HEAR!
AND IN THAT SPIRIT I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY, RED FLAG!
BIDEN ALSO USED THE EVENT TO ANNOUNCE HIS NOMINEE TO LEAD A
BUREAU HE CAN'T ABBREVIATE: >> FINALLY, THE BUREAU OF
ALCOBAL-- OF ALCOHOL, TOBACCO AND
FIREARMS, THE KEY AGENCY ENFORCING GUN LAWS, HASN'T HAD A
PERMANENT DIRECTOR SINCE 2015.
TODAY, I'M PROUD TO NOMINATE DAVID CHIPMAN TO SERVE AS
DIRECTOR OF THE A.F.T.
DAVID KNOWS THE A.F.T. WELL.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, HE KNOWS THE A.F.T. SO WELL THAT HE KNOWS
IT'S THE A.T.F.
NOW, CHIPMAN IS A CONTROVERSIAL CHOICE BECAUSE HE'S A GUN
CONTROL ADVOCATE.
UNLIKE THE LAST ADMINISTRATION'S HEAD OF THE BUREAU OF ALCOHOL,
TOBACCO, FIREARMS AND EXPLOSIVES,
HEAD OF THE A.T.F.: DRUNK JOE CAMEL SHOOTING
DYNAMITE OFF A FENCE.
BIDEN'S ALSO GOT A PLAN FOR U.S.
INFRASTRUCTURE THAT WOULD COVER TRANSPORTATION, BROADBAND, THE
ELECTRIC GRID AND HOUSING, FIX 20,000 MILES OF ROADS AND 10,000
BRIDGES, AND ELIMINATE LEAD PIPES FROM THE NATION'S WATER
SUPPLIES.
I'D SAY THEY'VE THROWN IN EVERYTHING BUT THE KITCHEN SINK,
BUT THE KITCHEN SINK HAS LEAD PIPES, SO IT'S IN THERE!
THIS BILL'S VERY POPULAR, SO REPUBLICANS ARE DESPERATELY
SEARCHING FOR A REASON TO OPPOSE IT.
ENTER TENNESSEE SENATOR AND WOMAN STILL WAITING FOR HER
PROM DATE 50 YEARS LATER MARSHA BLACKBURN.
BLACKBURN ATTACKED THE BILL ON TWITTER, COMPLAINING, "JOE
BIDEN'S PLAN IS ABOUT ANYTHING BUT INFRASTRUCTURE.
$400 BILLION FOR ELDER CARE."
FIRST OF ALL, SENIORS ARE YOUR VOTERS.
SECOND OF ALL, WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?
SENIORS ARE INFRASTRUCTURE.
THEY HOLD THE COLLECTIVE MEMORY OF EVERY ROAD EVER BUILT.
(AS SENIOR) "DID YOU TAKE THE 480 BYPASS TO
GET HERE TODAY?
I REMEMBER BEFORE THEY BUILT THAT, YOU HAD TO TAKE THE
TWO-LANE TO CHESTER AND DOUBLE BACK.
YOU'D SPEND AN HOUR WAITING AT THAT LIGHT OVER BY ROUTE 16.
I SURE MISS OUR OLD NASH RAMBLER.
IT HAD A RUMBLE SEAT.
WHO WANTS HOT FRUIT?" THE INFRASTRUCTURE BILL IS
POLLING EVEN HIGHER THAN THE COVID BAILOUT BILL.
BUT REPUBLICANS DON'T CARE WHETHER SOMETHING'S POPULAR.
CASE IN POINT, THEMSELVES.
IN THE LATEST POLL, THE G.O.P.
TRAILS DEMOCRATS IN PARTY AFFILIATION 49% TO 40%, THE
DEMOCRATS' LARGEST ADVANTAGE SINCE THE FOURTH QUARTER OF
2012.
BACK THEN, THE DEMOCRATS WERE RIDING HIGH, UNTIL BARACK OBAMA
MADE THAT HISTORIC FOREIGN POLICY BLUNDER AND WORE A
TAN SUIT.
AMERICA STILL HAS TROOPS STATIONED IN THE MEN'S
WEARHOUSE.
BUT, THE G.O.P. HAS A PLAN TO OVERCOME THE DEFICIT AT THE
VOTING BOOTH: KEEPING PEOPLE OUT OF THE
VOTING BOOTH.
GEORGIA JUST PASSED NEW VOTER SUPPRESSION LAWS, THE MOST
CONTROVERSIAL OF WHICH IS THE ONE THAT MAKES IT A MISDEMEANOR
TO GIVE FOOD OR WATER TO PEOPLE STANDING IN LINE TO VOTE.
YES, IT'S A CRIME TO GIVE PEOPLE FOOD AND WATER.
JUST LIKE IT SAYS IN THE OLD GOSPEL SONG:
♪ JESUS GAVE ME WATER.
AND WE THREW HIM IN THE JAIL. ♪ >> STEPHEN: ONE OF AMERICA'S
PREMIER VOTE SUPPRESSORS IS GEORGIA GOVERNOR AND "HUNKA
HUNKA BURNING CRAP," BRIAN KEMP.
YESTERDAY, KEMP APPEARED ON NEWSMAX AND HE GAVE ADVICE TO
HUNGRY VOTERS, WHO WILL BE FORCED TO WAIT IN LINE FOR
HOURS: >> THEY CAN ORDER A PIZZA.
THEY CAN ORDER GRUBHUB OR UBER EATS.
>> STEPHEN: IT'S THAT KIND OF CARE FOR THE PEOPLE THAT'S
CAPTURED IN HIS CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: "LET THEM ORDER CAKE."
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT: SO, YOU CAN ORDER A PIZZA, BUT
YOU'VE GOT TO EAT THE ENTIRE THING, BECAUSE IF YOU SHARE IT
WITH OTHER VOTERS IN LINE, YOU COULD GO TO PRISON.
OR WORSE, PAPA JOHN'S.
WE'RE GETTING MORE DETAILS ABOUT THE MOST WONDERFUL TERRIBLE
STORY IN THE NEWS: THE FEDERAL INVESTIGATION INTO FLORIDA
REPRESENTATIVE MATT GAETZ, SEEN HERE SAYING, "YOU MUST BE NO
TALLER THAN THIS TO RIDE MATT GAETZ."
GAETZ IS CURRENTLY UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR ALLEGEDLY
HAVING AN ALLEGEDLY SEXUAL ALLEGED RELATIONSHIP WITH A
17-ALLEGED-YEAR-OLD.
AND NOW, IT TURNS OUT, THAT MAY NOT BE THE MOST ILLEGAL THING
HE'S ALLEGEDLY DONE.
I'LL GIVE YOU ALL THE DISTURBING UPDATES IN OUR RECURRING
SEGMENT: "GAETZ-GAETE!"
>> YO, YOU NEED A RIDE HOME FROM SWIM PRACTICE?
>> STEPHEN: WE JUST LEARNED THAT FEDERAL INVESTIGATORS ARE NOW
LOOKING INTO WHETHER A BAHAMAS TRIP MATT GAETZ ALLEGEDLY TOOK
IN LATE 2018 OR EARLY 2019 VIOLATED SEX TRAFFICKING LAWS.
IT'S THE WORST CRIME HE COULD HAVE COMMITTED IN THE BAHAMAS,
SECOND ONLY TO THESE BEACH BRAIDS.
APPARENTLY, GAETZ WAS INVITED ON THE TRIP BY MARIJUANA
ENTREPRENEUR AND HAND SURGEON, JASON PIROZZOLO.
YES, MARIJUANA ENTREPRENEUR AND HAND SURGEON, WHICH MEANS HE CAN
CURE YOUR CARPAL TUNNEL AND TURN YOUR THUMB INTO A BONG.
GAETZ WENT TO THE BAHAMAS AS A GUEST OF DR. POT HANDS, WHO
ALLEGEDLY PAID FOR THE TRAVEL EXPENSES, ACCOMMODATIONS, AND
FEMALE ESCORTS.
PROBABLY KIND OF CONFUSING TO LAY THAT OUT.
"MATT, THE LADIES ARE ON ME...
BECAUSE I'M PAYING FOR THEM TO BE ON YOU."
GAETZ'S SPOKESPERSON RELEASED A STATEMENT IN RESPONSE TO THE NEW
ALLEGATIONS, SAYING, "REPRESENTATIVE GAETZ HAS NEVER
PAID FOR SEX, NOR HAS HE HAD SEX WITH AN UNDERAGE GIRL."
AT THIS POINT, GAETZ HAS SAID THAT SO MANY TIMES, IT JUST
AUTO-FILLS ON EVERY MESSAGE: "REPRESENTATIVE GAETZ HAS NEVER
HAD SEX WITH AN UNDERAGE GIRL...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GRANDMA!" I KNOW GAETZ IS FROM FLORIDA,
BUT "BAHAMAS SEX TRAFFICKING WITH A WEED-PEDDLING HAND
SURGEON" IS ALMOST TOO FLORIDA, EVEN FOR HIM.
AT THIS POINT, IT FEELS LIKE WE'RE JUST GENERATING HIS CRIMES
AT RANDOM.
TOMORROW, INVESTIGATORS WILL BE LOOKING INTO MATT GAETZ'S TRIP
TO... SIX FLAGS... BANGKOK, WITH A... MOONSHINER... EAR, NOSE,
AND THROAT MAN, TO... SMUGGLE...
ENDANGERED... TEENAGE SNAKES.
AND THINGS ARE ABOUT TO GET WORSE FOR GAETZ, THANKS TO
FORMER FLORIDA TAX COLLECTOR JOEL GREENBERG, WHO GAETZ
DESCRIBED AS A "WINGMAN."
ACCORDING TO SOME SOURCES, THE TWO SHARED MORE THAN ONE
GIRLFRIEND.
OR WHAT THE FRENCH CALL A "MENAGE A..." (GAGS).
FIRSTLY: EW.
SECONDLY, "SHARING" IS NOT GOING TO WIN GAETZ ANY FANS ON THE
RIGHT.
PROSTITUTION IS ONE THING, BUT THAT'S SOCIALISM!
GREENBERG IS IN FEDERAL CUSTODY FACING 33 DIFFERENT COUNTS OF
FINANCIAL AND SEX CRIMES.
AND IT LOOKS LIKE GREENBERG WILL BE PLEADING GUILTY, WHICH MEANS
HE'LL PROBABLY COOPERATE AS A KEY WITNESS AGAINST
REPRESENTATIVE MATT GAETZ.
GAETZ IS GOING TO GET SCREWED!
AND AS USUAL, HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO PAY FOR IT.
NOTHING IS OFFICIAL YET, BUT HERE'S GREENBERG'S OWN LAWYER
OUTSIDE OF COURT TODAY.
>> DOES MATT GAETZ HAVE ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT?
>> I AM SURE MATT GAETZ IS NOT FEELING VERY COMFORTABLE TODAY.
>> Stephen: OH, I BELIEVE MAT GAETZ ISN'T FEELING COMFORTABLE
TODAY, BECAUSE HE NEVER SEEMS COMFORTABLE.
THE MAN LOOKS LIKE A THUMB THAT STEPPED ON SOME TEETH.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS HANK AZARIA.
AND LATER, A PERFORMANCE BY THE BOYS FROM ROCKFORD, CHEAP
TRICK.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
STICK AROUND!
♪♪♪