So this verse follows on the previous one:
"Who are the slippery monsters that slide between love and hate? False friends and those
around us who only pretend to wish us well."
So this is different than the misleading friends of the previous verse. The misleading friends
of the previous verse actually like us. They just have different kinds of values and so
they steer us in directions that take us away from the Dharma. These are false friends who
don't really like us but pretend to wish us well because they can get something out of
us. So these are the people who use us, because in one way or another we provide something
that they like, or something that they need. So they're "slippery monsters that slide between
love and hate." Because when they want something from us they're so nice. And when they have
no use for us, poof.
Do you know people like that? Oh we know all sorts of people like that, but we never have
behaved that way, have we? Never us. We would never be a false friend, okay, we know that. (laughter)
But when you think of it, people who use other people. So you need some affection or you
need sex or you need affirmation or you need contacts, or you need knowledge about something,
or whatever it is you need. Maybe you need money, maybe you need possessions, you need
connections, whatever it is you want, you need, then the person who can provide that
for you, so nice, you're so nice to them. Wonderful, charming, like this (bows). Yeah?
We had one person stay at the Abbey, whenever I knew he wanted something, he put his arms
behind his back and kind of leaned over and was very sweet. (Laughter) I knew something
was coming.
But then when other people don't serve us, or -- you know, I'm talking about us being
false friends. Or when we have false friends, when we're of no use to them anymore, then
poof. They won't give us the time of day. Or if it's us being the false friend, we won't
give them the time of day. We won't say hello, we don't return phone calls. We have nothing
to get out of them so why should we bother? And then sometimes people treat us that way,
too. And what gets really sticky is when --
Okay, let's say people treat us that way. If we're attached to them but they're only
nice to us when they want something and not nice when they don't want something, when
they are false friends who only pretend to wish us well... But if we're attached to them,
then even though they're nice to us and they stab us in the back, we can't separate from
them. Because of our attachment.
Have you seen relationships like this? I think it's what they call co-dependence, isn't it?
So even somebody's pretending to be a friend, not a real friend, but because of our attachment,
or maybe we're using them in the same way, and we can still get something out of them...
Then we can't separate from them.
Or similar, the reverse thing, if we're the false friend, and coochie-coo to somebody
we want something from, forget them, walk out the door when we don't want something,
but then they keep contacting us again and again, you know, please come back and so on...
Again, because of their attachment, and then because we're a false friend, we really use
that to our advantage even more, because if they want something from us, then we know
how to manipulate them to get what we want, too.
So it all winds up in one huge mess, with a lot of pain. Doesn't it? And no genuine
love, no genuine compassion, just two people being extremely selfish and self-centered.
And my guess is we've all probably been in relationships like that, where we've played
one role or the other role.
I read one thing. What was it called? It was a threesome: the perpetrator, the victim,
and the rescuer. So this is exactly what's going on with those three.
So let's not be either the one who is the false friend or the one who goes along with
a false friend because of our own attachment. Because neither one of those situations actually
benefits anybody.
It doesn't mean you take the false friend and throw him out the window, and say forget
you. It's just, you have your own sense of integrity and you just say, "I'm not going
to be involved in this." That's all. You don't need to get mad and yell and scream and blame
and throw things. It's just, I'm not going to be involved. That's it. Because it's not
good for me and it's not good for the other person. Because we're all just playing off
each other's attachment with really self-centered motivations.
(In response to audience): You're saying it doesn't seem like there's any love, and that's
really true. Although the people who are in it sometimes think they love each other dearly.
But genuine love is wanting somebody to have happiness and the causes of happiness. Attachment
is when you want something from them. You know? You like them and you want to do things
for them because they somehow provide something for you.
Lama Yeshe once said something really shocking. He said, "Often -- not always but often -- when
people say 'I love you,' what they mean is 'I want to use you.'"
Think about that one.
It's true though, isn't it? It's sad. And that's why as Dharma practitioners we're really
trying to generate genuine care and affection for other people. Regardless of what they
can do for us that gives us more worldly status or more worldly whatever it is. We're trying
to just care for them simply because they're alive. So it takes a lot of work on our part
to purify all of our wrong motivations.
(in response to audience): Right, often there's no love. Sometimes there might be some genuine
care and affection. But sometimes that gets undermined, or completely overwhelmed by people
using each other.
(in response to audience): A lot of unacknowledged needs. And then the false idea that somebody
else is going to meet my needs. How is somebody else going to meet our needs?
Yeah?
People can be kind to us. And people can do things for us. I'm not saying that nobody
cares and that everybody's selfish. But what I'm saying is, when we have bottomless needs,
how is somebody else going to meet them? When we have reasonable needs, you know, I need
a hammer, yes, you can.... (laughter) I need help moving this from place to place, yes,
you can meet... But when somebody has a bottomless emotional need, no way.
(In response to audience): So she's asking, Can we sometimes be so afraid, or have so
much aversion, to these kind of relationships of people using each other that we go in the
opposite direction -- not super attached to somebody because we can get something out
of them -- but super detached in an unhealthy way of, you know, I'm independent, I'm going
to take care of everything myself, I don't need you.... That is just as afflicted as
the attached version is, isn't it? Because it's very much based on a reified self. "I'm
an independent being, don't even give me the time of day, I'll find out by myself." You
know? And that impedes our ability to really connect with other people, which is what we
want to do as Dharma practitioners, is really connect with other living beings in a healthy
way so that we really benefit each other. So sometimes that fear... Instead of being
a balance of 'no, I'm not going to get involved,' it's like [makes harsh pushing away gesture]
(In response to audience): So you're saying that sometimes people can be good friends
and sometimes they can be these kind of false friends. Yes, that's true. But that is exactly
what makes them in one way false friends. Because what does he say here? "What are the
slippery monsters that slide between love and hate?" So the time when they are very
friendly and kind, it's hard to know, do they genuinely care? Or is it because they want
something? We don't really know. So we have to give some space. Sometimes they are genuinely
friendly. But we also know that sometimes their friendliness is because they want something.
And it can sometimes be very hard for us because of our own needs to tell the difference between
the two. Which is why I said that when one party is attached to the other one they don't
see it as 'this person is a false friend that is only pretending to like me but they don't
really.' They see it as 'this person really love me, but sometimes they're just out of
control.' 'Or 'sometimes they're suffering too much. So I'm going to stay here with them
and I'm going to save them.' So these things are very, very complicated. I'm just giving
some hints. I'm not saying every relationship is like this all the time. But what I'm saying
is that we have to look very closely at our own behavior. And also, for ourselves, to
see when we genuinely care and when we're attached or when we feel guilty. Because somebody
might be this kind of false friend, and they might sometimes even really care about us,
but then sometimes they don't. I mean this happens in relationships, doesn't it? I mean,
cases of domestic abuse are very good ideas of this. But then when you face domestic abuse
then you start saying, 'Well did they ever care about me or were they using me all along?"
Who knows? I mean, the other person themselves may not even know. But the thing is, for us,
to be astute in our dealings with people. And that's why you have, in cases of domestic
abuse, one person keeps going back to the other one even though they're treating them
awfully. Or because they're attached. Or maybe because they feel guilty. Or maybe because
they're going to rescue the other person. And maybe there was once true affection, or
maybe... You know, we go up and down. One moment we have true affection, five minutes
later we're using somebody. It's true, isn't it? So it changes. So it's really hard to know.
But the thing is, for us, to try and be a true friend as much as we can, and not use
other people. And second of all, to be wise and not get so attached to other people that
we can't separate when it's an unhealthy relationship. That's what I'm getting at.
But you know, we are afflicted sentient beings. So how much afflicted sentient beings can
have 100% unpolluted love? Difficult. So we do the best we can. And that's got to be good
enough. And at the same time, we keep trying to purify the way that we care for other people.
And if we do that, then we avoid both roles, actually, I think. Because if we can really
care for other people then we don't use them, and we also don't let them use us. And we
either say, no, I'm not going to get involved. Or like the Catholic priest who wrote "Tattoos
on the Heart," when he said, "I give my advantage away" when people asked him, "Aren't these
people taking advantage of you?" He said, "I give my advantage away." So sometimes,
you give your advantage away. But you're doing it with your eyes open, consciously, for the
other person's benefit. But when you do it out of attachment or out of guilt or out of
rescuing, then it only reinforces the completely murky, tangled up, extremely painful kind
of relationship. I mean extremely painful. We've all been through it, haven't we?