In a very real way, for the next five minutes,
fucking zone out, I know they made...
They made, like, an announcement topic,
don't be on your phone, pay attention, we're taping.
I would say, "zone out."
(audience laughs)
Standup is such an outdated and boring medium.
It's embarrassing we're allowed to be up here.
I understand how standup was interesting
in, like, the 1920's, when entertainment
was truly awful, and people were like,
"This morning, we watched a locomotive go by,"
(audience laughs)
"and then, we saw a show where
"one of the whites talked for a whole 40 minutes,"
But now...
"He didn't die of polio once!"
But, now, it's 2020, you understand
what you could be doing with your time
instead of being here?
You understand how good technology
and entertainment has gotten?
Right now, you could have sex with your phone
while you lay down in the backseat of your
self driving car, while your dog
is in the driver's seat wearing sunglasses,
cruising around, just fucking freaking people out.
But, now, we're going to watch this?
And, look, here's the thing:
when I first found out about this,
this is a huge honor to be here.
I love everyone that works at Comedy Central.
As a comedian, this means a lot to someone,
to, like, be on this show, but, like,
my honest-to-God first thought was, like,
oh, yeah, it'll be great to do this taping
because then, I can get a clip up on Instagram.
(audience laughs)
That's what this art form has become,
do you understand that?
No one's even watching specials
unless you're like dragging trans people,
being like, I've got to watch that
because I'm going to need an opinion.
The only thing...
(audience laughs)
That's it, that's honestly it!
And, this is not anti-comedy that I'm doing,
because nothing is more embarrassing than anti-comedy.
That's, like, a comedian that comes up,
who's like, I'm actually cooler than standup.
Oh, cool, guess who else is?
Fucking, everyone.
You can't even admit to yourself
that you want to do the embarrassing job of standup.
That's like the person who wanted to be a singer,
but now they bring, like, their own CD's to karaoke,
like, oh, maybe put this in!
Fucking, admit to yourself, you want to do it.
It breaks my heart, because I love this thing
more than anything, okay, I fly away from
people that I love so I can do this job.
And, Instagram clips, you understand what that means?
That means now, as a comedian,
we are competing against, for your attention,
we're competing against Instagram butt models,
an impossible task!
You're looking at, like, a picture of someone's
open birth canal, like, "Mykonos, take me back!"
(audience laughs)
And, then, it's my fucking well-crafted joke
from eight months, that's what we're competing against?
I do love, though, on the Instagram butt models' posts,
there'll be like 400 horny guys commenting, right,
but then there'll be like, that one, like,
fucking white knight that's going to let her know,
like, he's not like the rest of the guys, right?
So, he'll post something innocuous, like,
"Oh, nice pic, but, actually, like, what book you reading?"
Cool, man, throw her off the send,
let her know that I'm not into her, like,
her boobs' meat, but also, like, her mind's meat.
Or, I don't honestly have a joke for this,
and you shouldn't do this on a taping,
anyone watching, but, like, what's that thing,
where, this is, like, a new thing, where, like,
a new mom with a baby, she'll make an Instagram
for her baby, and then all the captions
are from the baby's point of view?
Who is the...
Why, who is that for?
It's, like, a photo of a baby covered in chocolate,
and it'd be like, "Mom said chocolate was going to
"spoil dinner, good thing I got the ch-"
(audience laughs)
Who, why, which one of you is that for?
I understand- look, fuck-
its deeply sweet, but it's so creepy.
It's the same kind of, like, creepy and sweet
as like, when PornHub, around December,
will upload, like, Christmas themed porn,
and you're like, oh, why, is that for...
Who?
It's like, "Jizz the Season," what?
Who the fuck is that for?
Is anyone in this room, like,
jerking off feels great, but what's the theme?
So, I'll leave you guys on this.
With your guys' help, because that's
what the art form has become,
and, no, I'm not cooler than it,
I respect this more than anything,
I need the perfect Instagram clip,
so, I need you guys' help.
First thing we need is for the camera guy,
you're in the wide, can you frame me with
enough head room so I can put an
embarrassing meme, like, title above me?
It has nothing to do with the joke,
it's just like, "Dat moment your mom
"makes your ex be homework."
And, then, we'll put two very low-res emojis above me.
You couldn't get the rights to this face, so...
And, then, we'll leave some room for some
embarrassing subtitles, because, you know,
nothing's funnier than reading a joke.
I'm not laughing, what's wrong,
oh, what, okay, "dat moment the pussy slaps,"
okay, I'm laughing now.
And, then, I need the joke itself,
it needs to be, like, very broad,
something that anyone could come up with,
like, vegans suck, or gluten free people...
And the visuals of the joke, it needs to
stand out on your scroll,
so I'm going to be very physical.
So, don't be thrown by the fact that
the visuals will have nothing to do
with the joke itself, okay?
And, the last thing I need from you guys,
and, are you on there, does anyone have
a camera facing this way?
Last thing I need from you guys, is,
from the dawn of time, Comedy Central will
always do this one thing, where,
they'll cut to someone who's really enjoying the set.
Right, on the level of, just, like, Tom Cruise,
I have all the Adderall and money in the world,
and the person right next to them
is this guy who's actually sleeping right here.
And, it's, like, why, you guys are here.
Why cut to this guy who's actually sleeping,
and, no, no, no, you, go back to sleep,
I need you, I need you, no, I need you.
Shh, shh, it feels very weird, but
you need to go back to sleep.
So, you go back to sleep, you guys are killing it,
so, the punch line will be, let's see.
"That's like swallowing the needles."
So, when you hear, "That's like swallowing the needles,"
you go crazy, you go back to sleep, okay?
So, remember, physicality not going to match
the joke itself.
(audience laughs)
Thank you, please subscribe.
(audience cheers)