- Um, I grew up in Santa Monica, California.
- [audience light cheers]
- Just one? [laughs]
I grew up in Santa Monica, California,
which is getting a lot of press now, because Stephen--
I went to high school with Stephen Miller.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes.
If you guys don't know who Stephen Miller--
do we know who Stephen Miller is?
Okay, if you don't know who Stephen Miller is,
he is a chief advisor of Donald Trump.
- WOMAN: Euh! - [laughing]
He's a chief advisor of Donald Trump.
He cowrote the Muslim Ban.
And he is the only person that I know who is both
Jewish and loved by Nazis.
- [audience laughing]
- So I went to high school with him.
And this reporter from "The New York Times" hit me up,
and he's like, "Hey, I'm writing a story about Stephen Miller.
Will you talk to me about what he was like in high school?"
And I wrote back, "Hell yeah."
- [audience cheering]
- "Hell yeah, I'll talk to ya about that,
and I'll tell you everything you've ever wanted to know."
And he goes, "Okay, cool. Let's meet up for dinner.
And then let's do an interview."
And I was like, "Great."
And so I showed up for dinner, and he did this little
reporter-y thing where he was like,
"Let's eat dinner first, and then do the interview."
And I was like, "Okay."
And then during dinner, he's just like,
"Hey, Charles, you want another drink?
"Hey, Charles, take another drink.
Another refill on that... Old Fashioned."
- [audience laughing]
- And I'm like, "Dude, you do not have to do this.
"I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to know.
But you know, I want my free drinks."
- [audience laughing]
- So, I'm just taking all these drinks.
And then we finish the dinner.
And he's like, "Okay, first question.
"Was Stephen Miller bullied a lot in high school?
Because he really seems like he was bullied all the time."
And I'm like, "Common misconception."
And this is actually true.
A lot of people ask me that question.
Stephen Miller was never bullied in high school.
Stephen Miller was the bully.
Stephen Miller bullied kids in our school who were
new to this country,
who were learning English as a second language,
which he bullied the kids who are already marginalized
by our society.
And he continues to do that from the White House today!
- [audience cheering]
- And the reporter's eyes get real wide.
And he's like, "Oooh."
He just like scribble, scribble, scribble in his notepad.
Scribbly-scribbly scribbles scribbles.
And he's like, "Man, wow, I just thought he was
like bullied all the time."
And I'm like a little drunk at this point.
so I'm like, "I wish somebody had bullied that guy
"in high school, he's never had any consequences for
"any of his racism in his whole entire life.
"If I could go back in time, I would go back in time,
I'd go up to Stephen Miller on the quad and I'd bully him!"
I'd be like, "Stephen, Stephen! You're a little Stephen!
Stevie Stephen!"
And then I'd make him watch "Moonlight."
- [audience laughing]
- [audience applause]
- And yes, if I'm going back in time,
I'm bringing my copy of "Moonlight," okay?
I don't wanna be in a time where I can't watch that movie.
It's a great movie.
- [audience cheering]
- Uh...
I see the reporter after I say that, his eyes get real wide.
And he's like, "Oooh."
And he's like scribble, scribble, scribble,
scribbly scribble in his little notepad.
And then we talked for like two more hours.
And let me tell you something, I spilled the tea.
- [audience laughing]
- For like three more hours on Stephen Miller.
And at the end of the interview, he goes, "Wow.
You really know a lot about Stephen Miller."
And I go, "Uh, yeah, well...
he was kinda...my friend."
- [audience laughing]
- "He was my friend, but I didn't know what I know now.
"And it was just like I thought he was doing some
"performance art piece.
"And as soon as I realized he's a genuine
"like white supremacist, sociopath,
I stopped being his friend."
And then goes, "Okay." No scribble.
- [audience laughing]
- No scribbly-scribbly-scribbly on the pad.
Three weeks later, the article comes out.
Front page of "The New York Times."
It says, "I spoke to a bunch of Stephen Miller's classmates
"and his friend...
Charles Gould."
- [audience laughing]
- And nothing else.
Nothing else I said the whole entire dinner except
that I'm Stephen Miller's friend.
And I remember I saw that, and I said to myself, "Man,
I gotta start doing standup comedy."
- [audience laughing]
- I gotta get in front of as many people as possible
and tell them I am not Stephen Miller's friend.
- [audience cheering]