(upbeat music)
- Heey! (upbeat music continues)
- Dad, I need $300. (audience laughing)
- I'd like to impart some words that I've always lived by,
More money, More money,
More money. (audience laughing)
(upbeat music continues)
- H-hey, Gee, would you make me a sandwich?
- But, of course. - Oh, good.
(upbeat music) (audience laughing)
- Now, you're a sandwich. (audience laughing)
- I guess weak-willed individuals like you
are just susceptible to that kind of mental manipulation.
(doorbell chiming)
(Uncle Phil barking) (audience laughing)
- Ow, Ashley, are you in love?
- I think so.
I feel like Derek's is the one.
I don't think I'll ever feel this way about anybody else.
- Oh, Ashley, I'm so happy for you.
But, long distance relationships don't usually work out.
I mean, look at the "Little Mermaid?"
(audience laughing)
I mean, she was stuck in the sea and he was stuck on land.
- Uh, b-but they ended up together?
- Yeah, with the help of a lobster.
You know a lobster? (audience laughing)
(audience laughing) Well, What do you know?
It's Uncle cousin, Will. (laughs)
(audience laughing)
Oh, I feel much better.
That was some good tea. (chuckles)
I love you! (audience laughing)
- Hil, Hil, Hilary, come here, come here, come here.
Wait right here.
(Will screaming)
"Use only before bedtime.
Do not operate heavy machinery."
- Good thing we're not on a tractor, huh? (laughs)
(audience laughing)
(Will screaming) (audience laughing)
(Hilary screaming) (audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
Hey, by the way, Uncle Phil,
um, I-I don't remember if I told you or not,
but when I dropped the tape off at the editor,
I just, uh, you know, authorized a few last minute changes.
- You authorized a few chan...
Nobody gave you permission to authorize any changes.
- No, but it's cool, Uncle Phil, you're gonna love it.
Oh, here it come, here comes.
- Hi, I'm Phillip Banks
and I'm running for superior court j-j-judge,
(scratch) j-j-judge. (audience laughing)
(Uncle Phil laughing)
Will, something you have to learn,
(upbeat funky music)
sometimes parents just don't understand.
(upbeat funky music continues)
I mean, everybody makes mistakes with their kids.
The important thing, is to admit when you're wrong
and to apologize.
- How come you don't ever do that?
(audience laughing) - Don't question me.
(audience laughing)
(blow jabs) (audience laughing)
- Ashley, you take out the garbage.
- Why me? - Because I'm bigger than you.
- See, that's not fair.
That's the only 'cause you got them shoelifts in today.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah. Will, you haven't told me about your new place.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Um, you know, I'm, I'm moving as soon,
you know, uh, you know, right now they are
putting a jacuzzi in,
and, uh, they, they getting the mirrors on the roof.
(audience laughing)
- Being black isn't what I'm trying to be, it's what I am.
I'm running the same race
and jumping the same hurdles you are,
so why are you trippin' me up?
(chuckles) You said we need to stick together,
but you don't even know what that means.
If you ask me, you're the real sellout!
(heavy hiphop music)
- Where's Will? (Will screaming)
(audience laughing) - I'm sorry, I'm sorr...
I'm, I'm stupid, I'm stupid,
I'm stupid. (audience laughing)
- Don't worry, Ash, there are plenty of men in the sea.
- You mean, fish in the sea?
- No, I mean men.
Fish don't own yachts. (audience laughing)
- And don't tell us to sit down,
just open that damn cell
and let those two boys out of there,
or I'm gonna tie this place up with so much litigation
that your grandchildren are gonna need lawyers!
(audience applauding)
Courage is being the way you are
no matter what anybody says about you.
Will teases me, but you don't see me going,
"Yo, yo, yo, homie, yo!" (audience laughing)
- I'ma get through college without him,
I'm gonna get a great job without him,
I'ma married me a beautiful honey,
and I'ma having a whole bunch of kids.
I'm gonna be a better father than he ever was.
And I sure as hell, I don't need her for that,
'cause there ain't a damn thing he could ever teach me
about how to love my kids!
(sobs) How comes he don't want me, man?
Just think of it as "Honey's On My Hip," uncle Phil,
you know, it's like, I need to keep in touch
with my squalls, right? (audience laughing)
See, otherwise, you know, they get all frazzled
and frantic and they can't...
(chuckles) You know how it is right, Uncle Phil?
- No, I do not.
- Oh, that's 'cause you only got one squall
and you'll never go nowhere. (laughs)
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- I have a $1000 with your name on it.
Do the family a favor, and get Viv some cooking lessons.
- You! (audience laughing)
- (sobs) So, I grabbed this rock, man,
(audience laughing) and I, I (cries)
Oh, my God, she's still out there!
- Oh, my God! (audience applauding)
- Gotcha! (upbeat music)
(audience applauding) (Will laughing)
- (screams) No! No!
Tell me you didn't? Oh, God!
(upbeat music continues) No! No! No! (cries)
Will, no. Oh, my God, no!
Oh, no! (upbeat music continues)
How could you do that?
Oh, God! (audience applauding)
Oh, God, how could he do that? (upbeat music continues)
How could he do that?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God! (upbeat music continues)