No. Shopping, food.
-Theatre… -Drinks.
-Drinks. -D***
D**** bum sex.
D**** bum sex!
D**** bum sex! D**** d**** bum sex!
We write the power into music.
Let's do it.
Anyway, no, no, no. Dating.
Hi, everyone! It's The Vivienne.
And look who's back!
It's me, the mediocre queen, Cheryl Hole! Yes!
And we are…
Queens who like to watch!
Yeah, we really rehearsed that, didn't we?
Today, divas, we are watching
the brand new dating show Sexy Beasts,
which is obviously a dating show,
but you can't see their faces
because they're under prosthetics
as sexy beasts.
-What she said. -Yeah.
Have you missed me?
I have.
-I'll drink to that. -Cheers, sweetie.
Cheers, thanks a lot.
I am so single I'm dressed as a panda bear
to try to find a connection with somebody.
Oh no, I don't like it. Look at the eyes.
How good are those masks?
What would your mask be?
A f****** star!
Still flogging that dead horse.
Are they on the set of Drag Race UK?
Could you fall in love with someone
based on personality alone?
Ass first, personality second.
That was made before veneers.
Who is coming up with this stuff?
I mean, there's definitely been some…
…going on here.
I do love the panda, though.
I feel like if I could really bond
with someone's personality, their sense of humour,
that could actually be something that sticks
because I'm clearly doing this dating thing all wrong.
But if they're all dead fit underneath it anyway,
it kind of defeats the object.
There's got to be a couple of mingers.
Oh yeah, you got to get to the end and go…
"Oh… Is that it?" Maybe get like a cash prize
and a box of Viagra
just in case they are minging.
Don't try and trigger me with cash prizes.
Girl! You've won more than I have!
Three batches and a crown!
I am ready to find my future husband,
someone who's maybe as fun and klutzy
and goofy as I am.
Are you a goofball?
I am a bit of a goofball.
You a goofball?
I am a bit of a goofball!
We're a couple of goofballs.
Oh, I've missed you.
I'm a bit obsessed already.
Look, I'm very invested already
because I love a production value
and clearly these prosthetics…
Is it "prosthetics"?
Proth-thetics.
The gin's kicked in already, darling!
Prosthetics, dear. Prosthetics.
Pros…
Prosy-thetics.
Pros-the-sis.
We got there in the end.
Put your teeth in, girl.
Done.
…starting with Ethan.
Oh, look at the Tin Man.
Do you think his jaw's like that underneath
and that's why they gave him that mask?
Yeah, he's got a huge jaw.
Like that.
I play underwater hockey,
I free-dive…
Underwater hockey?
Right. I don't know
what the straights get up to these days,
but that's definitely something new, right?
Next up is Tyler, a model.
-Oh, I love that one. -A model.
Hang on, this isn't fair.
Pause it, pause it. This isn't fair. Hang on.
You can see he's got a dead ripped body.
They should have padded the bodies out as well.
-Look-- -Because all the girls
will be like, "Look at the f****** pecs on him!"
It's the tits show.
I like the tits on the head.
See, that could be hiding a huge conehead.
I know what it takes to win. I know who I am.
-And I-- -I don't know like people
when they're, like, do something fun,
-they box, they're like… -Yeah.
Hoping you don't…
Whoa!
Are they his real eyes?
Do his eyes look that close together 'cause of the mask?
I… Right, Viv--
I'm not saying anything else
'cause once his mask comes off,
I'm gonna get cancelled, aren't I?
Weren't you already?
Oh, I'd love a girl that's into Marvel and Star Wars
and could also match me in my Funko Pop! collection.
Oh, he does look fabulous.
He does sound like he's got hay fever.
He's got a Funko Pop! collection.
Viv, how would you describe yourself
if you were on a dating show,
not that you would, you're a married lady.
"Cross-dressing shoplifter looking for a good time."
What about you?
"Gin and Botox, advised."
"6.5 out of 10,
ready to suck you off."
I'm just j…
if I was on the receiving end
of listening to your VT,
I'd think you were bad news.
She's a party girl from Essex.
I'm not a party girl anymore though!
Oh, yeah.
She's been locked up. They won't let me out.
But anyway,
Carousel will now speed date all three boys.
I wish they'd sent them to the cinema
without letting anyone else in the cinema know.
Imagine sitting there,
f****** panda and the alien walked in.
"Shall we go for a drink?"
"What the f***'s going on here?"
Where are you from, Carousel? Don't tell me.
The zoo.
Good one, Dad!
She's too much for me. I can't bear her.
A lot of my friends call me the real life Aquaman.
Aquaman?
I can hold my breath for like four minutes.
He'd be great for Kim Kardashian
now she's single.
When she drops a diamond earring into the sea again,
he could go and find it.
-Ever cheated? -No, never.
Do you have a lot of followers on Instagram?
-No. -Uh, no.
I'm sorry, if anybody cares
about how many followers you have,
-tap out. -Ever have a threesome?
I…
I have kissed multiple girls at the same time.
Why does that alien sound like Michael Jackson?
"I kissed girls at the same time, I'm not gonna lie."
Blanket! Blanket!
Honestly, I'm sure that's Michael Jackson in the mask.
Well, I'm pretty sure
Michael Jackson's not actually dead.
He's not, he's there.
Did you not see the video of him jumping out that car?
-When? -So, the coroner came
and then there's a video
of what looks like Michael Jackson leaving…
-There's not. -…and going into a building.
-Girl, that was Janice. -Janice?
Control!
What have you done For me lately?
This is literally the future!
I'm sorry, I can't get over it.
They literally looked like they were on the main stage.
Do you know what? If I had to get rid of one,
I'd probably get rid of the muscle hunk.
I'd get rid of that panda straight away.
She's like this…
She's picking.
-Oh, she's picking? -Yeah.
We've gotta get rid of the boysies.
Can we not find a new candidate?
'Cause I can't watch a series with her.
She got the shittest outfit as well.
That's why she's fuming.
They went to Primark and went,
what black rollneck can we get?
Who we getting rid of? We're keeping Tin Man.
We're keeping the Taurus Bull.
And we'll get rid of Green Fingers.
But no, because I like the look of his mask.
It's not about the mask, it's about the person.
Good bone structure under there.
See, I'm going for… I'm being shallow already.
You are. You're basing it off appearance,
which is what the mask is for!
-Just take the masks off-- -Close your eyes.
This next round, close your eyes and just listen.
We'll do audio description for you.
Now we're doing The Masked Singer,
Dancer Date and The Voice.
We should pitch that to Netflix.
The Masked Voice Date Thing Show.
We'll workshop the title, Viv.
Stakes could not be higher…
It seems like a lot to come to England
just to use a nice house.
They could do it at that place
where they filmed the G.U.Y. music video,
that castle.
Gorgeous.
…real face.
You have no clue what I'm on about, do you?
-Yeah, the Gaga video? -Yeah.
Just the way you looked at me and went,
"Gorgeous".
I'm just looking at you. I'm just mesmerised.
Ethan, I love how genuine you are.
"Genuine." Is she French now?
Genuine.
Tyler, you are my type to a T.
Look at his smile!
Girl, that wasn't that…
That's a Botox smile, it's so…
I love that you're a nerd.
I wish I could go on a second date with you all.
No, you don't. Why are you lying?
…gonna have to let one of you go.
And that person is…
Ethan.
Yay!
-I'm confused. -I'm not surprised.
F****** dodged a bullet there, lad.
So, he's got the chop?
I was hoping she would eliminate me.
I mean… Where's the button?
Won't be bothered if he's good-looking
because a man that is excited
to not be with me anymore
is not a man I'm attracted to anymore.
I don't think she read the job description.
No, she just wants a bit of d****.
Thanks to some quick work with a can opener,
we can see that he is good-looking.
Viv, when are you gonna take your mask off?
I can't, it's under the epidermis,
so it's been injected in.
Spilt in.
Oh my God! You're so…
How long do you think they waited
for them to take all the prosthetics off?
What better way to encourage panda-alien love
than a romantic date…
-Oh! -…axe throwing?
Throw it here.
That's too much cardio for me.
Aim for the panda!
So, basically, I'm steaming hot right now.
Yeah, okay. Gonna start to add jokes.
She's just perving my head out by the minute.
I brought my homeboy just in case things went south.
Okay, just in case she was ugly.
No! Just in case I got catfished!
Nowadays you don't know.
If that's your worst date story,
someone asked me to pee on them.
If you're into it, go for it.
Are you into… No, we're oversharing.
We should make a bet or something.
I hit the bullseye next throw.
What are the stakes of that?
I might get to take you on another date maybe.
Where you gonna take her? The zoo?
Drop her off at Edinburgh Zoo.
Lock her in.
I fed a tiger the other day.
Was it in captivity?
-Was it? -I just went to the Amazon.
Was it in captivity?
Hansel Cheryl.
Cheryl believes in putting animals in captivity.
It was at a zoo!
Viv just wants me gone.
-No, I'm having a ball. -Bring back beggar.
At the moment, Tyler's my potential husband.
I think he was my type to a T,
but I feel like I'm not getting all of him.
You're throwing us off the scent, you're all over him.
I dunno!
It's like people that have already decided
they want a cheeseburger
when there's a mayo chicken there.
But spend an hour looking through the menu anyway.
What shall I have?
No, you'd decided you want the double ched-bomb.
What's the worst date you've ever been on?
I think the worst date I've ever been on
is one that I didn't even realise was a date.
I thought we were friends.
And then we turned up to this bar and he was like,
"I just bought this bottle of wine."
And I was like, "Lovely! Lovely!"
He's like, "Just bought another bottle."
I was like, "Lovely! I'm getting very drunk."
But lo and behold, he's like,
"Oh no, you've missed the last train.
You're gonna have to come back to mine."
-I was like-- -I think you got kidnapped.
And then he was like… making the move.
I was like, I didn't realise it was going like this.
Two bottles deep and wine,
I was like, d'you know what? Let's just roll with it.
Then I was like, "Actually, I want to go home."
And he was like, "You can't go home."
I hate to break this to you, I think you got kidnapped.
The way… When you put it like that,
I think I actually was!
Oh my God, that's so cute.
The party motivator scene would do numbers
if you brought a pet meerkat.
Yeah, I think…
Oh, look! A meerkat!
Oh my God, they're feeding the meerkats.
She's a lot taller than him.
Oh, he's sat down.
I could never get with anybody shorter than me
because I just find it very uncomfortable being on top.
Why? You a top queen, girl?
I'm not a top queen.
-Are you not? -I get on top.
Oh right, okay. So you're a bottom?
-Viv… -But you get on top?
How long have you known me?
Yeah, but I don't think we've ever had this chat.
So Cheryl's a bottom?
Exclusive.
I'm the top but I bottomed the other day for David.
-What? -I don't know what it is
about this living room that just makes me overshare…
everything.
It's good company, good television
and good drinks, that's what does it to you.
I accept.
There's Cheryl, feeding the tigers.
Breakfast!
If you could be a lion, a tiger or a bear,
which one would you be?
I'd be a bear,
just so I could say, "Hiya, I'm a bear!" every day.
Let me just, like, tidy up my nose.
Look at him trying to drink through that.
Right, this is like drag queens
trying to drink on a night out.
Give the boy a straw!
Reusable.
I'm like, I need to, like, touch you a little bit,
see what the vibes are?
-Excuse me. -She's too much, isn't she?
Has there ever been a dating show
where they've got to the next round and go,
"Actually, I can't stand her."
Yeah, like Dinner Date, ever watched Dinner Date?
That happens quite a lot on there. They're like,
"God, I can't bear him. Hope he doesn't choose me."
I felt a really good connection with Josh today.
You'd feel a good connection with a tree, love.
She's just looking in the mirror.
"Oh, I've got a great connection with you."
I'm not playing around, my future husband is here.
All she's done is talk about getting married, wrong show!
Why doesn't she go on Married at First Sight?
Say yes to the dress.
Will she go for wild and crazy?
Girl, you'd better be a lot 'cause I want a lot!
Or safe and sensible?
-You have life insurance? -Yeah.
Okay.
I'm not gonna lie, Viv,
out of these two,
I'm going with Mr Bull.
I, um… I think we'd have a laugh.
But the thing is, you could tell he let his guard down
from the get-go.
He jumped over the… What?
Have I just changed?
I said I'll go with him because we'd have a laugh.
-You-- -And not the guy
with the obviously nice body under there.
Thank you Netflix for changing The Vivienne.
This show is working, oo-er!
She's such a shallow b**** that I think
she's gonna go with the alien
because she could see the Titicacas
out of his little roll-neck.
I think she'd pick herself if she had the opportunity.
I don't know whether it's the mask or the hair
or the bowl or the nose,
but it's doing something so strange to his face.
Well, he's got no forehead.
His forehead's been taken away.
But I've got good eyebrows underneath all this.
The eyes are all like…
You can't move your forehead.
What forehead?
I just want the reveal, that's all I want.
Bring it on.
Hey, guys!
See, even the alien mask is still quite sexy,
then he's sat there as a bull like that.
My sexy beast
and future husband is…
Tyler.
Let's go!
Look, we all saw it.
The writing was on the wall.
She was gonna pick him.
Yeah, but there might be a big gag.
We all think he's a sexy alien at this point.
Till that mask comes off, it's anyone's game, innit?
-Yeah, exactly. -And what's stopping her?
If he's a minger under that,
she'll just f****** go
to the thing at the end of the day,
that's a wrap everyone, well done.
She'll just get in his car and go back to the hotel.
When's the wedding?
The poor Taurus is still sat there watching them.
-What? -Looks like Rebecca More!
Well, I wasn't expecting that.
I was getting brunette vibes from her.
See, I was getting blonde.
-I would. -I wasn't expecting that.
Sadly, Carousel has blown her chance
of dating a real-life Clark Kent.
The glasses made it.
He needs a couple of eye drops, though.
Yeah.
Prosthetics done wonders for him.
I could see into the eyes of the panda mask
that she was gonna be an attractive girl.
I don't know why I wanna cry.
It's hard because it's like I came here for love.
She wants his d**** now?
-Why is she crying? -You've had your chance.
Get a grip, sweetie!
If she's crying over a f****** bull,
imagine her trying to make life-changing decisions.
He's got a much softer face than what I thought.
Know what I mean?
It was like the angles of the prosthetic.
Yeah, I thought he was gonna be dead chiselled.
Was I what you were expecting?
Better than I expected.
He doesn't seem as much as a d****
without the prosthetics on.
It's like us in drag.
Awkward and…
-He was just in drag. -Well, that's it, yeah.
-Billy Big Bollocks. -Took his armour off.
I think the mask off was…
heaven,
and a little bit of a kiss, that was heaven too.
She's getting rattled tonight.
Just leave the bottle of poppers on the sofa.
She's not gonna wait for the hotel,
find the nearest bush.
You know on Naked Attraction
when they f***
the night after the day?
That's what's gonna happen now.
Yeah, never see each other again.
Yeah, one month later. Yeah.
What a waste of proth-thetics.
Proth-thetics!
I'm ready to mingle.
Oh my God! I want that one!
If he doesn't like me for me, it's not worth it.
That is amazing.
These… this make-up is fantastic.
I'm actually quite into it.
I think it's a really good show.
I love anything that's got like a gag and a reveal.
-Yeah. -And whatever.
Because you're invested,
you wanna know what happens.
Keeps you right till the end.
Well, there's stakes to play for.
If I were single,
I would 100% go on this just for banter.
I don't think I'd ever go on it.
So it's a guessing game,
there's a good reveal in it,
it's a dating show,
all rolled into one.
It's a winner.
You just loved slagging the girl off.
Yeah, and I'd stand by that, she was a knobhead.
Carousel?
If she was born in the UK,
she'd be called Merry-Go-Round.
You f****** idiot.
I love you.
Well, there we have it, Sexy Beast.
It's a big thumbs-up from me. What about you?
I'd give two thumbs-up from Chezzy.
So I've been The Vivienne…
And I've been Cheryl Hole.
Don't forget to catch me next time,
and who will be on the couch?
Not you! Bye!
Bye!
You sounded like Basil Brush then.