Hey there, this is clay with modern love dot a life. And in this video, we are going to be
talking about why your ex doesn't contact you. This is really confusing for a lot of people,
especially if you've been following the, you know, just trust the plan, turn your brain off. Do no
contact just trusted. It works 100% of the time I eat. No it doesn't. It's sort of methodology
with all of this, but, uh, really what's what's going on here? Why does your ex not contact you?
You know, you're playing all these mind game things that other people are telling you to do.
Um, how come they're not crawling over these broken shards of glass
to, to beg for you to get back together and all of that, what is going on? And the truth is,
is that it's never that simple. You know, if you've watched other videos on this channel,
you know, that it's never that simple, you know, that one size fits all advice, doesn't work.
That every situation is unique, that every breakup is unique, that every, you know,
personality is unique. And obviously what is going to be the path that brings you and your partner
back together is probably going to be different than what may work for someone who's giving out
advice to, you know, middle school kids about mind games and jealousy and all that stuff.
Um, and anyway, that being said, let's go ahead and get into this video here. Basically,
your ex isn't contacting you, even though they may want to, even though they may feel a lot of
things for you, because there are a few forces that are keeping them locked in place. We talked
about this in the previous video, but you know, they may feel this sense of stubbornness. Like
they have to behave consistently previous actions that they can't admit that they're wrong, right.
That they have to say, okay, I broke up with you. Now. I have to just sort of like blindly
barrel forward with my life. I can't admit that I was wrong. I can't admit that I miss that. I
miss you. I can't admit that. Maybe I'm having second thoughts. I can admit that maybe this is
hard for me. I can't admit all of that stuff because, you know, Hey, here I am on Facebook
posting all of these selfies with my new rebound partner, with my amazing, wonderful, perfect
life and all of that stuff. And I can't let the cracks in the facade start to show that, Hey,
maybe I'm actually a shocking human being here. Um, who's having mixed feelings and confusion
and doubts about my choices in life and all that stuff. And so they may, uh, just sort of like,
feel like they've painted themselves into a corner and like, they can't get out of it.
This is, this is actually really common. This is why it's important for us to, you know,
build golden bridges. You know, that's a, that's a technique that we have inside of our effortless
connection course called golden bridges. When it does come to situations like this, we want
to create the context within our relationship that it's okay to change your mind. It's okay
to make mistakes, to okay, to have perfectly human, normal emotions. Um, we don't have to be
these like, you know, stubborn jerks that just make some sort of decision and then never, ever,
ever, ever, ever change our mind, obviously that is not a healthy relationship habit. And
it is not something that we should try to embody ourselves. Um, and so why not start to build an
actual, healthy relationship habits from the very beginning? Um, obviously some of these might
include things like, Hey, it's okay to be wrong. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to change
your mind about things. If you're going to be in a relationship with someone for a long period of
Time, spoiler alert, you
May make a mistake. You may have to change your mind about something. And you may
have to admit that you were wrong about something. Let's start making it okay.
For that to be the case, both for you and for your partner right now, rather than just, you know,
Going to this fantasy
That it's okay to always be right. And you should never, ever, ever admit that you're wrong. Anyway,
that's, that's a, that's a whole side note, but yeah, that, that's one reason why your
ex may not contact you is because you haven't created this context, this culture that it's
okay to change your mind. It's okay to start doing that sort of stuff. So, you know, put
golden bridges into these sorts of things. As you start moving forward. Another reason why your
ex may not contact you is because they don't know what this means. There's a very unclear
way for us to actually, uh, fit into each other's lives. After we break up with someone,
You know, we have clear
Roles for a lot of different hats that we wear in life. Like when we have a child where like,
okay, I'm going to be loving and supportive towards you, whatever that means for you,
it's up for debate. Um, or when you get into a relationship with someone, you just say like,
okay, yeah, I'm going to like really care for you. And I'm going to love you and I'm going to nurture
you and I'm going to do the right things. But when you get married, you're like, yeah,
I'm gonna, you know, do the right thing, uh, to be a great husband or a wife or whatever. Um,
but when it comes to breakups, it's often not very
clear. Yes. There are movies and TV shows that tell us that we're supposed to hate
our exes because they're terrible, awful people that cheat on us and all that stuff.
Um, and, and, and, and maybe that happened between you and your ex. I don't know.
Um, but many times people break up and it's like, okay, well, my ex isn't this terrible,
awful person. They're not a, some sort of, you know, uh, psychotic narcissist. That's,
that's gonna shoot on us all the time. So what are we supposed to do? Like, uh, am
I supposed to hate your guts? Anyway? I don't know. There were kind of off the rails here.
Um, you seem like a nice person, but we just were incompatible for some reason. So
should we just like, not talk to one another, like what movies and TV shows tell us to do,
or should we be actually reasonable human beings and be in contact? But if we are, what does that
mean? Does that mean we're getting back together? Does that mean that I'm giving you false hope?
I don't want to think of that. I'm the kind of person that's going to give you false hope. Does
that make me a bad person? I don't know. And so oftentimes these sorts of dialogues go on in your
ex's mind and they end up talking themselves out of all of this. And so many times when people feel
overwhelmed with things like this, they end up staying still and playing it safe
by just saying like, okay, this is kind of overwhelming. This is confusing. I'm just gonna,
you know, not make a decision today. And I'm just going to not be in contact with you today.
And then, you know, today turns into tomorrow and tomorrow turns into the day after that. And
then it turns into the next week and then turns to the next month and all of that,
by the way, if you like this video, please make sure that you hit the thumbs up
button for this video, because it does help us out with the YouTube algorithm.
Um, you know, YouTube takes interactions on videos, like thumbs up and comments and
things like that. And it says, Hey, this is a pretty good video. Maybe I want to share this
with more people, rather than, you know, these reverse psychology BS videos out there. So if
you are finding this helpful help a guy out, yeah, because YouTube channel hit that thumbs up button.
So what we want to do is we want to create an agreement between us and our ex that's basically
going to say, Hey, this is how we can actually fit into each other's lives. Right. Rather
than just having this sort of like, Hey, this is confusing. No, w w what are we supposed to do? Uh,
let's figure this out on our own kind of thing. It's like, okay, Hey, I know it's confusing.
I know it's, it's unclear how we're supposed to fit into each other's lives, but you know what?
I think you're an all right person. And I think you probably would agree that I'm an okay person
as well, too. Yeah, we're, we're, we're maybe not the best together, but why don't we just
figure this out together? Why don't we just somehow figure out how we can fit into each
other's lives? And if things ever seem a little bit weird or awkward or overwhelming, or it
seems like we're getting in over our heads, or there's too much pressure or something like that,
just let me know. And we'll slow things down, um, or where we can just, you know,
recalibrate and just do whatever we need to do moving forward. And likewise, if I ever
feel that way, I'll just tap you on the shoulder and we'll figure this out as well too. Does that
sound like something that we can agree to? So if you put this in place that can actually help to
create a good dynamic between you and your ex some sort of actual agreement for how the two of you
can actually relate to one another so that it's not just, well, you know, golly movie says that
I should hate your guts, but this person who's posturing on Instagram says that your ex is trash.
And maybe I should think that way too, right? Instead of that, you can actually create an
agreement between one another on how to relate to one another, and this can be super helpful,
actually. And then the next thing you also want to do is drop the pressure and expectation.
There's so much pressure and expectation between the two of you, uh, primarily because the two
of you obviously used to be in a romantic relationship. And so you're accustomed to
seeing each other in a romantic sort of way. If we drop the pressure and drop the expectation,
then, um, your ex is actually gonna have a much lower barrier to getting in contact with you.
Because if they're thinking like, Oh my goodness, like, are we dating? Is, do they think that we're
dating? Like, am I ready today? Do, how do I feel about this? Do I want to get back together?
I don't know they're going to work themselves up and they're going to
stop themselves from interacting with you. So if we can drop that pressure
down by just letting them know, Hey, you know, let's not force anything. That's not there.
Let's just be friends for now. And let's just enjoy connecting with one another in the moment
and we'll figure out everything else as we go along. Does that sound like that works for you?
That is probably the best way to go about dropping pressure and expectation. I've talked about this
many times before you don't need to worry about the friend zone. So don't worry about the whole,
like, let's just be friends for now thing. Um, it's totally fine. Uh, your ex is probably never
going to actually see you as just a friend, but they just need something to tell themselves.
It's going to give them permission to spend time with you when they start asking these questions.
And if they have this answer already in their mind, that says, Oh, we're just friends.
Yeah. That explains why our texting that explains our meeting up. That explains why we're spending
time together. Um, then they're going to give themselves permission to actually do that.
And of course the more that the two of you actually connect and bond and get closer together,
the more of an emotional foundation that's going to build up beneath the two of you
that they're actually going to start to realize that, Hey, in our own way, we were dating this
whole time. Anyway. Um, if you found this helpful, if you do want to put into place, some of these
things that we've talked about, like the same team conversation and all of that decreasing pressure,
you might be interested in our course called effortless connection. It's over@modernlove.life
slash E C E as in effortless, C as in connection. See what I did there. So it's modern
love.life/isi. Also find the link down in the description below this video, but anyway, thank
you so much. Please take care of hit that thumbs up button, and I will talk to you next time.