The big story today, like every day before it,
stretching as far back as I can remember, is Brett Kavanaugh,
Supreme Court nominee
and the Brettiest guy to ever be named "Brett."
Honestly, it feels like at this point,
we've all received lifetime appointments to the story.
Every day, there are more developments,
including this bombshell,
which Kavanaugh hopes will prove his innocence.
MAN: In an attempt to prove
he wasn't at that party with Blasey Ford,
Kavanaugh's lawyers are releasing excerpts
of his high school calendar to the judiciary committee.
Details from the summer of 1982, obtained by USA TODAY,
they show chores, trips out of town and social events.
Blasey Ford's name isn't mentioned.
But she has said she didn't know Kavanaugh well
at the time of the alleged encounter.
Okay, first of all, the only thing this proves
is how badly people needed iPhones in 1982.
(laughter)
Honestly, I was born in 1984,
and I don't even know what to do with these things.
I don't know how it works. It's just like,
(loudly): Is it going to rain today?
Is it gonna rain?
Useless. Useless.
(applause)
Anyway... everyone...
Everyone's been searching through this calendar
for clues about Brett Kavanaugh's life.
For instance, it turns out this guy got grounded a lot.
(laughter)
And I can only assume for going to church too much.
Yeah. I mean, save some church for the rest of us. Am I right?
And some people... some people are speculating
that "Go to Timmy's for skis"
in his calendar might be slang for brewskies.
Yes, and I don't speak douchebag,
but I'm told that means beers. Yeah.
Oh, and then I saw on July 8, he had an entry that read,
"Had an appointment with Dr. Strawberry."
Yes, which I think is safe to assume was an acid trip,
'cause I can't imagine going to a doctor named Dr. Strawberry.
Like, "Give it to me straight, Dr. Strawberry.
Is it cancer?"
Like, everything in this calendar is suspicious.
Like-like here on June 16,
it says he went to see the movie Grease 2.
And that must be code for something,
because nobody saw Grease 2.
(laughter)
Yeah, that movie was so bad, John Travolta turned it down.
Do you know how bad a movie has it to be
for John Travolta to turn it down?
That dude did all three talking baby movies, all three,
the third of which was talking dogs.
That's how bad Grease 2 was. Yeah.
But Brett Kavanaugh wishes
his calendar was the biggest news of the day,
because this morning, a third woman came forward
with new and disturbing allegations
from Brett Kavanaugh's past.
The woman says in a sworn affidavit that in high school,
Kavanaugh and others groped women at parties,
spiked their drinks
and then lined up outside their door to take turns raping them.
Yeah. And honestly, this...
Like this one is so awful,
it's hard to even know how to process it.
Like, I don't think
anyone really knows how to process this.
Like, the Republicans certainly don't know what to do.
Part of me thinks they're just gonna show up tomorrow
with a different middle-aged white guy
and hope nobody notices.
Just gonna be like, "All right, we ready to confirm
Stephen Johnson to the Supreme Court?"
And we'll be like, "What happened to Brett?"
And they'll be like, "Who's Brett?
Was he in Grease 2?"
But as of now, even with all this new stuff,
believe it or not, they're still planning on going ahead
with a hearing tomorrow
to hear testimony from Kavanaugh's original accuser,
Christine Blasey Ford.
And to their credit, the Republicans have realized
that 11 men questioning a woman about sexual assault
is not a good look.
Which is why they've brought in a pro.
NEWSMAN: Republicans on the Senate Judiciary Committee,
all of whom are men, outsourced the questioning
for Thursday's hearing to a woman outside counsel.
The lawyer who will be doing the questioning,
veteran Arizona sex crimes prosecutor Rachel Mitchell.
NEWSWOMAN: Republican Bob Corker says GOP senators
on the committee need to protect themselves...
from themselves.
Inadvertently, somebody will do something that's insensitive.
Um, I would not be wanting to ask questions
about something like this.
Wow. Kudos to the Republicans.
They're like, "You know how we are with women.
We-we can't... we can't...
we can't, we can't do this. Like, we know, we know.
Yeah. So kudos to them. They're getting a woman
who's sensitive to these issues
to question Christine Blasey Ford.
And some people may not like this,
but I think it's way better than their original plan,
which was just Mitch McConnell pulling a Mrs. Doubtfire.
(like Doubtfire): Oh, as a fellow woman,
I think you're lying!