♪♪
-I think you know what time it is.
[ Laughter ]
Our writer, Ben Warheit, wrote a piece on the McRib,
a sketch in which he referred to it as a seasonal menu item.
Someone wrote, "The McRib isn't seasonal.
Seasonal would mean that it comes out
every year for the same season,
but its availability isn't determined by season,
and McDonald's has gone several years
in-between releases."
I knew that.
I knew that when I read Ben's first draft,
but I did not want to interfere with his piece.
I...
I think this says something about me as a boss,
but I almost never
give notes on my writer's pieces.
I don't like to interfere with their vision.
And I think the reason I don't do that can be summed up
in one word, which is apathy.
[ Laughter ]
I said "inkblot tests."
One of you told me inkblot tests
are also known as Rorschach tests.
And this is interesting.
Rorschach tests are also known as inkblot tests.
So I guess we've reached an impasse.
[ Laughter ]
Talked about how we're gonna write a song about the jackals,
a "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" type song,
about, you know, grown-ass online correction jackals.
Zeroes in a half shell.
Chuck Lorre --
We talked about the fact, Chuck Lorre,
who created "Big Bang Theory," wrote the
"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle" theme song,
but the "Big Bang Theory" song was written by
Barenaked Ladies.
Yeah. Written and performed by Barenaked Ladies.
Chuck Lorre was paid $2,000
to record "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles."
Barenaked Ladies were paid a million dollars.
And I guess as soon as they were paid
the million dollars, they spent it immediately.
It was almost like they had a list of things they would do
if they had that much money.
[ Laughter ]
They bought John Merrick's remains, Baze.
[ Laughter ]
I think I finally figured it out.
If he's an Italian artist, it's "Meekelangelo."
If he's a turtle, he's "Michael-angelo."
If he's a magician, he's Mike Angel.
[ Laughter ]
This is just one of my celebrity stories
within the body of "Corrections."
I met Criss Angel, Mindfreak.
I met him at a rooftop pool party in Las Vegas,
i.e., his natural habitat.
[ Laughter ] And I, at the party,
I was just going around to groups of people
and I was just doing stand-up at them.
I was just performing stand-up at people
who were just trying to be at a party.
No, wait. I got that wrong.
He was doing magic.
[ Laughter ]
And Criss Angel, Mindfreak,
came up to me with a deck of cards, and I took a card --
you know, 9 of diamonds -- put it back in,
and then he's doing the start of the trick.
And then, this group of beautiful women
enters the party, and Criss Angel, Mindfreak,
sees them and just walks away from me.
Mid-trick.
Did not finish the trick.
And then, later, I walked over to him
while he was doing -- doing it to someone else,
and I said, "Hey, you know, Criss Angel, Mindfreak,
are you gonna ever finish?" and he did this to me.
This is what a magician did to me when I asked him
just to show me my card. He went, "Be patient."
And that's the last time I ever saw...
That's the Mindfreak.
There's no end to the trick.
Someone said, which is some real --
I think some parts of the world,
they pronounce things differently,
that sloth is pronounced "slowth."
I mean, come on, right?
I'm not gonna start saying "slowth."
I would never remember it.
That sloth rhymes with "slow."
I mean, if there was a mnemonic device of some kind.
[ Laughter ]
I talked about watching...
our "slow-th" -- sloth, Serenity, drive away
the last time she was here and that she was driving,
and I mimed the steering wheel like this,
and you all pointed out that it would have been like this.
Because she's a two-fingered sloth.
But it definitely was this.
And at this point, I'm starting to think this whole time
it was a guy in a sloth suit, in which case
I'm totally fine that we had him here.
I said sloths were becoming a leitmotif for "Corrections,"
and I was told that leitmotif is only true for music.
But to me, this is music.
[ Laughter ]
Every now and then, some people say some things
that are not corrections but rather just cruel comments.
I wore this hat last week.
I put this on, and someone said
that I looked like "a grown, old, worn-out Ash Ketchum."
[ Laughter ]
Okay. So, you, like me, didn't know who that was.
There you go.
[ Laughter ]
I'm just gonna go come around and say, that's a fair hit.
[ Laughter ]
Someone else said --
talking about the length of "Corrections,"
maybe it's getting a little long.
Someone said, "I put this on, fell asleep,
and dude was still going."
[ Laughter ]
Well, to you, I'd just like to say, "Good morning."
[ Laughter ]
I was talking about how people --
I don't understand why people choose to watch this
if they don't like it,
because there's such a wealth of options on YouTube.
And I -- I basically --
I said something along the lines of, "Are you the kind of person,
when you walk into a grocery store,
you just buy the first thing you see?
You just go and take the tuna fish?"
and, boy, oh, boy, you all jumped on that and said,
"The fact -- This proves --
This proves that you are a disconnected elite
that you think you can walk into a grocery store
and the first thing you see is tuna fish.
Someone who shops for their own groceries
would know, when you walk in, it's produce.
That's the first thing you see.
Well, I would just like to tell you that I shop
for my groceries. Like everybody else.
I just use the VIP entrance
that opens right into seafood.
[ Laughter ]
I said a dog house -- I corrected myself --
a dog house couldn't be hit by a meteorite
because it's only a meteorite once it hits the ground.
It would've been hit by a meteor.
One of you very helpfully pointed out, if it bounced,
it's a meteorite.
Meteor, meteorite, dog house -- boom.
Take it back.
I said "Lego blocks" again instead of "Lego bricks."
This is the mistake I've maybe made the most often.
At this point, I'm starting to think
the reason is, I don't give a [bleep]
[ Laughter ]
I said about Wally, "We're not trying to create
another Frankenstein."
And -- biggest correction of the week --
how many of you said, "It's Frankenstein's monster."
Well, I was actually doing something --
I was giving all of you, collectively,
What's known as the Jackal Briggs personality test.
[ Laughter ]
Where the person says "Frankenstein"
and waits to see how many people say,
"Uh, actually, it's Frankenstein's monster."
And when they do that, you know they have a bad personality.
[ Laughter ]
I was talking about Shoemaker.
Shoemaker, not here. Still out.
Hoping to have him back for next week's "Corrections."
Fingers crossed.
Shoemaker is recovering from a surgery.
We're a little worried because he told us
he was recovering from the Ritz-Carlton
in Puerto Rico.
And, also, our accountant called
and said, "There's something -- There's some irregularities
with the show's budget," so...
He's been Zooming in. He looks great.
Like, tanner than I've ever seen him, happy.
Keeps saying --
He's, like, drinking from -- He's got the umbrellas
in his drinks, and he says it's medicine.
[ Laughter ]
So I was talking about Shoemaker,
and some of you said, "Why is he not at work?
Because it doesn't seem like he has a job
where he needs two legs."
And I said, "It's true -- you never see him
running down the hallway, like Holly Hunter,"
which was a reference to "Broadcast News."
And then I caught myself --
in the moment -- and said, "Joan Cusack,"
because I had mis-remembered it, and then I caught it
in the moment.
It was pretty impressive.
And let's just -- I just want to show you
a clip of that moment
so you can see how quickly I caught it.
I don't think any of us can remember a time where,
like, Shoemaker was doing the Holly Hunter
run down the hallway, like, "The tapes!"
[ Laughter ]
Oh [bleep] It was Joan Cusack.
-Ooh. -Caught it.
Pretty fast catch.
One of you, in the comments section,
wrote, "It wasn't Holly Hunter. It was Joan Cusack."
Then you followed it up with, "Never mind. You caught it."
[ Laughter ]
What did you do?
[ Laughter ]
Did you stop it after I made the mistake,
or did, in that seven seconds,
did you jackal-paw out your correction?
Now let me just say...
I tip my cap, which I'm told is this...
to the fact that you're owning up to your mistake.
But, my God, the speed you people want to be right.
[ Laughter ]
All right.
We talked about E.B. White's classic book, "Stuart Little."
I mentioned that one of the many weird details in the movie
is that Stuart, the mouse, is born --
Sorry. One of the weird details in the book --
this is an important clarification -- in the book
is that Stuart the mouse is born to adult parents.
Many of you jumped in saying the Littles adopted Stuart,
which is what they did in the movie.
And when you, as a jackal,
correct someone with a movie fact
when they're, in fact, talking about the book,
you played yourself.
Here's an amazing fact, though. Do you know who wrote
the screenplay for "Stuart Little"?
M. Night Shyamalan.
That is true. How about --
How is that for a twist?
[ Laughter ]
And he changed two -- two major changes from the book
to the movie in the M. Night screenplay.
One is that Stuart was not born
to the Littles. He was adopted.
And, two, at the end of the movie --
this is not in the book --
at the end of the movie, the dad,
Frederick Little, says to his son,
"Isn't it weird that everyone
is cool with the fact that we have a mouse for a child?"
and Stuart says, "That's because you've been dead for 10 years."
[ Laughter ]
Some of you said that I, by talking about
the ending of the book, I ruined the ending
of "Stuart Little." That's not possible
because there is no ending to "Stuart Little."
Just peters off.
I told the story about how I wrote some extra lines
in my head to my children about how Stuart, at the end,
found Margalo, the bird, he was looking for in the book.
And now this is maybe the best correction I've ever seen.
You guys...
Someone wrote to us on Facebook.
And this is a true story -- they sent -- they sent stuff.
Hold on.
This was Andrew Frischman. Thank you so much
for doing this. I hope you're not catfishing us.
I hope this is a real story.
He wrote, "In 1953 --"
And, again, my whole issue
with "Stuart Little," which was a book I loved,
my kids loved, is, at the end of the book,
just sort of -- there's no ending.
"In 1953, my mother, Kay Berthold,
was about to turn 10 years old
when she read 'Stuart Little,' by E.B. White,
and like Seth's children, she was upset by the ending.
So she wrote a letter to E.B. White,
and E.B. White wrote her back.
Her letter said, 'Dear Mr. White,
I love "Stuart Little," but I don't like the ending
because I don't know whether he's going to get there or not.
Kay Berthold.' And E.B. White's --"
And that's -- by the way, he sent us this.
There you go.
That's what that looked like in 1953.
"And E.B. White wrote back March 23, 1953,
and wrote, 'Dear Kay,
Thanks for your letter about "Stuart Little."
Sorry the end doesn't sound right to you.
It's too late to change it now, even if I wanted to,
and I don't. All I can tell you is that
Stuart was driving in a good car, loved to travel,
and was headed in the right direction.
I think it's a fine thing to be headed in the right direction
whether you find what you're looking for or not.
Sincerely, E.B. White.'"
Which is very beautiful.
And I read that and was deeply moved,
and I immediately knew the mistake
I had made in being critical of Mr. White's amazing work.
But then I read on, and Andrew added,
"So my correction is that even as Seth was trying
to make the book more palatable to his children,
Seth, in fact, ruined the author's very clear,
explicit intention to teach a broader life lesson.
While I'm sure that Seth's book is destined to become a classic,
it seems that Seth would be best off
leaving the endings of books like 'Stuart Little'
to the original authors."
Okay.
[ Laughter ]
Little much.
[ Laughter ]
I do, though -- I have a book coming out,
"I'm Not Scared, You're Scared."
And this is very exciting.
I talked to the publishers.
And we are going to release two different versions of it.
There's the original version, which is the version I wrote.
And then there's going to be an E.B. White version,
which is the same version,
but we're going to rip the last three pages out of it.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, this is an amazing letter.
It's so amazing. Thank you so much
for sending it. And thank you, also,
for sending --
This was cool -- because this is obviously a photocopy.
But he sent us...
There was another... You guys see this?
Which said, "Dear Kay,
I wanted to follow up with one more thought.
People who say, 'Actually, it's Frankenstein's monster,'
are huge ass [bleep]."
[ Laughter ]
"Sincerely, E.B. White.
P.S., Isn't it [bleep] up
that two humans had a kid mouse?"
[ Laughter ]
You can tell it's -- Look.
You can tell, it's -- yeah, it's the day after.
And that's obviously an old letter.
Look at these -- this discoloration.
[ Laughter ]
That's something that only happens in time.
[ Laughter ]
I feel -- felt like we went a little quicker today.
I think that's good. I think we're all just, like,
very excited for Shoemaker to come back.
Um, uh...
Went over everything we had.
And...
Oh [bleep] Criss Angel.