AWESOME. ♪
♪
[APPLAUSE]
>> HELLO, AMERICA.
HI, GIRL.
I’M JIMMY -- THE KING OF LATE
NIGHT IS OFF SO INSTEAD YOU GET
THE RODNEY KING.
GOOD START.
TOO SOON, IT WAS 1992, YOU GUYS.
THANK YOU.
>> I GET BEAT UP A LOT ON THE
SHOW FOR ALWAYS MENTIONING THAT
I’M A FORMER NEW YORK CITY CAB
DRIVER BUT I’VE HAD SOME PRETTY
COOL EXPERIENCES BEHIND THE
WHEEL.
I ONCE GOT AL PACINO, BECAUSE HE
GOT IN, AND I WAS LIKE, ALPENA,
AND HE GOES, MY GOD, A WHITE CAB
DRIVER.
WHAT ARE THE ODDS? I HAVE HAD A TONS OF CELEBS IN
I HAVE HAD A TONS OF CELEBS IN
MY TAXI ALTHOUGH I NEVER DROVE
GUTFELD.
I NEVER PICKED UP PRINCE HARRY
OR MEGHAN MARKLE.
ALTHOUGH IT’S WORTH NOTING THAT
MY HIGH-SPEED CHASE HAPPENED
WHEN I WAS ON FOOT BUT THE POINT
IS THE POINT.
GROWING UP I FELT BAD FOR BEING
A GUY WITH A C-CUP BOOPIES BUT I
WISH I HAD THEM NOW I COULD GET
A BUD LIGHT INTO THEM.
[APPLAUSE]
JIMMY.
YOU KNOW, WE MAKE FUN OF
MULVANEY BUT THE TRUTH IS I
WOULD RATHER WATCH 10 HOURS OF HIM PRETENDING TO BE A WOMAN
HIM PRETENDING TO BE A WOMAN
THAN SIT THROUGH ANOTHER SECOND
OF HARRY AND MEGAN SAPLING THEY
ARE VICTIMS.
70% OF PEOPLE ARE LIVING
PAYCHECK-TO-PAYCHECK, SAYING
IT’S REALLY HARD THE BE ROYALTY.
THEY WOULD VISIT A STARVING
VILLAGE IN AFRICA AND COMPLAIN
ABOUT HOW FULL THEY WERE FROM
THE BREAKFAST THAT THEY ATE AT
THE HOTEL.
OH, I’M SO BLOATED.
ANYWAY.
OF COURSE, THE ONLY THING HARRY
AND MEGHAN ARE STARVING FOR
THESE DAYS IS ATTENTION.
THEY WERE FORCED TO COME UP WITH
A HIGH-SPEED CHASE THAT DIDN’T
PASS THE SNIFF SMELL OF ANYONE
IN TOWN.
NOT EVEN ON THE VIEW.
NOW TO RECAP, ON TUESDAY NIGHT,
HARRY AND MEGHAN ATTENDED A
RITZY EVENT WHERE MEGHAN
RECEIVED THE WOMEN OF VISION
AWARD.
FOR THAT TIME SHE LOOKED AT THE
ROYAL FAMILY AND HAD A VISION OF
BEEN OHNO.
BUT AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THE
PHOTOS HE ROCKED A PRETTY BASIC
SUIT AND LIKE ALL PEOPLE WHO
DON’T WANT THE PUBLIC LOOKING AT
THEM MEGHAN WORE A GOLD DRESS
AND A TINY MATCHING PURSE THAT
SHE HOLDS HARRY’S BALLS IN.
[APPLAUSE]
>> NOW, ACCORDING TO THEIR
PUBLICIST, THEY LEFT THE EVENT
AT 9:50 P.M., AT WHICH POINT THE
WAITING PAPARAZZI SUBJECTED THEM
TO A "RELENTLESS PURSUIT"
LASTING OVER TWO HOURS RESULTING
IN NEAR MULTIPLE COLLISIONS WITH
OTHER FOLKS ON THE ROAD.
FOLKS, THIS SUPPOSEDLY HAPPENED
IN NEW YORK CITY.
TAKE FROM IT A FORMER CAB
DRIVER, NEW YORK CITY TRAFFIC
MOVES SLOWER THAN A CONVERSATION
BETWEEN THESE TWO.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
REALLY THINK ABOUT THIS FOR A
SECOND.
NEW YORK IS THE ONLY CITY IN THE
WORLD WHERE BANK ROBBERS FLEE ON
FOOT.
[LAUGHTER]
>> YOU HAVE NEVER TURNED ON THE
NEWS AND SEE A HIGH SPEED BANK
GETAWAY BECAUSE IT CAN’T HAPPEN.
GUY, I GOT THE MONEY, WHERE ARE
YOU?
I COULDN’T GET A SPOT, SORRY.
THERE WAS A DETAIL WITH CNN
SAYING THEY WERE BLOWING RED
LIGHTS, SAYING, I HAVE NEVER
SEEN OR EXPERIENCED ANYTHING
LIKE THIS.
NOW, I DO BELIEVE HIM WHEN HE
SAYS HE’S NEVER SEEN ANYTHING
LIKE IT BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE
NYPD IT DIDN’T HAPPEN.
A POLICE SOURCE TOLD "THE NEW
YORK POST" AT NO TIME WAS THERE
A HIGH-SPEED CHASE.
THERE WERE NO COLLISION REPORTS
OR 911 CALLS AND THE CHASE
DEFINITELY WASN’T TWO HOURS,
MEANING HIS STORY ABOUT A HIGH
SPEED CAR CHASE HAS MORE HOLES
THAN AN EPSTEIN STORY.
LAY OFF PRINCE HARRY.
HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A PROM DATE
LINED UP.
WE DIDN’T NEED THE COPS TO TELL
US THIS SORE WAS FAKE BECAUSE
THE LACK OF VIDEO EVIDENCE TOLD
US EVERYTHING WE NEEDED TO KNOW.
NEW YORK IS THE MOST VIDEOTAPED
CITY ON EARTH.
IF A RAT TAKES A BITE OF PIZZA
ON THE SUBWAY IT GOES VIRAL IN
30 MINUTES AND HE’S KNOWN
THROUGHOUT THE WORLD AS PIZZA
RAT.
FOLKS, YOU CAN’T EVEN PLEASURE YOURSELF IN YOUR APARTMENT
YOURSELF IN YOUR APARTMENT
WITHOUT GETTING CAUGHT ON VIDEO
IN THIS TOWN.
SERIOUSLY, IF TWO BRITISH ROYALS
WERE IN A HIGH-SPEED CHASE OUT
OF THE FRENCH CONNECTION THERE
WOULD BE A ZILLION VIDEOS ALL
OVER THE INTERNET BUT ONCE AGAIN
THE ONLY THING HARRY AND MEGHAN
WERE FLEEING WAS THE TRUTH.
THE CAB DRIVER WHO PICKED THEM
UP AFTER THEY STOPPED OFF AT THE
19th PRECINCT TOLD THE
"WASHINGTON POST", "I NEVER FELT
LIKE I WAS IN DANGER.
I WASN’T LIKE A CAR CHASE IN A
MOVIE."
HE WENT ON TO SAY THE TRIP ONLY
LASTED 10 MINUTES BEFORE HE TOOK
THEM BACK TO THE POLICE STATION
AT WHICH POINT THEY MADE IT HOME
ON THEIR OWN.
LIKE THE SIDEWALKS, THEY ARE
BOTH FULL OF [ BLEEP ]
[Laughter]
[LAUGHTER]
>> BUT THEY WILL CONTINUE
TELLING WOE IS ME STORIES
BECAUSE THEY WORSHIP AT THE
ALTER OF CELEBRITY VICTIM HOOD.
THEY MAKE ALL THEIR MONEY --
IT’S A GREAT CON BUT AT THIS
POINT WE ALL KNOW THE TRUTH.
HARRY AND MEGHAN DON’T WANT TO
BE LEFT ALONE BECAUSE IF THEY
REALLY WANTED PRIVACY THEY WOULD GET A PRIMETIME SHOW ON CNN.
GET A PRIMETIME SHOW ON CNN.
[APPLAUSE]
>> WELCOME TONIGHT’S GUESTS.
HE’S SO NASHVILLE HIS BLOOD TYPE
IS MESQUITE.
FOUNDER OF THE BUCK SEXTON SHOW,
CLAY TRAVIS.
[APPLAUSE]
>> AS AN NFL REPORTER SHE SAW
BRAT NERVE NAKED WITHOUT GETTING
A TEXT FROM HIM.
HE LOOKS LIKE THE STEPDAD IN A
LOW BUDGET PORN.
TV PRODUCER AND WRITER, ROB LONG
IN THE HOUSE.
THERE HE IS.
SHE TAKES NO PRISONERS BECAUSE
SHE CAN’T CARRY THEM.
FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR AND "NEW
YORK TIMES" BEST-SELLING AUTHOR,
KAT FROM THE HOUSE.
HI, GIRL.
>> HI.
>> WASN’T THE LACK OF VIDEO
EVIDENCE THE TELL HERE?
>> EXACTLY FOR TWO HOURS NOBODY
WAS FILMING IT BECAUSE NOBODY
HERE WANTS TO BE FAMOUS OR GO
VIRAL.
MOST PEOPLE DON’T LIVE IN NEW
YORK CITY.
EVEN ACCIDENTALLY LIKE A TIK
TOKER FILMING A DANCE ON THE
SIDEWALK WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THIS
PANDEMONIUM IN THE BACKGROUND.
I MEAN, IT’S CRAZY.
I JUST ALSO DON’T UNDERSTAND
WHAT THEY MEANT BY LIKE NEW YORK
CATASTROPHIC.
LIKE NEAR COMMISSIONLLISIONS LIK
CUTTING YOU OFF.
>> EVERYTHING YOU DO HERE IS
NEAR FATAL.
>> THE MOST REMARKABLE THING IS
THEY THINK WE ARE SO STUPID.
LIKE THE FACT -- IT’S SO
OBVIOUS.
ANYONE WHO HAS EVER EVEN SEEN A
MOVIE ABOUT NEW YORK KNOW IT’S
NOT POSSIBLE.
THEY WANT PEOPLE TO FEEL SO BAD
FOR THEM.
A VICTIM GRIFF, IT GETS OLD.
MY PROBLEMS HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT.
LIKE I WAS THE PRINCESS AND I
DIDN’T WANT TO BE.
>> THINK ABOUT THAT PARENTS PAY
A THOUSAND DOLLARS AN HOUR AT
DISNEY TO PRETEND TO BE A PRINCE
AND SHE’S LIKE THIS GIG SUCKS.
I CAN’T BELIEVE IT.
CLAY, LET ME GO TO YOU BECAUSE
YOU WERE STICKING UP FOR HER IN
THE GREEN ROOM.
>> YES, I’VE ALWAYS BEEN A BIG
MEGHAN MARKELLE PERSON, I
COULDN’T HEAR ANYTHING IN THE
GREEN ROOM BECAUSE YOU BROUGHT
IN 1990s RAP.
>> DID I EVER?
>> HE WALKED IN, NO SOUNDTRACK
AND ALL 90’S RAP.
FIRST OF ALL, WHY WOULDN’T YOU
JUST POSE FOR THE PHOTOS WITH
THE PAPARAZZI?
TAKE THE PHOTO.
NO ONE HAS EVER TRIED TO TAKE MY
PHOTO EVER, RIGHT?
BUT IF YOU’RE SO CONCERNED,
THERE ARE LIKE SIX PAPARAZZI,
COME OUT, YOU’RE DRESSED REALLY
NICE.
I UNDERSTAND IF YOU’VE GOT KIDS
WITH YOU, OR IF YOU’RE NOT
EXPECTING TO GET YOUR PHOTO
TAKEN AT 6:00 A.M., MAYBE YOU’RE
A LITTLE BIT ANTAGONISTIC WITH
THEM, TAKE THE PHOTO AND GET
INTO A NORMAL CAR AND GO TO YOUR
PLACE.
I DON’T WANT TO SIT IN TRAFFIC
FOR TWO HOURS TO GO ANYWHERE.
IF YOU TOLD ME RIGHT NOW WHEN
THE SHOW IS OVER YOU’VE GOT TO
GET INTO A TWO-HOUR CAR RIDE,
NO, I’LL WALK, WHEREVER YOU NEED
ME TO GO, SO ALL OF THIS, I FIND
MEGHAN MARKELLE TO BE THE MOST
DE TESTABLE PERSON IN MEDIA AND
SHE REALLY IS IN MEDIA WITH ALL
THE SHOWS THAT THEY DO.
I’LL SAY THIS.
IF YOU EVER GET MARRIED OR DATE
SOMEONE AND THEY DEMAND THAT YOU
RENOUNCE YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY AS A
PRECONDITION FOR THAT
RELATIONSHIP IN SOME WAY, RUN IN
THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.
SHE’S AWFUL AND SHE’S TRYING TO
DESTROY HARRY.
I FEEL BAD FOR HIM.
>> I’M WITH YOU.
THE ONLY PLACE WE DIFFER IS I DO
GET PHOTOGRAPHED A LOT.
PEOPLE COME UP TO ME, OH, YOU’RE
THAT BEFORE MODEL FROM THE DIET
AD.
YOU’RE THE GUY ON THE LEFT SIDE
OF THE SCREEN IN THE SLIM FEST.
I KNOW YOU.
>> IS MEGHAN MARKELLE A WORST
ACTRESS OR SCREEN WRITER BASED
ON THE STORY TUESDAY NIGHT.
>> I’M A MEMBER OF THE WRITERS
GUILD.
I’M ON STRIKE.
GO WRITERS.
I’M A HUNDRED PERCENT IN FAVOR
OF THE WRITERS GUILD.
I THINK THEY HAVE A GOOD POINT
ALTHOUGH I WOULD BE A SCAB JUST
TO PUNCH OUT THAT STORY.
[LAUGHTER]
>> JUST PRO BONO, PROBABLY GET
KICKED OUT BUT I’LL DO IT
ANYWAY.
HERE’S WHAT PEOPLE FORGET ABOUT
MEGHAN AND HARRY.
[SNORES]
>> I’M SO BORED WITH THESE TWO,
I’M SO BORED WITH THEIR STORY,
I’M BORED WITH LIKE WHAT HAPPENS
NOW.
I’M BORED WITH THE KIDS.
I WAS BORED WITH THE CORONATION.
I’M SO BORED WITH THIS I FEEL
LIKE THEY OWE US -- GO AWAY,
COME BACK, GET FAT AND COME BACK
20 YEARS FROM NOW OR DO
SOMETHING A LOT MORE INTERESTING
THAN THAT.
LIKE, SOLVE A CRIME.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
>> MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
>> MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN SOME
WAY.
BE ON A SHOW, BUT NOT THAT.
THAT WAS JUST SORT OF LAME AND
SAD AND BORING, AND NEEDS A
PUNCH UP.
>> THANK YOU. I AGREE.
I AGREE.
I THINK YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS
BORED?
THEY ARE.
SHE MARRIED INTO THE ROYAL
FAMILY BECAUSE SHE WANTED
RELEVANCE.
SHE WAS A USA TODAY ACTRESS AND
SHE SAW MARRIAGE RELEVANCE WITH
HARRY BUT SHE DIDN’T UNDERSTAND
WHEN IT CAME TO SUCCESSION HIS
ONLY CHANCE OF WEARING A CROWN
WAS HAVING A BIRTHDAY PARTY AT
BURGER KING.
ONLY ONE DAY EACH YEAR WOULD HE
GHETTO WEAR IT SO DO YOU THINK
SHE’S BORING AND SHE’S TRYING TO
MAKE LIFE INTERESTING.
HE’S A SPARE, AS THE BOOK SAYS.
>> I WILL SAY THIS.
I THINK HE MIGHT BE BEHIND THIS
MORE THAN SHE IS, BECAUSE
REMEMBER, THAT HE IS SUING FOR
FURTHER PROTECTION WHILE HE’S IN
ENGLAND.
HE NEEDS MORE SECURITY.
AND I THINK THERE IS A LAWSUIT
UNDER WAY FOR HIM TO GET THIS
ADDITIONAL SECURITY.
WHAT BETTER WAY TO GET IT THAN
TO SAY WHEN I WAS IN NEW YORK,
AND THIS WAS OFFICIAL BUSINESS
OR WHATEVER IT WAS, I WAS, YOU
KNOW, UNDER THIS GREAT DURESS.
BUT HERE’S THE OTHER THING.
SHE WAS GETTING AN AWARD FOR A
WOMAN OF VISION.
AND I THINK THE REASON SHE WAS
GETTING THIS AWARD FOR BEING A
WOMAN OF VISION IS BECAUSE SHE
HAS HER VERY OWN TRUTH.
DOESN’T HAVE "THE TRUTH."
SHE HAS "HER TRUTH," AND THAT IS
HER VISION AND HER VISION THAT
NIGHT MUST HAVE BEEN QUITE
SOMETHING BECAUSE THERE IS NO
WAY IN HELL, LOOK, WE WEREN’T
THERE, I WANT TO BE NICE BUT I
CAN’T BE BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAY
IN HELL THIS HAPPENS IN NEW YORK
AND NOBODY SEES IT.
THERE IS JUST NO WAY.
SO I THINK THIS IS A PLAY FOR
EXTRA SECURITY MONEY FOR HARRY.
>> YOU KNOW WHO THE BIG WINNERS
ARE?
THE WRITERS OF HER OWN SHOW.
I GUARANTEE YOU, THEY WENT
THROUGH AFTER SOME TABLE
READINGS, WOULD THIS EVER
HAPPEN?
YOU TRY IT YOURSELF, LADY.
SHE TRIED IT, AND IT TURNS OUT
YOU NEED WRITERS.
[LAUGHTER]
>> MEGHAN MIGHT HAVE SETTLED THE
STRIKE.
THAT’S FUNNY.
>> YOU NEED WRITERS.
YOU NEED PEOPLE THINKING HARD
ABOUT, IS THIS EXCITING OR NOT,
NEEDS A THIRD ACT TWIST.
I CAN’T BE TWO HOURS DRIVING
AROUND IN A CAB.
>> THAT’S HILARIOUS.
I AGREE WITH YOU ON WOMAN OF
VISION.
STEVIE WONDER HAS GREATER
VISION.
>> HE’S NOT WATCHING, FOLKS,
IT’S OKAY.
>> HE MIGHT BE LISTENING.
>> GOD LOVE YOU, STEVIE, HE’S A
NATIONAL TREASURE.
BEFORE WE GO, COME SEE ME, I’LL BE IN CLEARWATER SATURDAY, MAY
BE IN CLEARWATER SATURDAY, MAY