- [Daniel] Coming up on "Dystopia Daily."
- Are you asking me to be a surrogate?
(bell dings) - Gather momentum.
- I want to see it going in.
- Uncomfortable. - If I had to wipe your bum,
I wouldn't take your t-shirt off.
- But I wouldn't complain.
- And slight rotation. - Yeah, just slight.
- And now, burrito. - No.
(lips smack) (video crackles)
- [Phone Voice] Calling Louis Penland home.
- (clears throat) Hello.
Hi. How are you do?
What do you mean I only call you when I need something?
Yeah, no, I would love to hang out, actually.
Are there cameras?
I mean, everyone has a camera on their phone.
Fine, fine. Yes, whatever.
Yes, it's a video.
Look. Okay, I'm sorry.
I'll do a (censored) reel with Phil.
I don't give a (censored).
I'll do whatever it takes. I'm desperate.
Thank you.
Okay.
(camera rustles)
Hi. And welcome back to "Dystopia Daily with Daniel Howell,"
where we ask the real questions,
like, "Should we try and save humanity?
Or would the extinction of our species
kind of just be fair enough?"
(upbeat music)
Previously, I discussed why I don't want kids.
But, what would I know?
I have no experience.
So I figured, to settle this, I should try before I buy.
Or I guess, you know, try before I hire a surrogate,
or get rejected by literally any adoption agency
that does their research.
But for this, I am gonna need the help
of the only glamorous, successful mummy I know.
Please welcome Louise.
(fist thuds)
(gentle music)
- Oh.
Shall I?
(gentle music)
- Yeah. Okay.
(gentle music)
- Hello.
Shall I come in?
What? Hello?
I don't like it.
Nope.
Dan.
Just.
Don't like it at all.
Stop it.
(phone clatters)
Stop it.
I don't like it.
Stop it.
(mug thuds)
It's creepy, and I don't like it.
- How are you, Louise? (audience applauds)
- Oh, why did you do that for so long?
- Welcome to the show.
- That was horrible.
- No, that will be all.
Thank you very much. Okay.
(phone clicks)
You look beautiful and glamorous, as always.
Thanks for being here. (audience applauds)
- God, that was such an unsettling start.
- Have I ever not been unsettling?
- (sighs) No.
- There we go.
Do you like the black tulips?
- Yeah.
- Phil said those were roses.
He's dumb as ****, isn't he?
- Yeah, you can say it. - I won't.
- Do you like what I've done with the place?
- It's lovely. It's very Greek death.
(upbeat music) (hand slaps desk)
- Yes. Thank you. - You're welcome.
- Well, if you expect the unexpected
does that make the unexpected expected?
I wanna be a good host. Do you want some water?
(jar thuds) - No
- I made banana water.
- That's rank.
- I thought it was posh.
When you do cucumber water, or something.
- It's by Google? - When you host people.
- You do reels and shit.
Isn't this
- what I'm supposed to do? - I do do reels.
- Go on then, I'll have some banana water.
You can try it first though.
(gentle music)
(water pours)
Stop it. Stop it.
You have it first.
(water pours)
Want to see it going in.
(magical music)
Cheers. (glasses clink)
(gentle music) (Daniel gulps)
Oh, oh, it's very. Oh no.
(mug slams) (Daniel gasps)
- Go on, then.
- Nope. (laughs)
- But honestly, it's edible.
It's quite nutritious.
- Okay, well if I-
- Get that potassium in you sis.
- Yes. It is good for you.
- Exactly. It's so a-peel-ing.
(audience laughs)
- Well, if it was apples,
you could say it was so apple-ing.
- Bananas have peels, Louise.
(both laugh)
- It was a long pandemic. I was inside a lot.
- Fruit facts.
- You know, pumpkin is a fruit.
- Really?
- Yeah.
And, so am I.
(bell dings)
It's been a long time since we saw each other.
- I'm sad about that.
- You're sad about me being gay.
****, you can't say that on the internet.
- Oh, my God.
(Daniel laughs)
- But no, seriously,
thank you very much for being on my channel.
It's been a long ass time.
People have asked.
- Butter gluttons, yes.
- The butter gluttons.
How could we forget.
If you're gonna enjoy bread and butter.
- Slather it.
- You need to put a good amount
of salty butter on the bread.
I think it's always quite mutually beneficial
when people collaborate.
It's a good space for people to, you know,
kinda just plug things.
So naturally, what would you like to promote?
(Louise sighs)
You didn't have a project ready to go for now?
- I didn't. I didn't.
I'm project less.
I've got a few books out.
Done six now.
- Get all six of Louise's books.
- All six. (audience applauds)
Or just follow me on Instagram and YouTube,
and TikTok.
- OnlyFans?
- Coming soon.
(upbeat music)
It's not.
- I would like to say,
"I'm sorry that I never reply to any of your messages."
It's not that I hate you, I'm just incredibly introverted,
but nobody believes me, when I say this.
- I feel like it is a little bit 'cause you hate me.
- I don't hate you.
You need to think,
how many times did I message you in the last three years?
- Like twice, maybe. - Twice.
- And that's only when you wanted something.
- Do you know how much I messaged the rest of the Brit coup?
****ing never. 'Cause I don't even like those bitches.
(Daniel laughs)
- I loved those years for the most part.
- But did you love those years,
or did you love how simple life was back then?
Did you love the content?
Did you love the people?
Or did you just like when life was more simple?
- Dan, I had a toddler,
and I was getting divorced through that time.
So it wasn't that simple for me.
- She has an excuse. What's your ****ing excuse?
I was gay. I had an excuse.
Jesus. (sighs)
Are you officially a mum-fluencer now?
- Yes, I think so.
- Nice. Nice. - I think so. Yeah.
- It's what I've always dreamt of.
- I've been thinking about my legacy a lot.
And about whether at any point in my life I wanna procreate.
But I do not know if I am ready.
- I think you should.
- You think I should now?
- Yeah.
- I brought you here, not because I wanna catch up.
Just kidding. I always wanna catch up.
Because I want to use you.
- Lovely. - For your skills.
- Okay.
- Your professional ability.
- Are you asking me to be a surrogate?
- It's time to get spunked up.
No, we're gonna do the plastic version.
It is time for Louise to teach Dan how to be a dad.
Let us move to the bespoke activity area.
(props creak and thud)
- Oh, oh. Yeah.
(sign thumps)
I'm just gonna, uh.
(upbeat music)
(Daniel grunts)
(baby thumps)
Oh, God, that hurt my heart.
- We have like five friends
that have had accidental babies,
and we've stolen all their **** for this experiment, okay.
- Okay, they're not accidental babies.
They're surprise babies.
- I was an accidental baby.
- I also have a surprise baby.
I met a man on Tinder and six months later,
surprise, I was pregnant.
- All life is a miracle.
So here is the baby that will teach Dan
(baby coos) Oh, my ****ing God.
(Dan laughs)
- How did it make noises?
What are we gonna call the baby?
Is it our baby together? (baby cries)
- Oh, ****ing hell.
Is it happy? What's happening?
Okay, sorry. Right.
How'd you go about naming a baby?
- You pick a name you like,
and that you hope they'll like.
Someone did once say to me,
"It has to be a name that would suit
an actress, a pop star, or a politician."
- Tracy.
- I've gone with Darcy and Pearl, which I think.
(scratchy sound effect)
- I am gonna call this baby,
Keith.
(baby cries)
Do you like the name Keith?
(baby cries)
- No.
- Well you're gonna have to deal with the name Keith.
Firstly, teach me how do I hold a baby without killing.
- Okay, so assuming the baby can't support its head.
'Cause when a baby's born their necks are like,
- all ahh. - Useless mother ****ers.
- So you have to, no, stop.
- They're trying their best. - I won't do this with you
- If you call the baby a mother ****er, I won't.
I'll do a lot of things with you.
- The baby's dad is the mother ****er, not the baby.
Let's be clear.
- You are pushing all of my boundaries today, Dan Howell.
- And you pushed two of these out.
- I did one of them at home with no pain relief.
- Good for you. Trying to show off.
God, flexing on these people out here. Good for you.
- Yeah. - Just breathed that baby
- right out. - I breathed the baby out.
- We put the birthing pool water on the garden afterwards.
- Okay. - Lovely.
- The birthing pool water on the garden?
- Well, the sludge also. (Daniel laughs)
And the placenta, I ate it.
- Did you?
- I had it dehydrated and made into tablets.
- So, I didn't eat it, like, - Oh, nice.
- with a knife and fork.
- You didn't fancy the omelet?
- I didn't. Popped it into a Tupperware box.
'Cause I had the baby at home,
with my name on.
Sent it off to a lady called Rebecca,
and who I met-
- How do you know you ate your own placenta?
- Well, I just have to trust that I did.
- Okay.
- I have half the tablets.
I've still got them at home in my kitchen cupboard,
'cause I don't dunno what to do with them.
So if ever you come, you can have one if you like.
- Oh, hell yeah.
If I need a pep up, I'll just have a bit of Louis' placenta,
and then I'll be like, "Oh."
But how long does it last?
- Eat my organs.
- Is that cannibalism?
- Is it?
- Little bit. - A little bit.
- But I'm gonna support the baby.
- Yeah. So you're gonna support the baby's head,
and just be lovely to it.
- Yeah. Okay. - Here's Keith.
- [Daniel] Okay, thank you.
- Here we go. - You held Pearl.
- Remember you held Pearl. (baby screams)
♪ Keith is beautiful ♪
- Yeah
♪ Keith is valid ♪
There we go.
I don't know why I look like I'm about to
like gather momentum
- Now I know how terrible you are,
I wish I hadn't ever let you hold my baby.
- Okay, so this is my nightmare.
What happens when the baby s***s?
- Wait. Stop, stop, stop, stop.
So if you are only changing the nappy.
- Yep.
- You don't need to take his arms out,
because you're just making more work for yourself.
- Ah. And babies don't like it
when there's like a temperature change,
or you're uncomfortable. - Yeah, like, if I
had to wipe your bum, I wouldn't take your T-shirt off.
- But, I wouldn't complain.
- So where's your other.
- No, no, no, no. - And then, you just
- brace yourself - Where's your other nappy?
- for a violent explosion.
Oh, yes.
What do you need the other nappy first?
- Have it ready? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You can't just leave the baby naked and afraid on a table.
So at this point, you would've covered her up.
- So she'd have some warmth. - Grindr hook up. What?
- Yep. Okay.
- Fun fact for you,
when the yellow stripe goes blue, that's when it's soiled.
- Hey, they should do that with Calvin Klein.
All right.
- [Computerized Baby] Daddy.
(Daniel laughs)
(baby cries)
- Take the nappy off.
(baby cries)
Come on, baby's getting cold. Take the nappy off.
(baby cries) Shh, Keith, please.
Oh, amazing.
- You are so good.
- Darcy's first word was map.
(Daniel laughs)
- Were you like, "I tried so hard."
- [Louise] But she was pointing at the cat.
- And she said map.
- [Louise] You wipe down to wipe any mess away.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait wait. (baby cries)
Okay, we're losing time here. We're losing time.
- You should have got this ready.
- Keith is getting bored. I'm panicking.
- [Louise] You should have got this ready.
- I'm on a virgin train to Manchester.
I'm in the toilet.
- I'm neck deep in s**t, - Come on.
- and there's a queue of 15 people waiting.
- For God's sake,
- open the wrapper. - I'm a panicking dad.
- How do you open these fucking biodegradable wipes?
- Why can't I open this?
- Are we being gaslit by these Tesco baby wipes?
Shh. (package crinkles)
- [Louise] Oh, my God.
- [Computerized Baby] Daddy.
- Stop it. Stop it, Keith.
Mummy's feeling pressured.
If it's a boy, I don't actually know,
'cause I've never done a boy nappy.
- Go.
- Unfurl the front bit.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Bring that through.
- Bring it forward,
and then the flaps at the back flap over.
(nappy rustles)
- [Computerized Baby] You have clearly
never done this before.
- **** you, Keith. You **** little ****.
- All right, sorry. - You're not gonna
- talk to the baby like that. - Nope, nope, no.
- I'm gonna divorce you. - Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- If you talk to my baby like. - I'm sorry.
- I'm trying my best.
- It's Velcro, look.
- Oh, it's Velcro. Holy shit, It's that easy?
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
I could do that.
- I did half of that for you.
- Look at this clean Keith. Hell, yeah.
- [Computerized Baby] Thank you, daddy.
- You are welcome. (lips smack)
- I'm assuming Keith's a her because of the-
- We don't know.
You know, I'm pretty woke.
I don't think we define those things anymore.
- Okay. - Okie dokie.
- You make your own choice up, Keith.
(baby cries) You could do this on your lap,
if you wanted to. Or.
- Shh. (baby cries)
- Keith. - You want some milk?
(bottle thuds)
- I just want this to be not edited out.
I am not on board with any of Dan's humor
towards babies or children.
- I love babies and children.
You saw me handle your actual baby.
Pearl is beautiful.
Keith is challenging, but I still love him.
'Cause you're a cheeky little monkey, aren't you?
Okay.
- [Computerized Baby] Aloha, sprinkerinos.
- Well, that is horrible. (laughs)
- Keith loves you.
- Thank you, Keith.
- Keith is so advanced. - Keith has imprinted on you.
- Can you say, "branding?"
What is this?
- [Computerized Baby] Brown?
- It's baby milk.
- Excuse me.
- [Computerized Baby] Brown?
- No. - (Daniel sniffs) No.
- You had your moment.
- [Louise] Taste it.
Drink it all. I dare you.
(Daniel slurps) (liquid gurgles)
- Did I just drink a load of strange hormones?
- It's like got all the nutrients
and things that a baby needs.
- Am I about to get lit?
- Breastfeeding is best. Infant milk.
Well, why are they saying that,
when they're gonna give us this?
- To shame you.
- Yes, that's right.
Want to do that up?
- Okay,
- [Computerized Baby] Come on. Come on.
- Who researched all of these sound bites?
- [Computerized Baby] Oh, I'm getting older.
- How are you gonna manage this?
- You just go like that,
and you stick it in the baby's mouth.
- [Computerized Baby] Oh. Oh.
- Stop it.
I was asked to come on this and talk about tips for babies.
- Oh, hell yeah. Here we go.
- Lovely. - Oh.
- I wish it wasn't doing my voice.
Now, you want to burp Keith?
- Okay, so the baby is about to fart up a storm.
- Or burp?
- Violent liquid s***s everywhere.
(liquid gurgling)
Oh, here we go.
How do I do it?
- Right. So you wanna put them on your shoulder,
and supporting them nicely,
just tap their back.
(horn honks)
- [Louise] Lovely. There you go.
- It came out.
- Yeah, amazing.
(baby groans)
Lovely.
- I'm a dad.
It's wonderful. (baby roars)
And now, Keith feels so much better.
(bell rings)
- Me too.
We're going to swaddle the baby.
- [Computerized Baby] Daddy. - No.
- Swaddling the baby.
When they're in the womb, there's not a lot of space
for them to be like "wah-ah."
- Hell, yeah.
- They like to feel like this,
and so they sleep better if they-
- Is that why I like bondage?
All comes back to the same thing, baby.
We just wanna be wombed up.
- [Computerized Baby] Daddy.
- So if you just lay the muslin.
- What is a muslin? - Daddy.
- That cloth is called a muslin.
- Oh, Daddy. - It's a cloth.
- Daddy, Daddy. - It's called a muslin.
- What makes it a muslin?
- Stop. - Daddy.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's coming.
Wait, okay.
- [Computerized Baby] Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy,
daddy, daddy, daddy.
- Be nice.
- Moving all the set around. - Who is that woman?
- You wanna fold it?
You wanna fold it so that you've got it in a bit of a
- Triangle situation. - Triangle.
- Yep. Like this. - Daddy, what the f**k?
- And then - I don't know.
- Lay. - She's just making s**t up.
It's a kitchen towel, isn't it?
- It's a Muslin.
- It's a kitchen towel.
- Take that side and wrap around tightly.
- [Daniel] Okay.
- [Louise] And then roll. No, no, no.
- Roll the baby? - Roll Keith, yeah.
- [Louise] And tuck under.
- [Daniel] Oh, okay. Just a slight rotation.
- And now, burrito. - - Yeah, slight. No.
- No. Okay. - God.
- I thought we were rolling Keith.
- Over. - Yeah.
- And then, a slight roll.
- Slight roll.
- And then, a tuck.
- And now, pick up burrito baby.
(baby speaks gibberish)
- Lovely, Lovely.
- [Computerized Baby] I am asleep.
- Oh, my God.
- Goodnight. - Shh.
(bell rings)
(audience applauds)
- We did the baby.
- We did the baby. - We conceived it.
- We raised it.
- We wiped off the shit. - I don't remember
- conceiving it with you.
- So it's as easy as that, huh?
- Yeah.
- Being a parent.
- Oh, my God. Dan.
Typically when it's time to get the buggy out
you're holding a million things.
So stand up.
You are still holding Keith.
And Keith has got to stay asleep.
- Why is there an espresso cup here?
- That's yours. - Would you be doing this
- while having a coffee?
- Yeah. Maybe you're having a coffee.
Has anyone got a phone with a timer on?
- Oh, God.
- Because you've got about 30 seconds to get this done,
I'd say.
- Before I miss the bus. - Right.
Your bus coming. Okay, you need to get your bag together.
- Oh, God. Okay, here we go.
- Hang on, I'll move the chair out the way.
So you need to get your bag.
- Wait, where's the baby bag?
- All your stuff's
- falling out of it. - Oh, God. Here we go.
- All your stuff's falling.
- What about all your - I'm fine.
- stuff on the floor?
- They don't need it. - No, you need it.
- The baby can shit itself. - The baby needs it's wipes.
No. I'll get more. I'll get more. I'll get more.
Right. Here we go.
No, the bus is coming.
- [Louise] The baby's bottle's on the floor.
(buzzer buzzes) - For God's sake.
- The baby's gonna starve. = It's gonna need it.
- It's hungry.
- 30, 29, 28, - Not now, Keith.
- 27. - I swear to f***ing God.
- That's not how we speak to children.
I know orphanage you can go to at any minute.
- Okay. - 24, 23, 22.
(nappy crashes) (animal cries)
- Okay. - 21.
- Okay. - 20.
- Right now, get the buggy up. - 19.
- Get it up. - 18.
- Get it up. - 17.
- ****, that was easy. - 16.
- Wait, wait, wait. - That's not secure.
- Look. - 15, 14.
- It's not secure. - Daddy, Daddy.
- [Daniel] How is this so hard?
That's what she said.
- Do it with your foot. - This is taking too long.
- You're gonna cut your hand.
Just do that.
- Oh, don't do "Just do that," as if I know anything.
We'll see.
- [Louise] Mind the coffee. Mind the coffee.
- Oh my God. - You're gonna burn him.
- And that was three pound fifty at Caffe Nero.
Okay, here you go.
- I am never asking you to babysit my children.
- Hold the espresso.
Let's get on the bus.
Vroom. (bell rings)
- [Computerized Baby] I am very comfortable now.
(Daniel laughs)
- How quickly can you unfold the whole thing?
- [Daniel] I feel like.
- Never. You'll just leave it up like that forever.
- Yeah, yeah - Yeah.
- It'll just live in your hallway like that.
- Keith, just straight vibing with the coffee.
- [Computerized Baby] I am asleep.
(audience applauds)
- You've nailed it.
- Exactly.
- It's time for you to have a baby.
(audience cheers)
- I am ready to bring a life into the world.
Oh, my God.
What do you do when you're just like,
sat there with the baby and it's awake?
- Play with it.
- [Computerized Baby] Entertain me.
- Oh, God. - You entertain it.
- How do you entertain something
that doesn't know what its life is?
- They like colors. They're like shapes.
They like visual stimulation.
- Hey, Keith. Purple.
- No.
- And then, it's like, "****, this is mind blowing.
I haven't seen that before.
This is a totally new experience for me."
- And then, - Purple.
when it starts getting bored, I'll be like,
"Green."
And, he'll just be like, "****."
- When they start hitting school age,
yes, they can do things like toileting and eating,
but then you, this would be your hell.
This is where you're gonna fall down.
You think this is easy?
- I felt like this was going well, okay.
- They hit school age,
and then you have got to make friends
with the other parents at the school gates.
- No, no. No, I don't. - Yes you do.
- I don't have to. - There's a WhatsApp group.
I do not have to join the mummy WhatsApp group.
- You absolutely have to join.
You've got to make
friends (sinister music)
with the other parents.
- Well, thank you.
This has been a wonderful
- Harrowing. - educational experience.
- I appreciate you coming to "Dystopia Daily."
As a memorabilia,
you are allowed to take one thing from the studio.
- I will take Keith.
(upbeat music)
I will take Keith.
- You don't want one of the tulips?
- For Keith's safety, I will take Keith.
- There's like a lot of nice fake plants around.
- I will take
Keith.
Now you're safe.
Say bye-bye to Daddy.
- [Computerized Baby] My Mummy.
- Hello, my love.
Thanks for watching. (bell rings)
Like and subscribe.
(upbeat music)
(buggy wheels rattle)
(door creaks) I'll do the door myself.
Thank you.
Bye then.
(buggy wheels rattle) (upbeat music)
(buggy wheels rattle faster) (feet patter)
(upbeat music)