Hey, what's up?
John Sonmez here from simpleprogrammer.com.
I did this—I got this question from this guy and he said, "I'm emotionally fucked due
to my family situation."
I basically told him that he needed to kill his father.
Just like Luke Skywalker.
A man doesn't truly become a man until he metaphorically kills his father or figuratively
or however you want to say it.
I'm mixing metaphors here.
He did a response and I wanted to respond to his response and answer a couple of questions
to clarify some points in that video.
He said, "Absolutely incredible, I could see your passion in this video.
Thank you so much for sharing it with me before it even goes live."
Which I did.
"It shows that you are truly helping people and not just trying to get ad revenue."
You know how low ad revenue is guys?
Come on!
All right, but no, I appreciate that.
"I'll share the video once it goes live for some of the people I think have been seeking—I
have been seeking advice from and see what they think.
I had a follow-up question.
At the beginning of the video you said that every mammal takes care of their offspring,
but later on you said no one has an obligation to give anyone shit.
Are these 2 statements not contradictory?
If mammals have responsibility to take care of their offspring isn't that an obligation?"
Okay, so I'm going to break here.
There's more of this.
I love this.
I love when you guys point out contradictions in what I say because life is full of contradictions.
I say things that are seemingly contradictory.
Sometimes they are contradictory and sometimes they're not.
In this case, it's not really contradiction, it just needs a clarification.
I'm glad that this was pointed out.
That's why I wanted to make this video.
In this particular case I will hold fast on the fact that you should not let people obligate
you, and you should not put obligations on people.
But, when you do something in your life that affects another person's life, that can create
an obligation.
In the case of a mammal, in the case of a human being having a child, you've created
the obligation.
You've made the choice to obligate yourself to at least taking care of your own offspring.
I think that's like a—you see what I'm saying?
You don't have an obligation to do more than what you're supposed to do which is to take
care of your own choices, the results of your own choices.
You could think of it this way as well.
If you caused someone harm you have an obligation to restore them.
If you take property from someone you have an obligation to restore that property to
them.
You cause some kind of physical harm to someone you have some kind of obligation to take them
to the hospital to see them through.
You see what I'm saying?
You've got an obligation in that case for the consequences of your own actions and the
harm that you've caused on other people or the world.
In that case, you do have an obligation, but it's a self-imposed obligation.
No one has come and declared to you that you are now obligated to them for something.
You have chosen a path, you have chosen something.
We call choose things in life.
I think this is a great question.
I mean that makes sense to say, "Hey, well, didn't you say that no one can obligate me,
but isn't a mammal, isn't a human being obligated to take care of their child?
Isn't that their obligation?"
Yes, I think that those things are both true, but like I said, there's a clear distinction
between someone placing an obligation on you or an expectation on you and you creating
an obligation within your life.
There are many instances, if you sign a contract to buy a car, you've created an obligation
to make a payment.
If you've taken out any kind of loan, you've created an obligation.
You can't just say, "Hey, well, John said, fuck this.
I'm not obligated.
You can't obligate me so I don't got to pay this shit.
I don't got to fulfill my word.
I don't have to be a man of my word or stand behind what I said or what I've obligated
myself to do."
But only you can obligate yourself.
See, slavery is when someone else obligates you.
When you obligate yourself that's voluntary, that's the only requirement there, okay?
We're not slaves.
Also, don't you think that most men are shaped by the leadership from their parents?
You're saying that a man isn't truly a man until he kills his father figuratively, means
that a man no longer has a leader figure ni his life to look up to.
I've heard the phrase, "Like father, like son" often.
A lot of people I know attribute their success and accomplishments to their parents.
Is it always the case that a man becomes a man once his father dies?
If a father is good then a man doesn't have to kill his father figuratively in order to
be a successful man, right?
Wrong.
I'm going to stand by this.
I've said this in the first video.
I know it's a tough pill to swallow.
You can be shaped by the leadership of your parents.
That's great.
I hope that you have good parents that have modeled life—I definitely have been shaped
by my parents and I appreciate the things that they've done for me as far as modeling
a lot of the good behaviors in life, teaching me some things like hard work and discipline
and all the kind of things that they've done.
A lot of us that have—some of us have had shitty parents.
I understand that.
but if you've had good parents you could appreciate that thing.
As sa man, looking up to your father as someone who, in my case, he's a man of high integrity.
I believe that he honestly stands by what he believes is correct, his principles, even
sometimes those come in conflict with mine.
it doesn't matter.
His self-integrity is something that I've learned.
Without spelling too much off about that, what I still want to say that it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter—that's a totally different point than the idea of a man having to figuratively
kill his father in order to become a man.
As long as you're holding your father in such a high regard as that you care what his opinion
is of you, right?
If you care, if you're seeking approval from your father and you see him as the patriarch
of the household, if you see him as the one who's the hunter, who's gathering and you
are following in line.
If you're not the leader of the tribe t hen you're not a man yet.
That's just how it is.
You won't fully embrace your manhood, for you guys out there, and I understand this
is difficult because you don't want to have that battle.
You don't want to have that fight.
You don't want to have the alienation.
You don't want to be all alone.
All your life you've grown up, you've had someone taking care of you, you've had your
parents taking care of you, you've had loved ones, you've had this feeling of non-responsibility
that ultimately, and as kids, as children it's important to have, within you, instill
that courage that there's always going to be someone there for you.
Now, some of you haven't had this, but that there's someone there for you that there's
ultimately someone who can save you or who bears the ultimate responsibility for your
life and for your actions and is the person you can go to when things go wrong.
But eventually you have to become that person, if you don't become that person, if you're
still relying on your parents, you're still relying on men, for your father's approval,
it's no good.
You're never going to step into that full man role.
You can take like a practical sense of this would be, if you think about it, if you had—it's
some kind of mission.
You're going on some kind of trip or something, and your parents are visiting, who would be
the one arranging the logistics?
Who would be the one taking care of things making sure that people eat, making sure that
things get done?
Is it you?
Who's driving?
Do you know what I mean?
Is it you or is it your dad?
Are you saying, "Okay, my dad is here, so he's going to take care of everything.
He's the one in charge now."
If you're delegating that down, if you're believing that that's the case then you haven't
stepped up.
You haven't figuratively killed your father in your mind.
That's why I said in that first video that a lot of men they don't truly become men until
their fathers actually physically die, because finally they're—sometimes they don't even.
That's even saying that a small percentage of men actually become men at that point because
they are finally are released from that feeling of trying to earn their father's respect,
trying to earn his approval.
The moment that you don't fucking care, the moment you're like, "You know what, I'm going
to live my life, I'm going to do what I want to do.
I'm the fucking man of my life."
That's the moment that you figuratively killed your father.
You're just never going to—you're never going to get around this.
I think I've addressed all the issues in here, but yeah, I mean that's what it is.
Again, like I said, it doesn’t mean that you have to have a shitty relationship with
your father.
It doesn't mean that you can't respect your father.
It doesn't mean you can't love your father.
It doesn't mean any of those things.
Those are great.
If you have a good father figure to look up to, that's awesome, that's great, but you
cannot live your life that way in such a way that you're seeking approval, that you're
still believing that you're subject to your father's—somehow his approval or disapproval
or rule.
You've got to step out and you've got to take the land and you've got to be the tribal leader
so to speak.
You've got to be the hunter.
You've got to get your own fucking food and you've got no net, you've got no safety net.
You've got no one to fall back on and rely on.
It's got to be you.
If you don't take that mentality in life and if you don't take up that responsibility then
you're just going to—you're always going to be a boy.
You're never going to be a man.
This is what it means to be a man.
That's why I said that in the first video.
There you go.
It's not an easy truth, maybe, to swallow, but it is the truth, honestly, at least as
I see it.
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I'll talk to you next time.
Take care.