Hey there, this is Clay with relationshipinnergame.com.
I'm the world's leading expert in breakups for high achievers and in this video I'm going
to be talking about something that somebody actually asked us I'm not too long ago, which
is in the apparent contradiction between reconnecting with your ex, forming an emotional connection
and having an ulterior motive.
Right?
Like if you go into the conversation, you're like, all right, I'm going to have like an
emotional connection here.
Like this is what's going to happen.
There's going to be a deep emotional connection here.
Like is that a contradiction?
And I mean, you know, we all know that trying to force something to happen with your ex,
you know, whether it's something big like, you know, hey, let's, I'm gonna I'm going
to get together with you and we're gonna have some sort of conversation.
I'm going to do my best to like steer it towards us talking about getting back together or
something like that.
What we all know that doesn't work.
I mean, I'm sure if you're watching this video, you've probably tried that at some point in
the past and if it did work, you wouldn't be watching this video but what about other
smaller minor things like a, for example, just wanting to have a conversation with your
ex and reconnect.
Okay, so this is gonna trigger a little bit less of that reactance than a than something
big, you know, like trying to get back together or have that conversation, but it still can
cause a little bit of pullback, especially when you're bringing a lot of expectation
into the mix.
And I want you to know that this doesn't necessarily have to be a contradiction a, it's not necessarily
like, you know, hey, you know, if, if I want to reconnect with you, then I'm inherently
a, you know, attached to outcome, right?
It doesn't necessarily have to be that way in the way that you do that is that you stay
curious about what your ex's experiences.
Okay.
So you're not trying to reconnect or have a deep emotional bond or a, you know, anything
else like that.
You're just simply curious.
You're just like, hey, there's this person over here, I used to be in a relationship
with that person.
I, I care a lot about this person.
I haven't talked to this person in a period of time.
I don't know, maybe it's been a day, maybe it's been a month, maybe it's been longer.
I don't know, but there has been a period of time has passed and I'm curious like, what's
new with this person?
What's, what's been happening in your life?
How have things been going?
What hasn't been done?
What that thing you said you were going to do?
I.
How'd that turn out?
You know, stuff like that.
That's curiosity.
It's not like I'm attached to, you know.
Yeah.
We're going to have, I'm going to tell some jokes and she's going to laugh and she's going
to like touch my chest ever so gingerly and she'll fall madly in like, it's not like that
at all.
I, I just, I'm just curious about this person over here.
Right?
What's new with you?
I got, I have no idea what your experiences.
I have no idea what you've been going through.
I have no idea what's happened since we last touched based and I care about you and I want
to know what's going on.
Like that is kind of the mindset that you want to have and notice how in that mindset
there isn't dislike attachment to trying to form an emotional connection.
It's just curiosity.
Right?
But if you bring enough curiosity to that interaction, oftentimes what you'll notice
is that the connection will naturally start to develop, right?
So you'll say like, oh, how is that thing you said was going to happen last week?
And then they'll say, and then you say, Oh really?
That's really interesting.
Like where did that make you feel?
Like when you were up in front of that group of people talking about the thing and then
they'll tell you, I don't know about you, but I'd be really nervous because public speaking
is really difficult for me.
There was this one time in fourth grade, I had to give a public speaking thing in front
of the class and I was shaking so much.
My voice was quivering the whole time.
I was so embarrassed, you know, you can just go on like that and have this like back and
forth thing, whether it's just curiosity, you sharing your experiences, more curiosity,
you sharing your experiences, them sharing their experience, all of that, and the connection
will naturally develop.
You don't have to try and force it, you don't have to like be a sort of attached to it,
but if instead you can let go of the idea that you're, that you're like trying to get
this connection and instead just be curious about the other person.
The connection will naturally arise.
Okay, I hope that, I hope that makes sense.
And the second thing that you can do to help you in this situation is to, again, detach
yourself from your own motives, your own agenda, right?
So, you know, as, as people who are watching this youtube channel, um, you know, you want
to do things like save your relationship with your ex, have a great connection.
you know, do stuff like that, right?
Those are things that you want to do and that's fine.
You want to do it, but you have to like let go of that agenda in the present moment, right?
So yeah, there's this person over here, you're attracted to them.
You want to be in a relationship with them that's really cool and everything like that.
But you have to let go of that and just focus on interacting with that person, focus on
understanding what that person is going through, what their experiences.
Again, all that curiosity stuff.
Right?
And the reason that you want to do that is because if you're really fixated on the relationship
or the connection or on, you know, getting them to kiss you or have sex with you or whatever
it may be, then your agenda is basically like, Hey, f you, I don't care how you feel.
I just want to talk about getting back together.
I don't care that you know, your, your grandfather died.
I just want this conversation to go in the way where you and I are having a talk about
getting back to you.
Right?
And that doesn't feel good.
I mean obviously you're not going to just say that unless you're like a total asshole,
but, but when you have this ulterior motive of like, yeah, it's really tough that your
grandfather died and you know, I want you to know that I'm here for you and if we were
in a relationship together, I would be here for you a whole lot.
Like, you know, when you say stuff like that, it's kind of like under the surface it's like,
okay, yeah, you just basically said f you to my feelings and you're just trying to force
this agenda and that doesn't feel good.
Right?
That really doesn't feel good even if you know, we're not like overtly saying that.
So keep that in mind and I think that will help you overcome this challenge of a or the
seeming contradiction of trying to reconnect with your ex will also being free from attachment
to outcome.
Okay.
So again, this has been Clay Andrews with relationshipinnergame.com.
And if you'd like to learn more about how to reconnect with your ex, how to get back
together with your ex, and how to form a strong foundation so that the two of you can start
a new relationship together on a clean slate, then head on over to our website rrelationshipinnergame.com
Thanks.