WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY TIME.
WE DON'T HAVE A MINUTE TO WASTE HERE.
IT'S ALMOST CHRISTMAS.
I'M BUSY, YOU'RE BUSY.
I'VE GOT AN OVEN FULL OF SNICKERDOODLES
I HAVE TO FINISH THE MONOLOGUE BEFORE THE TIMER GOES OFF.
IT'S JUST AFTER SIX CLRKS AS WE SPEAK, THE FULL HOUSE OF
REPRESENTATIVES IS STILL DEBATING THE ARTICLES OF
IMPEACHMENT.
THEY HAVEN'T VOTED YET, BUT I'M ABOUT TO GO ON VACATION, SO I'M
JUST GOING TO GO AHEAD AND CALL IT NOW.
TONIGHT, FOR ONLY THE THIRD TIME IN U.S. HISTORY, THE HOUSE OF
REPRESENTATIVES VOTED TO IMPEACH A SITTING PRESIDENT, DONALD J.
TRUMP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE IT IS.
AGAIN, THEY HAVEN'T ACTUALLY VOTED YET.
AND IF WE WAKE UP TOMORROW AND IT TURNS OUT I'M WRONG, I WILL
ISSUE A SEVERE APOLOGY FROM MARGARITAVILLE.
I'M COMING BACK.
I'LL GIVE YOU ALL THE DETAILS IN THIS VERY SPECIAL INSTALLMENT OF
"DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."
>> CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
IT'S TODAY!
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
>> Stephen: NOW, LIKE I SAID, TRUMP'S ONLY THE THIRD PRESIDENT
TO BE IMPEACHED, AND THE FOURTH TO HAVE ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT
DRAWN UP AGAINST HIM.
BUT HERE'S THE THING: I'M 55 THREE OF THOSE IMPEACHMENTS HAVE
HAPPENED DURING MY LIFETIME.
FOR THE FOURTH ONE, YOU HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY BACK TO 1868 AND
ANDREW JOHNSON, WHOSE SENATE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL WAS, OF
COURSE, CONDUCTED BY CHUCK SCHUMER AND MITCH McCONNELL.
( LAUGHTER )
MOVE ON!
MAKE ROOM FOR YOUNG BLOOD!
TODAY, THE HOUSE GAVE THEMSELVES SIX HOURS OF FLOOR DEBATE TO
DECIDE ON IMPEACHMENT.
SIX HOURS?
THAT'S A LONG TIME TO LET BOTH SIDES REPEAT THE SAME STUFF
THEY'VE BEEN SAYING FOR MONTHS.
IT'S LIKE HAVING TO--
THERE IT IS.
OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
IT'S LIKE HAVING TO LISTEN TO YOUR GRANDFATHER TELL THE
SAME STORY YOU'VE BEEN HEARING YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.
"GRANDPA, NO ONE BELIEVES THAT YOU DID OVER-THE-CLOTHES STUFF
WITH BETTY PAGE!"
NOW, IN HER OPENING STATEMENT, NANCY PELOSI MADE SURE EVERYONE
KNOWS SHE'S REAL SAD ABOUT THIS.
>> VERY SADLY NOW, OUR FOUNDER'S VISION OF A REPUBLIC
IS UNDER THREAT FROM ACTIONS FROM THE WHITE HOUSE.
SADLY, THE AMERICAN PEOPLE HAVE WITNESSED FURTHER WRONGS OF
THE PRESIDENT.
TODAY IS A NATIONAL CIVICS LESSON, THOUGH A SAD ONE.
I SOLEMNLY AND SADLY OPEN THE DEBATE ON THE IMPEACHMENT OF THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
>> Stephen: (AS PELOSI) "BUT, FIRST, SADLY, WE ARE
SOLEMNLY SAD, ABOUT THE SOLEMN, SAD, SOMLENESS THAT IS THIS SAD,
SAD, SOLEMN SAD DAY.
SAD."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S HER.
BUT THE AWARD FOR MOST "HUH?" IMPEACHMENT TAKE IN THE HOUSE OF
REPRESENTATIVES GOES TO GEORGIA REPUBLICAN AND MAN WHOSE
LAST NAME DESCRIBES HIM PERFECTLY, BARRY LOUDERMILK.
LOUDERMILK MADE THIS COMPARISON: >> BEFORE YOU TAKE THIS HISTORIC
VOTE TODAY, ONE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS, I WANT YOU TO KEEP
THIS IN MIND: WHEN JESUS WAS FALSELY ACCUSED OF TREASON,
PONTIUS PILATE GAVE JESUS THE OPPORTUNITY TO FACE HIS
ACCUSERS.
DURING THAT SHAM TRIAL, PONTIUS PILATE AFFORDED MORE RIGHTS TO
JESUS THAN THE DEMOCRATS HAVE AFFORDED THIS PRESIDENT.
>> Audience: OOOOOH!
>> Stephen: REALLY?
YOU'RE GOING TO COMPARE DONALD TRUMP TO JESUS CHRIST?
( LAUGHTER )
HAD TO CUT A CHECK TO KEEP MARY MAGDALENE QUIET.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I HAVE THAT RIGHT, RIGHT?
>> Jon: YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.
THAT NEVER HAPPENED, NO.
>> Stephen: REPRESENTATIVE LOUIE GOHMERT TOOK A MORE NEGATIVE
VIEW OF THE PROCEEDING.
>> THIS COUNTRY'S END IS NOW IN SIGHT.
I HOPE I DON'T LIVE TO SEE IT.
>> Stephen: WOW, THAT'S A BOLD STATEMENT.
BUT IT EXPLAINS HIS REELECTION SLOGAN: "GOHMERT 2020: TAKE ME,
DEATH."
( APPLAUSE )
HE JUST PLAIN, OLD DUMB, BABY.
TRUMP IS REACTING TO THE IMPEACHMENT NEWS WITH HIS USUAL
CALM AND MEASURED RANTING.
YESTERDAY, HE SENT AN ANGRY SIX-PAGE SCREED DIRECTED AT
NANCY PELOSI.
AND TODAY HE PASSED THAT RANT OUT TO EVERY MEMBER OF
CONGRESS INSIDE A MASSIVE CHRISTMAS CARD.
( LAUGHTER )
CHEESECAKE FACTORY MENU!
WHICH MAKES SOME SENSE, SINCE BOTH FEATURE AN "ORANGE
CHICKEN."
ARE THE CARD, THE CARD IS SIGNED--
( APPLAUSE )
LET'S SEE, IT LOOKS LIKE THAT SAYS PRESIDENT "AMNANHUNMUN" AND
FIRST LADY "WHAAA JIMMY."
THE PRESIDENT DIDN'T STOP WITH "ANGRY SCREED" AND "COMICALLY
OVERSIZED CARD," BECAUSE HE ALSO INCLUDED A SECOND, SMALLER
CHRISTMAS CARD.
CARDS WITHIN CARDS!
IT'S LIKE A RUSSIAN DOLL-- WHICH, COINCIDENTALLY, IS
TRUMP'S SECRET SERVICE NICKNAME.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
DESPERATE CRY FOR HELP.
THIS MORNING HE TWEETED, "CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT I WILL BE
IMPEACHED TODAY BY THE RADICAL LEFT, DO-NOTHING DEMOCRATS, AND
I DID NOTHING WRONG!
A TERRIBLE THING.
READ THE TRANSCRIPTS.
THIS SHOULD NEVER HAPPEN TO ANOTHER PRESIDENT AGAIN.
SAY A PRAYER!"
YES, NOTHING, NOCT--
NOTHING SAYS CONFIDENCE QUITE LIKE SAY A PRAYER."
A STATE TROOPER PULLS YOU OVER, YOU'RE COMPLETELY INNOCENT, SO
YOU SCREAM AT THE OTHER MOTORISTS "PRAY FOR ME!"
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: TRUMP PROBABLY WILL BOUNCE BACK.
ACCORDING TO ONE FORMER AIDE, TRUMP IS "THE MOST RESILIENT
POLITICIAN THE COUNTRY HAS EVER SEEN."
OKAY, NOT TO BE ALL "TEDDY ROOSEVELT GOT SHOT," BUT TEDDY
ROOSEVELT GOT SHOT, AND THEN FINISHED THE SPEECH HE WAS
GIVING.
TRUMP GETS WINDED CARRYING AN UMBRELLA UP A STAIRCASE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE AIDE THINKS-- THIS AIDE-- THIS UNNAMED AIDE, THINKS NONE
OF US-- NONE OF US WILL BE THAT AFFECTED BY ANY OF THIS,
PREDICTING "WE'LL JUST WAKE UP THURSDAY AFTER THIS ABSURD
IMPEACHMENT VOTE AND SAY,' WELL, THAT WAS QUITE A SEASON THREE
FINALE.
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN IN SEASON FOUR'?"
YES, THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY IS JUST A TV SHOW WE ALL HAVE TO
LIVE THROUGH.
I CALL IT "THE WORST WING."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I LOVE THAT GREEN VELVET.
WHAT IS IT A FOREST GREEN, MOSSY?
I LOVE IT.
ONCE TRUMP IS IMPEACHED, THE CASE MOVES TO THE SENATE, LED BY
MAJORITY LEADER AND CLINICALLY-DEPRESSED SCROTUM,
MITCH McCONNELL.
( LAUGHTER )
AFTER THAT ONE.
( LAUGHTER )
THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL-- NO IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.
BUT McCONNELL COULD LOSE CONTROL OF THE PROCEEDINGS IF FOUR
REPUBLICANS VOTE WITH DEMOCRATS TO ALLOW WITNESSES.
ONE OF THE LIKELY SUSPECTS TO GROW A SPINE IS UTAH SENATOR
MITT ROMNEY, SEEN HERE QUESTIONING HIS LIFE CHOICES.
( LAUGHTER )
OPINION ON CALLING ADDITIONAL WITNESSES, HE SAID, "IT'S NOT
THAT I DON'T HAVE ANY POINT OF VIEW, IT'S JUST THAT I'M NOT
WILLING TO SHARE THAT POINT OF VIEW TILL I'VE HAD THE CHANCE
TO TALK TO OTHERS AND GET THEIR PERSPECTIVES."
OH, COURAGE.
IT'S JUST LIKE AT THE END OF THE MOVIE WHEN THE ROMANS ARE ABOUT
TO CRUCIFY KIRK DOUGLAS, AND THEN TONY CURTIS STANDS UP AND
GOES, "IT'S NOT THAT I'M NOT SPARTACUS.
I'M JUST NOT WILLING TO SHARE WHETHER I'M SPARTACUS.
FIRST, I WANT TO TALK TO THESE OTHER GUYS AND FIND OUT IF ANY
OF THEM ARE SPARTACUS.
ANYONE?
NOPE.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL SIT DOWN NOW."
( DING )
MY SNICKERDOODLES ARE DONE!
HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
HERE WE GO.
HOT STUFF!
AH!
THERE YOU GO!
( APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT!
CHARLIZE THERON IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, RUDY GIULIANI WILL JOIN US.
OH, YEAH.
COME ON!
HOT STUFF!
♪ ♪ ♪