So you've never touched a d**k before, like even as a kid? Um, no. Oh my God Gary, that is so gay.
I'm not supposed to drink, so - that is the most repressed Catholic ass bulls**t I've ever heard in
my life. I did jerk off once in the steam room at a country club. God, not even an Equinox?
Jesus Christ Gary. It was a long time ago, the world's a different place now. B***h please.
The ancient Greeks were gay as f**k. Zeus ate d**k for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I mean
that's why he was so strong. All the cum. What? You're a very spirited young man. You know what
is so funny is people say s**t like that to me all the time and I never know what it means.
But this isn't about me. This is about you. I want to know why now? I can't believe I'm
telling you this. I got married so young. I had kids so young that I never gave myself an
opportunity - Holy s**t Gary I didn't even think about that! Your kids are so lucky! Why? They
have a gay dad! What's better than that? Well, I doubt they see it that way Cory. Please call me
Cameron. Cory's a work name and helps me get into character, but you and I are friends now. Okay,
well Cameron, um my kids don't talk to me, so - what? I'm sorry you're telling me that
your family won't talk to you because you prefer bussy over p***y? What the actual
f**k? Patty had her reasons. Patty is a very very name Gary. Cameron! No, I'm sorry Gary,
but that is bulls**t. Bulls**t. You were honest with those b****es and they turned their back on
you cuz of your sexuality? I'll talk to that b***h for you. I'm a people person, give me
your phone. No no, it's okay you don't have to - Gary the only thing better than my dad being gay
would have been him being like a Reiki Master. I would have killed to have a dad like you.
I'm dying. Oh baby, I'm dying too. I mean every night I fall asleep with
my Airpods in - I'm actually dying. I have an inoperable brain tumor. Oh s**t.
I'm sorry I I I really don't know what to say. I
mean words of affirmation is not my love language. It's it's more
like - okay no okay you don't have to worry about not knowing how to respond. Nobody's reacted that
well thus far, myself included. Oh Gary, are you okay? I mean I know you're not okay obviously,
but I mean. It's like I just realized that I've been alive for nearly half a century and
I haven't actually lived even a second of it. Okay, okay Gary. Gary I'm going to help you.
What? Let's find someone for you. Someone you've always wanted who will put what you want first.
Honestly can you just finish the hand job and go? Oh shut up. Shut up Gary! We're doing this.
You are going to do this. Now, have you heard of Plunger? No. It's a sex app. Why do I need a sex
app? I literally paid for you. Uh because you're not gay until you've hooked up with a complete
stranger on an app who looks nothing like their pictures. Okay. Okay so crash course. Basically
once you set up your profile, then you put in your stats. That's the basics. Like your height,
your body type, your pronouns, your positions. That's the top bottom stuff,
we'll figure it out later for you. Jesus! Your relationship status, date last tested,
etc. etc. And then boom! You are getting your hole licked, your salad tossed, your carpet munched by
your best friend's dad or a closeted neighbor. I'm sorry, this is a lot to take in. It's a lot
Gary. I wish they had a gay Duolingo. You know what? Why don't you see for yourself? Go on.
Oh my God, there's so many hot guys. Yes there are, but if you want to talk to any of them,
you're going to need an avatar. Profile picture Gary. You're going to need a
profile picture or no one's going to answer. Now, do you know what lighting in your house
makes you the most dewy? Can we just use a picture of you? Seriously? Look at you,
I'm not going to get very many responses. Uh yeah, not with that attitude. Do you know
your angles? Angles? Oh for f***s sake Gary. Come on, I can't just teach you everything.
Hot? Yeah, that's very hot. I know. I'll just call us lad and dad.
Okay um. How about this guy? 2 miles away, dom, top, DL, mask for mask, I love to suck. What's DL?
It's down low, just like you. Oh I like his hat. Okay. I like your hat bro, you're hot.
You too. Wait, he already wrote back to you? Yup. Come over and drain me. I'm I'm sorry no no wait
Cameron, I think that this might just be too much. Too late, he's already on his way. Wait what? I
dropped a pin. You gave him my address? Yeah, but Cameron I might not be ready for this. I mean it
took me a week just to work up the courage to call you and now you you you've invited some complete
stranger to my home. I don't even know who this person is. They're going to come in here. How
am I supposed to react to that? You need to loosen up. How? Because you're with me. I am
like human poppers. I open anyone up. All you have to do is sit back and relax. Relax. You're going
to be okay, I prom. Prom? Half of promise. Did you just make that up? Oh my God it's New York,
Gary. The reality star - oh Jesus, you have so much to learn. I'm going to your kitchen.
Gary it's so harsh in here. You need to liven it up! Spoon spoon
spoon spoon spoon spoon spoon. You really are dying aren't you?
Gary and Patricia had a long and beautiful marriage filled with blessing and love. The
life they shared was harmonious and fulfilling raising the boys however Gary has now left the
marriage to finally pursue his life as a gay man. There are no words to describe the shock
and heartache Patricia feels regarding Gary's new path. Gary, oh my God. Okay can we please talk
about this? Because what the actual f**k? Where'd you get that? I went through your s**t. Of course.
After the split, Patty lashed out in interesting and craft based ways. It's
on like weighted paper. Like you're telling me this b***h went to Kinko's and printed
how many copies? She sent them to quite a number of people in our lives. Gary
it's like a eulogy for straight you. Rest in peace. At least you got to keep the house.