I know we said we wouldn't get political on this show,
but last night our country was faced with a huge decision:
-Hannah choosing Jed over Tyler. -(laughter)
The Bachelorette finale had tons of drama.
Turns out the guy who, uh, brought his acoustic guitar
to parties was kind of a douche.
-Who would have thunk? -(Cuoco gasps)
Kaley, you watched The Bachelorette.
Ah. It was so hard.
When he sang his proposal to her, I just...
(laughter)
-SPADE: Brutal. Yeah. -It was... it was brutal. It was rough.
It was so obvious who the right choice was, too.
Yeah. That guy was a stud.
-Oh, Tyler? Oh, yeah. -No, it was the pilot guy before
-that was the right choice. -I liked the pilot, too.
He was nice. The guy that lives over here, he's lovely.
-Yeah. -He's lovely. But then he had sex with Hannah
four times in the windmill, and he didn't (bleep) her right.
-That's what happened. -BYRNE: Yeah, that's right.
Well, I got an insider who's gonna help us out here.
Uh, host of The Bachelor franchise, Chris Harrison.
-What? -Chris is calling in.
-Chris! -Hey, Chris. -Hi. -(cheering, applause)
Can you hear me?
-Can you hear me? I can't hear you. -(Chris muted)
-Can he hear me? -He's just saying,
"Now it's time for the final rose."
He's like one of those dolls you pull a string on.
(cheering, applause, shouting, gasping)
Hey.
All right! Good to see you, bud.
-Say hi to the guys. -(cheering, applause continue)
I love it.
Chris, crazy night last night.
Uh, I have a quick question.
Everyone wants to corner you with questions.
CUOCO: We have so many questions.
Do you, uh, do you work on the Bachelor island now,
-or is that part over? -Uh, Bachelor...
-Well, Mexico's not an island. It's... -Okay. -(laughter)
-It's... -I think you're wrong.
-JEFFERIES: There is water. -Paradise, by the way.
Agree to disagree. Yeah, it's Bachelor in Paradise.
-Yes, I'm sorry. -That starts-- so we're done with that--
-that starts next Monday. -CUOCO: Can't wait for that.
-I have a real question. -Yes?
What is the condom budget on the show?
(laughter)
-That's... -That's a big...
That and the STD test, easily the biggest expense.
-That's a lot. A big expense. -Easily the biggest expense.
How does it feel to be on the most dramatic episode
-of Lights Out with David Spade ever? -CUOCO: Ever!
-In history... -It feels good. -(cheering, applause)
CUOCO: Ever!
I feel like the tables have been turned.
Jim, do they have bachelors in Australia?
-They... -(laughter)
All right, well, a lot of secrets were revealed
last night during the finale, but there was one secret
we didn't reveal-- isn't that right, Chris?
Yeah. Now that the season is finally over,
I can reveal that Spade and I, well, we aren't friends,
but we are coworkers.
-(laughter) -SPADE: Yes!
And we're also... we're also friends.
-No, no, we're not friends... -(laughter)
but we did hire David Spade as a consultant
to give the drama a little extra flair.
So Spade has been in the ear of all of our contestants,
feeding them lines and orchestrating the whole season.
So take a look.
♪ ♪
Okay, ready?
PETER: Definitely I want to just, like, talk to you about,
like, from the Scotland night, all those...
-All right, you got her in there. -secrets and...
-the good things... -Just don't mention her rosacea,
-even though it's very obvious. -You're a very special girl.
You have to know that I'm actually crazy.
-SPADE: Don't call her crazy. -I'm okay with crazy.
I like crazy.
SPADE: All right, well, you know what? Kiss her.
Kiss her. All right.
Where are your hands?
You know what to do, all right?
You can't get pregnant in a hot tub, am I right?
Let's go to commercial.
Latvian guy, make up a fake Latvian name.
-My name's Guent. -Hey. Garrett.
Too fake. This guy's bombing.
SPADE: Are these guys from the Groundlings or Second City?
-UCB. -Oh, boy. There's a third one?
All right, Hannah, easy line here.
Just say, "When in Rome..."
When in Latvia...
-No! "When in Rome," ding-dong. -you do it the Latvian way.
Did this girl go to school?
SPADE: All right, here we go, guys.
-One, two, -Don't get scared.
-three, go. -You're gonna jump out for real.
(both screaming)
Don't get weird if his balls hit your face; it's normal.
All right, there you go.
Quick, who's got a horrible angle?
Go with the worst angle. That one.
Hannah seemed to appreciate what I had to say.
So that's all I care about, dude.
-LUKE: You disgust me. -Luke, Luke, Luke.
Luke, get up and punch him in his face.
Go over and punch him in his face
and do not be a pussy about this.
I am never,
-and I'm not ever going to reach for anything. -Here we go.
I've been nothing but truthful
-with Hannah, -Fight, fight, fight.
and you are not gonna mess it up.
You know what this is right here?
This is a pile of bologna.
Look at that.
What did he just do?
Is that bologna?
It's salami, actually.
So his dumb joke doesn't even make sense?
Get Luke up here.
Let's kick this guy off the island.
Can we do that?
It's a house; it's always been a house.
This isn't an island?
Oh, is that the other one?
(bleep) this place.
Didn't she tell us she could draw in the meeting?
I don't care what you do, Hannah, just make it racist.
Oh-ho, ho-ho. Pull back.
He seems okay with it.
Racism takes a back seat to Porsche. (rolls tongue)
Look like you just found out what steroids do to your balls.
Remember that feeling?
Remember when you looked down and saw those little babies?
Yes, yes, yes.
Run with that, nothing else.
Hannah, nothing.
Hold it, hold it.
Hold it like a soap opera.
Keep holding.
It feels too long.
Keep holding.
And we're out. Go to the Applebee's commercial.
Hannah.
I can't do this.
SPADE: Get it together.
Take your zannie bar.
Uh... Can you stop the car?
SPADE: No, you can't stop the car.
Don't go off-script.
We got Jason Bourne here, going rogue.
All right. You said you couldn't walk, remember?
You got ramrodded in the windmill.
You made a big thing out of it.
You seem like you're walking just fin--
Oh, you're down.
(laughing) Okay. You weren't bluffing.
We're gonna get you a bag of peas
to put in your cooch.
I don't know what I'm saying anymore.
All right, that's a wrap, everybody.
Let's go.
Okay episode, everyone.
(cheers and applause)
Yeah.
(applause and cheering continues)
-Oh. -CUOCO: That's hilarious.
-SPADE: All right. -CUOCO: Oh, my God.
I actually like that show.