[ Voiceover ] Claire: Hey, I'm Claire Ganski.
[ Voiceover ] Claire: This is me...
[ Voiceover ] Claire: And this is Ruby...
[ Voiceover ] Claire: My roommate and partner in soul symmetry!
[ Voiceover ] Claire: And this particular tale starts with
two birthday gifts, a little too much gin,
and getting evicted on my 25th birthday.
Ruby: I know, I know, I know. I have one job…
Claire: Yup.
Ruby: Take care of our finances, and not get us evicted…
Ruby: But...
Ruby: Claire, I mean, your writing’s amazing, and we both know you never would have taken this step yourself.
Claire: Yeah, that doesn’t mean you can just squirrel away $4000 of our hard-earned rent money, and —
Ruby: $4562.
Claire: 4562 dollars… and self-publish a book!
Ruby: This isn’t just ANY book.
Ruby: So, what’s in this box? Open it…
Claire: Wow...
Ruby: Oh my god, it beats the fertility tea and rutabaga she usually sends…
Claire: Does it though?
Ruby: Ooooooh!
[ Voiceover ] Claire: Gift number one, a crystal ball from my baba, and numero deux, a book of poetry by… Claire Ricardo?
Ruby: It’s your penname!
Claire: Ruby, this is a very elaborate gift… oh, of my very, uh, personal poetry… from my private collections.
Ruby: Your stuff is too good for the rest of the world not to see.
Look, I’ve got a whole couple of boxes of these little bitches ready for sale [Claire: Ooooh] and distribution.
Claire: Wow. Thank you, Ruby. You shouldn’t have…
[ Voiceover ] Claire: Ruby couldn’t explain how she could afford the self-publishing fees,
Claire: so she resorted to distracting me with the allure of potential romance…
Ruby: At the stroke of midnight, you are going to be a quarter of a century old!
Ruby: We are going to go out, and WE are going to get you LAID.
Ruby: And maybe if you’re lucky, you’ll even be with, Nico McHottiePants...
Claire: I dunno what you’re talking about…
[ Sexy Saxophone Music ] Ethereal Nico: Hiii Claaaire...
[ Voiceover ] Claire: *sighs* Oh Nico. My dream girl…
Ruby: Now that is a touch more alluring! C’mon.
Ruby: Let’s get this party started!
Claire: *sigh* Fiiinnne...
Ruby: YIEEESSSSS!!!
Claire: *whispers* Jesus… kay.
Ruby: Give us uh... a Baba special.
[ Claire says what she thinks means "cheers" in Macedonian. ]
Ruby: Sure!
Claire: *teensy cough*
Ruby: Fuck yeah... another!
Claire: I think one was good enough…
Ruby: *belch*
*adorable bestie laughs*
Claire: This is really enough…
[ ERMAGAWD WE MADE A SHOW ]
[ Semi Creepy Ethereal Music ]
[ Voice Over ] Random Lady: My name is Madame Sonnom...
Psychic Advisor...
and seer of all.
With my mystical online sessions,
I can help you reawaken your fate!
So call me… and wake up!
WAKE UP!!!
[ Cell Phone Ringtone + Vibrating ]
Claire: Hello?
Claire: Wait, what?
Claire: Haven’t paid rent since when?
Claire: Okay...
Claire: Fuck!
Claire: *scoffs*
[ Voice Over ] Claire: So there we were...
hung over and penniless.
Groggy Rubez: It’s much too early to hate the day…
[ Voice Over ] Claire: And we had a month to make 4000 bucks or —
Claire: EVICTION, RUBY!
Claire: They don’t have kombucha in homeless shelters.
Ruby: Fiiiiine-uuuhh!
Ruby:Sorry I let my excitement about your gift,
once again, overpower my ability to make rational, adult decisions.
Claire: You’re working on it.
Ruby: You know what?
It’s actually your birthday now…
Claire: Great.
[ Saucily Singing ] Ruby: Happy… birthday…
tooo yooou.
Ruby: Happy…
Claire: Okaaay…
Ruby: Birthday…
Crystal Ball: *space ship like sound*
Claire: I hate this so much. *through laughter* Please Stop.
[ Voice Over ] Claire: Shit was about to get weird!
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