this is actually my second time filming this video the first time i just i don't know i just
got too nervous and i was staring at the camera the entire time like and i just felt like there
was just too much tension and it was awkward and it just made me sad to watch back the footage so
i'm like i'm gonna try it one more time before we get into this video i would like to put a trigger
warning for the following issues if you don't feel comfortable with any of these things i suggest you
do not watch this video put your mental health first i am totally fine with you just skipping
a video and i'll see you next time if you're worried about me just know everything's okay
i went through some things but it's better now and i'm okay now i've been wanting to make this video
for quite a while but to be quite honest with you i've just been too scared to make this video but
at the end of the day i have a lot of subscribers and people who watch my videos who enjoy me and
want to know about a life update and i think it's important that i'm honest and open and i tell you
guys you know what's been going on because it relates directly to my channel now whenever
you look back on my videos from 2018 2019 i think it's no surprise that my videos now in 2020 look
drastically different and not only do they look different but i look different i sound different
the video subjects are different than what they used to be and what you guys didn't know is that
during 2018 2019 i think those were literally like my most successful years on youtube i was growing
very quickly that's when i hit like over a million subscribers i was getting a lot of views
at one point i was literally averaging like a million views a day and my channel was doing
very very well well beyond my most like wild dreams and i was uploading constantly on my
channel never miss anything over 10 days i never went over 10 days without uploading and i'm sure
looking from the outside looking in i'm sure it absolutely looked great you know like i'm sure
it looked like everything was going completely smooth but what you guys didn't know is that in
2018 2019 my mental health was just absolutely in the [ __ ] gutter during that time i put in
i put myself under just like this insane amount of pressure where i i convinced myself that like
literally and i still struggle with this but like nothing will ever be good enough like you have to
work harder you have to do more more and more more more more and more and more like i didn't
need sleep i didn't need to take care of my body i didn't take care of everything i just needed
to work work work work and as a result of not being able to cope correctly i developed very bad
disordered eating is what i'll call it just like very problematic habits and i started to
binge eat and that's something i've never even told my mom and i'm telling you guys
right now but um it was weird because i would like binge eat as a way to like reward myself
but at the same time punish myself like i liked the initial serotonin boost that it gave
and then i would just like eat so much that would make me physically ill my self-esteem would fall
to the floor and have physical symptoms of tired bloated i would literally eat until
uh projected outwards if you know what i mean okay um this is a great example of my binge eating
um it's embarrassing and right now it's currently 11 o'clock at night and i just tore through
a whole entire order of breadsticks a whole entire large pizza except for that and what's left of
that and i feel like crap and i can't breathe my stomach hurts my anxiety is up the roof um
my weight probably is gonna go up i'm bloated and just in general i'm like in a really unhappy sad
mood but yeah um it sucks so bad i don't know why i do this to myself it's but yeah i'm literally
gonna go hide the evidence for now because my boyfriend is working nights tonight and i'm gonna
hide all this evidence and pretend like nothing ever happened because i have issues with food
and i guess like the first step is just being open and honest and here's me being open and honest
and um i would hide from my family i would lie to everybody i would like literally buy food
and hide it and i would eat my car alone and i isolated myself a lot from my friends and i
wouldn't ever see anybody or go anywhere and as a result of these problems i started gaining a lot
of weight and it was hard for me it was like hard for my body to be able to keep up with this like
i don't know what to call it like i don't want to say addiction or whatever it was but like it
was ruining my life and i couldn't stop doing it i became incredibly depressed every time i
would binge eat i would my self-esteem would get lower and lower and lower and it was just
like this endless cycle of just guilt and hatred towards myself and to be quite honest with you i
didn't even think i needed to like i didn't even think i was worthy of going to therapy
you know i all i cared about was what people thought about me i would face tune my pictures
so i would look like a skinny person that i didn't look like like wear all kinds of like clothes that
would like try to hide it and all i did was like just put myself under an immense amount of stress
to like try to cover up this problem that i didn't address the main thing it was like i was putting
a band-aid over a giant open wound and obviously that wasn't gonna work my self-esteem got so low
that i convinced myself that nobody likes me nobody loves me everybody's lying to me my own
family i don't think they like me just everybody like friends everybody i was just fully convinced
that nobody could possibly like me how could anyone else like me if i don't even like myself
i know i should be like proud of myself where i'm at now but it's hard for me to watch a lot
of those old videos because all i think about is just like that dark time that i was in as far as
like my videos go the way this portrays to it is that i just feel like i was just constantly like
work work work work work doing whatever it takes to just get that like success i guess you can say
i was just doing whatever whatever it took and it was just nasty because it was like this endless
cycle of nothing is ever good enough you know and every time i would go hang out with my friends or
i would go see like my other youtube friends or collab or whatever i was just miserable the entire
time from wearing spandex and trying to hide the fact that i like would binge eat when they would
all go to sleep and get sick the next day and my joints would ache and i was just in such a bad
bad position and i would say that my content was focused more towards like a younger audience than
me like i was trying to be like really proper and not you know swear or not make any scandalous
references or anything like that and really just like hold back my true self because i was just
too afraid what's up guys it's super radizal here welcome back to my channel so i don't know why but
yeah i don't know if anybody could tell watching those videos like how i would i do want to say
like sick mentally physically i was just very very just sick i was like just not doing very
well at all everything was just so just bad you know and so i denied it for a really long time
and i did whatever i could to just basically lie to myself and not face the truth and i lived like
that i lived like that from 2018 2019 and up until quarantine of 2020. during quarantine i was very
scared obviously i was like nervous about what was gonna happen and i'm sure you guys remember like
it was just nervous nobody knew about this new thing that was coming out and and so literally
for the rest of 2020 except maybe i think three times like i hardly ever went out at all for
during quarantine and during that time i had a lot of time to be home alone no people no friends just
me my thoughts in a mirror and for the first time in a long time i really had time to like reflect
on myself and because i was so bored you know and i thought about how i don't want to be like this
anymore like i thought about how much i dislike myself and how i want to change and during that
time as you guys know that's when i first like started changing my makeup to like a different
look i started dyeing my hair black and amping up my quality of videos with like fancy b-roll
and fancy lighting i just slowly started trying to do little things for myself you know just to like
give me like that bare minimum of love and i started doing a lot of research on like self-help
and how to break these cycles of just negative hurtful problems that i was having and and i
started like going on a diet and learning about health and trying to improve my social skills and
i just went through a huge change and just maturing a lot and fast forward to now in 2022 i'm
not saying i'm 100% better or anything like that but i'm doing a lot better mentally spiritually
physically lost weight i mean i could always lose some more but you know doing really really well
getting myself in order got a therapist bought a house and i've just been doing really really
well lately and for the first time the other day it was actually like during christmas i had my
family over and for like a brief moment for like literally the first time in like years years years
like i was sitting there like with my family and the dog and fireplace and i was just thinking to
myself that this is like literally the first time that i've been able to feel like self peace like
inner peace you know like this is a really weird feeling because it always feels like there's a
battle going on and it was it was cute it was beautiful it was a beautiful beautiful moment
and this actually leads me to the second thing that i want to talk about which is why
i don't upload as frequently as i used to i know a lot of youtubers you know not saying i'm like
a big youtuber or anything but i know like really big youtubers like they get super successful and
then they they have their money they don't want to be talking to your youtube camera anymore you know
i just want to say it's not like that at all i absolutely enjoy doing youtube videos i love
you guys being here but as of recently i've decided that it's no longer worth it to run
myself ragged to try to get a youtube video out all the way from 2016 all the way till mid 2020 i
for that whole entire four years straight i never went more than two days without uploading a video
even when my brother passed away i took i think 12 days off after like one of the most monumental
heartbreaking traumatizing things that ever happened to me i didn't even take time off
because i mean i was just so i mean i did a little bit but i immediately started worrying about work
again you know and my mindset for a really long time was just to be scared of the algorithm scared
of what's happening scared of people leaving and not being interested anymore scared of not being
able to please the youtube gods and just hurry up and get the video out and as soon as that one's
out then get the next one get the next one get the next it's like this never ending cycle and i
can't even begin to tell you how many times that i've said no to family events to hanging out with
my friends to just like enjoying my day there's been points in my life where i just not really
enjoyed making youtube videos because i'm so like ugh here we go again making another one and so as
of lately i've just come to the conclusion that like i want to make the best possible videos that
i can make even if that means like taking my time like i think that people would rather wait 15 days
for one really good video as opposed to like 10 crap videos i think if i put my all into a video
and like it's something i'm passionate about and excited about and has a good result that i
took my time and like really enjoyed getting the shots and the angles and making it look aesthetic
and fun and have like the highest quality products that i can and when i say products i mean like my
equipment uh things like that you know just try to make a good video i would rather have
something that makes an impact than rather than just like money grab and so yeah i just really
want to tell everybody it's absolutely not that i don't want to be here it's absolutely not you guys
it's absolutely not that i (don't) enjoy making youtube videos or anything like that it's because i have
been focusing on enjoying my life and enjoying the process of making youtube videos and enjoying
enjoying everything and the last thing that i wanted to let you guys know is that i think i
talked about it a couple of times on my channel but i never gave you guys the full scoop of
everything um but last year during 2021 i was very sick and i tried to really hide it and mask it but
i was really really sick in 21. they never found out what it was they thought maybe like gastritis
maybe gallstones maybe they don't know they never found out but basically i was sick pretty much
literally all the way from march all the way until december early january just sick with a stomach
problem i couldn't bend over i couldn't literally eat anything besides like three things which were
like a smoothie and avocados and rice and just like very plain food i would cry all the time
in bed for days literally there was a point in time where i was just in bed for like a week
straight cause i was in so much pain and as a result of all that i wasn't able to upload a lot during
2021 as well and it's kind of funny because as soon as i got the self-love then like bam i got
hit with health problems so i couldn't do what i wanted to do and by the way yes i did try to go
to the doctor but because the medical situation is not the best right now in new mexico or anywhere
i wasn't able to even though i went to the doctor in august i wasn't able to see the
specialist until december 28th and by that point i was already feeling much better so anyway
fast forward to now what does all of this mean i just want to say guys that like i said earlier in
this video i am in a really great place in my life i'm feeling so much better than i did this is the
happiest that i've been in a really long long time even though the world is on fire everything sucks
i'm still actually really happy in my life right now there's a quote from manny mua that's like
even though my social blade is in the red if you don't know what social blade is it's like
it measures how well your channel's doing it's a website even though my social blade is in
the red my social life is in the green and that's exactly how i feel right now like it's weird to be
so happy you know i was just so miserable in 2019 i never i literally thought that i would
never be able to find like inner peace and most importantly i just want to say thank you thank
you for sticking by me throughout this entire time thank you for watching my videos giving them likes
thank you for sticking through the dark times the good times thank you so much for being in this
journey of art and life and how weird everything is and fun and beautiful and crazy just thank you
and as cheesy as it sounds just know that you're never alone the bad times will pass better days
will come and with that being said i hope you have a good one and i will see you guys next video bye