OTHER GUYS ASK ME AFTER THE SHOWS ABOUT LIGAMENTS.
I'M A GODDAMN LIGAMENT EXPERT, YOU UNDERSTAND?
YOUR WHOLE BODY IS FULL--
WHEN I TELL YOUR BODY-- FELLAS, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT
FELLAS AND LIGAMENTS.
YOUR WHOLE BODY IS LOADED WITH LIGAMENTS, FELLAS.
RIGHT?
YOU GOT A LIGAMENT THAT SEPARATES
YOUR BALLS AND YOUR ASSHOLE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
THERE'S A LIGAMENT THAT RUNS RIGHT HERE, RIGHT HERE,
BETWEEN HERE.
PUT YOUR HAND DOWN THERE, FEEL RIGHT NOW.
PUT YOUR HAND DOWN THERE, FELLAS.
PUT YOUR HAND--PUT YOUR HAND DOWN THERE, FEEL IT.
IT SEPARATES YOUR BALLS AND YOUR ASSHOLE.
IT'S A LITTLE PIECE OF LIGAMENT, LOOK AT ME, RIGHT THERE.
IT'S A LITTLE PIECE OF LIGAMENT THAT SEPARATES THESE TWO.
RIGHT? THAT'S HOW YOUR BODY'S DESIGNED.
YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE A LITTLE SPACE THERE.
YOU CAN'T JUST GO BALLS AND ASSHOLE.
YOU CAN'T JUST GO STRAIGHT TO BALLS AND ASSHOLE,
RIGHT? YOUR BALLS--
YOUR BALLS CANNOT BE TOO CLOSE TO YOUR ASSHOLE.
YOU'LL FUCK AROUND AND SHIT YOUR NUTS OUT,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THIS IS CALLED THE SPRING LIGAMENT.
THE SPRING LIGAMENT, THE SPRING LIGAMENT.
THIS LIGAMENT RIGHT HERE IS THE SPRING LIGAMENT, UNDERSTAND?
RIGHT?
WHEN YOU USE THIS LIGAMENT RIGHT HERE,
THIS IS CALLED--
THIS LIGAMENT GIVES YOU THE LIFT.
IT PICKS YOUR JOHNSON UP.
SOMEBODY GOTTA PICK YOUR JOHNSON UP.
THINK THAT BLOOD'S THAT DAMN STRONG TO PICK YOUR JOHNSON UP?
THE BLOOD GETS IT HARD.
BUT THE SPRING LIGAMENT LIFTS IT UP, YOU UNDERSTAND?
ALL THE GUYS DON'T EVEN KNOW IT'S DOWN THERE.
YOU NEVER KNOW IT'S DOWN THERE TILL YOU GET TENDER ONE DAY,
LIKE, OW, WHAT I DO LAST-- OOH, OOH.
YOU HAVING ROUGH-ASS SEX AND YOU REALIZE
SOMETHING AIN'T RIGHT RIGHT THERE.
ANYBODY EVER GET THAT FEELING? ANY GUYS?
LIKE, "OOH, WHAT I DO RIGHT THERE?
WHAT I DO? WHAT I DO?"
YOU DOING SOME ACROBATIC STUFF, YOU'RE ALL--
YOU'RE TRYING SOMETHING FUNKY, SOMETHING CRAZY.
YOU TRYING TO DO SOMETHING CRAZY,
AND YOU PULL THAT LITTLE PIECE OF LIGAMENT RIGHT THERE,
YOU PULL IT.
SHE DONE MESSED YOUR DAMN LIGAMENT UP.
YOU IN THE BATHROOM LIKE, "OW, OW, WHAT THE HELL SHE DO?
"OW, IT'S TENDER, IT'S TENDER.
"IT'S TENDER.
OW, IT'S TENDER."
YOU WALK IN THAT BEDROOM. YOUR LADY'S ON THE BED.
SHE'S LIKE, "MM, WHERE YOU BEEN AT? COME ON."
YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, SHIT."
'CAUSE NOW YOU AIN'T GOT NO DAMN LIFT.
THE BLOOD CAME TO WORK,
YOUR JOHNSON HARD AS A ROCK.
BUT IT'S AIMED TO THE DAMN GROUND LIKE THAT.
LIKE THAT.
YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, MAN, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?"
SHE'S LIKE, "COME ON, BABY,
WHAT YOU DOING? COME ON."
OH, SHIT.
NOW YOU GOTTA THINK, THINK, THINK, THINK, THINK.
YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE LOVE TO YOUR LADY SOMEHOW.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO? WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO?
HOW YOU GONNA--
YOU GOTTA TURN YOUR LADY UPSIDE DOWN.
YOU GOTTA POGO-STICK THAT ASS.
TAKE CARE OF YOUR DAMN LADY.
RIGHT? TAKE CARE OF YOUR DAMN LADY.
THIS YOUR LADY RIGHT HERE, PLAYBOY?
TAKE CARE OF YOUR DAMN LADY, MAN.
TAKE CARE OF YOUR LADY.
HE GONNA TOUCH HER TOO. MM-HMM.
[laughs]
AWW, LOOK AT HIM.
[audience awws]
THEY'RE SO CUTE.
YOU BUY NICE THINGS, PERFUME, THAT KIND OF STUFF?
DON'T YOU EVER BUY NO PERFUME!
A MAN CAN'T BUY A LADY PERFUME, PLAYBOY.
YOU KNOW WHY? LET ME TELL YOU WHY.
IT TAKES WOMEN A THOUSAND YEARS
TO FIND THE RIGHT FRAGRANCE THAT SMELLS GOOD ON THEM.
PERFUME AIN'T SHIT. YOU UNDERSTAND?
PERFUME IS NOT WHAT MAKES YOUR LADY SMELL GOOD.
YOUR LADY MAKES YOUR LADY SMELL GOOD.
EVERY LADY HAS THEIR OWN NATURAL CHEMISTRY.
YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?
NEXT TIME YOU'RE WALKING DOWN IN TIMES SQUARE, RIGHT,
NEXT TIME YOU IN TIMES SQUARE, EVERY LADY YOU WALK BY,
JUST LICK THEIR FACE.
YOU'RE GOING TO GO TO JAIL, BUT...
YOU WILL FIND OUT THAT EVERY LADY TASTES A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
YOU UNDERSTAND?
ALL YOU CAN DO IS GO IN THAT DAMN CABINET--
THAT'S ALL YOU CAN DO IS GO IN THE CABINET,
SEE WHAT'S ALMOST EMPTY,
TAKE IT, LOOK AT IT,
AND GO AND BUY MORE OF THE STUFF THAT SHE USED UP ALREADY.
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
YOU COME BACK, YOU GIVE HER THAT DAMN PERFUME
THAT SHE'S ALMOST EMPTY ON,
I'M TELLING YOU, YOU'RE GONNA GET A PIECE OF ASS.
SHE'S GONNA BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,
"YOU ARE PAYING ATTENTION TO ME.
"YOU WENT IN THE CABINET AND FOUND WHAT WAS EMPTY.
"OH, MY GOD, I LOVE YOU.
I FREAKING LOVE YOU, YOU KNOW THAT?"
BUT, SEE, NOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITH THIS LADY,
'CAUSE SHE JUST HEARD ME.
YOUR NEXT GIRLFRIEND...
ALL I BUY MY WIFE-- LET ME TELL YOU.
ALL I BUY-- I'M SMART.
ALL I BUY IS THINGS I KNOW SHE LOVES.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
ALL I BUY IS, LIKE, HIGH HEEL STILETTOS.
THAT'S THE SEXIEST SHIT IN THE FUCKING WORLD.
RIGHT?
WHEN A LADY KNOWS HOW TO WORK THEM DAMN HIGH HEELED SHOES,
THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE.
THIS IS HOW MY WIFE WALKS AROUND THE HOUSE.
I CAUGHT HER SLINKING AROUND THE DAMN HOUSE,
SHE WAS SLINKING LIKE THIS.
THAT'S CALLED SLINKING AROUND THE DAMN HO--LOOK AT THIS SHIT.
I'M A GROWN-ASS MAN, AND I FEEL SEXY RIGHT NOW.
LOOK AT THIS.
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT MY WIFE GOT ON.
PUT THEM GODDAMN SHOES ON.
MY WIFE CAN HAVE ON SHOULDER PADS AND A BABY DIAPER,
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
PUT THEM DAMN SHOES ON.
SHE CAN HAVE ON A WHOLE-- A BEEKEEPER OUTFIT,
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
[imitating bees buzzing]
I'M LIKE, LOOK AT THAT LADY,
WORKING THEM GODDAMN SHOES. LOOK AT HER WORK THEM SHOES.
[buzzing]
OOH, THAT'S SEXY! [imitates buzzing]
I DON'T KNOW A MAN IN HERE
WHO'S TURNED ON BY A LADY WALKING AROUND
WITH HER LAZY ASS IN SOME DAMN FLIP-FLOPS.
THAT'S THE LAZIEST SHIT.
YOU COME HOME FROM A HARD-ASS DAY AT WORK,
YOU WORKED YOUR ASS OFF.
YOU WALK IN THE DAMN HOUSE, SHE WALK UP TO YOU,
"HEY, BABY, WHAT'S UP?"
WITH THAT STUPID-ASS FLIP-FLOP FACE.
YOU KNOW THAT FLIP-FLOP FACE?
SHE LIKE...
I BUST MY ASS ALL DAY FOR THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE?