Vanessa Marin: What comes to mind when you hear the word
orgasm? Does it make you feel uncomfortable or ashamed? Do you know how female orgasm
works or does the whole process feel baffling to you? Are you still waiting to have your
first orgasm or do you struggle to orgasm consistently on your own or with your partner?
Vanessa Marin: Hey there, I'm Vanessa Marin. I'm a licensed
psychotherapist and I've spent the last 15 years specializing in sex and relationship
therapy. I've served as a featured expert for magazines and websites like The New York
Times, O, The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, and many more. And I'm also the creator of
Finishing School, an online course that has taught thousands of women how to have their
first orgasms ever, and how to orgasm consistently with a partner too. I have also had my own
struggles with orgasm. So I know just how frustrating it can be.
Vanessa Marin: In this video, I'm going to reveal six surprising
lessons I've learned as a sex therapist teaching women how to orgasm. If you want to learn
how to orgasm once and for all, all of the lessons in this video are going to be pretty
eyeopening for you on your orgasmic journey. But even if you already know how to orgasm,
these lessons may surprise you.
Vanessa Marin: Surprising orgasm lesson number one, so many
women do not know how to orgasm on their own or with their partners. Now, we don't have
great research on anything female orgasm related, but most researchers agree that about 10%
to 15% of women have never had an orgasm. There are also tons of women who can orgasm
on their own, but aren't able to get there with a partner. So, 10% to 15% is a lot of
women, right? But every woman that I've ever worked with has felt like she must be the
only woman in the world who can't have reliable orgasms. I know when I was struggling with
my own orgasm, I felt that exact same thing.
Vanessa Marin: Now, why don't we realize how big of an issue
this really is is because women feel enormous pressure to orgasm, so they end up faking
it, or they just never talk about their struggles. I'd even go so far as to say that there are
more faked orgasms than there are real ones. When I was struggling with my orgasm, I definitely
contributed a lot of faked orgasms to that. But a lot of women also feel like they can't
talk to even their closest girlfriends about their orgasmic challenges, which contributes
to us feeling super alone in our struggles and this idea that there aren't that many
women out there who are struggling with orgasm. Now, by the way, if you are ready to stop
faking orgasms and start having real ones, make sure to check out my in-depth video,
The Ultimate Guide To Female Orgasm, which I will pop right up here.
Vanessa Marin: Surprising orgasm lesson number two, more
media coverage makes women feel worse. Now, if you've had access to the internet over
the last few years, you've undoubtedly seen female orgasm getting talked about a lot more
frequently. Now, it's great to see female orgasm getting the attention that it deserves,
but one really surprising bit of feedback that I've gotten from my clients is that the
more they see orgasms covered in the media, the worst they actually feel. Now, the problem
is that almost none of these articles that you'll see online even acknowledge that so
many women have a hard time orgasming, but even more importantly than that, they never
give genuinely helpful tips for learning how to orgasm. It's always the same thing over
and over again. Just relax. Don't think about it. Just let it happen. So without solid instructions,
without any actual useful information, having all these articles out there just makes women
feel like orgasm is something that they should have already figured out on their own. If
it's as simple as just relaxing, it makes you feel really guilty that you haven't been
able to get there yet.
Vanessa Marin: Surprising orgasm lesson number three, our
orgasmic challenges began during childhood. Okay, so we have got to talk about something
uncomfortable, childhood masturbation. Yep, I said it. So here's the thing. As children,
we all get the message that masturbation is wrong and bad. But there's so much more of
a boys will be boys type of attitude around male masturbation, especially around puberty.
It's just seen as so much more acceptable for boys to masturbate. So the overwhelming
majority of boys spend years getting themselves off before they become sexually active. They
get this opportunity to explore and discover exactly what their bodies respond to. Now,
girls on the other hand are sent much harsher messages about masturbation, so we just don't
get that chance to learn what we like. By the time we become old enough to be concerned
about orgasm, we feel like we've already missed the boat. We feel embarrassed by not knowing
how to masturbate or whether it's even okay to masturbate, so we just don't do it.
Vanessa Marin: Surprising orgasm lesson number four, we're
more concerned with our partners' egos than with our own pleasure. So when I first launched
my online orgasm course, Finishing School, I thought that women would sign up because
they wanted the experience of having an orgasm. But if there's one lesson that has stunned
me more than any other, it's that there are so many women who are more concerned about
giving their partners the experience of making her orgasm than they are about actually having
the orgasms themselves. So I'd estimate that a good third of the women who registered for
Finishing School give wanting to make their partner feel better as their primary reason
for signing up for the course. So I hear things like, "My partner just gets so frustrated
with me," or, "I just want my partner to have that confidence." I've even heard, "My partner
is going to leave me if I can't figure this out."
Vanessa Marin: Now don't get me wrong. I am happy to teach
women how to orgasm for whatever reason, but I will be honest and say that this lesson
really bummed me out. I think it just goes to show how much we as women are socialized
to care about other people more than we care about ourselves. So if wanting to learn how
to orgasm so you can make your partner feel better is the only way to open the door to
you exploring your orgasm or the fastest way to open that door, I'll take it and I'll teach
you. But I also want you to learn along the way that you deserve to have orgasms for yourself.
Vanessa Marin: Surprising orgasm lesson number five, no two
orgasms are alike. One of my favorite parts of my job has been learning about all of the
different ways that women experienced orgasm. I've heard from women who cried during orgasm,
women who get a case of the giggles, women who fell in love, women who felt full body
waves of ecstasy, women who felt one explosive pop, women who squirted. Orgasms truly are
like snowflakes. No two are alike. I know how dorky this sounds, but I just think this
range of human experience is so cool.
Vanessa Marin: Surprising orgasm lesson number six, orgasm
shouldn't be the main goal. Even though I've made it my life's work to teach women all
about orgasms, my true focus has been to transform women's relationships with pleasure in a much
broader sense. Now, orgasms are great, do not get me wrong, but they only last for so
long, right? So I teach women all these other lessons, like how to feel excited about exploring
their bodies, I help them gain confidence and understanding and asking for their own
needs. I show them how to be more present and focused in the moment and soak up every
little ounce of pleasure. And I love it when women share stories with me about all of the
other fun stuff that can come out of sex aside from just orgasm. Laughing, experiencing connection,
being playful, feeling authentic, and throwing inhibitions to the wind. Orgasm is the cherry
on the top of that sundae, but sundae can be pretty damn tasty even without it.
Vanessa Marin: So that wraps up six surprising lessons I've
learned from years of teaching women how to orgasm. If you like this video, please give
it a like, or better yet, comment down below if any of these lessons surprised you. Make
sure to subscribe to my YouTube channel for even more free resources. And I have a gift
for you. If you are a woman struggling with orgasm, you are definitely going to want to
check out my free guide, The Best Way To Have Your First Orgasm. I reveal the most successful
way to have an orgasm according to scientific research. Click the link in the description
box below to download. Thanks for watching, and I'll see you next time. Six surprising
lessons that I've learned as a [inaudible 00:09:00]. What is that?