-Well, you guys, yesterday the Writers Guild
voted to ratify a new contract with the studios,
bringing an end to the five-month-long writers strike.
We've been back at work for a few days, but now it's official.
And after a long summer of picketing and chanting,
it makes sense that they're exhausted.
And writing jokes is hard work.
They have to write hundreds, hundreds of jokes every day
just to get the 10 or 12 we use in the monologue.
And honestly, a lot of the jokes they write just aren't good.
[ Laughter ]
Sometimes I think they throw in a few stinkers on purpose
just to fill the page and meet the assignment.
But just because we support labor movements,
that doesn't mean we can tolerate laziness,
which means it's time for another surprise inspection.
[ Fanfare ]
So here's how this works.
I'm going to read some real jokes
that were really submitted by my writers.
Paid writers, paid better than ever before.
[ Laughter ]
That are unusable for the show. Some are dumb.
Some are offensive. Some are just insane.
Most importantly, the writers don't know we're doing this.
And because a lot of them don't watch the show,
they'll never know.
[ Laughter ]
So let's get started.
It was announced last week that Usher will headline next year's
Super Bowl halftime show. Okay.
But who will help everyone find their seats?
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Matt wrote that joke.
[ Laughter ]
And he was unaware
we were doing something called "Surprise Inspection"
when he took the photo. That's why he's smiling.
According to the personal finance website WalletHub,
Orlando is the best foodie city in the country.
Guys, it's expensive, but it's soooo worth it.
[ Laughter, groaning ]
Mike Scollins wrote that joke.
Mike Scollins is what's known as a bad guy.
He's a bad guy who writes jokes
that don't make people laugh or make them happy.
It makes them think, "Oh, my God, they are eating..."
[ Laughter ]
"They're eating Shamu." That's the kind of joke.
But, you know, let's not forget, going back to Goldich's jokes,
there's not ushers at football games.
[ Laughter ]
How do they find their seats? With the [bleep] ticket number.
[ Laughter ]
Also Usher. So there's one usher for the whole --
One guy running around.
[ Laughter ]
Today was musician Sting's 72nd birthday.
And while he started his party today,
he probably won't finish till tomorrow.
Now, that joke is dependent on you
knowing that Sting practices tantric sex.
[ Laughter ]
Obviously, you guys don't know that.
It's literally all Ally talks about.
[ Laughter ]
We stopped playing Sting music in the office
because if you do, she just is like,
"Do you guys know --" and we're like, "Alright."
[ Laughter ]
Excuse me, guys.
I cough when things are going really well.
[ Laughter ]
Eggo has released a new maple syrup-flavored milk,
or, as it's known in Canada, breast milk.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah. It's that dude.
Authorities in Indianapolis
recently captured an escaped pet monkey
that was spotted drinking a beer out of a garbage can.
The monkey's name is Slurrious George.
[ Laughter ]
Ian wrote that joke.
And that's the face he makes when he writes one.
Do you get it?
[ Laughter ]
"It's based on Curious George." Yeah. We get it.
This next one is an Ian joke as well.
And I'm confident you're going to think
Slurrious George is the best of his work.
[ Laughter ]
We're going to all long for Slurrious George
in a moment.
Florida wildlife officials were recently called to a yacht club
after a bear was spotted on a docked sailboat.
Officials gave the bear a stern talking to
and then another one on the bow.
[ Audience groans ]
So, so a [bleep] bear...
[ Laughter ]
...who was on a boat, and Ian's take on that
was not to make a joke about the bear part,
but just that there's a bow and a stern on a boat.
[ Laughter ]
A bear. A bear was on a boat.
He didn't think there would be a joke in that.
[ Laughter ]
I know exactly how it happened.
He was like -- Well, show him.
[ Laughter ]
A cheese delivery service in Florida
recently set the Guinness World Record
for world's largest charcuterie board.
And then to celebrate, they threw a huge pate.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Alright, You know what? You got six claps.
Let's see who it was. Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You're off a roll.
Customs officials at a Minnesota airport
recently confiscated a box of giraffe poop
from an international traveler.
Apparently, she tried to bring it
into the duty[doody]-free shop.
[ Laughter ]
That's Brian, everybody.
And would you believe -- this is going to shock you --
His best friend on staff is Ian.
[ Laughter ]
A truck in Ontario, Canada -- A truck in Ontario, Canada,
yesterday spilled a load of produce across the highway.
Said the driver, "Oh, no.
They're going to garnish my celery [salary]."
[ Laughter ]
So they went on strike. They walked around.
[ Laughter ]
They walked around buildings like this one.
Like, "What are you going to do without us?"
[ Laughter ]
That was Brian again.
We make him and Ian share a desk.
[ Laughter ]
Princess Kate Middleton participated last week
in a wheelchair rugby game.
"Aww, it wasn't for real?" asked Meghan.
[ Audience oohs ]
If you've been paying attention, you know that's this guy.
[ Laughter ]
The deputy mayor of Paris last week
addressed the widespread rise of bedbugs across the city
and said, "No one is safe."
So before asking someone "voulez vous coucher avec moi,"
ask yourself, "Itchy, itchy, ya ya da da."
[ Laughter ]
Okay. Credit where credit is due.
Congratulations, Matt. You earned your smile, buddy.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I would not have guessed that that was
going to be our heavy hitter.
In honor of Halloween, Burger King has reintroduced
a Whopper with an orange bun and black sesame seeds
while McDonald's is celebrating
by leaving the corpses in the ball pit.
[ Laughter ]
He was our strike captain.
He was out there every day this summer.
And let me just say, as our strike captain,
you did a fantastic job, buddy.
Congratulations on everything you did.
Thank you for getting us out,
getting the writing staff of this show out there every day.
And it is wonderful to have them all back.
And look, they can't all be fastballs,
but it is great to have this writing staff back with us.
This has been "Surprise Inspection."
[ Fanfare ]