Yelling nagging threatening pleading isn't going to do anything except slow down the
process if you have an addicted loved one and you really want them to change
you've got to stop trying those tactics and so I know you know it doesn't work
but don't worry in this video I'm going to tell you exactly what does and will work
for those of you who don't know me I'm Amber Hollingsworth and I've been treating people
who have addictions for 20 years now I know it's a long time right and I've learned a lot over those
20 years a lot about how to get someone out of denial how people are thinking and feeling how
to remove roadblocks basically help people make the decision to turn their life around
and I'm here to help teach you all of those things that I've learned now I know it's hard
to not yell threaten nag plead all that stuff it's an emotional reaction and I
feel this same way in fact even after doing this for so long I still have the urge to
do that I have to really fight it all and every now and then it still sneaks through
but the next time you're doing it here's the image I want you to have in your head I want you to
remember this moment you see this plant right here this is my plant I've had this plant for a long
time if you've been in my office before you might have seen this plant if you noticed this plant
leans a good bit to the right and the program like how long get this plant to straighten up
now let's try this technique let's see what happens plant you look dumb leaning over
like that everyone thinks you're an idiot for that if you just stand up straight and
tall you'd look a lot nicer if you don't straighten up I'm not going to let you be
in my office anymore if you keep leaning over like that you're going to break your branches
what's wrong with you stand up straight nah as you could imagine that's not very effective not only
is it not effective to try to yell nag threaten and plead for this plant to straighten up it's
also not going to help for you to get your loved one to straighten up only when it comes to a human
being it's going to be a lot worse because they're not just going to ignore you like the plant will
they're going to actually run and get as far away from you as possible and if they
can't physically get far away from you they're going to emotionally get far away from you now
you want to know what might be a better strategy a better strategy might be this
a better strategy might be for me to come over here and open the window shade on the
left side of this plant because this is where the light and the nutrients are coming from
and if I just let the light in guess what's going to happen to this plant
that's right it's going to start leaning a little bit more to the
left because that's where the good stuff is coming from okay obviously with humans it's
a little bit more complicated than opening the shade but it's a very similar concept
addiction counselors actually use a specialized motivational type technique it's actually not that
hard to learn in fact anybody can do it but you have to learn how to listen for the right things
people that have addiction problems they naturally feel two ways about the issue they naturally have
part of them that doesn't want to change and they have another part of them that does want to change
we call that ambivalence feelings on both sides and it is completely normal
it's just that when you hear your loved one make statements about wanting to stay
the same which is what we call sustained talk meaning sustain the same way that I
am already I don't want to change it freaks you out and you panic and that
might trigger you into yelling nagging threatening pleading all that stuff
but remember when you do that picture me yelling at this plant nah is not going to work and just
remember having a part of you that doesn't want to change is normal and natural what you want to
focus on is listening for that part that does want to change because there's almost always a part of
someone that does want to change and they'll actually make statements out loud about it
we call that change talk it's just that you got to learn how to recognize change talk when
you hear it now there's a good acronym to help you remember what change talk sounds like it's
called Darn D A R N and most recently they've added a few little things at the end and now
they call it darn cat and don't worry I'll tell you what the C a T stands for as well
now the D stands for desire I wish I could just put all this behind me or
I'd like to be able to cut back my drinking or I wish I could just stop smoking all of
those are statements about desire now the other thing that you want to listen for is
ability because when you get the desire to change matched up with the ability to change
now we're getting somewhere ability statements sound something like I could I can or I might
be able to these are statements that suggest that the person is thinking about can they
actually make these changes and what changes should they make do they have
the ability to do that it's all about do they have the ability to make the changes
for example I could call up my cousin he got sober two years ago he might
have some good advice for me or I might be able to stop smoking on my own or I
can just stop buying the alcohol at the grocery store and then it won't be in the
house those are all statements about ability now the R stands for reasons
so we've got the desire to change the ability to change and we throw on some reasons now
we're cooking with gas reasons why they want to change and those statements sound something
like I would feel better if or I really should I think things might really improve if those are all
reasons and most of the time reasons are internal reasons about why you might want to make a change
you might physically feel better relationships might be better you
might be more productive at work you might feel less crappy all of those things would
be reason statements but the N stands for needs now needs is very similar to reason
means I need to change but the difference is needs tend to be external reasons
now some people say external reasons aren't good reasons change only internal reasons
but that's not true both are very important in fact most desire to change starts from
external reasons and then eventually moves to internal reasons so don't let the external
part bother You need statements often sound like I ought to I have to or I really should
so the main things you're listening for are desire ability reasons and need the
more of those kind of statements that you hear the more the person is motivated to
make a change those are the seeds that you want to grow helping someone find recovery
is like nurturing little seeds you want to find what's already there pour some water
on it maybe even some miracle grow but there's got to be something there that you're nurturing
now I'm going to tell you what the C a t stands for but before I do that I will tell you that I
know I'm giving you a lot of information here and it's probably hard to remember so to help
you remember I've got it all written down for you in fact I'm going to put a link in
the description where you can actually watch me have one of these types of sessions with
somebody and then you'll get an email later that has a handout that has all
this stuff written down for you so you don't have to remember it all now the C
A T all of those have to do with willingness statements this is more about the action is
starting to happen so the D A R N is the sort of just is what happens right before
before the action happens and then the C A T is when we actually get in some movement
here the C stands for commitment the A stands for action and the T stands
for taking steps commitment sounds like I'm going to or I promise or I intend to
action statements sound like I'm going to start on Monday or tomorrow or I'm ready to
fill in the blank and the t the taking steps it sounds like I've already
done it as in I went to a meeting I called that counselor or I met with my cousin he's going to
take me to a meeting that's when someone's verbalizing to you that they've actually
taken some steps in the right direction now change doesn't happen all at once
it happens in stages and there are certain stages where this change talk is really going
to start to happen if you want to know more about those stages then I want you to watch
this video next because it's all about the stages and don't forget you can watch that
session and download all these notes I click in the link in the description or the one right here