*WHOOSH*
Top of the mornin to ya laddies, my name is Jacksepticeye, and welcome back to Totally Accurate Battle Simulator.
This is the steam version of the game now so its-its (nice stutter) still the pre-alpha
there's still a lot to go in the development of it
But it updated recently and it added two new things I think (you think)
The first one- okay lets go into sandbox
Cause when I go back into play game I have to go back into level one
So we'll see about that in a minute
But it added muskets, which are just dudes with guns, which is fucking cool
but it also added the Hwacha (Hiya)
Now if you don't know what a Hwacha is, it's an old ancient Asian-like military battlement
which is- they did it on MythBusters
But it's one of my favorite pieces of weaponry in all history because, its just.. I'll fucking show ya
Um, I'll just put one down and play
Oookay, that doesn't fucking work *laughs*
I thought I could just get in and look at it
Uh, we'll put one over here as well
Its one of these
Its just a battlement on wheels that fires like two hundred arrows
Well at least that what the myth and the tales say
It just fires all arrows, one after another
Its the fucking coolest shit ever- thats why I love it!
Because its still bows and arrows, which I love
A bow and arrow is one of my favorite pieces of weaponry ever,
If not my favorite piece of weaponry ever, (ever and ever and ever) cause its so simplistic
But it just looks so cool when you fire it, I don't know what it is about it
Erm (uhu)
Sniper rifles are also one of my favorites but,
The Hwacha is just, its just old pieces of tech and its awesome
and we are going to fucking line the borders with em (don't go to crazy)
No, go in there. Yes
That is 8 units so we need 8 on this side as well
Okay, thats 8 as well but they're all off (that's ok)
no (way hosay?)
Go there, yes
YES! (OH YES)
RIGHT! (To the right to the right)
HWACHAS VS HWACHAS (HIYA)
Are you ready? Hwatcha- talkin about! Course I'm ready. (Bad)
Lets fucking do this, oh god
Oh Jesus
OUR ARROWS WILL BLOCK OUT THE SUN!
Go dudes!
So you see, they have explosives on the end of them (Kaboom)
That was how they worked
You fired all the arrows
Oh fuhuhuck (You ok?)
Oh my gohahahad (Hit your head?)
*laughs*
Did you hear that? Holy shit that was loud
Okay
That was the Hwachas
Now I wanna get in and put in some musket men
Lets put 1 v 1, I wanna see what they look like
Okay, I was hoping you'd have like hats or something. Right
So
They're just like Civil War muskets
Just get it in the black powder muskets, that cha shove the ball down into the end of em
And then ya fire and then ya have to do it all over again
Oh yeah dude. Oh yeah, take aim
FIRE!
Okay. Ya both missed. Thats fine.
That is what the civil war was like.
I guess
Ah
*weird noise*
*laughs*
Fuckin awesome
Okay
Now you know what has to happen
We need to fill this out with- how many is that?
21
22
Fine. Whatever
Ohhh yes! (OHHH YYEEESSSS)
LINE UP MEN!
FIRE AT WILL! (OK BOSS)
WHICH ONE'S WILL?
I DON'T CARE! JUST FIRE
ROGER!
WHICH ONE'S ROGER? *giggles* (Laughin at me boss?)
Okay
Get him. Get him. Get him. (HUP HUP HUP)
I like this angle
Look at the little bobbleheads! *weird noises*
Jesus fucking Christ
Oh that is cool! (Oh that's so co-oo-oo-ool)
I love this!
Oh yeeaaah! Thats a full on battle now!
That actually feels like a battle
I mean it did with the canons and everything as well
When you have swordmen and everything, it doesn't really feel like a battle
Cause everything is so derp- you just shot your own dude
You guys do not have great aim
Ready...
Aim...
Win!
Yeah
Tha was cool
Well, they had an extra man anyway so
They were obviously gonna win
Right
Lets get in and see if I can play some of the levels again
80. How much are musket men?
Okay
I'm gonna have to do this
I have to do this naturally first
lol..
What?!
You all just fucking died! Okay
Lets uh, put in four farmers
There we go
Don't die
There we go
Nice and handy
Okay, theres-theres a lotta eh
There's like eight other dudes though
Can you guys survive this?
There's actually 10 of them
We're not gonna survive this
We're-we're-we're gonna die
Uhhhh
Well, you gave it a good tr- ohhhhhh
Hold the fucking fort
YES!
GO FORKA LADDIES!
Get him
YEAHHHHHHHH fuckin red victory
Well
All the single player victories are red victories
But I wanna get to levels where I can start puttin in Hwachas and everything
Money. 800
We're doin one Hwacha
And then
Two musket men
And a peasant up front. The peasant's gonna draw them
Right
Battle tactics!
Everybody, get in a line!
Are y'all listening?
Steve! In the back.
Get your hand outta your pants!
Okay good!
Joel stop playing Pokemon!
So whats gonna happen is this guy goes forward
He's a little off center
Is he?
Actually, no, he was fine
He's gonna go forward
Draw all the guys forward like that, all into a ball
Then the Hwacha's just gonna unleash a hail of barrage of bullet storms upon them
Uh okay, there's a lot more dudes than I remembered or expected
Holy fucking Jesus!
Oh but it's a one time fire only
Oh BALLS
Oh I can't shoot it again!
Ergh!
God
C'mon, eragh atta boy!
Yes, you can do it!
You can d- SHOOT!
FUUUCK!
He's gonna die
He's gonna die *laughs*
Poke, poke
Prod
Poke
Get him!
GET HIM!
*laughs*
This is the derpiest battle in the history of the world!
C'mon dude
YAAAAAY! All he had to do was stick the fucking gun to his face and fire
Okay! Awesome!
Money. 300
Ummmm
Right, what could we do with 300? How many-
Four and then...
Two peasants
Lets just see, cause I wanna use these dudes as much as I can
Awww fuck
We have a lot of boxer bros
And a lotta poachers
Shoot
FIRE
LAUNCH!
Nice!
Whittle them down like a fucking pen knife
ATTA BOYS
YES
Okay, there's two more down. Yes
Just get the boxer dude and then you're good
You're golden
What did I do?!
Oh god, I clicked out of the game by accident
NIIIIICE FELLAS!
Ah shite
And the archers can fire a lot faster
Okay, Okay 1v2
You got this dude!
You got this!
Get him!
Ahhh come on!
Oooooooh suck on the inside of my salivary glands
Umm
All poachers
Where da poachers?
All poachers
All poachers, its all I need
*singing* "I got, poachers, poachers, poachers is all I need"
STOP DOING THAT!
I wish these games would just have the fucking mouse cursor stay in the window
Get him
Ohhhhh thats bad
Ohhh thats really bad
Thats bad
Thats- okay. Back to le drawing board
What the fuck that was weird
Right level four!
Can I put down- I can put down two Hwachas
Yeeeeaaaahhh baby
And then
Ah I can only put down two musket men? Really?
Uh, six peasants
Do this. What am I up against? Ohhhh
*clicks tongue* Come on dudes! Why are people fucking dying before they even go anywhere?
Holy mother of fuckin biscuits!
What the jeez! The Hwachas are so overpowered for the early levels
Fuck me
One
Two
Three. Oh I can't put down four
Ugh four would've been awesome
Uhh
Two musket men there, two musket men here
I can put down way more musket men
This is fucking awesome
Uhhaand
Six peasants *laughs*
I like the peasants just to distract
Ohhhh this level
Holy shit. Okay the Hwachas are not gonna work for that
Because there's too many shield dudes and they're too close
Unless...
Hwachas back here
Hwacha-talkin 'bout?
Oh you're about to fuckin see
And all musket men. And then...
Two poachers... I guess *laughs*
Why not
GO HWACHAS
YEAH look at it just fucking leveling them
THAT IS THE FUCKING COOLEST
You're still not dead
Thats fine
Oh musket men, you're not firing fast enough
You're not- no- fast enough fellas
Fa- dudes?
Dudes?
Fa- faster now
Faster now
Fa- fellas!
Fa- SHOOT!
TAKE EM DOWN LEGOLAS!
Okay, he killed his friend. Thats fine
Could you let me put my gun down?
Theres a fucking arrow in you. Why isn't it killing you?
Dude, avert your aim
Avert your aim
Dude come on
Turn around!
*singing* "Turn around" *laughing*
*still laughing*
AHHH C'MON!
The fucking spear dude got caught in the shield one and killed him
Oh that was awesome. Okay I want to do this again
The Hwachas are..
outSTANDING
Ummm
We might need a chariot to get through
And then we need..
a bunch of boxers
Yeeahh, and a peasant
Thats a nice fucking forward line up- I can't put do- oh
Peasant
No, go there. Yay!
GO MEN!
Oh god my chariot's just gonna run straight into the fucking arrows
Yeeah! Fucking horses head came off *laughs*
And now we're fucked
Three of my boxers just died as they came out
The game is glitched!
Well of course it is, its-its still alpha
Umm
'Kay two Hwachas
Maybe two chariots
Uhhhh and a bunch of footmen
There we go
And the chariot just plowed through my fuckin footmen *laughs*
Niiiice! Its so awesome to look at!
BOOSHK
Fuck
We're gonna lose
We're-we're gonna lose. OKAY
Nevermind that one. Change the tactics!
(Initiate slow zooming)
Oh my god
OH MY GOD
THIS IS GONNA BE FUCKIN COOL!
Initiate Default zoom
One footman
I have fifty monies?
There we go
Ohhh fuck yeahehe
READY
AIM
FIRE
*laughs*
I think I just killed all my own dudes
But its fine
Cause it looks awesome
KILL EM ALL
YES
If only they reloaded slightly faster
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, okay
YEEESSSS
YEHEHES
YEAHEHE
OH!
Musket men are the best
Lets try that again
Muskets for days
A big back line of them
Okay, 30. What can I get with 30?
A poacher
Go up front poacher and just fire an arrow at them
Give them a warning shot
Floonk
Okay, two men are down
Did you do that poacher?
Oh god he just got fuckin pile drived
Oh thats not good enough. They're too fast
They're too fast
Oh shit. Ah shit balls man
Ahh fuck
They ra- they breached us!
Get em!
Shoot e-shoot em down!
Ahhhh my dudes are dying!
Come on. There's a sword gone flying
Are we okay?
Ummmm nope
"The feet"
It's fine. You know why?
Cause we have a shit ton..
of Hwachas about to rain down four hundred pieces of glorious death upon them
pffft...
That- that sucked. I-I killed two of them
Canons and muskets! All gunpowder! All day, e'ry day!
Everybody!
FIRE!
Absolutely terrible. Absolutely- WHY ARE THE CANONS FIRING AT HEADS?!
FIRE AT CENTER MASS!
And now my canon ball is just gonna fire into the middle of all my own guys
WELL
The feat is fucking great-
WOAHHHHH
DUDE!
(I'm sorry, Jack, my people need me)
First red guy in space
Okay!
Um, right. I wanna do- I wanna do one more.
I wanna do one more..
with..
a Hwacha here..
a Hwacha there..
a Hwacha here..
a Hwacha there..
a Hwacha- tallkin about Jack
I don fuckin know
And then a bunch of musket men in the middle
A bunch of musket men in the middle
Why can't- oh, I can't get close to them
Ohh yes
All in the back line!
FUCK YEAH BRO
Okay NOT those guys
This is going to be glory greatest
GO
Oh my god. Frame rate
Does it even exist?
Find out next time on horrible games that run on my computer
Oh god
Doesn't matter. They're about to clear out anyway.
GET READY FOR BATTLE
FIRE THE HWACHAS
Somethings happening
Jesus Christ. Its a- OHHHHH BLUE TEAM JUST GOT SLAUGHTERED
Well
So did red team
Blue team takin it back!
That was.. a disaster
*giggle*
Get rid of the Hwachas and see what happens
Ar-is it all these guys that are makin it run shit? Yup
Okay
How many units do I have down?
Thats only 46!
I had a lot more last time
Right, I just want to see all muskets again
14v14
That should work great
That should work glory greatest
GO FELLAS
ARE YOU READY TO KICK BLUES ASS?
FIRE MEN- FIRE BOBBLEHEADS
OH
MY
GOD
Blue team with their aim on point
OH!
The only blue guy left standing!
GERALD!
YOU WIN THAT TRIP TO CABO!
Okay!
Well I'm gonna leave this episode of T.A.B.S here
I love these new units. The Hwacha and the musket, I think..
Yeah those are the only two new ones
They- they're prob- it's gonna- probably gonna be a while before they update it again
But I'm really glad that they are updating it
More units are coming in
Now all I wanna see is like a different background or be able to pick my background or something
But really cool
The Hwachas are just life
They are the best
Its so- its such a cool invention for the time and even today it still holds up
But anyway..
THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR WATCHING THIS EPISODE
IF YOU LIKED IT, PUNCH THAT LIKE BUTTON IN THE FACE
LIKE A BOSS
AND
high fives all around
*WHAPISH*
THANK YOU GUYS AND I WILL SEE ALL YOU DUDES
IN THE NEXT VIDEO!!!!!
Hey...yeah..uh..you...click that video...
Victory sip!
Climactic!