Every once in a while,
we like to do an official state of the podcast.
It's like the President does State of the Union.
We just check in,
see that we're keeping this thing up to quality standards
and that everybody's desires are being met.
David, Conan, me.
Okay. So, what's involved.
I forget what we do here.
I mean, I have no idea what the state of the podcast is.
Well, the state of the podcast-
My desires are not being met.
Why, 'cause you don't know? What are your desires?
How can we better meet your desires?
Well, that's very nice of you.
I'd like you guys to be a little more complimentary of me,
sort of like, "Wow, Conan, I'm still starstruck."
(all laughing)
Can't you muster that, man?
Sure, we can do that.
You went to contempt almost immediately
when we first started working together a couple of years ago
and, I don't know, you know what I mean?
Yeah. Let's try it.
And you know I'd bat it away.
You know I'd say, "Oh, don't be silly.
Don't be ridiculous," 'cause I'm a humble man.
But you guys always start from a place and you too, David,
I think you've been around me too long
and you forget when you got off that bus-
Okay, here we go. Here we go.
No, you're from Illinois.
Illinois, yeah, Carlinville, Illinois.
Carlinville, Illinois.
You got off that bus with your cardboard suitcase
and your undersized seersucker suit and that little hat.
And you saw those big skyscrapers and went garsh,
and came and worked for me.
You were excited and then suddenly
you quickly became the same cynical prick
that Matt Gourley is.
Wow, with that intro,
I can't believe he doesn't gush praise onto you.
(Conan laughing)
All right, David, let's you and me give him some praise.
Let's see how naturally it comes.
You're really funny.
Yes, I am. Next.
People think you're hilarious.
Yes they do. Next.
You got a good working knowledge of history.
Yes I do, thank you. Next.
See, I said I was gonna bat them away and I'm not.
I'm just accepting them and asking more.
A voracious need machine. Yeah.
Are we done? Was that enough?
Yeah, I think that covers it.
Yeah, you guys acted like you were,
you were saying those words with your last breath of air.
That's how it came across.
Well.
But, David, what's it like when you go back home to,
is it Carlinville?
Carlinville.
Yeah, when you go back to Carlinville
and you go to the general store
and everyone's sitting around swapping stories,
they must say like,
"What's that Conan O'Brien like," don't they?
People do ask about you a lot, yeah.
Yeah, and what kinds of stuff do you say?
That you're really funny.
Oh, come on. What do you really say?
No, I do say that I got,
I genuinely did get very lucky working for you
because you are just very easygoing and very nice.
Right.
When I moved here, I just heard horror stories
of working for different celebrities.
Right. And I don't really fit the cliche.
Now I do sometimes act outrageously,
but it's usually for comedic effect.
Yeah, like one story I always tell was, it was,
you had ordered a Amazon package and it didn't show up.
Right.
So you called me down
and wanted me to go look around for it.
Five minutes go by,
Sona calls says,
"Conan found the Amazon package. Come back down."
In that five minutes,
you had taken the time to carve a hole in just a random box
just to flip me off.
Oh, that's right.
Oh, my god.
I cut a hole in the box and I said,
"I did find it. I found the Amazon package."
And you were like, "Oh, I'm really glad you found it."
I went, "Yeah, and look what's inside."
And I opened the box and gave you the finger.
[Matt] I have a picture of it on my phone.
And I thought, and Sona was howling. And I was howling.
Now, I love that this is your story of what a good guy-
(all laughing)
But I remember going to all the trouble of,
we sent you-
The effort, you sent me looking because I went,
'cause it got dropped off at the Warner Brothers mail room.
So I go over and talk to someone at the mail room,
and then come back.
And you were waiting in your office for me,
for who knows how long.
Oh, I remembered, you know,
we had a show to do and probably a big name guest,
if I know our show, and there was a lot going on,
and I was like, "Nope, Nope."
I would routinely tell people the show can wait.
I've gotta figure out a way to saw a hole in this box,
get my hand into it,
get the new assistant to Sona to come up here,
who's from Carlinville, Illinois,
say, "I found the box,"
get you to open it,
and then have me give you the finger.
Yup.
Now that, that's, man,
that's a true sociopath at work, I think.
Oh, by the way, Matt, I found a Amazon box for you.
Oh, really? Should I head right over?
You should head over here as quickly as possible.
[Matt] Okay.
(Conan laughing)