Man, I– It’s so crazy, I haven’t had
Doritos in years,
but I would have it all the time in middle school.
I think it definitely took years off my life.
Doritos and Mountain Dew Code Red? Oh, my god.
It’s straight up –
seventh and eighth grade have so much of that.
There’s gonna be, like, a class action lawsuit.
Like, twenty years from now when people are just like,
“Did you have Mountain Dew Code Red in eighth grade?
Call Habbas and Mandola and Associates. 1-88-HABBAS.”
And you’re like,
“That was me.”
Alright, “What is your favorite Trader Joe’s item?”
This is from Kat.
Ooh.
This is from Kat. Is Kat here?
Yeah, what’s your favorite item?
Everything but the bagel seasoning? Damn, divisive.
People like the bagel seasoning, don’t they?
Oh! Oh, yeah, that thing.
It’s, like, where everything’s all combined in one –
Yeah, yeah.
I thought you were like, “I love everything, but that thing.”
Okay, yeah.
Umm,
I like their –
I don’t like this, I find it weird.
You know how, like, all their
ethnic food has, like, a very specific name?
But it’s, like, quasi-racist but they don’t address it?
Yeah. You know what I’m talking about, right?
“Trader Ming’s” is their Asian food.
I’m not joking. “Trader José” is their Mexican food.
It’s Trader José, but their food is so good they’re like,
“You’re not gonna do anything about it.”
Like, everybody has their NPR tote bags
and they’re like, “It’s Trader Ming’s,”
and they bang a gong and you’re like,
“I’m lazier than I am woke.” Ya know?
“What Hogwarts house would you place yourself in?
And which house would the Sorting Hat actually put you in?”
This is from Sarah.
This is your Hogwarts question? This is your question?
Your sister filled it out?
For you?
Which Hogwarts house would you be in?
That’s great. Yeah, usually people are like, “I’m a Gryffindor.”
But, like, Gryffindor and Ravenclaw they’re generally, like, you know...
They don’t beef, do they?
Aren’t they more like, “We’re brave.” Hufflepuff is, like, the more chill.
Hufflepuff has a badger as their mascot.
Yeah.
Yeah, I feel like they’re the UC Santa Cruz of, like, houses.
You know what I mean? Like, you go surfing
and you be like, “Like...I don’t – I’m a –
I made up my own major.” That’s, like, a Hufflepuff.
What if, like– I feel like
if I wore the hat, the hat would put me in Hagrid’s house.
Like, the Sorting Hat would be like, “You’re in Hagrid’s house,”
I’d be like, “What?”
Like, “You live with Hagrid.
You guys have bunk beds.” I’m like, “Alright.”
What house would you be in?
Hufflepuff?
Hufflepuff too?
You’re a Gryffindor?
Nah, dude. Nah, dude. Everyone thinks they’re a Gryffindor.
What house would you be in?
Hufflepuff?
Now everyone’s– Okay what house would you be in?
Yeah.
You’re like, “I’ve never thought about it.”
Say what?
Hagrid’s? Yeah, yeah.
You hang out with the groundskeeper.
“What is an example of a genre or a potential pivot
that’s outside your comfort zone,
but you’d really like to try at some point in your career?”
I feel like my dad wrote this and just like,
“What’s something else you could do besides–”
One time I was watching TV as a kid I remember –
what show was it? It was, like, a daytime talk show or something.
Maybe– No, it wasn’t a daytime talk–
It was, like, Mr. Rogers or, like, Sesame Street.
But there was, like, an ice– a professional ice cream tester.
And it was a real job. He’s like, “I test ice cream.
I have a golden spoon.”
And then he would just, like, he would taste–
There would be all these ice creams
and he would just, like, taste one and be like [licks].
And he’s like, “That’s pralines and cream.”
And then, he would just –
he would just taste ice cream and that was his whole job, like,
telling you about the viscosity of it and how good it was.
And that’s, like, his full-time job. He has a golden spoon, he wears a lab coat.
I feel like that would be a cool career pivot.
What would your career pivot be?
Basketball player?
Like, could you do it, though?
Not currently, but, like...
That was my first, like, response but I’m like,
“I just have to also be realistic. Ice cream tester.”
Basketball player?
Okay.
What about – what about you?
A doctor?
You can pivot to anything.
What do you do right now?
Are you, like, an ice cream tester and you’re like, “I’d pivot to...
I’d pivot to something a little more practical.”
You’re an engineer?
You’d pivot to that?
You’d go from engineer to doctor?
You can do–
Ah, dude, come on.
Imagine.
“Can you please share what you think about Taiwan
recently becoming the first Asian country
to legalize same sex marriage,
and if you think this could impact other Asian countries?”
Um,
that’s a great question. This is from Serena.
Um,
uh, I think it’s great.
Unfortunately, I don’t think it’ll impact China
because China won’t even recognize Taiwan as a sovereign country.
Uhhh, Taiwan’s like–
I mean, China’s like, “Mmm no. Who are you?”
That’s what they’ll say.
But, I think the domino effect in the region could be good.
Um, but India’s one of the few countries that,
I don’t know if you guys heard recently,
had that huge Supreme Court case.
And they overturned the anti-sodomy law, which I think is a huge win.
And as major democracies–
Yeah! I think it’s really awesome.
And I think as
major democracies in other parts of the world
push back against this antiquated law,
I think it’s a huge win for the entire region.
So, ultimately, I think it’s a good thing.
Yeah.
“Would love an episode on Mitch McConnell.” Ugh.
This is from Becca.
“Seems like, for the most part,
he’s been able to hide behind Trump slash Obama,
and that has impact on our country. Seems lost on people.”
Damn, that was a really good question, Becca.
Um, yeah. I think probably the worst thing, uh,
that McConnell’s done that he,
kind of, has been able to
fall underneath the radar, uh,
was the Merrick Garland decision.
I think that was probably the most fucked up thing that he,
sorta, pulled off.
Um,
he really is, like, a tactician.
Like,
you know how, like, in clubs you’d have the parliamentarian?
Like, the nerd who knows all the rules?
He’s that guy.
And I think a lot of times the mistake, um,
people make is they just do all the turtle jokes
and they don’t realize how good he is at his job, which is...
which is probably the scariest thing that he does.
Um,
“If you could be any Doritos flavor…”
I love the– I love the gamut of our questions.
You know, you need to talk about Mitch McConnell and
how he’s destroying our country,
but Doritos.
“If you could be any Doritos flavor what would you be?”
This is from Ayesha Ali.
Um,
that’s such a weird question.
What flavor would you be?
There’s a flamin’ hot flavor?
What color is the bag?
It’s red? No, but red is Nacho Cheesier.
It’s a more red bag?
Uh, I would say Cooler Ranch.
Cooler Ranch, Salsa Verde.
I feel like anyone who’s, like, “Nacho Cheese,”
like, the classic one, is definitely, like,
a Trump supporter.
I – I can’t prove it. I can’t prove it.
But I feel like it’s the MAGA hat of chip choices.
Don’t you feel that way?
Like, Mitch McConnell would be like, “I love Nacho Cheese.”
Wouldn’t it be?
No, why?
Just the regular-ass Nacho Cheese?
What flavor would you be?
Cooler Ranch? Cool.
I’d say the blue bag or the green bag.
Why? You don’t like Cooler Ranch?
Not Salsa Verde?
Man, I– It’s so crazy, I haven’t had
Doritos in years,
but I would have it all the time in middle school.
I think it definitely took years off my life.
Doritos and Mountain Dew Code Red? Oh, my god.
It’s straight up –
seventh and eighth grade have so much of that.
There’s gonna be, like, a class action lawsuit.
Like, twenty years from now when people are just like,
“Did you have Mountain Dew Code Red in eighth grade?
Call Habbas and Mandola and Associates. 1-88-HABBAS.”
And you’re like,
“That was me.”
Yeah we, we usually try to pick, um, two –
there’s sorta two main emotions I try to go for.
The first one is
I like to pick a topic that makes people go,
“Oh, my god, how have I been living my life and not knowing that?
Like, how did I not know that piece of information?”
Like, I think what’s great about this episode that I really like is
we live in a first world country;
we invented the Internet,
and yet, there is a huge
part of our population that is just denied
basic Internet access, which is just crazy.
Like, that idea of, like, “How did I not know that?”
Or number two – um,
it gives the feeling of, “Oh, my god, thank you for talking about that.”
Um, in Sudan on the episode that we did last week,
that to me checked that box where
there’s this horrible situation that’s happening over there,
where Sudanese protestors have overthrown their government.
Um, that, you know,
Omar al-Bashir was, like, a horrible dictator for the past thirty years.
And now,
they’re going head-to-head with the new military regime,
but a lot of Western media outlets can’t cover it,
like, they’ve shut off the Internet.
There’s all this crazy shit that’s happening.
So, I usually try to provide stories that
check one of those two things.
Yeah.
Oh, Rihanna posted about it?
I mean, I don’t have the impact that– [laughs] yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I was on it first, Rihanna!
Nah, it’s good. I think any attention is good.
What’s up?
Yes.
The one person I wish I didn’t have to speak to?
I’ll say this. The scariest person, um,
that I spoke to after doing the White House Correspondents’ Dinner set
was Jeff Zucker.
So, after the Correspondents’ Dinner speech, um, I’m, like, leaving the stage.
And, I’ve obviously made fun of, you know, CNN,
I’ve made fun of Fox News.
I probably gave it to CNN the hardest, right?
Um, and, you know, ultimately, like,
my punchline to CNN was like, “You gotta...
you gotta do the news, it can’t just be–
Like, everytime I turn on CNN it can’t look like I’m playing Street Fighter
and there’s fifteen cubes and I’m trying to pick my player,” right?
Anyways, I finish the set – it’s all about, like, journalism,
and how important journalism is,
and how important the truth matters and all that stuff.
He comes up to me – I’m, like, leaving the stage, and he’s just like,
“Hey man, Jeff Zucker.
We gotta do what you’re doing on CNN.”
And I was like,
“No.”
But that terrified me the most, like, that idea of just, like,
“Man, that was funny. Um, people were laughing,
it was crazy. We need more of that on a news network.”
Like, that to me terrified me the most.
That sort of– That idea that just, like,
“That’s really great. I see ratings.”
That– That really sorta scared, like, scared me the most. Yeah.
Um, my most played– Apple Music doesn’t count?
Okay.
Alright.
Um, most played track on Spotify.
Uh, it’d probably be, um, the...
the Zayn Malik Whole New World remix.
It’s fire!
And my daughter loves it.
Yeah, we play it in the morning. We’re like, “Alexa, play Zayn Malik Whole New World.”
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did I see Aladdin? Yes I saw Aladdin.
I had to.
Opening night I bought six tickets.
I brought – I just invited random people, yeah.
Yeah, of course, I had to.
What’s up?
I try to not, um, be on my phone. That is the worst.
Yeah. It’s really bad. Yeah.
The other– Like,
I was walking to work, like, two days ago, and uh,
a lot of people in my building – they have, they have dogs.
So, I’m leaving my building,
and there’s this guy; he’s getting dragged by his dog.
Like, the dog is, like, straight up dragging him.
Um, and the dog is, like, shitting in the middle of the,
like, there’s, like, a little driveway in our building.
So it’s like, he’s being dragged,
but
as he’s being dragged he’s still on the phone.
So he’s, like, the dog is, like, shitting and the dude’s like this.
And I, I was just staring at him, you know?
You know how, like, Indian people stare.
So, I’m just like...
And I’m with, I’m with Beena and she’s like, “Stop doing that.”
But I was like– He, like, looked up
and he, like, caught me looking at him, and I’m just like,
“Dude, like, put...your phone down. You’re –”
Like, this dude is– The dog is shitting on– Like,
he’s getting on your shoe – you’re just like,
“Instagram discover page,” like...
Yeah, it was terrifying, I’m like, “Dude, it’s...it’s, like, it’s getting Black Mirror.”
Like,
people are straight up, like, can’t even take a second, so...
That’s my thing. Like, I try not to, um, be on my phone.
Try to just, you know, read the newspaper.
Uh, I was wa– Okay so, like, the other morning I was walking.
I was, like, walking in the morning.
And, this kid...
[laughs] Like we all do.
No, I take – I take the baby on a walk.
So, I was, like, pushing her in the stroller,
and there was, like, this, like, seventh grade, like, Bengali kid.
He was, like, walking through, like, this–
And this is how you know I’m old.
He was listening to Travis Scott really loud, and I was just like,
“Turn it down, man. It’s, like, seven o’clock in the morning.”
And he’s like, “Huhnanana, huhnanana.”
It’s, like, too early, right?
It’s like [tongue rumbling].
You know, you can, like, hear it farting through the Beats?
And then…
And then, he was like –
he was walking and he saw me, and he was like,
“Hasan Minhaj?
What the fuck are you doing here?”
And I thought he was, like,
he was gonna jump me.
I like, thought this kid was gonna, like, like take my –
ahhh, like, “Hey man, take my lunch money.”
This kid’s thirteen.
“What the fuck are you–” Like, kids in New York, right?
“What the fuck you doing here?” And I’m like, “I live here.”
Uh, and then he’s like,
“Let me get a pic.”
And then I’m like, “Alright, cool.”
Um,
and then he had, like, Snapchat open, right.
Um, and he was like...
And then I saw him do this he goes, “Yeah, what’s up,”
and then he looked at it and he’s like, “Man, that sucks.”
And he X’d, and he just kept walking.
That’s all I am to him.
I’m not a person with– I’m not a person with feelings;
with a child. I’m just, I’m a widget in his life.
Not even, not even worth IG stories.
Just, you know what I mean?
“Yo, erase that motherfucker after 24 hours.”
Yeah.
Yeah, he was, yeah.
It really made me truly sad.
“What are you doin’ here?” I was like, “I was walkin’ my baby.”
And he was just like, “Aww. Let me get a pic.”
Like…
Just, pure transaction.