So if you are an idealist type that could be an ENFP infp ENFJ infj there's
a very good chance that you are way too hard on yourself and with being hard on
yourself comes nosov being hard on other people and that is the topic for today's
video which is based on a question sent in from Nikki so Nikki says I just found
out I am an INFP and found your podcast listened to a
bunch of episodes my main concern is what it says about infps and
relationships I am worried how will I know for sure if
anyone is truly compatible with me or will no-one ever be because I will
always expect too much will I ever meet the one if I am always looking to
improve my partner I have had such a turbulent history in relationships that
it's gotten to the point where I no longer trust my own judgment and she
ends with I have had such a turbulent history in relationship that it has
gotten to the point where I no longer trust my own judgment what an awesome
question Nikki thank you so there is a very good chance that you are definitely
too hard on other people and too hard on yourself now that is not because you are
some evil type a narcissistic boss or a partner but it is just because you're an
idealist and you see the potential and you always want to make things better
but idealist tend not to be realist and this gets us into trouble in a couple
ways one is you know setting expectations for ourselves that are not
really possible in the you know earth we live in now or in other people and it
also leads to some difficult situations we're always trying to improve and push
others around us sometimes they don't want that push necessarily or they maybe
do want it but not from their partner personally if I can get into some of my
own relationship history this definitely came up for me and does come up as well
in my own relationship of dealing with that especially in this case because I'm
doing coaching and helping people with their businesses and my girlfriend is
having a business and this sort of thing so it's natural when she brings up a
struggle for me to want to get into like Coach tan right and that is not good for
a relationship intent anyone else who's in a similar situation along a similar
note for the longest time when I was single and I was dating I was always
like overly picky about people's flaws you know this person seems great but you
know this and this they don't have this little thing and all that and it's not
just saying not you don't want to be picky but there's a point where you need
to realize like none of us are perfect right we all have a lot of flaws and
part of having a good relationship is learning to accept people for who they
are and love them for who they are and for whatever reason that's something
that some of us have trouble doing and I would really encourage you to work on
that if you learn to accept your partner for who they are you're actually in a
much better position to help them improve to help them maybe become more
of the person you and them can't just be you wants them to become right one in
your partner to improve and become better there's nothing wrong with that
in fact a lot of people and relationships because their partners are
sort of stagnant and they don't want to improve themselves or improve each other
so wanting to become better and improve is awesome problem is when you're doing
it in sort of an overly critical way or that you're never happy with where
you're at so you want to learn to be happy with where someone is where you
are and where you are together be grateful be happy and then try to
improve as well and get better I to me I think that's the recipe for a very
loving and a very successful relationship how can you do that I don't
know find another video thing no kidding the best way I think to do that is
honestly just mental exercises I just filmed another video about act as if
that one of the easiest ways to change behavior is just change your actions and
there's some like similar kind of easy practices you can do so there's
something called a gratitude practice which is where first thing in the
morning or at the end of the day you think about the things you're grateful
for this has been shown to improve feelings of gratitude which then
improves feelings of well-being and overall happiness
stress has all these positive effects and all you're doing is sitting for a
couple minutes and thinking about what you're grateful for and that can have a
massive impact on your physiology on your thoughts and your emotions on
everything else you could do the same thing with your
partner right just think what am i grateful for with this person what do I
love about this person and take a minute you know to think about that with them
like what do I love and only let yourself focus on the good things right
don't get into judgment don't whatever if you're at a point where you really
can't do this exercise because you just go to the negative in your partner
probably relationship therapist slash breakup time at that point but assuming
you can and if you're in an early part of a relationship just build this
practice early and keep it up just focus on the good parts and them and remind
yourself sometimes like I've done this where I'll have a judgemental thought
come into my mind whether it's about you know someone I'm working with or someone
I in a relationship with our friend and just I kind of train the thought to pop
in like is it are you really being fair like judging them for this and it's not
to say I come back and then say but Dan there's all these things wrong with you
but it's acknowledging that no one is you know well-rounded and perfect at
everything right with the good comes the bad if you want to date someone who's
really creative and spontaneous and adventures don't complain when they have
a messy kitchen right this is probably gonna go hand in hand these sorts of
personality traits so take some time on I would say daily basis to just remind
yourself of these thoughts being more open to people like accepting who they
are being more grateful for who they are and you'd be surprised I've had just a
few of these little thoughts that I've kind of repeated or brought up the
questions for myself about like learning to accept people fully and you know this
aspect of focus on the positive commit to the person and don't worry about the
little details and it makes a huge difference at least it did in my life
and hopefully it will help in your so you are not hopeless you will find mr.
right and I know as an INFP that you will be looking for that Prince Charming
because that's you know you want that perfect fantasy
relationship maybe lower the bar slightly like 5% on how perfect it has
to be but otherwise keep up the look but in an accepting way where you take the
good in the bad and you will find that perfect person and have a great
relationship and it is still okay to trust your judgment
just extend your judgment to be a little more accepting thanks for watching if
there's someone in your life that you think eh maybe they should watch this
video maybe your boyfriend and girlfriend should watch this video be
sure to share it with them I really do appreciate it it helps the channel grow
you haven't yet subscribed to the channel I make so many videos on enfps
and infps and idealist INFJs you guys well really not many 4ef days I don't
know why so subscribe to the channel you'll catch a lot more of those videos
as they come out thanks for watching and have a great day