>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND
THE LATE SHOW BAND RIGHT OVER THERE.
LOUIS. OH, LOUIS.
LOUIS, WE HAVE TWO DELIGHTFUL PEOPLE COMING BACK ON THE SHOW
TONIGHT. ONE JUST IS A LOVELY PERSON TO
BE WITH, LET ALONE A GREAT ARTIST.
JAMES TAYLOR'S GOING TO BE HERE. AND JUST AN INCREDIBLY TALENTED
AND THOUGHTFUL, WELL-INFORMED YOUNG LADY, EVA LONGORIA IS
GOING TO BE OUT HERE JUST A LITTLE WHILE TOO.
FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME IN
THE NEWS KITCHEN SIMMERING THE DAY'S FRESHEST
STORY CHICKEN IN THE MOST TOPICAL COCONUT MILK,
THEN ADDING THE NEWSIEST GALANGAL AND KAFFIR LIME LEAVES,
AND A DASH OF TIPAROS NAM PLA AND PALM SUGAR TO SERVE YOU THE
PERFECTLY BALANCED TOM KHA KAI THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES I WAKE UP IN THE SCOOP OF A BACKHOE ON A DESERTED
CONSTRUCTION SITE, TOSS IN HALF A DISCARDED BALONEY SANDWICH
AND THE SWILL FROM A CRUMPLED CAN OF MR. PIBB INTO A CRACKED
PAINT BUCKET, ADD SOME GRASS CLIPPINGS AND LEAVE IT IN THE
SUN TO OFFER YOU THE BOOTLEG TRASH GUMBO OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT, "MEANWHILE." A MESS.
MEANWHILE, THE FILTER THROUGH WHICH I SEE THE WORLD.
MEANWHILE, THE NATIONAL PARKS SERVICE IS WARNING THAT,
DESPITE WHAT YOU MAY HAVE HEARD IN SOME OLD JOKES, YOU SHOULD
"NEVER PUSH A SLOWER FRIEND DOWN IN A BEAR ENCOUNTER."
THAT NOTICE FROM RENOWNED WILDLIFE EXPERT,
YOUR SLOWEST FRIEND. MEANWHILE, OVER HALF A DOZEN
SHEEP RECENTLY ESCAPED A SLAUGHTERHOUSE IN NEW JERSEY.
THE ESCAPE HAPPENED BECAUSE THE OFFICIAL RESPONSIBLE FOR
COUNTING THE SHEEP AT THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE KEPT FALLING
ASLEEP. [APPLAUSE]
MEANWHILE, WE ALL KNOW THAT THE FAVORITE SENIOR PAST TIME,
PICKLEBALL, IS TAKING OVER THE COUNTRY, WHICH HAS LED TO
COUNTLESS TURF BATTLES OVER TENNIS COURT SPACE.
AND NOW "THE GREAT PICKLEBALL WAR HAS REACHED THE D.C. AREA."
VIRGINIA'S ARLINGTON COUNTY WANTS TO BUILD NINE NEW
PICKLEBALL COURTS, BUT HOMEOWNERS IN THE AREA
HATE THE IDEA SO MUCH THEY'VE STARTED DISTRIBUTING FLYERS THAT
ACCUSE PICKLEBALL PLAYERS OF "HIJACKING" TENNIS AND
BASKETBALL COURTS, "BULLYING" CHILDREN,
AND URINATING IN PUBLIC. COME ON, SENIORS!
PICKLEBALL IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO URINATE IN PUBLIC!
THAT'S AQUA-ROBICS. MEANWHILE.
AFTER LEGAL CHALLENGES BROUGHT BY SWISS
CHEESEMAKERS, A U.S. COURT HAS RULED THAT
AMERICAN-MADE CHEESE CAN BE CALLED GRUYERE.
WHILE KRAFT SINGLES MUST NOW BE CORRECTLY LABELED AS
"PLASTIC BATH MAT SOAKED IN YELLOW."
MEANWHILE, WE HAVE SOME BREAKING NEWS ABOUT THE BREAKING
OF A ROYAL TRADITION. IT'S BEEN ANNOUNCED THAT
"THE HOLY ANOINTING OIL FOR KING CHARLES III'S
CORONATION WILL NOT CONTAIN THE INTESTINAL WAX OF SPERM WHALES
OR CIVET SECRETIONS." WHAT?
THAT MAKES NO SENSE! IF A KING'S HEAD ISN'T GREASED
WITH WHALE INTESTINE WAX AND SECRETIONS FROM A NOCTURNAL
TROPICAL RODENT, THEN, I'M SORRY, BUT HEREDITARY RULERS
STARTS TO SOUND KIND OF STUPID. THE SACRED HEAD GOO
TRADITIONALLY CONTAINS OIL FROM THE GLANDS OF SMALL
MAMMALS SUCH AS CIVETS, AND AMBERGRIS, A WAXY SUBSTANCE
FROM THE INTESTINES OF SPERM WHALES THAT IS CALLED
CHRISM OIL. BUT IN THIS CASE, BUCKINGHAM
PALACE IS USING A CIVET AND WHALE-FREE ALTERNATIVE
CALLED "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT CHRISM!"
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JAMES TAYLOR.