- Hi. I'm Ryan O'Connell, I'm 29 years old,
and I'm a professional feeler of emotions.
A.K.A. a writer.
(keyboard music)
I have two very root identities,
being gay and disabled, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.
(laughs) If you had a choice.
The second I realized I was gay,
I was just like, that is really fucking rude, life.
Like why would you do that to me,
why would you hurt me like that.
Things were already hard and then you just
put in a fun flirty twist of me liking penis
on top of it all.
In my mind the gay world represented physical perfection.
You basically have an amazing body,
you have tons of sex,
and you listen to bad electronic remixes.
And I just kinda knew, looking down at my
limp and scares, everything like that.
And being like, well, I don't look that,
so I'm fucked.
And I kind of assumed that I would just like die alone.
I figured that there was no way that a gay guy
with cerebral palsy could find the man of his dreams.
Like, there was just no world in which that was possible.
So, I spent most of my 20's kind of not feeling like
I deserved a dick in my ass
because I was gay and disabled and that was disgusting.
Occasionally, I would do something crazy,
like go on a date with someone.
But, even then I was fraught with nerves.
I would make sure that I would arrive the bar
15 minutes early so I could be sitting down
so the guy wouldn't see me walk away.
And I would be sitting there,
literally about to pee my pants,
like totally fucking miserable,
but would not get out the fucking seat.
I would have rather pissed my pants
on this new guy I barely know
than actually go up and have him see limp away.
I basically, kind of like, came out of the disabled closet
to all my friends and told them that I was
writing about my cerebral palsy.
And it was really painful.
I feel like I repressed a lot of memories.
A lot the book was just me having to, you know,
like re-do the Men in Black memory eraser
that I like had through most of my childhood.
When you're honest completely about who you are
life opens up to you in this new exciting way.
And all these opportunities are available to you
that weren't before.
You can actually fall in love with someone
because you don't hate yourself anymore.
I remember being 25 and being like,
why does not guy like me.
And then meanwhile I'm like, you know,
eating Percocet like they're gummy bears
and looking like shit and not understanding like,
oh, maybe its because I kind of hate myself.
And when you hate yourself you only attract
other garbage people.
The love that I wanted, I didn't feel like I deserved yet,
so I couldn't get it.
But the second I came out with the book
and started talking candidly about my disability
I got a boyfriend, pretty much immediately.
It was real, I mean it was so immediate,
like I came out of the simple closet
and next week was dating someone.
It was so amazing.
And, I had things happen to me that I just never
could have dreamed possible.
Now, at 29, I don't think I'm ever gonna love
being gay and disabled.
I'm never gonna be obsessed with it.
But at the same time, I'm OK with it,
and I'm ready to talk about it
and I'm ready to go there
and that's just a really remarkable feeling.
You know what I mean?
Because, I didn't have a choice over being gay and disabled,
but I did have a choice with how I dealt with it.
And now I've just chosen to just deal with it by just
literally screaming it from every mountain top.
People are like, shut the fuck up.
I'm like, no I'm not done, I've been silenced for too long.
- It's here. It's hear.
- [Voiceover] It's hear.
- Get it.
- There
- I think they got it, get it.
- Get it, it's here.