If you manage to snag a huge celebrity for your project, most filmmakers would take advantage
and give them a huge role.
But, that's not always the case.
Sometimes, people are perfectly happy paying top-dollar to use an ultra-star for two lines,
or two seconds of screen time.
As the old saying goes, there are no small parts, only small actors.
Then again, some of these examples stretch that expression to its breaking point.
Here are some major actors hired to do very little.
Vin Diesel: Guardians of the Galaxy
Marvel paid the Fast and Furious star Vin Diesel a whole lot to say just three words:
"I am Groot."
Over and over again.
"I am Groot."
"Yea, you said that."
Yes, he says it different each time depending on the situation,
"I am Groot."
but he's still technically repeating three words for an entire movie.
And yet, each word is more memorable than anything he said in The Pacifier.
"Do the Peter Panda dance"
"Just hop three times like a kangaroo."
Now, let's all go back to forgetting that movie exists.
But, despite the simplicity of playing Groot, Diesel is actually saying something different
each time.
He has a special script that gives him the English translation of whatever Groot is saying
so he can more easily get into the tree's head.
"The Gunn/Diesel version of the script."
"To be fair."
"Where Groot's dialogue is not, 'I am Groot.'"
See?
It's not just Rocket who can understand him.
Regardless, of the work Diesel is or isn't doing with the role, it's still impressive
that the actor at least attempts to do the Baby Groot voice naturally.
Next stop: voicing all the chipmunks in the next, inevitable Alvin sequel.
(humming Funky Town)
Or not.
Jay Leno and George Clooney: South Park
These days, if South Park snags a celebrity cameo, they'll likely milk it like any other
show would.
But, that wasn't the case early on, and the hit animated series used to treat celebrities
exactly how you'd expect them to: like they barely exist.
In one of the show's first episodes, creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone somehow snagged
Jay Leno.
And they had him play a cat.
Not, like, a magical talking cat.
Just a normal house cat, doing mostly normal house cat things.
They hired the biggest talk show host on the planet to meow a few times and go home.
"Meow."
"No kitty, this is my corned beef cabbage."
"Meow."
"No kitty that's a bad kitty!"
"hsss!"
Amazingly, only a couple episodes earlier, Parker and Stone cast George Clooney in "Big
Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride."
Clooney played Stan's gay dog, who woofed like, well, pretty much any other dog.
"Sparky!
Where'd you get that pink scarf?"
"Woof woof!"
They land two of the biggest stars in show business, and the South Park guys hired them
to sound like house pets.
John Hurt: Spaceballs
Sometimes when you parody something, the thing you're poking fun at gets in on the act.
That was the case in 1987, when actor John Hurt showed up in Mel Brooks' Spaceballs for
about a minute...to do the exact same thing he did in Alien:
"Oh no! not again!"
Of course, where Hurt's original Alien role was the stuff of straight-up nightmares, his
time with Spaceballs was a bit more fun — and somewhat less likely to haunt your dreams
until the end of time.
The best part about this brief scene is how the joke works for everybody.
Even if you never saw Alien, you can appreciate this - thing - popping out of a guy's stomach
and doing its best "Michigan J. Frog" impression..
"Hello my baby hello my honey hello my ragtime gal.
Send me a kiss by wire, baby my heart's on fire!"
"If you refuse me honey don't lose me, then you'll be left alone oh baby telephone, and
tell me I'm your own!"
Cate Blanchett: Hot Fuzz
Actor Cate Blanchett's a pretty big deal, in case you missed it.
So it makes perfect sense that she'd be in a big-deal movie like Hot Fuzz, right?
What makes less sense, however, is how she shows up for less than two minutes, never
shows her face, never appears again, and never gets credited for her role, despite that role
being that of the main character's estranged girlfriend.
"Hello?
"Janine, it's me."
"I know.
I'm at work."
"I know.
I'm outside."
Blanchett's Janine is a crime scene investigator clad head-to-toe in a white examiner suit,
which leads to the wonderful scene where Simon Pegg starts talking to her, only to realize
he's talking to the wrong person in a white suit.
"Janine, I've been transferred, I'm moving away for a while."
"I'm not Janine."
"Janine, I've been transferred, I'm moving away for a while."
He and the real Janine have an argument about Pegg's character being a workaholic.
And that's it.
That's all Cate Blanchett did in this film.
But since the scene was so delightful, and delightfully British, it's also all she needed
to do.
Kurt Russell: Forrest Gump
One of the first famous people young Forrest Gump mingled with was a pre-fame Elvis Presley.
At the time, he was just some southern kid with a guitar — though Forrest did accidentally
teach The King his signature dance move.
"I started moving around to the music, swinging my hips."
The guy physically playing Elvis is just Some Guy, but the voice is none other than Kurt
Russell, who showed up to sing a little bit of "Hound Dog" in the voiceover booth:
"You ain't nothing but a…"
"I liked that guitar."
"hound dog.."
"It sounded good."
crying all the time"
Voicing Elvis was, in a way, taking it full circle for Russell.
Fifteen years before Forrest Gump, he had played Elvis in a movie called, appropriately
enough, Elvis: The Movie.
But he didn't actually get to sing — country star Ronnie McDowell handled that.
But thanks to Forrest, Russell can finally say he played the Elvis role completely.
It just took him a while to get there.
Brad Pitt & Matt Damon: Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind
Based on the not-true story of Dating Game creator Chuck Barris being a CIA assassin,
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind sported an all star director in George Clooney.
He naturally used his star power to bring in fellow superstars, such as Matt Damon and
Brad Pitt, and naturally had them do … well, pretty much nothing.
Literally the only time you see either Damon or Pitt is when they appear on Barris' Dating
Game.
They never say anything, and they never even attempt to woo the girl.
They just sit there as the camera quickly pans past them.
That's all.
You barely have enough time to process the fact that two of the biggest stars on the
planet are playing the equivalent of movie extras.
Finally, the camera focuses on Bachelor #3, a schlubby guy who inexplicably wins anyway,
beating out his two gorgeous contestants.
Still, the audience getting to see two of the top actors in the world for a whopping
ten seconds only to never see them again is a bigger punchline than all of Barris' insane
stories combined.
Glenn Close: Hook
Don't feel bad.
There's a good chance you didn't notice Glenn Close in Hook at all.
But there she is, playing one of Captain Hook's many underling pirates.
But no matter how much you pause and stare at the screen to catch a tiny glimpse of Close
in the crowd, you won't find her.
That's because she's not in the crowd.
Instead, she's the bearded pirate getting brutally punished for betting against Hook's
success.
It's amazing what happens when you put down the razor for a few days.
Yes, that's Close, playing a bearded, male pirate named Gutless, sporting manlier whiskers
than pretty much any guy could ever hope to grow.
Living up to his name, Gutless immediately starts groveling and crying when he realizes
that Hook knows he's a traitor.
"Say it.
Say it."
"I did."
"Yes you did a boo boo."
"I did."
He's then tossed into the "Boo Box," a treasure chest that the other pirates throw live scorpions
into, until Gutless apparently dies from being, umm, scorpioned to death.
Dan Aykroyd: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
Dan Aykroyd has one of the more distinct voices in Hollywood, so it's a shocker that he was
actually able to pull off an uncredited cameo and have so few people realize it was him.
And yet, he did just that with Indiana Jones and the Temple Of Doom.
He's the guy escorting Indy and his gal pal - along with Short Round - onto a plane, all
while apologizing that they'll have to ride with a bunch of chickens.
In the 15 or so seconds you see Aykroyd on-screen, you never actually see his face close up,
which explains a lot of why his cameo went so under the radar for viewers.
"I'm Art Weber.
I spoke with your assistant, I managed to secure three seats."
Michael Bay: Mystery Men
While he's not an actor per se, Michael Bay is as famous as anyone he directs.
And whenever he insists his movies are actually good, we're forced to suspend disbelief more
than we do whenever Tom Hanks plays a mean guy.
Seriously, we're just not buying it, Tom.
But Bay managed to get himself in front of the camera a while back, albeit briefly.
If you watched Ben Stiller's 1999 superhero spoof Mystery Men...and judging by the box
office take, not many of you did...you would have seen Michael Bay for a glorious four
seconds.
He's the fratty doofus bro at the evil guy's meeting.
And that's basically it.
He doesn't even come back to hit Ben Stiller in the head with an evil beer can.
Really, if you think about it, it's absolutely perfect that Bay played a frat guy — that
is, after all, his target demographic.
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