- Our next performer is where I put my penis
when I'm thinking about Pamela Anderson.
(audience laughs) She is one
of only two people in this room
who have given me a blow job.
That's right, I'm talking to you, Carolla.
- I'm not gonna make fun of Jimmy this year
because I don't want him to withhold his tiny penis from me.
But, that's so hacky, he doesn't have a tiny penis.
It looks small next to his gigantic balls.
(upbeat music) (audience cheers)
- I'll start with the Jewiest and work my way down.
Sarah Silverman is here. (audience cheers)
Sarah and I actually worked together on the film
"Take This Waltz," which she was great in.
She actually did full frontal nudity in the movie,
which was fantastic.
It was amazing.
I always thought she was very liberal
but it turns out she's actually a giant Bush supporter.
(audience laughs)
Huge.
- I saw the movie, "The Guilt Trip."
Seth, what was it like working with Barbara Streisand,
and how did you two tell each other apart?
(audience laughs) Like,
did one of you wear a carnation or?
Was it something like that?
Seth's parents actually met at a kibbutz.
If you don't know what a kibbutz is,
it's a community in Israel where apparently
they don't allow abortions. (audience laughs)
- Sarah Silverman, so amazing. (audience cheers)
So beautiful.
I think you're gorgeous and I think it's crazy,
because everyone's like, "She's hot for a comic."
But I don't agree 'cause she's not just hot for a comic.
She's hot for someone her age.
- That's right. (audience laughs)
- Seriously, Sarah, you were my favorite comic as a kid.
(audience laughs)
And people say it's too late for Sarah to become successful
in movies at her age.
I, again, do not agree.
It's not impossible.
I mean, it's not like they're asking you to bear children
or anything like that. (audience laughs)
'Cause you can't do that. (laughs)
- Nope.
Right before the show started,
Seth rolled a gigantic fatty
because that was the only way we could get Jonah Hill
onto the stage.
(Seth and Jonah laugh) (audience cheers)
Jonah Hill is here, I love Jonah.
Jonah is such a Jewie dick,
you have to watch his movies through a hole in a sheet.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Jonah actually gained 50 pounds for his role
in the new Martin Scorsese film
because the producers wanted the character
to be a Jonah Hill type. (audience laughs)
But he slimmed down a lot last year.
But what Jonah lost in weight, he gained in weight.
(audience laughs)
Jonah, on a scale from one to 10, do you own a scale?
(audience laughs)
But seriously, you've had such a body transformation
in the past couple years.
You've come a long way from just being Sonny
and Cher's daughter. (audience laughs)
- Sarah Silverman's had more ugly men inside her
than ComicCon. (audience laughs)
- Natasha Leggero, everybody. (audience cheers)
I love Natasha so much.
This is Natasha's first roast, you guys.
She's like a little Chihuahua,
'cause she's teeny tiny and she's feisty
and she's filled with Mexican DNA.
(audience laughs)
Just to be clear, when I say filled with Mexican DNA,
I mean she's filled with the cum of Mexican people.
(audience laughs)
Like, from tons of Mexican gentlemen
coming inside her vast vagina
and also from her guzzling cum,
I just didn't want there to be a misunderstanding.
- Our next performer is where I put my penis
when I'm thinking about Pamela Anderson.
(audience laughs)
She is one of only two people in this room
who have given me a blow job.
That's right, I'm talking to you Carolla.
She is one of the hairiest women on the planet.
She is the Zira to my Cornelius.
Please say hello to the apple of my eye
and the plum in my anus, Sarah Silverman.
- I'm not gonna make fun of Jimmy this year
because I don't want him to withhold his tiny penis from me.
But, that's so hacky, he doesn't have a tiny penis.
It looks small next to his gigantic balls.
(audience laughs)
I can't, I'm a ball, man.
(audience cheers) You know how like,
(audience member whistles) you know how a smell can
just totally take you back to a place?
Like the other day I went into an elevator
and it smelled just like the hallway of my high school?
Jimmy's balls smell exactly like my Nana's house.
(audience laughs) - They smell like lemons!
- Benson and Hedges Deluxe Ultra Lights and brisket.
(audience laughs)
God, I miss her. (audience laughs)
I don't know, maybe it's the other way around.
Maybe my Nana's house all these years
have smelled like Jimmy's balls.
Maybe that's how you know it's the one.
(audience laughs)
I'll never forget the first time I saw Jimmy's balls,
they were on Adam Carolla's chin.
(audience laughs and applauds)
All right, I'm getting mushy and romantic.
- I wanna thank Jimmy Kimmel for hosting.
He's been great. - Yes he has!
- Yes, he's been so great. (audience applauds)
But I wanna thank Jimmy, Adam, Greg, Nick, Andy,
and everyone else in the room
that Sarah Silverman has fucked.
(audience cheers)
- Pam Anderson, wow. (audience cheers)
Now, I don't really know Pam personally,
but I'll never forget the first time I saw her asshole.
(audience laughs)
- And it was rosy pink! - I knew she had
that special something.
I couldn't put my finger in it.
(audience laughs)
She's gorgeous, of course.
But even she'll admit that it takes work, you know?
I mean she literally spends hours primping and waxing
and bleaching, but enough about her asshole.
Let's talk about, (audience laughs)
say, her vagina.
It's the only way you can tell a woman's true hair color
and lucky for you, I actually caught a glimpse
of it backstage while she was changing,
and her true hair color?
Bald. Totally bald. - See? Yeah, exactly.
(audience cheers) - Go for it!
- You know, a lot of people say, "Oh,
Pam Anderson wouldn't be anyone without her tits."
I'm mean that is just not true.
It's not true.
She'd be Paris Hilton.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Everybody was doing jokes about Bea Arthur has a penis.
It's so mean, and I happen to know for a fact
that she doesn't have a penis.
She has a vagina, okay?
She has a big, floppity, sloppy, bushy, wiry, gray vagina.
(audience cheers)
Courtney Love is here, who I love.
(audience cheers)
- I'm trying to steal your boyfriend.
- I know, it's okay.
I was like, it's weird.
Like I was curious to see
which Courtney Love was gonna show up, you know?
The smeared lipstick, crazy coke whore,
or the violent smeared lipstick, crazy coke whore?
(audience laughs and applauds)
Wow. No, I'm so glad she's here.
I left my crack in my other purse.
(audience laughs) - I don't do that anymore,
Sarah! (audience member whistles)
I swear to God, it's been a year!
- [Sarah] You got it, doll.
(upbeat music)