Talia, actually before school, was quite a happy little soul.
She was quirky, she was very quiet,
and very, very intense. "Really intense".
She would look at people and they'd go,
'she's looking right through me your child'.
You know how funny that people say autistic people don't make eye contact,
when people would say,
'your child, whoa she looks at me and she's looking straight into me',
"and she won't break her gaze".
She won't break her gaze, she would just stare,
like right at you, into you.
Amazing and something about that
and she was a happy little thing,
loved singing and loved dancing around.
Quite quiet, compared with her older sister,
which at the time we didn't know that her older sister was later diagnosed with ADHD.
So that explained why, maybe Talia wasn't quiet,
maybe she just wasn't as noisy as the older sister,
that's probably it!
But going to school suddenly there were massive changes in Talia.
She became withdrawn.
Every day was so complicated,
with her friendships, with other children not playing with her,
and she couldn't understand why.
I think she went to school very innocently,
thinking everyone's going to be my friend,
and it's going to be great!
and then everyone wasn't her friend and it wasn't great,
and so she would come out of school and I would hold that little hand,
as we walked down back to the school gate on the way out
and I used to kick myself for asking the question I'd say,
'How was school?' and then "hold your breath",
hold your breath and she would talk for, an hour and a half.
she would cry, she would melt down, she would just be saying, I hate it.
Everyone hates me,
it's really awful, the teacher doesn't like me.
It was really terrifying, they had history today and they showed black and white pictures,
and I'm terrified of black and white pictures
and I had to look at the desk because I couldn't look at the screen
and it was up there, the picture, for an hour so I looked at my desk for an hour.
or, you know, we were playing in the playground but no one would play with me.
So those experiences of being excluded and being different were there immediately.
The grief came when we realised, I think, particularly with Talia,
the damage that the outside world was doing to this child because of her Autism.
"I don't think that we realised fully how the outside world is so structured towards the neurotypical.
That if you, or your children, are not neurotypical,
you definitely, genuinely are the outsiders,
you're the other people".
Yeah and I think that is when we really grieved.
Then we really grieved, when you think your child might not live,
then you really grieve.
"And we grieved, I think, amongst other things,
for the social rejection and exclusion,
that led her to not wanting to live, not feeling there was any point".
"School is the hub of their social interaction,
with other people of their own age, with their peer group, school becomes their peer group,
and if you don't fit in your peer group,
and the school don't seem to make adjustments that are necessary,
in order to enable you to fit,
then you become more and more and more of an outsider".
I think often it's thought that autistic people,
I know I've had this said to me,
well it doesn't really matter because they don't really care about having friends anyway,
and this is a massive misnomer of all autistic people I think,
but also particularly those high functioning girls.
There's probably some boys in that category too,
but predominantly in that high functioning, autistic girls range,
they are sociable, they love having friends, they want to hang out,
and they want to be able to be themselves and hang out with friends,
they want to be able to have neurotypical friends
and neurodiverse friends.
They want to be able to experience
all of those different types of friendships,
but if you're excluded, that's really difficult,
because you're too autistic to fit into a mainstream school,
but you're kind of too academic and too high functioning to fit into a special school.
So you don't really fit anywhere,
and that feeling of not fitting in anywhere,
leads to an added feeling of isolation, and that isolation can lead to sadness
and that sadness to a deep depression, that deep depression, to suicidal ideation and self-harm.
When you're raising, like we are, four children with special needs,
you're hoping, sometimes against all hope,
that somehow they will turn out okay and that they'll be okay.
So it's been incredible to have Talia here at 18,
alive at 18, is a miracle,
and to see her not just alive but thriving, is a whole other thing.
For Talia life changed, because she didn't change.
The world changed around her, "Yeah", and bit by bit,
she began to believe in that little girl that had started school with so many hopes and dreams,
could live again, "yeah", but that took a long while.
You know, that mindset change, she didn't have the mindset change.
You know it'd be lovely to say she had a big mindset change and suddenly the world all changed around her.
No, the world changed, the world changed the way it was around her.
That's what we were asking for all along and we were proven right,
because the minute the circumstances and the environment that she was working in changed,
that child, that young woman, that now adult,
suddenly could flourish.
Hollyoaks which is made by Line Pictures,
decided that, like everything they do, they don't do it by half,
so if we're going to have an autistic person,
we need to make sure that we understand that autistic person.
They had people that came in and did training.
She had a creative enabler,
that worked with her for the first two months, that was on set the whole time.
She had her own room that was set aside just for her to have quiet time.
She had a chaperone.
Every single script that was sent,
it was made sure there were no changes made to that script.
Every director and all the cast were trained,
so that when Talia goes on to set,
everyone knows, don't make loads of loud noises.
If you're going to have a sudden bang, you'll need to warn her beforehand.
Smells, "it's amazing, amazing", environment, all the sensory stuff,
is looked at before she goes on to set.
And what's really interesting is
because she's really understood,
Talia has also been able to move slightly more towards the centre too.
So that's something we hadn't expected. "Yes she's much more flexible".
So she's become way more flexible because she's loved and accepted and celebrated
and adjusted for.
How do we access you, how do we bring out what's potentially in there?
"If all behaviour is communication, what are you trying to tell me?"
Even when you're punching me in the face, in the case of our little boy,
it would be okay,
first up I need to leave the room because I've just been punched in the face,
but once I get over myself and go over what's happened,
let me just come back in and try and work out what's going on?
Where's this coming from?
And similarly with with Talia, you know,
whatever those behaviours were, those negative behaviours,
and most of that was self-destructive behaviour.
What's happened? You're trying to tell me something, I need you to know.
I am listening.
I am really attempting to hear you.
And if you can't use words, I don't mind.
If it's your journal, or if it's your art, or if it's dance, or it's something,
just show me, because I am desperate to hear you right now.
And I think with each of our children,
that's what we're trying to say,
sometimes with great success and sometimes with very little success.
It's hit and miss,
but hopefully we're hearing more than we're not hearing.
But I think that's the challenge for all of us as parents,
is trying to hear what any child actually, what are you saying?
With some children it's so clear what they're saying,
with other children, it's a lot more subtle.
Of all children that are referred to child and adolescent mental health services,
only 25% will get an actual appointment.
Whether that appointment then leads on to help is another mountain you've got to face.
So, because there is a crisis in our children's mental health services,
it means that you are only going to access that service when you are in an absolute crisis,
and by that, "yeah", we mean, probably at the extent where you have made an attempt on your life.
So, if this is the bar that you have to reach in order to access services,
we are completely failing our children and young people.
Who really could have had this situation dealt with so much earlier,
could have had that help so much earlier,
and would not need to get to that point of absolute crisis,
by the time they receive any help or strategies.
One of the things that has happened in all of the communities that are part of the SEND world,
is that they have found their own groups.
So we started a group in our home,
that was to support the families of high-functioning, autistic girls.
I mean, that's a really specific niche market right?
You'd think, in our area, we'd have half a dozen people that could come to that.
Well, we've been running for six years and we have over 140 families.
So the need is out there,
but what happens in that group is that we can support one another.
When someone says my child did this last night,
another parent will go, yeah my child's doing that,
and I've applied for such and such.
Someone else in the group will say,
Oh I've been applying for that and you know what you need to do.
So there is help around.
"I would say to anybody who feels as though they're completely isolated,
and they don't know how to access things,
and they don't have the kind of organisational skills to get the help that they know, you know,
they need, their child, needs whatever,
but find a group near you of a like-minded people.
Hunt them down".
There's a lot on Facebook, as well as lots of parent groups and those are really, really helpful.
You can put a question up on site,
and within about ten minutes you've got like 100 people going, this is what I did.