Whoo!
Still Harry.
All right.
You two are perfect for each other!
I was trying to look cute.
And look what-- I can't even repeat it.
You have an alter ego when you go on vacation.
Yeah.
I can't go on a vacation right now because I just can't
deal with Gail at the moment.
I need to rest before Gail.
OK.
Why did you name her Gail?
I didn't.
She almost named herself.
I think my girlfriend's probably named her Gail, just
by the way I look.
And it's a very specific drunk, too.
It's not just like every time I'm drunk, I turn into this--
I think she's like some sort of tortoise gambler or something.
Like, I don't I don't always turn
into this masculine alter ego that
like jumps into shark-ridden waters
just to make my friends laugh.
My friends were like, that's too far, Jen.
Like, no.
Not funny.
It's not every time.
I think it might be rum, which is
what I brought up to Colbert.
Because the only time I drink rum is on vacation.
Well, you're on vacation.
Bring the rum.
[CHEERING]
I can't.
I can't keep doing this!
Oh, my go.
I can't!
I really can't.
I'll take this one.
OK.
They're all labeled.
That's rum punch.
They're fake, right?
Are they?
Let's see if they are.
That's real.
Yeah.
Oh, my god.
This is going to turn into--
But you don't normally--
--my whole thing.
I'm not this big of a drinker.
When I'm on a press tour, I really drink a lot.
Yeah.
Only on a press tour?
Yeah, but if I'm working like filming, then I--
No.
--can't.
It's not like I'm like this every night.
No.
Well, you wouldn't be able to because you're
very professional.
No, but on press tours, it's the only way to make it through.
Yeah.
So let's talk about Gail some more while you drink that.
Gail's a lovely-- she's got a heart of gold.
You know?
Uh-huh.
She's just--
Can we show a picture of Gail?
Because she does look very different.
There she is!
There is my girl!
So that's how--
Zoom in, please!
That's how you normally look.
And then Gail is-- what is the difference there?
First of all, that's not how I norm-- oh, my god.
Look!
I was trying to look cute.
I was getting photographed with all my girlfriends
on the beach.
Like, I wanted to look cute.
And look what-- I can't even repeat it.
My whole face is just crooked.
It's a different face.
Yeah.
That's not your normal smile.
No.
I hope not.
No.
I mean, it might be.
I don't know.
No.
But the hair, too.
Just so presidential.
Yeah.
What happens?
So you become braver.
You go into shark-infested waters.
I'll just give you five seconds of Gail.
OK.
So from there, we went conch diving.
And we pull up the conch.
And the guy driving our boat goes, look.
They all have little worms.
I took it out of his hand and swallowed it and then pulled
the worms out of all the conchs and swallowed all the worms.
And some of my friends are kind of laughing,
but they're like, hello?
Hello?
And then we pull up.
And he's like, and this is where the fishermen
clean all the fish out.
So there's all these sharks here.
And I was like, sick!
And I just jumped in!
[LAUGHS]
And everyone's like, somebody get her some water and coffee.
She's going to die!
Wow.
It was just like one masculine-- like, what is it?
What are those people called?
Adrenaline junkie?
Adrenaline junkies.
Yeah.
And I'm normally pretty cautious.
Uh-huh.
I've never really broken--
You sit like that?
I sit like this--
[LAUGHS] Wow.
--in my real life.
And then you get rum in me, and I'm just like,
let's arm wrestle!
Uh-huh.
So Steve, the last time--
was it the last time you were here that you scared me?
I got you!
You know how hard it is try to scare me?
Everyone's tried to scare me throughout the years,
and I just don't scare easily.
And the last time Steve was here, they got me good.
This is Steve last time.
You can catch our first guest every week on the hit
NBC show The Office.
Take a look.
To do a presentation to an international client.
And I have always been intrigued by all things international.
I couldn't think of anyone better
to share my 900th show with.
Please welcome--
Ellen DeGeneres!
Oh, my god!
[CHEERING]
[LAUGHS] Yes!
[CHEERING]
Got you.
You got me.
[CHEERING]
So because of that, when Steve got here today,
I was hiding in his dressing room in the bathroom.
And I--
I knew it.
--got him.
I knew it!
Ah!
Oh, my god!
[APPLAUSE]
I was prepared for it!
Oh, I knew it!
Oh, I was so prepared for that.
Oh!
Were you?
Oh!
I thought it was going to be too obvious.
I was like, mm.
No.
And this is like, oh, a picture of--
Huh?
A picture in the camera.
Oh, oh!
Hey!
Yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
I knew it.
You did!
And you know what?
[APPLAUSE]
In my mind, I had sort of planned for it.
I didn't know it was going to happen then.
And I had something that I was going to try,
but I thought it may be in really bad taste.
Try scaring me right now.
This is what I was going to do.
OK.
Rah!
Ah!
Oh, god!
[GROANS] Oh, oh.
I'm serious!
No.
I'm serious!
Oh.
I'm serious!
And I was going to go, and I wasn't going to let up.
Oh, no.
No, no.
And I was going to make you cry at the thought
that you had actually done some damage to me or given me--
What a--
--a heart attack.
--horrible thing.
Don't ever do that to anyone!
No.
You never want to do that.
OK.
Never have I ever had phone sex.
[LAUGHTER]
You liar.
I'm not lying.
Really?
Wow.
Never have I ever used someone else's toothbrush
without telling them.
Ew.
[LAUGHTER]
Never have I ever fooled around in a bathroom during a party.
[LAUGHTER]
This is the 21st century.
These are tame.
Yeah.
Never have I ever forgotten the name
of the person I was fooling around with.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
Come on!
You two are perfect for each other.
That's all that we have.
Oh, let's--
I know.
Let's do more.
It's a fun game, right?
It is.
Oh, yeah.
I know.
I feel like I'm getting to know my new boyfriend.
[LAUGHTER]
Whoo!
[CHEERING]
Great.
Come up with a question and we'll answer it right now,
on the spot.
Never have I ever had [CLEARS THROAT] sex with two
different people--
with more than two different people in one day.
[LAUGHTER]
Here.
I'll show you the video.
Here you are surfing with your daughter.
Mm-hmm.
Look at the ominous clouds, that you go, let's go out here,
honey.
This seems safe.
And look at her on his back!
Oh, wow.
That is impressive.
Yeah.
[LAUGHS]
But wait a minute.
Why would you go out in that kind of storm that's about to--
Well, it was a quick surf because that
was approaching rapidly.
Right.
And so it's hard enough to--
I mean, I've never surfed.
But I would think it's hard enough to surf without somebody
clinging to your throat.
Yeah.
I mean, I occasionally get back problems.
And ever since I've started doing that,
they've gotten worse.
Right.
It's 20 pounds extra weight, but it's also,
you're being choked out.
It's like Brazilian jiu-jitsu meets surfing.
But was it your idea?
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
And [LAUGHS] I didn't think it would stick.
And they're like, more, more, more!
You and Matt Damon are pals.
Yeah.
So he went with his family.
They're hanging out with you.
Yeah.
You're saying that it's safe to go in the water.
Well, yeah.
[LAUGHS] Well, so the first-- he came a while ago.
And he's like, oh, what about the snakes
and the sharks and the spiders?
I'm like, man, you're fine.
There's nothing.
It's all whatever.
Anyway, his daughter did get he came on the show
and told the story about how his daughter got
a jellyfish sting which was one of the worst I've ever seen.
Yes.
And I was like, that's a one-off.
That's a thing-- wow.
What a random thing.
So he comes back over again, gives it
a second shot, Australia.
And we pull up to the cafe.
He gets out of the car.
He takes one step and just takes a six-foot leap,
jump backwards.
And he goes, oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
Huge, big snake and he stood straight on it.
And he's like, you keep telling me
that they're more scared of you and dah, dah, dah.
And nothing-- this is the snake and the jellyfish.
I'm like, you know what?
You're the problem!
Yeah.
It's not Australia.
It's him.
He's the problem.
So we've had to kick him out of Australia for our sake.
I see.
He gives you a bad name.
Yeah.
That's horrible.
Yeah.
[LAUGHS]
How big was it?
It was a pretty big one.
A big sleepy one, though.
[LAUGHS]
But sleepy.
Well, all right.
I'm the tourism ambassador for Australia.
All right.
It's so simple.
Who'd you rather what?
Yeah.
Well, you can decide.
You can tell me if you want to choose who'd you
rather with-- let's show you two pictures,
and you're going to choose who'd you rather.
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]
OK, this will be fun.
Yeah.
[LAUGHS]
I thought you would like it.
I like this one.
Yeah.
Hmm.
It's funny because I could do either.
[CHEERING]
Yeah.
This is a hard-- this is actually a very tough decision.
That is a--
--for my life--
--tough decision.
--right now.
Probably a couple of years ago, I would have said Zac Efron.
But today, I'm going to say Harry Styles.
All right.
[CHEERING]
I love Nick.
I know Nick.
I'm going to have to stick with Harry Styles--
Stick with Harry.
--again.
All right.
Still Harry.
All right.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh!
Whoo!
[LAUGHTER]
Whoo!
Still Harry.
[LAUGHS] Harry.
Oh, no!
Same Harry.
Original Harry.
Whoo.
Hmm.
That's nice.
I'm still going to say--
how did Harry Styles become my--
I don't know.
OK.
Harry Styles again.
That's nice doesn't sound good.
Oh, Lenny!
See, I know Lenny, too.
I like Lenny.
Right.
I think I would go with Lenny over Harry.
Really?
I think so.
OK.
[CHEERING]
Oh, oh, oh, Leo!
I pick Leo over Lenny.
OK.
[CHEERING]
Still Leo.
All right.
And I love Sean.
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]
Is he on the show today?
Yeah.
He was on a few weeks ago.
Right.
Yeah.
He was--
Right.
What am I thinking?
He was here a long time ago.
Yeah.
I'm going to--
Don't worry about it.
I'm going to stick with Leo.
All right.
Leo.
I like Taye, but Leo.
Yeah.
Leo.
I love Jamie.
Leo.
Yeah.
Whoo!
Oh, I love Bruno!
Bruno, I love.
I'm going to go with Bruno.
Really?
Yeah.
[CHEERING]
Wow.
Yeah.
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, Ryan!
Ryan's like my-- I mean, he's like my brother.
Yeah.
He shouldn't even be on there.
That's not--
No, it's just weird.
That's not fair.
Ooh.
Hmm.
Oh, oh.
Bradley.
All right.
Oh, damn.
And let's just go back to Harry and end it with Harry.
It's a new rule.
I just made it up.
Let's go back to Harry.
All right.
So Harry is the boyfriend.
[LAUGHS]
[APPLAUSE]
[DINGING]
All right.
The last time you were on here, we showed a little bit of it.
We played Who'd You Rather.
[LAUGHS]
And no matter who we put up, you chose Rihanna.
Yes.
And I assume she's called you.
She hasn't!
No.
[LAUGHS] It's OK.
I don't take offense.
She is Rihanna.
Rihanna, how dare you?
No!
Look, I just want to make out.
OK?
[LAUGHS] I mean, we could do a song together, too.
Maybe we could make out in the video.
I don't know.
Maybe.
You know what?
Now she will call you.
Yeah.
[LAUGHS] Shoot my shot.
Are you on dating apps?
Are you going to do something like that?
No.
No dating-- I was on dating apps for a while.
But as I've spent some time with myself
over the past couple of months, I
realized that I am the type of person that
will find any way to regulate when I'm sad, or lonely,
or whatever.
I have to fight those battles on my own.
And I can't let somebody come in and fix those issues for me.
So right now, I'm single and spending my Saturday
nights by myself and--
[CHEERING]
Laughing?
Taking baths?
Laughing.
Taking baths.
Good.
Good for you.
[MUSIC PLAYING]