Hey, Fearminimalist. It's Sophilia Lark of the fearminimalist.com, providing trauma recovery
tools to help women of color heal their mother wound. Today, I'm going to share my three-step
process to help you set solid and consistent boundaries with your mother. So keep watching.
For the best trauma recovery tips, tools, and strategies, be sure to hit that subscribe button
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every single week. If this is your first time joining me today, I am a survivor of mother wound
trauma, a licensed professional counselor, a certified clinical trauma professional,
helping women of color resolve their mother wound trauma and build resilience.
All right, so this three step process that I'm going to share with you today, I have used it for
many, many years to make sure that I keep my promise to myself, which I call my code
of honor to uphold the relational limits and the boundaries that I deem necessary
to have the life that I desire. And this is called the “know, say, and do” process.
The first step is to know your boundaries. Now, knowing what you stand for - that typically comes
from the creation or the realization of your values. So, what do you value in life? Because
boundaries are usually values-based. And so if you value peace or freedom or honesty,
family, communication, respect, whatever those essential values are
for you, those are the things that are typically going to underlie your boundaries. So for me,
one of my biggest values is peace. And so if my mother, or anybody for that matter,
violates my boundary for tranquility and peacefulness and quietness and order in my life,
I am able to set the boundary to let them know where I stand. So you're not going to impose your
beliefs or your habits or your behaviors into my peaceful space without me saying anything.
And so when I know what my boundaries are or my values are, I'm able to set
boundaries according to those values. So making sure that I have a peaceful
life, that is a lifelong goal for me. And I wake up in the morning to ensure that that happens,
and I'm not saying that everything is always going to be peaceful in my life,
but the thing that I value, one of the greatest things that I value is peace.
And so my everyday behaviors and habits are geared towards making that happen for me.
And anybody who tries to violate that, they're going to get put in their place. I'm going to let
you know where I stand and that I have a zero tolerance for drama, for gossip and intrusion
of somebody else's beliefs or behaviors into my life that violates my peace.
The second step is to say what you mean clearly and without ambiguity.
This means don't leave any doubt in your mother's mind what you are saying when you're stating your
boundaries, what you mean about what you're saying when you're stating your boundaries.
Now, this may be tough to do, especially if… I have some clients who say, "Okay, so
I've got a problem. What if my mom is a bully? What if she is so overbearing and so dramatic?...
with me, I'm a little more passive and she's just outright intimidating when
she starts talking and when she starts making her threats and her demands and that kind of thing. I
really want to say what I mean, but when I try, she puts her hand on her hip and says, ‘What?’
And she gives me that look, and I'm like, ‘Oh...’” And so, here's what I'll say to you
if you have a mother like that, if you're not able to say ... First of all, let me say this.
If you don't have a mother like that, if you are able to say what you mean clearly to your mother,
so if you feel uncomfortable about something that she's doing or something she's saying,
you can simply say, "I'm not comfortable with that," or "That's unacceptable to me.
Please don't do that again." If you don't have a confrontational, tyrannical
mother. If, on the other hand, your mother is what I just described a few seconds ago, where she is
very bullying-like and intimidating, I would say the best thing that you can do there is
remove yourself from the situation and go and get a therapist who is well versed
in mother-daughter issues who can work with you on the mindset around that. Now,
it doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to get to the point where you can
actually confront your mother because it may be dangerous to do so. But what it will mean
is that sometimes there's a mindset issue around saying no. We talk ourselves out of standing up to
our mothers because we tell ourselves, well, she's just going to bully me. She's going to
intimidate me or that kind of thing. Sometimes we talk ourselves into it,
to where we keep that cycle going. Whereas when we work on that mindset issue around that,
we realize that sometimes there is this belief that somehow she has the right to talk to you
like that because you're her daughter. "Well, my mom has a right to. I mean, she's my mom. If
it was anybody else, I'd stand up to them." And that is the problem. That's what's maintaining
that emotional cycle that's keeping you stuck in the mother wound. And so what I mean is when you
work with a therapist on this mindset issue, you begin to work on the messages and I call them,
they're false messages or lies that your mother instilled in you. When you start to work on that
and you realize that the belief that came to be as a result of that message has become your core
belief. You actually believe that about yourself. And you might even say whatever the messages that
your mother instilled in you. And so working on that mindset that's come out of those messages
is going to help you create some new beliefs where you're going to say, "Well, it's not actually true
what she says, so maybe I could muster up the courage to stand up to her," or just let her know
that, "Because you are constantly enraged when I bring up the smallest concern or question,
this is what I'm going to do." And you can set that boundary with her and you don't have
to do it face-to-face. You can actually do it over the phone or through a text or whatever,
and just let her be. But you're going to have to work on your mindset first is what I'm saying.
So, is this making sense to you? Do you think that you would be able to apply some
of the steps that I've talked about so far with your mother? Let me know in the comments below.
And the third and the final step is to do it. Set the boundary with preparation,
confidence, and respect. Now, to be able to do this successfully, you need to have
mastered the first two steps, knowing your boundaries and being able to say clearly
what you mean, leaving no doubt on your mother's mind what you mean when you're stating that
boundary. And as I said before, if you have a mindset issue around that, you're going to have
to work on that with a therapist, a mindset coach, some kind of guide who is well-versed
in mother-daughter trauma issues, and who can help you set those boundaries appropriately and work on
that mindset around it first and foremost so you can set the boundary. Because what this does is
it prepares you to think about what you're you going to say ahead of time and it actually gives
you the confidence to move forward with what you're going to say and what you're going to do
in a respectful manner so that you don't resort to those unhealthy emotional relational aspects
that have maintained that mother wound. Put downs, silent treatment, screaming and
yelling, all that kind of stuff that doesn't do anything for you. So setting yourself up to
be able to wisely implement boundaries that are going to help you live the life that you desire
is going to require that you master knowing your boundaries, first of all,
and then being able to say them. And if you are struggling with that,
you need to work on the issues that surround why you're not able to set those boundaries and say
clearly what you mean to your mother. And so that is basically the three-step process.
So now you have a process that you can use to help you set solid boundaries with your
mother. And to help you implement this process consistently, be sure to download
my free boundaries practice worksheet that you can access by clicking the link below.
Also guys, be sure to join me on social media @fearminimalist on Instagram and FearMinimalist
on Facebook where we can carry on the conversation in more depth about healing the mother wound.
Okay everybody, that will do it for today. If you liked this video, hit the like button below,
share it with your friends, drop a comment below to start the conversation about what
you learned in this video. Maybe if you'd like to see something else that I didn't touch on today,
let me know in the comments, I'd be happy to engage in that conversation with you.
And remember to subscribe by hitting the subscribe button, click the notification bell so that
you will be the first to know when I upload new content every single week. And remember that the
sun is going to rise and shine bright tomorrow. The question is, are you going to rise with it
and allow your best self to shine? I hope you do, and I will see you next time. Bye.