- I know my voice sounds a little hoarse.
It's just because I've come down with a case
of impeachment fever, baby.
And also regular fever.
It is a beautiful day.
Ambassador to the European Union Gordon Sondland just implicated
basically everyone who's ever set
foot in the Trump White House.
Was there a quid pro quo?
As I testified previously, with regard to the requested
White House call and the White House meeting,
the answer is yes.
Mr. Giuliani conveyed to Secretary Perry, Ambassador
Volker, and others that President Trump wanted
a public statement from President
Zelensky committing to investigations of Burisma
and the 2016 election.
We all understood that these prerequisites for the White
House call and the White House meeting
reflected President Trump's desires and requirements.
All right.
I think we can all take our impeachment balls
and go home now, because that is the whole ball game.
Up until now, the witnesses who publicly
testified in the impeachment hearings
have been a cautious, sober bunch.
Taken together they laid out a damning case,
but they didn't exactly give good soundbites.
I am not here to take one side or the other.
I do not understand Mr. Giuliani's
motives for attacking me.
Nor can I offer an opinion on whether he
believed the allegations he spread about me.
I don't believe I'm in a position to characterize
it further than the president did
in terms of asking for a favor.
You know what these hearings could use?
A guy who paid a million dollars for his ambassadorship.
Luckily, here comes this smug Wallace
Shawn-looking motherfucker to blow the doors off this thing.
Not only did Sondland leave Trump's defense in tatters.
He also implicated Mick Mulvaney, Mike Pompeo, and Mike
Pence, and he did it as happily as
if he were enjoying his own "Eyes
Wide Shut" birthday party.
Guys, I think the Democrats have been
going about this all wrong.
They've been relying on respectable,
objective witnesses.
But of course, that was never going to work.
In order to catch a selfish, idiotic hotel business guy,
you have to send a selfish, idiotic hotel business guy.
[CHEERING]
Sondland's testimony was way more damning
than anyone knew it would be.
Ranking Republican member Devin Nunes was caught so off guard.
He couldn't even begin his questioning on time.
Mr. Chairman, I yield back.
ADAM SCHIFF: That concludes our 45 minutes.
I now recognize Mr. Nunes.
Oh, OK.
Why don't we take a five or 10-minute break.
We're going to take a five to 10-minute
break so we don't have to watch a grown man cry.
Ooh, that is hard to watch.
Let's see it again with the quintessential song
of self-pity.
[MUSIC - REM, "EVERYBODY HURTS"]
(SINGING) Everybody hurts.
If you're not Devin Nunes, it was honestly really
fun to watch Gordon Sondland.
It's relaxing to see someone who knows they're a piece of shit,
and they're just like, yup.
Well, he also testified that you confirmed to President
Trump that you were in Ukraine at the time
and that President Zelensky quote, "loves your ass,"
unquote.
Do you recall saying that?
Yeah, it sounds like something I would say.
[LAUGHTER]
That's how President Trump and I communicate,
a lot of four-letter words.
Cool.
Anyway, back to the crimes.
Sondland was also weirdly proud of the fact
that he never takes notes.
You are not a note-taker, right?
I'm not a note-taker-- never have been.
There are several other conversations that you cannot
recall because you don't have your notes
or your documents or your emails or other information.
But you remember that call specifically,
exactly what the president said to you
in response to your question about what do you want.
Why is that?
I remember the first girl I kissed.
I mean--
It was three days ago, and I paid her $2,000.
Who wants to party?
Gordon Sondland was at the hearings for a good time,
but not a long time.
When they lasted longer than a three-martini lunch,
he started to get cranky.
ADAM SCHIFF: Let's take a 30-minute recess
to allow Ambassador Sondland to get a bit to eat.
I think the members of the committee
might like to get a bite to eat.
And then we will resume with the member rounds
of questioning of five minutes.
Oh my god.
You made plans for after this.
You are the star witness in an impeachment hearing.
Unless you have afternoon plans to testify
at a different impeachment hearing,
you should clear your schedule.
Unlike Nunes, Trump was not at a loss for words
after watching Sondland's morning testimony.
And unlike Sondland, he did take notes--
big notes, sad notes.
So he's going, what do you want?
What do you want?
I hear all these theories.
What do you want?
Right?
And now here's my response that he gave--
just gave-- ready?
You have the cameras rolling?
I say to the Ambassador in response, I want nothing.
I want nothing.
I want no quid pro quo.
Tell Zelensky-- President Zelensky to do the right thing.
Wow, this one-man show you're auditioning for sounds bad.
I want nothing.
Stella.
It's a good thing that Gordon Sondland turned out
to be a born reality star, because Democrats
are not particularly good at crafting compelling soundbites.
I mean, except for Representative Peter Welch.
And you know, I'll say this to President Trump.
You want to investigate Joe Biden.
You want to investigate Hunter Biden.
Go at it.
Do it.
Do it hard.
Do it dirty.
Do it the way you do do it.
And then Welch shuffled his papers
and said, oh, I'm sorry that was for Devin Nunes's mom.
Hey-o!
Gordon Sondland is such a delightful dirtbag
idiot that it's easy to lose sight
of what actually did today.
He is a firsthand witness to this conspiracy,
and he confirms that the president, the vice president,
the chief of staff, and the Secretary of State
all knew about it.
And I, for one, am grateful for this patriotic American.
And I can't wait for his future reality show, Who Wants to get
Screwed by a Millionaire?
Just kidding.
Fuck this guy.