My name is Dr Emma Gray, and I'm the Lead Clinical Psychologist at the British CBT & Counselling
Service.
And in this video, I'm going to share six tips to help you to cope with miscarriage.
And if you're having to watch this video, you don't need me to tell you that having
a miscarriage is devastating.
You've lost a child, and, no matter where that baby was in its development, you need
to grieve.
But, these six tips will help you to survive that process and come out the other side.
So, the first tip is to remember that you can conceive.
Now, you're going to hear this a lot over the next few weeks and months, and it may
actually start to make you feel quite angry because it's like, "Well, yeah, great, I can
conceive, but I still don't have a baby."
However, it is important that you hold onto the fact that you and your partner are compatible—you
managed to conceive together.
And this is important because it does seem to be that miscarriage is a part of building
a family; and with one in three pregnancies ending in miscarriage, women who have had
two or more children will probably have had one.
I, myself, have had three miscarriages, but I've also had four children.
Miscarriage seems to be nature's way of ensuring the survival of the human race, by only allowing
the strongest pregnancies to continue.
So, keep in your mind that unexplained miscarriage does not mean there is something wrong with
you.
It actually means your body is functioning as it should, and that it is more likely than
not that you will carry a baby to term next time.
And the statistics bear this out; miscarriage is usually a one-time occurrence, most women
after a miscarriage go on to have a healthy pregnancy.
Less than 5% of women have two miscarriages, and 1% of women have three or more.
Okay, the second tip is to try and understand your feelings.
When you have a miscarriage, a number of well-documented stages will be triggered—these are known
as the stages of grieving.
And if you want to know a little bit more about these stages, I'm going to put a link
to a couple of videos about grieving in the description.
But, briefly, these stages include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally,
acceptance.
Now, you're not going to move through these stages one after the other, and you're going
to jump between them, but these stages all together are designed by nature to help you
to deal with a loss—to help you to adapt to the new reality and come out the other
side.
So, keep in your mind you are built to handle this—you are built to handle the emotions
that you are experiencing.
And they are a sign that you are on a path to a place where you will be able to bear
this unbearable experience—and as I said, I'll put a link to the other videos on grief
and how to manage that in the description below.
The third tip is to try and harness your grief, take that negative energy and direct it towards
something positive that will give you a sense of purpose, and of well-being.
It may be that you decide to direct that energy towards getting your mind and body in a good
healthy balance for the next pregnancy if that feels right for you.
Okay, the fourth tip is to focus your mind on the present—to stay connected to what's
happening now, so that you are able to reconnect to what the world still has to offer you.
Try not to predict the future—particularly if your predictions are negative and catastrophic.
There are a couple of ways you can do this: you can practice meditation (meditation has
been shown to keep your mind present and to reduce feelings of distress) but you can also
try filling your days with routines and tasks that give you a sense of achievement and of
pleasure—these can build up your sense of well-being, self-esteem, and confidence.
Okay, the fifth tip is to try and trust your body.
The amazing thing is that after a miscarriage—as soon as you stop bleeding—your body will
start to prepare for another baby.
Approximately 14 days after you finish bleeding, your ovaries will produce another egg; a potential
life has already begun.
Now, the advice about trying again after a miscarriage varies from waiting one cycle
to up to six—and the research isn't particularly clear, so, you kind of have to go with what
feels right for you and your partner.
But, keep in your mind that your body is ready to go again, straight away, and there's something
inherently reassuring about this; that no matter what, life will find a way.
Remember, you are designed to have a baby—and you will—you are more likely than not to
have a baby, just not necessarily on your time-frame.
The sixth tip is a different way of thinking about miscarriage, particularly if you've
had more than one.
So, there's been a study, relatively recently, that has shown that women who have miscarriages
have wombs that are maybe too good at accepting embryos—they will let in, or let embryos
implant, regardless of their quality—so they may let embryos implant that other women’s
wombs might reject.
So, this study concludes that it's almost a super-fertility that is responsible for
miscarriage.
So, you may have one woman with a selective womb that would take 18 months to conceive
a child and have a baby, and then a woman with a super-fertile womb may, in that 18
month period, have numerous pregnancies, or conceive numerous times, and miscarry every
time—both women will eventually have a baby, but they will have very different experiences.
They will experience a different type of frustration and pain in that period.
So, instead of thinking, "There's something wrong with me," you could consider thinking,
"My body's too good at this."
So, that's the end of this video.
If you found it helpful, please like, subscribe, and share with your friends.
And I'll see you soon.