- And I have one last and final rule.
Scott is no longer allowed in my Pizzeria.
What are you doing here?
- I'm Scott, and I eat all kinds of pizza.
Mark is a pizza purist.
So we're trying the craziest concoctions,
claiming to be pizza.
But are they "Really Dough?"
OK, I know I'm not supposed to be here.
Before I leave forever,
I got a special surprise for you.
- What?
- Mike, over at Tony Boloney's.
Has a new pie, he's super nervous about it
because it costs a lot of money to make.
- How expensive?
- Sixty, 70, 80 bucks a slice or something.
- A slice? - Yeah.
He won't tell me anything about it.
He just says I've got this crazy pie,
but I don't know if people are gonna go for it.
So he wants to get our expert opinions on it.
- At Tony Boloney's? - Yeah, Hoboken.
I mean he'll just give it to us.
He's not gonna charge us.
- All right, all right let's go.
- You're up for it? - Yep.
- Awesome!
- Come on, take my car.
- We're not-- you can't park that thing in Hoboken
unless you pull it up on the Hudson River.
- Scott, I'm not hopping on your bike.
- I got a car,
I got a parking spot right behind you.
- That thing?
- Yeah! - The little clown car?
- Yeah, it's a car, it has an engine.
- You're getting a ticket.
- That's fine- No!
You got me for a second.
- Oh my God, we gotta fit in here?
- Yeah, you're gonna fit.
- You got pizza paraphernalia.
My knees are in my chest.
You got a, it's a night light?
- I keep it clear.
To Jersey: my native land. - To Jersey.
Go!
Oh God, Scott cut it the other way.
The other way, the other way, this way.
- No, no I-I- Excuse me.
- Watch my car.
- Don't worry about your car.
- Uh I'm worried about my car.
- It's fine, I got it, I'm a good driver.
- All right, we're off.
- Once we hit the road I knew,
everything would work out fine.
A road trip out of Brooklyn is
the perfect way to reconnect.
Once the conversation gets rolling,
there's no way he'll stay mad at me.
I think I'm gonna go to Cambodia.
And maybe Vietnam.
I just want to eat all the food.
I want to eat every piece of food they have.
You know what I mean?
Oh, I'm gonna back up. - Way to go, Scott.
Watch the truck, Scott. - Pizza da-
I'm watching the truck!
- Don't block the box.
- I don't want to block the box.
- Stop for yellow lights.
- I know, I know, I know.
Hang on, you're like my mother.
This is my favorite view.
When you're right next to the bridge,
you get to see Grimaldi's and Juliana's.
- Why does everything have to be about pizza?
- Did you ever hang out in Manhattan as a kid?
- I used to work on Wall Street,
I was a stock broker.
- Were you? - Yep.
I wanted to like, you know put on a suit everyday,
jump on the train- - You wanted to try-
- It really wasn't my thing.
- This guy used to handle people's money?
What? How many jobs have you had?
- 52.
- Mark used to be a stock broker?
I'm just a pizza tour guide.
- Eventually you're gonna get tired
of this tour thing. - Of pizza?
- Maybe you go from
touring to making?
- It's not gonna happen, it's not gonna happen.
- Stop sign.
- Cause I've been too nervous,
it's not gonna happen.
- Stop stop, Scott. - I saw the stop sign.
- Stop looking for pizzerias,
pay attention to the road.
- I saw the stop sign.
- Oh I thought you didn't want to use my way.
- I'm just asking was it on first?
That's all I'm asking.
- I know where I'm going. - I do know where I'm going.
- They're closed.
- You could have fit your car over here.
- I told you, I could fit three of my cars here.
- Let's make this a zippy trip.
- Oh, God! You're gonna have to, like,
pry me out of this thing. Oh, God!
- Come on you couldn't fit that in there.
- My kidneys.
- That's not even where your kidneys are.
- This is ridiculous! - Whatever.
- I've gotten Mark this far,
I just have to not screw it up.
As long as Mike doesn't do anything
to embarrass me, I think we'll be OK.
OK, keep it together, Scott.
- Hey! What's happening?
- Morning, brother.
- So glad you guys made it.
- Mike hey, what's up, I don't get a hug?
- Absolutely not.
- Gives you a big hug and I get nothing?
- Cut, cut, cut, cut!
- I didn't mean that Mike, oh my god.
Your face feels so good by the way.
- Thank you, thank you, I just shaved.
- That was, don't you ever do that to me.
- I'm so sorry, I'm under a lot of pressure.
- I deserved it. - I did not mean that.
- Cool, start that over?
- So what do you got for us?
I'm excited.
We got Mark all the way out from Brooklyn.
- All right, so listen,
I was bugging out a little bit the other day.
I had this sort of epiphany in
the middle of the night that brought
me back to a memory.
I don't know if I ever told you this story.
- No. - So here's the deal.
I'm in Portugal and I'm driving.
Driving and we're partying.
And I'm driving and I'm driving,
six hours later, we're lost.
I'm like, "Hey where are we?"
So we pull over, we got into a restaurant.
And we're looking around and we're like, "Yeah,
there's bulls everywhere with the, you know,
the matador stuff."
I was like, "Yo Portugal has matador stuff?"
And they're like, "Maybe they do?
I dunno, you're in Spain."
So at a Tapas bar in Spain,
I'm thinking "Are you kidding me?"
Hours away from Portugal.
- Is this real or is this a dream?
- No this is for real.
So the food was ridiculous -- it was delicious.
All this stuff; jamón ibérico,
we had paella -- I've never had paella before.
I didn't know what paella tastes like.
I said, "Yo doesn't paella have like seafood in it?"
"Nah nah, we do ours with chorizo,
we do ours by blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." I was bugging out.
I've never had it.
We're finishing up -- I'm eating this smoked
and aged sausage like it's like beef jerky
or like a Slim Jim and I look at the price.
And it's like over a hundred dollars a pound.
I don't know how we got to this place.
This place must have been for, like, high rollers.
But the bill was like $800
at this freaking tapas place.
- I think you got ripped off.
- No, no, no, trust me.
$800 bill for this rinky-dink little tapas
and paella and I had this epiphany.
Yo, I'm making this into a pizza.
A paella, tapas-style, whatever pizza.
It's gonna taste like that experience, but like, times ten.
- Yeah, but these ingredients are like crazy exp--
Look, $316 for this the cheese.
- This cheese is like a $150 a pound.
Torta Del Casar.
- You don't even know how to say it.
- A hundred and fifty dollars a pound.
This is legit stuff; Jamón ibérico,
a hundred and something dollars a pound.
- Super smokey! - It's unreal.
Tons of saffron, I bought 50 of these packets.
- That's expensive.
- You wanna see this?
Twenty-four packets of fucking saffron is in here.
- I see. - You see the sauce?
Oozing saffron, your pores are gonna ooze saffron.
- I like saffron.
- Your face is gonna turn yellow or reddish color.
- Paella pizza. - Do you like paella?
- I love paella. - Do you like paella?
- I do too, I really yeah, I do.
How much is it gonna cost?
- It would be like the worlds
most expensive slice of pizza.
- Scott made me eat a $2,000 pizza.
- Yo, we're blowing it out of the water.
Yo, we're talking about nine slices.
Each slice is a thousand bucks a slice.
- Wait, this is the weirdest thing
you've said the whole day.
- A thousand dollars a slice? - A thousand dollars a slice.
- But no, seriously?
- Did you bring your credit card?
- No-- I'm not. - I'm not paying for this.
- Don't worry I'll just book a reservation,
Saturday night at 9:00.
Be like "Yo, I'm here, how about that paella pizza?"
Let's go!
- This really sounds amazing.
- But, on a pizza? - Not on pizza.
- We'll see, I think- - I don't know.
Well let's see, let's see what you can do.
- Oh yeah, let's see.
Listen, let me go in the kitchen,
I've been prepping this thing for 18 hours.
- Come on? - No really! 18 hours.
- That's where the money goes. - By the way in Spain,
there was no, there was no border check.
It wasn't like Portugal to Spain, like, "Oh,
Let me see your passport!" Nothing.
- You were high. - We just drove.
- Are you high right now?
- Time to make the pizza Mike!
- I may be, I may be.
- Make the pizza,
become Tony Boloney!
- So we took a shitload of saffron
and we made paella.
The sauce I made an Espagnole sauce.
You want to call it anything,
you can call it a saffron vodka sauce.
So now we're gonna take the Jamón ibérico,
we're gonna put that on the pie,
almost like you put pepperoni.
That's like over $100 hundred dollars a pound.
Out of control.
This cheese is Torta del Casar -- Casar, it's Casar.
Three hundred dollars of cheese alone.
And I was gonna see if I could use the
other half of the wheel,
I don't think it's needed.
I think we're good... Maybe a little pinch.
I wanted this thing to ooze saffron.
I tried it with $50 of saffron,
and you just didn't taste it.
I tried it with $100 of saffron,
the flavor just wasn't there.
If I was gonna do it, I'm gonna do it right.
Seven hundred dollars but it's just in one pie.
Before I put it in the oven,
garnish with more saffron.
For aesthetics, like out of control.
- Tony, how much longer for that pizza?
- It's coming, it's coming!
I know what's gonna happen,
I do one slice not the right way,
you have Mark that says, "Ah yeah, it's good."
Scott will-- "technically, why is it not proper
coverage of, you know, the crust, uh,
well technically flour--" I don't give a shit.
Yo, give me some time, that is a beautiful pizza.
This is pizza.
Hands down, 100% not a question about it.
How is it not pizza?
Explain that to me, Scott.
- Mike always goes above and beyond for us.
I'm just worried that--
- The hell are you thinking about?
- Oh.
- Mark you tell me, why is it not pizza?
- I wonder if that smart car comes in a convertible.
- This is pizza and you're gonna like it.
I think we're good, I feel good about this.
I feel good about this.
So, yeah, I have one more minute on the pizza.
The chorizo's gotta be like perfectly crisp,
almost, like, curled.
Hey, you been taking pepperoni?
Dash of olive oil, little garnish of parsley.
And next we're gonna squeeze some lemon juice on.
Done, this pie is ready to go-
This pizza is ready to go, this is pizza.
(thunderous music)
- This is gonna be interesting.
- This is insane. - Do you like paella?
- I love paella. - We'll see, man.
- He made a corn pie one year that was...
- So good! - Off the charts.
- Did you ever, that, the french onion soup?
- You noticed I said corn pie and not corn pizza?
- You said, what, what do you mean?
- It's not pizza. - You would say corn pie?
- It's not pizza. - It is a pizza, oh my God.
Just 'cause it doesn't have cheese?
- That's corn on it.
- Just because it tastes better than it looks?
- It has corn on it.
- If I'm not Mark's pizza pal, what am I?
All right, Marcus, we got pizza!
Mr. Markie, have I got something for you.
- You're gonna tell me this is pizza?
And you're gonna eat Emmett's after this as well?
- I'm a growing boy. - all right.
Do you have a girlfriend?
I don't want you to get in trouble.
- I don't want to talk about this.
- Why don't you give me the history of Hobart now?
- Hobart started in 1854- - Unbelievable.
That's, uh, what so, that's right where I got stabbed.
- Can you just say it? - You're my best friend.
You eat a lot of pizza. - Pizza is how I communicate.
- I want you to make one, make one, make one,
You want to try?
- This is gonna be- - ¡Ándale, ándale!
- Whoa!
- We call this The Conquistador.
- Why not just $1,000 slice.
- Want me to talk this out with you.
- Yeah talk, walk us through it.
- No, no, no, I think you should
just cut it and let's eat.
If you don't cut him short,
he'll like talk forever.
- I have a lot of questions, I mean if I-
- Now what's the dough made out of ?
- So you have Pimientos,
you have chorizo in there, you have saffron in there,
you have sofrito in there,
you have the rice in there, I mean look at this.
- I gotta get it.
- Wait, we need to eat it slowly.
- Mark's not gonna take a picture 'cause-
- Put your phone away!
- He doesn't know how to use his phone.
- Let's eat. - Dude this is.
I already know what Mark's thinking about this.
- Which one do I, I'm gonna go for this guy right here.
- This is a big fat slice spatula.
- Wow this is something else.
- This is like an eighth-finger slice,
you have to use eight fingers.
- I've never head finger slice.
Ten finger slice- - Those ain't fingers,
those is thumbs. - Never eight finger.
- Oh man, OK!
- You know what it tastes like?
- Yeah I know what it tastes like.
Tastes like paella.
- You're like that Dr. Frankenstein of pizza.
- You into it? - I love it.
- I would say you're unbelievable, but
I've known you long enough to know that,
I should just believe you.
- Thank you. - This is crazy.
It's eating paella with my hands,
which has been a dream of mine since I was a child.
- What did you say? - What?
You never dreamed of that? - So it's paella?
- I don't think I ever heard of paella
until I was, like, 20.
- The bite is so quick.
- That cheese you eat it raw?
It's real funky, now- - It's so smokey.
- The only thing I would say that maybe,
I would do different is slice the chorizo
a little thinner.
- That's because you want to save money.
- No, no, I- I- paella is just like this.
- No, it's because he wants to save money!
Gets the most slices out of it.
- Well yeah but maybe,
he'll put more of it on there, you don't know.
But I'm curious do you ever eat
paella with your hands?
- No. - Why not?
- So, because I'm eating with my hands,
it makes it a pizza? - No, no, I'm just-
- I eat hamburgers with my hands.
- I'm gonna eat that and slice it out.
- If I put sauce on pasta with some meatballs,
does it make it pizza?
- It depends on, I don't know
- Is that pizza? Is that pizza?
- OK I'm just, I'm not using the word crust
I'm just saying structure. - Yes.
- Is there a sauce on this?
- There is sauce on here.
- And is there cheese on it?
- Yes.
- And there's even a meat topping,
that happens to look a whole lot like pepperoni.
It sounds like the only questionable
component is the base.
- I mean you have the sauce, you have the cheese,
you don't have a dough.
Not a pizza.
- Yeah.
- That was pointed, serious and systematic.
- Very Mark. - Yes.
- But it's amazing! - Now what if-
I took this paella rice and I milled it
into a flour- - Into a flour?
- And I form dough balls with it
and I stretched it out in the pan.
Maybe I put a little yeast in it.
It'll rise a little bit. - Then it's pizza.
- What's your answer? - I don't give an answer.
- Why do I always gotta be the bad guy?
- Why don't you have an answer.
- So uh, win-win?
- Tony, amazing. - Yes.
- Tony!
- Tony-- - No it's good,
It's good, it's good, leave it alone.
Leave it alone- - No, no, no, no.
- That's good! - Just the bolognese.
- Yes. - Mark loved it!
We stayed and chatted for a while, but
eventually we had to head back to the Big Apple.
(up beat pop music)
- It stanks in here. - It doesn't stink!
- Yes it does!
Call me dumb I don't mean--
It doesn't mean I'm dumb. - You just!
A starfish named Edward.
- No that's Squidward and he's a squid.
- You got nothing on the ween-dog.
- Oh my, it's like guys are walking out
and you're like ween-dog.
- For once you make sense. - Literally.
- Ooh!!
You must get annoyed by my tics.
- No, not at all. - I admit,
I'm probably one of the more annoying ones.
- No, I really enjoy hanging out with you.
Like you're pizza knowledge is like,
really, really, blows me away.
- Is that good? I don't know what that means.
- Yeah, no, no, no, we need people like you.
- Maybe you go from touring to making.
You're passionate. - You know, I make pizza,
every once in a while.
- I'm nervous when I make pizza for you,
so are you nervous when you make pizza?
- I like to have the approval from
the master, you know?
- Mark, he never leaves Brooklyn.
- The job, it was my life work.
- Due to a injury,
Oscar's making the pizza.
- You know for the good
of pizza in general,
I think we could be stronger together, right?
- Yes!
- Now, let him speak!
- What? - I got a crazy idea.
- Wa-wa-wa-wait! You gotta stretch the dough out.
- Yeah I'm gonna do a double stretch.
- I'm gonna put some wood in the oven for you.
- Yeah, that'll be good. - That's too much sauce.
See I don't want any fingernails in my pizza.
You need to put a little bit more muscle into it.
- Put a little bit less talking
while I'm trying to cook.
Have you ever eaten- - You slapped Tony Boloney.
- Whatever, you got parmigiano?
- When the pie comes out. - I know you do that.
But we're doing it Scotty style.
- Hurry up, it's gonna burn.
- Look at that! You see this?
Mark, somethings happening with the pizza!
It's so big! This is bubbly as hell.
There's another bubble!
- It's just a bubble Scott!
- I can't stop it Mark!
Oh don't, you got your hands in there?!
- I got pizza hands.
- Now if it's messed up, it's your fault.
That's a disaster. (slight pause)
You should have put less sauce on it.
- Come on, let's eat. - Yeah.
It tastes great! - It does.
You did a pretty good job. - Not bad right?
- You wanna work here? - Are you serious?
- Thanks for watching. - Thanks for watching.
- Don't forget to subscribe to Thrillist.
- And check out our other episodes.
- Where Scott fed me the pizza that was
the best I've ever had in my life
and I owe him friendship forever.
- Where I tell everyone that Scott's
not allowed in my pizzeria anymore.
Come back, I was only kidding.
- Awww!
- I can't believe I just hugged you.
- What?!